by Carol Oates
Mother, I mumbled. I think I smiled.
I was talking about you to her. When I told you I was off the market, it was because the moment I met you, I knew you were the one I was meant to be with, you crazy, beautiful girl.
I couldn’t focus. I could barely feel the soft warm skin of his hand on mine anymore.
You’re out of your mind, I breathed.
Something soft touched my lips, and I could taste Caleb’s sweet breath.
Highly probable, but I do love you, Caleb murmured. I’ll be here tomorrow.
Hmmm, I sighed happily.
It was a fitful induced sleep I entered then. Throughout the night, I had half dreams of beautiful golden angels fighting battles over a tiny baby.
My mother and father were there trying to protect it, this tiny placid baby swaddled in a red blanket on the grass. Caleb was there too, and Ben. I could hear Lewis and Carmel arguing from a distance. Carmel was sobbing, but I couldn’t see them. They were talking about Ben and me, about keeping us hidden. Carmel kept saying again and again that Caleb was dangerous.
Lewis hushed her, telling her Caleb couldn’t know. He couldn’t know what?
Then I remembered Caleb telling me he loved me, his soft lips brushing mine. He scent was all around me; it still filled my room, and I drifted into a deep dreamless sleep.
I woke with a start the next morning, my mind still swirling with memories. Caleb had been here, I remembered as I turned to the vase sitting on my desk. That much wasn’t a dream. I wasn’t sure about the rest of it. Did Caleb really say the things I thought he did? Or was that the product of the pills combined with an active imagination? My dubious brain wouldn’t allow me to believe the answer I wanted just yet.
I noticed that my ankle hardly ached at all anymore. Maybe a good night’s sleep was exactly what I needed after all , although I still couldn’t work out what the idea behind knocking me out was. Was it an accident?
Did Lewis give me the wrong pills? Or was I blowing it out of proportion and they had just been the painkillers Dr. Swanson prescribed? According to the clock on my bedside table, it was ten-thirty. I never slept that late.
The glass containing the single flower was still there.
I looked down to my injured ankle. The swelling over my toes seemed to be almost completely gone. I wiggled my toes tentatively; it didn’t hurt.
The wrapping around my ankle was too tight to attempt to rotate my foot, so I sat up fully so I could reach the bandage and slowly began to unwind it. My eyes widened with astonishment; did I sleep more than one night?
The skin was a little squashed-looking and had taken on the texture of the tightly wrapped bandage, but the blue and purplish tone hadn’t developed like I expected. There was still a mottled bruise on my skin, but it was mostly yellow, more like a week old than a day old. I moved my foot gently to check for pain, and found it stiff and uncomfortable but not painful. I’d be up walking around in a day or so. A light rap on the door disturbed me.
Yeah?
Ben poked his head around the door but didn’t come in. Hey.
What day is it? I asked.
Are you sure you didn’t land on your head? He laughed. I scowled.
It’s Thursday, he finished, exasperated by my apparent lack of humor this morning.
I looked back down to my foot, still confounded but pleased by the lack of bruising, and wiggled my toes again. I was about to say my injury wasn’t as bad as everyone thought when Ben asked, What did you do to the parentals last night?
What?
I was over at Jonathan’s last night, and Lewis called to say I should stay there to give you some peace and quiet. Then Carmel got on the phone and started telling me how much she loves me.
I rolled my eyes. She’s always telling us that.
Not like this, Ben chuckled. I think Lewis had to wrestle the phone away from her.
So, it wasn’t just me that was on the receiving end of the bizarre behavior last night. She did seem much better today, he added. I have to make sure you’re fed and watered while they’re at work. What can I get you? Ben’s culinary skil’s were extremely limited, but I was feeling hungry.
It occurred to me now that I hadn’t actually eaten since breakfast yesterday.
Surprise me. I knew I was taking a chance. Ben’s eyebrows raised in amazement at the trust I was placing in him, gastronomically speaking.
I’m gonna take a shower.
Do you need any help? Ben asked, looking terrified that I would say yes.
I swung my legs off the side of the bed and, keeping my weight on my uninjured leg, pushed myself to standing. Then I gingerly placed my bad foot on the floor, not wanting to risk any further damage. I think I can manage, I assured a relieved Ben sarcastically.
I felt a lot better after a hot shower, even if it was short due to awkwardly standing mostly on one leg. I dried my hair before putting on a pair of gray track bottoms and a sweatshirt with Windjammers, our school sports team, emblazoned across the front. I was propped up on the bed again, ready to rewrap my leg, when there was another tap on the door.
