"Don’t tell me you married as a virgin."
"No," I laughed. "No way."
"So what made you so anxious to get married?"
"I don’t know." I tried to remember the feelings. "I felt I’d found my soul mate. You didn't feel like that?"
"Not at all. I can tell you, right up until the wedding itself, I really wasn’t sure if I was going to go through with it or not."
"Then why did you do it?"
"Because I was thirty and she was a nice young girl who loved me and was pregnant with my child. I was afraid to miss the opportunity."
"Wow, it’s no wonder people get divorced!"
"But I'm not getting a divorce."
"You’re not, but in my world, couples get married because they’re crazy in love.”
"Not at all... but here, look at you, you claim to have married because of some great love, and now you're going to get a divorce because that love’s dead."
"I'm not sure that it’s dead." I thought of Itay and my heart warmed up.
"So you’re insane!"
"Why?"
"You still love your husband, but you’re leaving him for another man?"
"First of all, I don't love him like I used to, but the main reason why I’m leaving him, why I really went looking for Manny and, luckily, found him, is that I haven’t really feel like I’ve in a relationship for years.”
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that Itay comes home very late every day. He doesn’t have the time or the patience for me or the girls, and I’ve been raising our daughters pretty much alone. I mean, it's been years since he’s touched me or admired me like he used to.”
"And how’s that different from any other couple in the country?"
"I'm not sure all couples are like that.”
"Most couples are like that.” Eric declared with absolute certainty.
"Then, I'd rather be in the happy minority than in the bitter majority," I declared.
He had no answer.
We finished our meal, and Eric said goodbye to me with a big hug and a warm kiss. "If it doesn’t work out with Manny, don't forget me," he whispered in my ear, and I said goodbye to him with a smile.
In the evening, I went to my belly-dancing lesson, and then I went to Manny. I told him about my lunch with Eric and what he’d said. Manny agreed with Eric. He also thought that handing Itay a subpoena would be cold and could backfire on me. He was a little afraid to tell me so himself because he valued my opinion as a lawyer and thought that I’d be the best judge of how to go about it.
Manny knew Itay a little better than Eric, mostly from my stories, and had a feeling that a more open, less calculated approach would achieve more pleasant and much better results.
I explained to Manny that it could cost us, because it would be hard to sneak behind Itay’s back once he knew I was keen to separate. Manny promised he’d wait as long as necessary. I didn't know if I could wait ‘as long as necessary.’ Once it hit me, I realized that I didn't want to live with Itay. Every minute of lying, every minute that I lived with Itay, felt like eternity.
CHAPTER 24
I was very confused.
I knew I wanted to divorce Itay, only I didn't know how.
The only thing I knew was that I was not going to open a case file in family court without telling him.
Should I confess my betrayal?
Should I tell him about Manny?
I had no idea how Itay would respond to my request.
Itay was what many people called the ‘salt of the earth,’ a combat officer who did his reserve duty each year and didn’t try to wriggle out of it, a law-abiding citizen, a loyal and reliable worker, a friend for life.
What he considered to be standard behavior, others perceived as exemplary behavior. I hadn’t been anywhere where people didn’t tell me how much they admired Itay. I also admired Itay, but living with him was a problem because he was so busy doing right by the world that he’d forgotten to do right by his wife.
I have to admit that, when he did finally come home to me, when he was done satisfying the state, his bosses and his reserve unit, he really was a kind and loyal man. I don’t remember him raising his voice to me even once throughout our years together, even though I raised mine a few times. He was always sympathetic and willing to give in to me, whether it was over the best seat in the movie theatre, the most delicious dish at the restaurant or if it was sleeping on a Saturday afternoon when the girls wanted to go out into the yard. Just like with the rest of the world, even with me, Itay also put himself last. The problem was that at the end of the day, I found myself just one place ahead of Itay himself.
I wondered if, even when I asked Itay for a divorce, if he would give in to me and just comply. How was he going to take the fact that I was leaving him for another man?
Itay was, indeed, kind and nice to everyone, but, more than once, I'd seen him stand his ground when it really mattered to him. I also had no doubt that the girls and I, the family unit, were very important to him.
After a lot of deliberation, I decided not to think about it too much and see where the conversation led us. One thing I knew: I had to let him know that I had something important to tell him, or he'd think it was just another motivational conversation like the ones I used to have with him to try to bolster our faltering relationship.
At first, I thought of having the conversation at the restaurant we both love, but on second thought, I realized the conversation must be conducted on our home turf. I didn't want him to be reserved and closed; we needed to air everything we could. On the other hand, I didn't want the girls to hear snippets before we had chance to agree between us how best to tell them.
