Finding the Way (The Amish Millers Get Married Book 5)

by Ruth Hartzler

  Sarah was still puzzled by Jessie’s confession; she wanted to tell the Miller schweschders all about it, but they were all still consumed with helping with Hannah’s and Esther’s kinner.

  Sarah sat at the table and helped herself to bread and church spread, thinking with a giggle that she was glad these sandwiches were not made by the kindly Fannie Graber. Although she was surrounded by other girls, she felt all alone, and left the meal early to have some time to herself outside. Besides, she wasn’t particularly hungry.

  Sarah walked back to the bench under the weeping willow again, hoping that Benjamin would seek her out, while at the same time telling herself that such thoughts were foolish.

  This time, it was not Benjamin who approached her, but Nash Grayson. Nash made no attempt to sit next to her, but stood in front of her, towering over her, his arms folded, and the corners of his lips turned up. “Why are you sitting out here all alone?” he asked with narrowed eyes.

  “I wanted time to myself,” Sarah said, hoping that would not sound rude.

  Nash laughed. “I can take a hint,” brushing her protestations aside. “Anyway, I thought you’d be over with your cousins.” He gestured to where the Miller schweschders were playing with the kinner at the far end of the garden.

  “They’re not my cousins,” Sarah said. “They’re gut friends, but not relatives.”

  Nash put his hand to his mouth in a manner which looked to Sarah to be entirely fake, and at the same time, made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. “Oh, I’m sorry; you don’t know.”

  “Know what?” Sarah asked with growing apprehension. She could feel a hard knot form in the pit of her stomach.

  “They are your cousins. I’m sorry; I had no idea you didn’t know,” Nash said coyly. “Benjamin didn’t tell me that you didn’t know. He didn’t say it was a big secret or anything.”

  Sarah momentarily put her hands to her head. The world spun. She grasped one side of the seat with both hands and tried to fight the growing nausea. “I don’t know what you mean,” she managed to say.

  “Sorry. Forget I said anything.” Nash turned and made to leave.

  Sarah stood up. “Nash! Wait; what’s going on? You have to tell me.”

  Nash turned around, and Sarah saw the calculating glint in his eye. “Your father, well, your step father Samuel Beachy, was from my parents’ community, didn’t you know?”

  Sarah shook her head. The confusion was giving her a throbbing headache, and she was worried she’d be physically sick.

  “Well, I shouldn’t be the one to tell you,” Nash continued, unable to keep the smugness out of his voice, “but your father was Mr. Miller’s brother.”

  Sarah gasped.

  “Isn’t that a coincidence,” Nash continued, his voice seeming to Sarah to come from far away, “and the Miller family and Benjamin didn’t even bother to tell you. I wonder why?”

  Sarah pushed past Nash and ran away, the muted sound of Nash’s cruel laughter following her. She ran blindly down past the B&B, down past the ruins of the old stone cottage, until she lost her footing and fell heavily, landing on her sore knee. Sarah picked herself up, and burst into tears.

  At once, her arm was grasped by a strong hand and she was helped gently to her feet. She looked up into the concerned eyes of Benjamin.

  “Are you hurt?”

  Sarah shook her head and dusted the dirt from her apron.

  “You’re trembling.”

  Sarah shook her head again and hurriedly wiped the tears from her eyes.

  The next thing she knew was that she was pulled against Benjamin’s hard chest and he was stroking her hair. She reveled in his manly scent and strong arms. She wanted to stay there forever, safe and warm.

  Yet Nash’s words rang loudly through her ears: Benjamin didn’t tell me you didn’t know, and, Benjamin didn’t even bother to tell you.

  She pushed Benjamin away and clapped her hands over her ears, as if that would make the thoughts stop.

  “Why did you tell Nash?” she snapped.

  Benjamin frowned, clearly puzzled by Sarah’s accusatory words and her abrupt change in attitude. “Tell Nash what?” he asked, scratching his head.

  “How could you, Benjamin? I thought I could trust you; how could you do this to me?” Sarah ran from Benjamin, leaving him staring after her in bewilderment.

