"Where are you?" my mother yelled at me. "The girls will be late for school and kindergarten!"
"Oh!" I shouted in alarm, looking at the time. "Oh, Mom, can you take them? I won’t be able to get to you in time.”
"Where are you?" she muttered. "I’ve been trying you at home for half an hour and no one answered.”
"Forget about it.”
"Forget what? Can’t you answer my simple question?"
"No.”
"Don’t be rude to me. I’m not your employee.”
"Mom." I was impatient. "Just for once in my life, I'm asking you to help me out without asking questions and without lecturing me.”
"Who’s lecturing?"
"No one," I replied in a tone of despair. "Can you take the girls for me today, please?"
"Do I have any choice?"
"Yes. I can be there in forty-five minutes, maybe an hour.”
"And then they’ll be late!”
"That's why I'm asking you to help me."
"Okay," she said angrily, "but I'm looking forward to hearing your explanations later."
We hung up, and I realized that I had a few other people to update other than Itay.
I went home to change, and I was surprised to find Itay waiting for me at home.
"Were you with him?" he asked immediately.
"Yes." I looked down.
"You didn't wait even a single moment."
"I needed a shoulder to cry on."
"For what?”
"It’s not every day I decide to separate from my husband."
"That's just it... you’re the one who’s decided on this. You have no reason to cry."
"Why do you think it doesn’t hurt me?”
"It doesn’t look that way."
"How should it look?”
"I don't know... not like this.”
Itay prepared breakfast for both of us. I had a feeling that the news still hadn’t sunk in. He still thought we could eat breakfast together and it would all return to what it was. While we ate, I found out that he went to sleep at his parents’ home. His mother guessed that we’d had a fight, but didn't ask questions.
"So you didn't tell her?"
"Tell her what?"
"That we’re getting divorced."
"We're not getting divorced."
"Itay, I beg you to understand… I’m serious and I’ve made up my mind about this."
"But I haven't."
"So what? You’ll refuse?"
"I don't know."
"Really, Itay, don't talk nonsense."
"In the meantime, the one who's talking most of the nonsense is you."
He’d shocked me. A few hours ago, I’d told him I wanted a divorce. I’d told him I had a lover. This morning he returned home to find that I’d spent the night with my lover and still he insisted that it wasn’t the end. I wished I’d opened a file in the family court after all; it seemed to be the only way to convince him of my intention.
"You know that I almost opened a file in family court?"
"Then why didn't you?" I felt this statement only reinforced his opinion that the decision was yet not final.
"Because I was afraid of your reaction. I wanted us to take this step together.”
"You seem to have handled everything else alone.”
"That's not true. I didn’t sink this ship by myself.”
Itay was silent. I'd stopped trying to understand his silence. Just when I thought he understood, it turned out he didn't understand anything and vice versa.
"I want us to go together to a mediating lawyer and sign the divorce agreement together."
“Is it urgent?"
"Yes, it's urgent."
"Why?"
"I'll be honest with you, because you can figure these things out yourself." I decided to put all the cards on the table. I felt it was the least I could do to atone for my actions. I was hoping that Itay would be as fair to me as he was to the rest of the world. "I’m at a disadvantage here because I cheated on you. If you open a file in the rabbinical court before I open one in the family court, this whole thing could turn very ugly, and I don't want it to be like that.”
"It’s already ugly.”
"I'm talking about the impact on Shira and Yarden. We can settle it as adults or we can do it the ugly and painful way. We’re lucky we have financial stability, or that, too, would have been an ugly war." I was so thankful that I’d always gone out to work and never been dependent on Itay.
Itay pondered - as always, a reasonable guy. "Let me think about it," he said and put the dishes in the sink.
"How long?"
"I don't know… until Saturday."
"Okay. Remember, I’m not taking any legal steps yet, and I trust you not to do things behind my back."
"In the meantime, don't say anything to the girls.”
"Of course not. Where will you sleep tonight?"
"Here,” he declared.
"Then sleep in the living room.”
"You sleep in the living room.”
"No problem." Anything to stop him from becoming petty.
We agreed that we wouldn’t tell the girls anything yet, but I knew I’d have to tell my mother. I owed her an explanation. It was Thursday, and she drove me crazy all day, trying to get me to explain what had happened. She felt something big had happened, and it freaked her out that she didn't know what it was. The next day, when the girls were in kindergarten and school, I went over. I forgot that she always had a hair appointment on Friday mornings and had to wait half an hour for her.
When she came home, she looked at me in amazement. She didn’t usually see me on Friday mornings. The truth was, she was no longer used to seeing me at herhouse without Itay and the girls.
"What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"I need to talk to you too."
"Let me start," I suggested. I had no strength for her moral preaching. I knew I’d get a lecture anyway.
"You want a drink?"
We sat down in the living room with two cups of tea. I took a sip of the hot liquid, trying to arrange my vocal cords before I uttered my harsh statement. "I'm getting a divorce from Itay," I said and I studied her face, trying to guess the response.