It was Tuesday. Ideally, I’d bring it up on Friday or Saturday, but I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. Every minute that passed lowered my confidence and courage. I called my mother and told her I’d bring the girls to sleep over with her the next day. She didn't understand the urgency and why it couldn't wait until Saturday, but since Ahuva had started babysitting the girls after school, she almost never saw them, so it wasn’t hard to convince her. I called Itay and asked him not to be too late the next day because I wanted to talk to him about something important. Luckily, he was, as usual, overly busy at work and wasn’t too interested in what I had to say. He said he’d try, and I said that wasn’t good enough.
The next day, I pestered him every two hours until he got tired of me and promised that he’d be home by seven-thirty.
He arrived at eight and was surprised to find that Shira and Yarden weren’t at home.
"What’s with the surprise? Are we going out?" His face wore a smug smile, and my heart ached. I really didn't want to hurt him, but I knew that I simply had no choice. I wouldn’t go on living like this.
"No, we’re not going out."
"So where are the girls?"
"With Mom."
"Why?"
"Because I want us to be alone."
Itay came up to me. He misinterpreted my exile of Shira and Yarden. I pushed him away with a tired hand. He was so detached from reality that it hurt. He had no idea.
Itay sat on the couch and turned on the TV.
"Please, turn off the TV."
"Oh, don't be like that. It’s not every day I get to watch the news." I had a feeling my news was more interesting.
"Itay, I want to talk without background noise," I said in a serious tone, and Itay began to understand for the first time since coming home that I had something really important to say. He turned off the TV.
"Want a cup of coffee?" I asked and he nodded.
I put two cups of coffee on the table and sat down on the couch in front of him.
"What's more important than the news?" Itay took a long sip from his coffee.
I looked down. It was now or never. I had no speech prepared and didn't know how to start. I decided to start from the end.
"I want a divorce."
"Oh, come on, Sharon…" He put
the cup down on the table. "Stop with your nonsense."
"Why do you just belittle what I’m saying?"
"I’m not belittling it, but I have no idea where you get this nonsense from.”
"It's not nonsense!”
"So what is it?"
"I'm tired.”
"Tired of what?"
"I'm tired of being married, but living alone.”
"So that's the story?” Itay got up from the couch and went to the kitchen to get an apple from the fridge. He thought we were just having our annual discussion about his crazy work hours.
"Yes, that's the story."
"I’ve tried to explain to you – we’re under abnormal pressure at work right now."
"There's always pressure."
"But right now, the pressure’s particularly -"
"You always have particular stress.”
"I don't need to tell you – there’s a crazy recession on, and we should be thankful that I’m not unemployed and on welfare.”
Oh, how many times had I heard this? "Itay, you don't understand.”
"I don't understand?” He was impatient.
"This isn’t a conversation about you coming home late. That conversation… we’ve had it too many times before."
"So what is this conversation about?"
"I want a divorce."
"Again!" He was exasperated. “Will you stop saying things you don't mean?"
"I do mean it.”
"You're not serious.”
"I'm completely serious.”
Itay sat down with me on the couch again. It seemed he was starting to realize that I was serious.
"Sharon." He grabbed my hand. "I know I'm not here enough, but, believe me, I'm not the only one. I don't think it’s right to break up our family because of a situation that’s the reality in so many homes."
"I don't care what happens in other homes.”
"So what do you want? You want me to resign?"
"No.”
"So, what then?"
"I want a divorce.”
"Are you serious?"
"Yes.”
He came over to me, hugged me and started kissing me. “I love you, Sharon. People in love don't get divorced."
"I don't love you anymore," I said in a trembling voice, and I turned away from him. It wasn’t true. I still loved him, but I knew I couldn’t live with him anymore.
He looked at me, shocked. "What’s gotten into you?"
"Nothing’s gotten into me. I gave you ample opportunity, but you didn’t make an effort."
"You're exaggerating."
"I’m not."
"You know that almost all the people on my team are working hard, just like me? Sometimes harder. None of them are getting divorced.”
"I don’t care.”
"So what do you care about?”
"My life.”
"Your life is also the girls and me. You know what this will do to the girls?"
"No, but I'm ready take the risk.”
"Maybe I’m not.”
"To stay married you need two people. I'm leaving you - with or without a divorce.”
"And you don’t care what everyone will say?"
"Don’t makeme laugh!”
"You don't care that the girls won’t have a home?"
"Our girls will always have a home, and, for a change, it will include a happy mother.”
"You're not happy?"
I looked at him, shocked. He was so unaware. "Absolutely not," I said, and started to cry.
He again came up to me and tried to hug me, and I extracted myself from his embrace, pushing him away.
"Sharon, I'm really sorry, but surely we can resolve the problem in a different way."
My tears just came faster. I didn't expect it to be so hard, but Itay’s detachment from reality was really hard on me. The fact that he was so removed from home had allowed me to conduct a passionate affair under his nose without him even noticing. He really, really didn't know anything. For him, nothing had changed.
