by Carol Oates
Dr. Swanson pursed her lips and turned to me. I’ll be back to check on you later. She walked off, closing the curtain behind her.
Great, I said with a sulk as I glared up at the ceiling. I’ll never get out of here.
I heard Carmel sniffle, and I peeked over to see her staring with tear-filled eyes at the x-ray that Dr. Swanson had failed to take down. Honestly, who cries over a twisted ankle?
Chapter 6
Clarity
A few hours and two more rounds of x-rays later, I was handed a pair of crutches and allowed to go home. There was no sign of a breakage in either film, a bewildered Dr. Swanson informed us before leaving. She blamed it on a fault with the x-ray machine, which we were assured would be thoroughly investigated. This information didn’t pacify Carmel at all.
In fact she became even more jittery, and it rubbed off on Lewis when we got home. Ben helped me hobble up the stairs to my bedroom, leaving Carmel, anxiously pacing a hole through the living room rug, to fill Lewis in about what happened.
My wrapped-up foot was beginning to ache a little now that the painkillers were wearing off. It was only late afternoon, but the drama at the hospital had drained me. I supported my leg with my two hands and lifted it onto the bed. Ben leaned my crutches against the wall beside my bed where I could easily reach them, and brought in some pillows from the hall cupboard and stacked them on either side of my foot, since I had to keep it raised for a few days. I couldn’t be injured during the semester; it had to be during vacation. Typical.
Can you get my pajamas from the closet, please? I asked Ben, who was still hovering after finishing with the pillows. He pulled out the first pair he laid his hands on and handed them to me.
Hmm. Baby pink bottoms and a darker pink top, the front completely covered with a picture of a sleeping teddy bear. I haven’t worn these in a few years, I joked.
Oh, sorry, Ben laughed, turning to the closet for another search.
No, it’s okay. They’ll do.
He didn’t seem to know what to do, and if I knew my brother, he was torn between teasing me for my stupid novice mistake on the ice and wanting to make me more comfortable.
Can I get you anything? he offered.
No thanks, I’m just gonna get my pj’s on and curl up for a few hours. Curl up? I couldn’t even do that now that I had to keep my ankle elevated.
Ben nodded and went to leave the room. Hey, Ben, I called. Can I ask you something?
Sure. He grinned at my frown and came back to stand at the end of my bed.
I wasn’t sure how to phrase it so it didn’t seem like I was reacting to more than his rudeness. What was that today with Caleb? He sighed, his grin more forced now. I don’t know.
You were very rude, I admonished. It’s not like you. Ben gazed downward, his index finger tapping distractedly on the metal frame of my bed. I know. It’s just, I know you like him, and he did give you the run-around
No, he didn’t, I interrupted. That was all my fault. I got things wrong. I could tell by the way he wouldn’t meet my eyes that he knew more than he was letting on. He’s a good guy, Ben, I continued. He watched out for me with Chris and then again today. Why was I trying to convince Ben? I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to add that I fell because of Caleb; despite what I said to Caleb, it really was my own fault. Caleb really was a nice guy.
He’d been nothing but nice to me even when I acted like a crazy person around him.
Ben looked up at me from under his heavy eyelashes. I don’t want to see you get hurt.
I smirked. Who are you and what have you done with my obnoxious little brother?
Less of the little, please. He grinned and winked, the wicked teasing glint returning to his eyes. I’m bigger than you.
Seriously, Ben, give him a break. He’s earned it.
Whatever you say. He tapped the metal frame one last time. I’ll let you get some beauty sleep. He smiled widely, going to the door again, and looked back over his shoulder. You need it.
Are you awake? Carmel’s voice came through the dark. I felt her hand gently rub my arm. I’d slept deeper than I had in a month and was a bit disoriented.
What time is it? I groaned and stretched out, remembering too late my twisted ankle. Ow!
You have a visitor, honey, she whispered through the dark close to my ear. Are you up to it?