  1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

  Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

  Chapter 8

  Sarah reached the Miller familye buggy just as Mr. and Mrs. Miller were about to leave.

  “Don’t you want to stay with the youngie for the afternoon?” Mrs. Miller asked, clearly concerned about Sarah’s red, puffy eyes.

  Sarah shook her head. “Nee, I just want to get home, and then there is something important I want to ask you.”

  “Whatever has happened, child?”

  Sarah dabbed at her eyes and said, “Please, can it wait until we are back in the haus?”

  Mrs. Miller nodded and the short journey was spent in tense silence. When they arrived at the haus, Mr. Miller promptly made himself scarce, while Mrs. Miller and Sarah went into the haus.

  The soft, puffy clouds and the blue sky were being replaced by rolling, threatening clouds, and the sun was already behind billowing, black clouds. Just like my mood, Sarah thought.

  Mrs. Miller made herself and Sarah a hot, meadow tea, and then sat at the kitchen table, her face white and drawn. “What is this about, Sarah?” she asked in a kindly tone.

  Sarah wondered where to begin, but then thought she might as well blurt it all out. She took a deep breath, and then launched into her explanation. “Nash Grayson told me that Mr. Miller’s bruder was my real vadder.”

  At this, Mrs. Miller gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. Sarah was concerned that Mrs. Miller might faint, and forgot her own problems for the moment. “Mrs. Miller, are you okay?”

  Mrs. Miller clutched at her throat and waved her on. “Tell me what he said,” she said in a hoarse voice.

  “Nash said that Mr. Miller’s bruder was my biological father, and that my daed, well that is, Samuel Beachy, the mann I thought was my daed, was from Nash’s community. That’s all. Isn’t that bad enough?” she added defiantly.

  The color was returning to Mrs. Miller’s cheeks somewhat although she was wringing her hands restlessly. “You deserve a full explanation,” she said.

  Sarah sat in silence, waiting for Mrs. Miller to continue. “My husband Abraham’s bruder, Shem, was your vadder,” she said. “He married your mudder, Mary Lengacher, and they had you. Abraham and Shem were close, but your mudder never really got on with any of us. Shem died when you were still a little boppli. Your mudder was from southern Indiana.”

  Sarah knew where her mudder was from, and could contain herself no longer. “Why wasn’t I told?”

  “I’m getting to that,” Mrs. Miller said patiently. “Like I said, our familye did not get on well with your mudder, Mary Lengacher. We saw her at Shem’s funeral of course, but then did not see her again until you were six months old. She brought you here and said she was getting remarried. We were surprised, of course, so soon after your vadder had died. It was not our place to judge,” Mrs. Miller added primly, the corners of her mouth turning down.

  Sarah waited with baited breath to hear what else Mrs. Miller had to say.

  Mrs. Miller cleared her throat, had a sip of meadow tea, and then pressed on. “Your mudder told us that you were too young to remember your vadder, so she was going to raise you as her new husband’s dochder. Abraham and I at first did not realize what she meant, but she made us promise that we would not tell you. When we realized that she had no intention of telling you that your vadder was, in fact, Shem Miller, we h
ad a falling out, and that was the last we ever saw of you. We knew that they had changed your name to your new vadder’s, to Beachy and not Miller, as would be expected, and we heard that they had no children of their own, but that was all.”

  A loud clap of thunder made both women jump. Mrs. Miller hurried over to shut the kitchen window before the first drops of rain fell.

  Sarah was hard put to process all this information at once. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this when I arrived here?” she asked.

  The color drained from Mrs. Miller’s face once again. “It wasn’t our place. Abraham and I discussed it, but we considered that it was your vadder’s place to tell you. As he hadn’t told you, we felt it wasn’t the right thing to do for us to tell you. We felt Gott had blessed us by sending you to us after all these years,” she added with emotion in her voice.

  “So, did you ever meet my vadder, err, Samuel Beachy?’

  Mrs. Miller shook her head, just as another clap of thunder sounded. “Nee. Your mudder made it clear that we were not invited to the wedding.”