Come on in. I presumed it would be Ben with my breakfast, but it was Amanda carrying a tray.
Hey, how are you? She kicked the door lightly with her foot to close it and put the tray down on my desk, noting the flowers with a cocked head.
She’d brought up cereal, eggs, toast, and juice, and since it looked edible, I guessed she’d made it herself.
Oh, I’m fine, I grumbled. I just have to rest. She sat down on the bed, taking the bandage out of my hand, and began to wrap my ankle. It doesn’t look too bad, she commented.
It’s really not, I agreed. I’m sorry if I messed up your day. She glanced up at me from under her eyelashes, continuing to wind the bandage around my ankle. Really, Triona, don’t worry about it. It’s not as if you did it on purpose, she chuckled. Or did you? She glanced up again with a faked suspicious expression.
I laughed. Even I wouldn’t go that far to avoid something. Amanda finished with my leg and then helped me raise it back onto the stack of pillows again before going to retrieve the tray. Don’t worry, I made it. Ben was burning Pop Tarts when I got here. She smiled as she laid the tray across me and sat down on the end of my bed.
I picked up some toast straight away, hungrier now with the tray of food in front of me.
Phew! That Caleb Wallace is hot! She grinned, fanning her hand in front of her face.
Instantly my face burned. I nodded and took a gulp of the juice.
So did he come over? she probed, taking in my flushed cheeks with narrowed eyes.
I nodded again, as my mouth was full of toast.
Are you going to tell me or not? she asked impatiently while I dug into the eggs.
I took another sip of juice. Amanda’s expression was growing more tetchy by the second.
Okay, don’t laugh, I warned her.
Her brow furrowed in confusion. What?
I remember the start of the conversation, but the end is a bit fuzzy. I think Lewis and Carmel drugged me.
Amanda threw her head back, laughing. Why would they do that? I took another forkful of eggs, turning over in my mind the possible reasons they could have. I think it might have been to get rid of Caleb.
Paranoid much? That’s crazy. Amanda scoffed.
I considered it some more, but my mind kept coming back to the looks Lewis shot Caleb and the same conclusion.
Amanda inclined her head toward the roses. Are they from him?
Yeah, I said hesitantly, gazing over at the beautiful blooms.
Spill it, she demanded.
I’m almost positive he said he’s in love with me. I laughed; it sounded so strange saying it out loud after the way things had been between us the last few months.
Amanda’s head tilted to the side. What do you mean almost positive?
I told you, I was very fuzzy at the end, but I don’t think I was dreaming. I took another bite of toast.
&n
bsp; That’s great! she exclaimed. Isn’t it? She chewed the inside of her cheek waiting for a reply.
Of course it’s great, I squealed, sounding overexcited. I coughed and sipped the juice. Amanda was scrutinizing my expression, waiting for more information.
There isn’t any girlfriend in New York, I told her, guessing what she was thinking. It was his mother, I added dryly.
His mother! Amanda spluttered, laughing. She put her hand over her mouth and then giggled. Well done, Ellen Knox, for getting it completely wrong. When she stopped laughing, she gestured to the tray. Are you done?
Yes, thanks. I handed over the tray, and she went back to the desk, setting it on the side.
So what happens now?
I pursed my lips and brushed crumbs from myself. I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to talk to him again when I’m not drugged up. I mean, isn’t it too soon? Is it possible?
You’ll get your chance to find out soon enough, Amanda said, peering down into the yard. And, Triona, nothing is ever impossible if you want it enough. The doorbell chimed. That’s him. She grinned mischievously.
I’ll just take this tray and go keep Ben company for a while.
You don’t have to do that, I said guiltily. Poor Amanda seemed to be forever getting paired off with Ben lately for one reason or another, and she was always a good sport about it. I had to put up with the teenage boy stink that constantly emanated from his bedroom, but she shouldn’t have to. But butterflies were already gathering in my stomach, so I decided not to argue too hard.
It’s okay, she assured me. I don’t mind. She froze for a moment, staring at me nervously. Unless you think Ben would mind?
Of course he wouldn’t. I chuckled. He’s always looking for new victims to beat on his PlayStation.
She sighed, mollified. I’ll talk to you later. My heart was already racing. Amanda supported the tray underneath with one hand, and opened the door with the other. Caleb was standing there, his hand raised to knock. He pushed the door in and held it for Amanda, smiling politely.