Yeah, sure. What time is it? My brain felt scattered and not fully awake.
Who did she say was here? The room was suddenly bright with light from the lamp, and I blinked stars from my eyes trying to adjust.
It’s eight-thirty.
When my eyes became accustomed to the light, it surprised me to see that Carmel looked like she had been crying. Her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy; she had applied fresh makeup in an attempt to hide it. It was only a twisted ankle! She was definitely overreacting, not something she would normally do. Carmel was usually very level-headed. My whole family seemed to be acting out of character today.
Are you still in pain? She helped me to sit up, then fluffed the pillows behind my head. Not that I could sit up much anyway without lifting my leg up further, if it was to help with swelling, but if she fluffed the pillows at either end any more I’d be doubled over.
Not much. I winced when I moved too quickly.
I’ll get you something.
I fidgeted, trying to stop her fussing. Carmel! Relax, it’s not life threatening.
She laughed, but it sounded strange, and then she caught my gaze for a moment before turning away abruptly. Her eyes were watery. What was wrong with her?
I’ll send him up, Carmel sniffled and then tried to cover it up by clearing her throat as she closed the door.
Him! Did she say him?
Oh, no! Panic set in instantly and my fuzzy brain cleared. My eyes darted down to the sleeping teddy bear on my chest, and my heart started to race.
This could not happening. There was nothing I could do about my bandaged leg exposed where my quilt was pulled back, but I tugged the other end of the quilt over the bear and frantically dragged my fingers through my tangled hair. My mouth was suddenly arid, and I quickly gulped down a tall glass of water from my nightstand. My lungs began to feel constricted, only managing shallow breaths, and then there was a light knock on the door.
Come in, I croaked. My throat still felt dry from sleep.
The door opened slowly, and Caleb stepped in, smiling. This was too much; a few weeks ago he didn’t want to be in the same building with me, and now he was standing, looking unbelievably handsome, in my bedroom.
I tried really hard to remain calm. I had asked Ben to give him a break; the least I could do was the same. His worried eyes spotted the mound of pillows and my propped up injured limb.
How are you feeling? he asked, his deep voice filled with concern.
Oh, embarrassed, I answered, clinging to the quilt covering the teddy bear.
His brow furrowed, and he stopped at the foot of my bed. I remembered how he said he would stop by, but I hadn’t actually believed for a minute he really would.
Embarrassed? Why? He seemed bemused. I distracted you. What? I was talking about him being in my room, but he thought I meant the accident and he presumed it was his fault.
Please, Caleb, I started, trying to sound convincing and trying to smile.
I wasn’t sure how natural it looked. No one is responsible for this other than me. Honestly, I’ve never fallen on the ice before, never.
Exactly. He said it like I was agreeing with him instead of disagreeing.
He pointed to the chair at my computer table. May I?
Yes, yes, of course, I spluttered. My stomach clenched with nerves.
He pulled the seat over to the side of my bed closest to the window and sat down. We need to talk.
He sounded so serious, which meant that this wasn’t just a casual visit to see how I was doing. He had other motives. But he was right.
I know, I sighed, staring down to my toes.
&nbs
p; About my girlfriend, he began seriously. My heart thumped. I kept my eyes on my toes. I was wondering how exactly you heard that I have a girlfriend?
I frowned and glanced up to him, momentarily distracted by the brilliant smile he was beaming at me. I wished he would share the joke. I told you, my friends talk about you, I reminded him, tugging the quilt up further.
Caleb leaned forward and lowered his head, the fingers of each hand spread wide and pressed against the fingers of the other hand. I could still see him smiling. Was he trying to repress laughter? I was on the verge of taking back what I thought about him not knowing he was hurting me.
He seemed to be enjoying this.
A friend’s mother saw you having dinner with a beautiful blond woman in Manhattan.
His head lifted sharply, and his eyes flashed with understanding. That made one of us.
And? he prompted.