  Sarah sipped her tea and thought things over. Her mudder had been a very strict woman. Her vadder was strict, but her mudder more so. Perhaps her vadder had not told her the truth out of respect for his fraa’s wishes. Samuel Beachy may not have been her biological vadder, but he was the only vadder she had ever known.

  Sarah was upset that so many people had lied to her, by keeping the information about her birthright from her. Sure, she could see why Mr. and Mrs. Miller had done so, in order to respect her mudder’s wishes, but what was Benjamin’s excuse? She looked up to see Mrs. Miller regarding her carefully.

  “Are you all right, Sarah?”

  “Jah, but it’s a lot to take in. It’s a terrible shock.” Her voice was quiet.

  “Jah, jah.” Mrs. Miller nodded with a sympathetic expression on her face. “I’m so sorry we kept the information from you, but we felt we had no choice, since your vadder himself hadn’t told you.”

  Sarah nodded. “But why didn’t Benjamin tell me?”

  “Benjamin?” Mrs. Miller’s face went blank.

  “Jah, Benjamin Shetler. Nash said that it was Benjamin who told him that my vadder was Mr. Miller’s bruder.”

  Mrs. Miller’s face turned as black as the clouds outside. “Phsaw,” she kissed. “That no-gooder! Do not listen to likes of Nash Grayson, child. He would not know the truth if it fell upon him from the skies above. I fancy he said that simply to cause trouble between you and Benjamin, who is a gut mann, by all reports. Unlike that Nash,” she added with annoyance.

  Sarah just wanted to crawl into a hollow log and let the world go by. This was all too much for her. She had just found out she was a Miller, which she considered to be a gut thing, but what was not so gut was that her vadder and mudder had kept this from her all her life, and she had found out only by accident. And what was more, she had made a fool of herself with Benjamin and wrongfully accused him of lying. Would he ever forgive her?

  John 13:34-35.

  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

  Chapter 9

  Nash and Jessie were once more down by the ruins of the old stone cottage, where they now met most mornings, while Jessie smoked a cigarette.

  Jessie had, in fact, given up smoking several days earlier, but Nash had not noticed. Too self-absorbed, Jessie figured.

  Today Nash was complaining once again about his parents. “They’ve given me the worst room at the B&B,” he complained.

  “Well, it’s free, isn’t it?” Jessie snapped.

  Nash was used to Jessie’s forthright manner, and was not offended.

  “Yes, but I’m their son; they should look after me.”

  Jessie shrugged. “Whatever. Well, you should at least clean up your own room.”

  Nash folded his arms. “Why should I? That’s what they pay you to do.”

  Jessie rolled her eyes. “They pay me to clean rooms for guests,” she said. “You’re not a guest; you’re a freeloader.”

  Nash laughed. He enjoyed their banter, even if he was on the receiving end of insults, as usual. He found all other girls boring, but Jessie was far from boring, and what’s more, she kept him on her toes. “I’m getting a job,” he announced out of the blue.

  Jessie’s mouth dropped open. “What, you? A job? Doing what?”

  “Construction, gazebos mainly,” Nash said smugly. “I’m going to work for Amos Troyer.”

  “Has he met you?” Jessie asked, her face clearly showing her disbelief.

  Nash snorted rudely. “What kind of question is that? Yes, of course; I went for the interview and he offered me the job. I want a steady job with steady income.”

  Jessie snickered rudely. “You?”

  Nash narrowed his eyes at her. “Yes, me. Why are you so surprised?”

  Jessie laughed outright. “I thought your only income was betting on the horses. Besides, you seem the lazy type to me.”

  “Well, I’m not,” Nash snapped, disappointed the way the conversation was going, and a little hurt by Jessie’s attitude. “And I haven’t gambled for ages. I owe money and I have to pay it back, since my parents couldn’t be bothered to pay it for me.”

  “Why should they?”

  “What? Well, I’m their son.”

  Jessie walked over to stand in front of Nash and jabbed her finger into his chest. “Where do you get this sense of entitlement from? You’re acting like a spoiled brat. You’re not ten years old; do you expect them to still look after you when you’re thirty or forty?”

  Nash opened his mouth to say something, but Jessie continued. “And what would Gott think of that? But I suppose you turned your back on Gott when you went on rumspringa.”