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, of course. Why do you think I’d say something like that if it wasn’t true?"
"People often threaten divorce when they want to resolve disputes."
"Did you ever threaten to divorce Dad?”
"I don't know if I threatened, but when you were children, your father and I had harder times.”
“I remember.”
"What do you remember?"
"That you fought a lot, and I was scared you’d get divorced.”
"Then why do you want do it to Shira and Yarden?" I was shocked by her calmness. I thought she’d scream at me hysterically.
"Because I'm not happy, and I think that Shira and Yarden deserve a happy mother."
"So you’re going through a rough patch. That's no reason to get divorced."
"Mom, this is far beyond a rough patch. For several years now, there’s been no communication between us, years in which I really feel like I’ve been living alone.”
"Yes, you’re right," she muttered. Wow, who is this woman? I thought. "Itay doesn’t help you enough," she added. I had tears in my eyes. Who’d have thought that my mother would take my side? Ever since I could remember, this woman always, always took the other side. If, for example, I was quarreling with a girl in school, she always acted as if I’d started it. If I had a problem at work, she was always in favor of my employer… and here I was, telling her I wanted a divorce and she understood me. The Messiah had come!
"It's not just the helping out. He hasn’t been there for me for years."
"Then talk to him about it. Explain it. He’s a sensitive guy. He'll understand."
"Believe me, I've talked to him for years, and nothing’s changed."
�
�So you've decided to get a divorce?"
"Yes.”
"If that's what you want… well, then, we’ll support you." I got a little dizzy even though I was sitting down. I really didn't expect such a response.
"Mom, you surprise me."
"Why?"
"I was sure you’d bury me a hundred feet under the ground."
"Why?"
"Because I’m ruining my life."
"I think you're a mature enough woman to know what you're doing, and the truth is, I had a feeling it was going to happen.”
"Really?"
"Yes, for several months now, I’ve had the feeling you and Itay aren't on the same wavelength."
She never failed. This woman could always read me like an open book. Tears came to my eyes. I was emotional, both because what I’d been through, and because of this unexpected wave of support. My mother put her cup of tea down, warmly hugged me and kissed my forehead. I knew I couldn’t lie to her another minute.
"Mom…" I broke away from her loving hug. "I have another small thing to tell you."
"What?" she said, taking back her cup of tea.
"You may want to put your tea down," I said and she looked at me in shock. She put the tea down and I said, "I have someone new."
"What do you mean, someone new? You have a boyfriend? Since when?"
"October."
She opened her eyes in astonishment. "In other words, you have a lover!"
"Yes."
"You betrayed Itay…” I couldn’t figure out if she was asking or simply announcing the fact.
"Yes," I looked down.
"What’s wrong with you?" Now her anger started pouring out. “You can’t do things like that. Do you remember nothing of the education you received?”
"What does this have to do with my education?"
"You had a religious education and were brought up properly. How could you sin against one of the Ten Commandments?"
I had nothing to say. It was not the time or the place to explain to my mother that my relationship with God and my faith in him had deteriorated over the years.
"Does Itay know about it?"
"Yes."
She got up and started walking around the room nervously. "Are you crazy? Why did you have to tell him?"
"He didn't believe that I wanted a divorce."
"So it’s because of your lover that you want a divorce?"
"Not only that."
"My God! You’re getting divorced because you have someone else…" Again, I didn't know if she was declaring or asking.
I answered anyway. "I went into this affair because life with Itay was bad for me, and now that I know it can be good. I want to be with the man I love."
"You always had such nonsense in your head."
"Why do you always put me down?
"Why?" I was ten years old again. ''Why, you ask... because all couples run out of love. All couples become tired and bored, but not everyone goes out looking for excitement on the side."
"You have no idea how many people look for excitement on the side.”
"And you do?"
"Probably a little more than you.”
"Don’t be rude to me. Let me tell you something. Even with this lover of yours, your love will die, and what then? You’ll search for Chapter Three in your life at age fifty? Do you think someone will be waiting for you?"
"I have no idea what’ll be going on with me when I’m fifty. I know what's going on with me today.”
"And what's up with you today?” she asked pointedly, in the least caring tone she could muster.
"Today, life at home is bad, but, to my delight, I’ve found happiness and I have no intention of staying unhappy just because of social convention.”
She continued to pace around the room nervously, then stopped.
"Who is this lover of yours? He's probably not a young man... is he married too?"
"No, he’s a widower."
"Widower?" She was surprised. "How old is he?”
"Fifty.”
"Lucky man - found himself a younger woman.”
"I'm not so young. It’s a difference of fifteen years. It's not that much.”
"That's a lot. Today, he’s a widower, but one day he’ll make you a widow.”
"A few minutes ago you said I’d divorce him too." I tried to disrupt her logic.
"That’s not funny. He’s closer to my age than yours.”
"Will you stop getting stuck on the age aspect?"
"Do I know him?" She was startled suddenly at the thought that he might be one of her friends.
"Actually, yes."
"God help me!" she sighed.