My heart raced. You were going on about love. I paused and then finished indignantly. Do I really need to fill you in? You were there, after all . Caleb’s lips twitched. Yes, I apologize, you’re right. I do remember the night in question.
My foot burned when I moved to adjust my position, and I hissed in a breath.
Are you okay?
Fine, I snapped, harsher than I meant to. So much for giving him a break.
Caleb stood and went to the window, where he stared out to the street.
I’m sorry I didn’t phone, he said. I had no idea you were thinking this way.
I thought we had reached an understanding. He stopped and turned his gaze to the door. My eyes followed. After a few moments, I heard footsteps on the stairs and then a tap on the door.
Come in.
Lewis pushed the door in, carrying a glass vase filled with flowers in one hand. They were the strangest flowers I had ever seen; they looked like roses, but each bloom was multi-colored orange, yellow, dark blue, and green.
In the other hand he held a glass of water between his thumb and forefinger.
What are they? I exclaimed, wide eyed.
Caleb rushed to Lewis and took the flowers from him. Lewis shot him the most peculiar look, almost as if he was afraid of him. It reminded me of how Seth had been toward me lately.
Caleb brought them for you, Lewis answered glumly, watching him place them on the side of my desk. What was with everyone today?
Eh, thanks, I stammered, unsure of the proper etiquette for receiving flowers. No one had ever given me any before.
How are you feeling, babes? Lewis had a gentler tone now as he pressed his palm to my forehead.
It’s my leg, not my head, I protested. I’ll live.
You feel a bit hot, he remarked, nicely drawing attention to my flushed cheeks.
I’m okay. I brushed his hand away from my head. Lewis wordlessly handed me the glass of water and two tiny white pills he was holding. He looked strained, and he was paler than usual. Holding the quilt up with one hand, I took the pills and then gulped down the full glass of water, aware all the time that Caleb was watching.
Lewis’s eyes darted to Caleb again and then away as he headed to the door.
Carmel is making you some dinner, he said, giving me a quick, forced smile. Just shout if you need anything.
Thanks, I said after him, but he was gone. Caleb was again staring out the window.
Thanks for the flowers, I said, intrigued by the bizarrely colorful blooms.
What are they?
He turned away from the window, stepped over to the desk, and pulled one of the flowers from the vase before sitting down on the seat again. The luscious smell of his body was beginning to saturate the air in my room, and I worried it would remain to torment me long after he was gone.
They’re happy roses, he said, handing me the single, long-stemmed flower. I didn’t know what your favorite color was. I examined the flower, turning it in my hand. On closer inspection, it was even more unusual. There were a few petals of each color and varying degrees of shade: turquoise, dark pink, and purple.
I don’t have one. I love all colors, I admitted sniffing the rose. It was strong and sweet. I’d never seen such an odd and beautiful flower.
Good choice, then. Caleb smiled.
I was starting to feel hot; the back of my neck was prickling with beads of sweat, probably the result of holding the quilt over me in an already warm room coupled with my racing heart.
I don’t think your aunt and uncle like my being here, Caleb observed.
His expression remained soft, not put off by my family’s ill manners.
I looked back to the rose, concentrating on keeping my breathing steady.
Wow! It was hot in here. They’re not used to guys coming to the house, I lied. I didn’t know what the problem was. It wasn’t as if we were dating.
Even if we were, there was only a three year age gap, and Caleb was hardly a bum. Maybe the work thing bothered them or Ben had ratted me out and they knew about his girlfriend still, we weren’t dating. Why was he here anyway, if not to torment me further? Not very nice when I was injured and couldn’t run away. I peeked up at him.
Caleb, why are you doing this? Looking out for me? I asked suspiciously before placing the rose into the empty glass on my bedside table.
You seem to need it.
I stayed silent for a few moments. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all, I reminded myself. I looked up at him again, and he smiled briefly.
Don’t take offense, he warned. Why did people always say that right before they say something they know is going to cause offense?
What? I pressed dryly.