I wished I’d opened the case in family court after all. Maybe if I’d been able to hand him an official document, he would have realized that I was serious, that it was the end.
I thought hard. I knew that only the knowledge that I’d been seeing someone else would make Itay realize that this was really the end, and not just another motivational talk. On the other hand, there was a very big price to pay for such a confession. He could run to the rabbinical court the next day, and then there was no knowing what would happen to me, or what price I’d pay for my betrayal. I didn't know how Itay would respond to the news of my affair. Moreover, I felt that I also owed it to Itay to be honest with him. It was the only possible atonement for my actions. I decided that whatever the price may be, at least Itay would understand where he stood.
"Sharon, why are you so quiet? Have you nothing more to say?" Itay broke the silence that had surrounded us for a long time.
"I’m seeing someone." The words escaped my mouth. I really wanted to keep them deep inside, but they didn't have a place there anymore, and they just popped out and stood like unwanted guests in the middle of the living room.
Itay looked at me, stunned. He’d heard my words, but not yet fully realized their importance. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that I have a lover."
"Sharon, please, tell me you're kidding me… you're trying to just annoy me."
"I’m not."
He got up from the couch and began to pace nervously from one side of the living room to another.
"Itay, you have to understand. I was alone." He was silent, and I continued to apologize. "I didn't plan it, it just happened," I lied. I had gone out looking for it.
Itay went to the door, grabbed his keys and ran out. I yelled after him that he couldn't just run away like that and that we needed to talk, but he just disappeared.
I wanted to call him, but I was afraid that would only piss him off more. I sat on the couch and cried. When I calmed down, I turned on the TV and stared at a boring show until I fell asleep.
Itay came home at a quarter to midnight. I woke up the second he entered the apartment. He didn’t try too hard to be quiet. Maybe he was angry and wanted to wake me up. Maybe he wanted to continue the conversation. I was tense, and when he came in, I rose quickly, feeling dizzy. I held my head and almost lost my balance. Itay rushed over to me and asked if everything was all right. He still cared for me and it moved me.
"I'm fine," I assured him. "Just got up too fast."
He sat down next to me, and looked at me with puffy, red eyes. "I think I can forgive you."
"I really hope so," I replied. I was surprised by his moderate reaction. "You have to understand - I could have not told you. I didn’t need to tell you… I felt I had to be honest with you."
"I know, and I appreciate it."
I smiled. Maybe there would be a happy ending.
"That's why I think we can overcome it."
What was he talking about?
"How long have you been seeing this person?”
"Since October.”
"Less than six months.”
"True," I replied. I didn't understand what he was driving at.
"Not a romance that’s been going on for years."
"No."
"We’ll go to counseling and… I think I can get over it. Maybe this is just the slap in the face that I needed."
I finally got it. Itay still wasn't giving up.
"Itay, there’s something you don't understand."
"What?"
"I’m not telling you about a one-time incident or a passing fling."
"Then what?"
"I'm in love with another man. I want to live with him.”
"Are you serious?"
"I’m very serious.”
"I'm willing to forgive you, I’m willing to work things out and you still think we should get a divorce?"
"Yes.
"Do you know what it will do to the g
irls?"
"No.”
"It will ruin their lives.”
"If we behave like two adults, it won’t ruin anything.”
"How do you know?"
"I know they won’t be the first or last children whose parents got divorced, and as far as I know, there are a lot of very successful people whose parents are divorced.”
"How do you think they’ll react to the fact that their mother has a new man?"
"I don't know. They’ll have to get used to it.”
"Your selfishness is more than insensitive," he said angrily. "You don't care about anyone except yourself.”
"I’m selfish?” I retorted angrily. "I’ve been raising our daughters almost alone for more than seven years and I'm selfish? Finally, I’m doing something for myself!”
"You're not going to compare cheating and infidelity to the fact that I worked hard.”
"Why not?"
"Because I worked for all of us, and you cheated for yourself!"
"Itay, don't kid yourself. You've worked just for yourself.”
"I see this is like talking to a wall." He seized his keys angrily and went out again. I ran after him to find out where he was going at such an hour, and when he’d return. He said he was going to sleep at his parents’ and that he had no idea when he’d be back.
"I want to think only of myself too," he said before the elevator doors closed on him.
I came back in and so wanted to talk to Manny, but it was already past midnight.
I texted him: I told Itay everything.
A few seconds later I got a message: Can I call?
Can I come to you?
Of course.
Twenty minutes later, I was lying cradled in his warm embrace.
I told him only that Itay now knew everything, and I didn't have the strength to talk about it.
I could finally be with Manny without lying, and didn't want to spoil this sweet moment by replaying the difficult conversation I’d had with Itay.
CHAPTER 25
I woke up in Manny’s bed at seven-thirty in the morning to the clamor of my cellphone.
Confession of an Abandoned Wife - Box Set (Books 1-3) Page 19