"Don’t worry, it's not anybody from your group of friends or your synagogue."
"So, who is it?" She was curious.
"It’s Dr. Menachem Michaeli.”
"The surgeon?” She opened her eyes wide in genuine amazement.
"Yes," I smiled. Despite all the difficulties, I loved to surprise my mom like that.
"You're not normal. You’re exchanging a handsome, young guy like Itay for a fat, old man like Dr. Michaeli?"
"I’m exchanging a man who makes me unhappy for a man who makes me feel good."
"You just want to make me ill.”
"Will you stop making everything about you? Believe me, if life with Itay was good, I’d be staying with him.”
She continued pacing around nervously and throwing more questions and insights at me. Eventually, she asked me to rethink everything. I told her that Itay was ready to forgive me and try again, and she thought it was the best idea.
I knew there was no use arguing with her. She’d just have to accept the decision, because with all due respect, my happiness was a little more important than what a bunch of bored synagogue gossips might say.
When I left, I told her that my decision was final, but I was willing to think about it again. I didn't lie. Although I knew it was my final decision, I didn't stop thinking about it for a moment.
I remembered my childhood. My father was an insurance agent, and when we were little, he had a small agency and a lot of concerns. He also worked late and didn’t help my mother, and I assumed that most of their fights when I was a child were about that issue. When we grew up, found jobs and finally left home, they stopped fighting, and I assumed that the members of the synagogue thought they were a happy couple because they showcased a perfect relationship. I guessed that when Shira and Yarden grew up and life became a little easier on me, I'd also care less if Itay worked late, but was it really what I wished for myself? To sit alone in front of the TV and wait, every night, for Itay? My parents didn’t fight anymore, but they didn't really live as a couple, either. My mother had her own interests; my father still worked hard and when he came home from work he had his own occupations and hobbies. I don't remember a single time in the last twenty years that I saw them hugging or kissing other than for a celebratory photo. I knew I wasn’t ready to live like that – together, but separate.
If, in fifteen years, Manny and I lived like that, then maybe we’d separate too. Perhaps I wouldn’t care. Perhaps, as my mother said, I'd be a widow myself. Who knew what life would be like in fifteen years.
CHAPTER 26
I drove home from my mother’s. Itay texted me to say he was taking the girls to the mall to eat hamburgers and walk around.
I sorted the house out a little. I had piles of laundry. I sat down and folded Itay’s underwear, and I thought how intimate it was to fold a man’s underwear. I barely touched the organ cossetted by this underwear, but I still folded it for him and arranged it in the closet.
In a few days or weeks, he’d fold them for himself. Or maybe some other woman would fold them? Did I care at all? I couldn’t lie to myself: yes... I did care. Very much. I didn't want him, but, at the same time, I didn't want someone else to enjoy this man who’d been my world for so many years. I was afraid she'd find something I missed.
I hadn’t seen or talked to Manny s
ince the night I had the conversation with Itay and slept at his house. It was hard. I felt alone, and I needed him more than ever, but I knew that, unlike all the previous weekends when I snuck over to his place, this time, now that Itay knew, it wasn’t possible. Itay asked me to think it over until Saturday, and I thought it would be very tactless and rude to go to my lover during that time. I called him, but he didn't answer. Manny madesure to call me only at the office, so I knew he wouldn’t return my call. I sent him a message: "Love and miss you. On Sunday, I hope that something will start to move."
At two-thirty, Itay and the girls came home. Shira and Yarden went to play in their room, and Itay sat down to read the weekend papers in the kitchen. Everything was so normal and routine. It was as if I hadn't told him less than forty-eight hours before that I had a lover and wanted a divorce. Itay put the paper down and noticed my cellphone lying on the counter. For months, I’d been so careful with my phone. Although I rarely used it – my brief fling with Guy had taught me caution in that respect - it still had enough incriminating material on it. I guess my iron discipline had loosened. Itay got up and went to my cellphone. Although everything was out in the open, telling him the truth was one thing, but a confrontation with your wife's lover, even over the phone, was something else entirely. At first, I didn't understand why Itay had hold of my cellphone. I thought he might want to make a call. A few seconds later, I realized his intention. Itay was looking for evidence. I wasn’t sure why, since I’d already confessed to everything. Maybe he wanted proof that I wasn’t lying, that this was real… that his wife really had a lover and she wanted a divorce.
"You didn't waste a second," he said after reading the last message I sent to Manny.
I snatched my phone from his hand. "Can you please not pry through my personal things?"
"I should have done it a long time ago. Then maybe I wouldn’t have been living in the dark."
"Believe me, if you were even a bit interested in me, I wouldn’t have had a lover at all."
"I am very interested in you," he said. He always did tell me that he was interested in me and loved me and that I was important to him, just as I’d told him so many times that it was just talk and that I didn’t feel that interest or love.
"You say that, but talking isn’t enough." Maybe he'd finally understand what I meant.
Confession of an Abandoned Wife - Box Set (Books 1-3) Page 20