I really don’t know myself why I’m doing it, he confessed. Ours is an unorthodox situation. He kept his voice light. Haven’t you noticed the effect you have on people around you? The rhythm of his voice made it hard to breathe.
My eyes flashed to his face, his golden skin gleamed and his eyes shimmered, the corners creasing with his smile. I was dumbfounded that he of all people was asking me that.
I have no idea what you’re talking about. My blood was going to boil over if I didn’t cool down soon. What difference would it make if he saw my pajamas anyway? I didn’t really care as much anymore, so I flung the quilt off to the side and felt much better.
Caleb stifled a chuckle but said nothing about my sleeping attire. I refused to comment. It was none of his business. Instead, I grimaced at him until he continued.
You’re like the center of gravity to the people around you. It’s like you are the light in their universe, or a magnetic force surrounds you, pulling people in. I have to admit it affected me too.
That’s ridiculous, I scoffed, rubbing my leg. But I had to admit, I had felt the irresistible magnetic force between us too. You can talk. His eyes narrowed at me. You really don’t see it, do you? I shook my head. He looked embarrassed for a moment.
I know the effect I have. Sometimes it’s useful, I admit, but sometimes it’s harder, when you can’t be sure if someone — but it’s part of wha who I am. Caleb stood again and started to pace around my room; he really couldn’t stay still for any length of time at all. Was he nervous?
Your friends and family, he said, returning to his explanation. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and continued to pace. They circle you.
Today for example, people just dropped what they were doing to take care of you, and those who didn’t come rushing to help, watched. You draw people to you. They don’t notice why, they don’t even care why, but they just need to be near you.
I’d never thought about it that way, though I had noticed that everyone always watched out for me. I assumed it was because they didn’t think I was capable of taking care of myself. Caleb looked contemplative, his eyebrows knitted in concentration.
I’ve never seen another human being do that, he whispered, so low I felt I was intruding on his private thoughts. He stopped at the foot of my bed, holding onto the top bar. Triona, I know how you feel about me. I didn’t know it was possible to flush dee
per than I was already, but I accomplished it. Maybe you should just go, Caleb. I’m really tired. I cringed, feeling totally humiliated.
Caleb’s tone was filled with affection when he spoke. You’re right, you need to rest, but we need to clear this up first. My head was starting to reel, and I yawned, throwing my hand over my wide-open mouth. I had slept all evening; how could I be sleepy? Caleb sat down and inched the seat nearer to my bed, his scent filling the room.
Triona, I was trying to tell you something before, when we drove up Mount Battie, but I see now I wasn’t very clear. I remember. I thought he was saying he was blinded by me.
I was, he said softly. Are you okay?
Oh no, did I say that out loud? My eyelids were so heavy, and Caleb was getting fuzzy around the edges. Did he say he was blinded by me? I blinked, trying to focus on him.
I feel s-strange, I mumbled. Then it hit me. The pills. I blinked again and shook my head, feeling like my brain was rattling around inside. Caleb, what is going on with us?
His brow creased and I think his jaw tightened. I fought sleep with long deep breaths.
Maybe we should do this tomorrow after all, he suggested.
No. I reached out to him. Please I can’t wait. Caleb took my hand.
I loved how his skin felt, so soft.
Thank you, he said smugly. I had spoken out loud again. His eyes were deep swirling pools of blue — blurred pools. But I was still there, still fighting sleep.
Triona, this can wait. I want to be sure you understand this time.
I will understand. Please. I slurred a little.
Fine, he agreed reluctantly. You are all I think about. I can’t breathe when I’m near you. I think — no, I know I love you. My heart tried to speed up, I was sure of it. But like the rest of me, it was too relaxed to react to Caleb’s declaration.
That’s nice, Caleb, I murmured softly. I couldn’t see him anymore. The room had gone black were my eyes closed? New York? I heard Caleb chuckle, and his hand squeezed mine lightly. I’m sure my mother will find it amusing to be mistaken for my girlfriend.