  Nash was highly offended. “I did not!” he said. “That’s a stupid thing to say; people don’t leave God when they go on rumspringa, even if they’re on a long one.”

  Jessie merely shrugged, and turned to look over the fields. “Are you ever going to return to the community?”

  Nash walked over to stand beside her. “Dunno. It depends.”

  Jessie looked up at him. “Oh what?”

  Nash pulled a face and shrugged one shoulder. On whether you’ll be my girlfriend, he thought. Thinking of Jessie as his girlfriend brought up thoughts of jealousy over Benjamin, so he asked, “How was the singing last night?”

  “It was okay, I suppose.” Jessie walked a few steps away from Nash.

  Nash followed her and stood in front of her again. “Was Benjamin there?”

  “Jah.”

  “Did you flirt with him?” Nash held his breath, anxiously awaiting her answer.

  Jessie crushed a small stone under her boot. “I’m not playing that game any more.”

  Nash frowned. What did Jessie mean? Did it mean she was truly attracted to Benjamin so would not play games with him? Or was she simply tired of pretending to like Benjamin in order to upset Sarah?

  Before Nash could ask, Jessie continued, “Besides, Sarah wasn’t even there.”

  Nash hit himself on the side of the head. “Oh, of course, I forgot to tell you.” He chuckled, and then added, “What until you hear what I did.”

  Jessie looked at him expectantly. She’ll love this, Nash thought. Aloud he said, “I overheard my parents say that they thought that Sarah’s stepfather was Samuel Beachy, and that he left our community years ago to marry a widow with a boppli. Anyway, I called a friend of mine who’s on rumspringa . His mother knows everything about everyone in our community. He called me back the night before last to tell me—wait ‘til you hear this—that Sarah’s father was, in fact, Mr. Miller’s brother!”

  Jessie’s raised her eyebrows. “You are saying that Sarah’s vadder was Mr. Miller’s bruder?”

  Nash nodded with delight. “Yes, and he died, and so Sarah’s mother married Sa
muel Beachy soon after. But this is the main thing, Sarah didn’t know.”

  “She didn’t know what?”

  Nash sighed. “Pay attention. Sarah didn’t know that Mr. Miller’s brother was her biological father. Her parents never told her, and the Millers didn’t either.”

  Jessie chewed her lip. “I wonder why no one told her?”

  Nash was a little let down that Jessie didn’t seem too surprised. “Who cares? Anyway, she knows now - ‘cause I told her yesterday, and she was so upset.” Nash burst into laughter, but was puzzled when Jessie’s face flushed red.

  “I’m not sure I understand,” she said slowly. “Are you telling me that Sarah Beachy’s biological father was Mr. Miller’s bruder, but that Sarah had no idea?”

  Nash nodded, pleased with himself.

  “And you told Sarah all this yesterday?”

  Nash nodded again, and then laughed. “If only you could’ve seen her face.” He laughed some more.

  “Why, that’s so mean,” Jessie yelled, causing Nash to take a step back. “I knew you were selfish and self-absorbed, but I didn’t know you were cruel too!”

  Nash was taken aback. He was puzzled by Jessie’s reaction. “Well, that’s rich coming from you,” he snapped.

  “What do you mean?” Jessie said each word slowly, and Nash should have been warned by her tone, but he was not.

  “I hadn’t been here long before I heard all about you.” Nash pointed to Jessie for emphasis. “Everyone talks about how you tried to break up Esther and Jacob.”

  An offended look passed over Jessie’s face. “I was young and silly, and thought I was in love with him,” she said.

  “That’s no excuse.”

  Jessie stamped her foot. “I was not defending my actions to you,” she yelled. “It’s obvious in hindsight I was mean, but I went to the bishop over it. Not that it’s any of your business. You’re cruel, you’re shallow, and you’re mean.”

  With that, Jessie stormed off.

  Women! Nash thought, staring after Jessie’s rapidly disappearing back. There’s no understanding them. I bet all those cigarettes she smokes are making her angry for no good reason. She’ll come to her senses sooner or later.