Hi again, Amanda greeted him brightly.
Caleb, this is my friend Amanda, I called from my bed, wishing again that I wasn’t laid up like this.
Caleb Wallace. He offered his hand to shake hers. Good manners, I noted, and friendly. Really, what was there for Carmel and Lewis not to like? Caleb turned to me and Amanda made an O shape with her mouth, like she was saying wow behind his back, managing to recover quickly enough to smile serenely when he looked to her again.
I’ll talk to you later, she said with a wide grin. I’m sure Caleb can help you with anything you need in the meantime. She winked teasingly.
Caleb closed the door and moved quickly to the side of my bed. As usual my breathing staggered. Adrenaline and excitement coursed hot blood through my veins. I was about to ask if last night really happened but was silenced when Caleb leaned over and kissed me. Straight away his delicious, clean, new-rain scent made my head reel. His kiss was soft and tender, but I could feel the underlying restrained passion, and when he pulled away I was utterly breathless.
So I’m not delusional? I gasped.
He smiled, not moving his face more than a few inches from mine.
That depends on what you’re referring to. His hot breath on my face made my skin tingle. I frowned, not understanding his comment. Caleb brushed the hair from my face and kissed me again, as if conveying his feelings through his lips.
I gasped again. So you did say you love me? His eyes tightened in amusement. Yes.
And the woman in New York is your mother? I exhaled slowly, trying to control my breathing.
Yes.
You don’t have a secret girlfriend stashed away?
No, he chuckled.
You really do want to be with me?
More than you can imagine, he whispered before kissing me again. This time I reacted and allowed the waves of pleasure to wash over me, twisting my fingers through his hair and holding him to me. My heart was pounding wildly, and when he tried to pull away, my head lifted from the pillow as I clung to him. I felt Caleb laughing silently against my lips, and finally, reluctantly, I loosened my grip and released him. Caleb sat carefully on the side of my bed so as not to disturb my leg and took my hand.
No teddy bear today? Caleb eyes flickered to my school sweatshirt.
His lips curled into a smile.
I winced. Last night I had been feeling the effects of the pills and didn’t care if he saw my childish pajamas, but now it made my cheeks flush.
How are you today? he continued. His tone was caring, and his expression was relaxed, making him even more attractive, if that was possible.
I reached up to his face and stroked his skin from the side of his forehead, down the length of his cheek, to his jaw. It was so soft and smooth, as if there had never been a pore or a blemish on it, closely shaved as always but now, touching him, it was as if no hair grew there at all . When I didn’t answer his last question, his expression became more concerned, and he took my hand from his face and held it along with my other hand. There was a conflict in his eyes, and I somehow knew he wanted me to touch him, but didn’t think I should. It was strange; he didn’t react like that when we kissed, only now when I examined him more carefully.
I’m much better, I informed him with faked breeziness, attempting to keep the conversation from straying into a more serious direction. This was real his feelings for me were real and I deserved a little time to bask in the glow of his affection after all the misery I’d been through since we met.
Good. He smiled. I’m sorry about everything. His jaw clenched with sincerity.
I do have questions —
Caleb suddenly looked apprehensive.
But not today. I’m a little muddled, I confessed. I need to get my thoughts in order.
He sighed. I’ll answer as honestly as I can. I feel a little muddled myself when I’m around you.
You do? I asked, surprised.
Caleb released one of his hands and twisted a lock of my hair around his finger. Yes, very much so. I’m afraid I haven’t been behaving like myself at all lately.
How did this happen, Caleb? I loved how his eyes glistened when I spoke his name. How did we end up like this? From the first night it was like —
We belong together, he finished.
My heart pounded so hard I thought it might burst. I wasn’t sure if it could contain all the emotions I was feeling.
Yes, I murmured.
Caleb’s lips twitched into a slight smile. Because we are, apparently — I don’t know how else to explain it. We are two halves of a whole. I’ve seen it before, but I’ve never felt anything like it. The only time I don’t feel like my heart’s being ripped out is when I’m near you. I smiled, deliriously happy that for whatever reason, this amazingly beautiful man who could charm any woman with his deep, silky-smooth voice and who made my head spin was meant for me, and even more unbelievably, I was meant for him. He still didn’t seem real; this couldn’t be real, and yet it felt right. I reached up and pulled him down to me again, and he didn’t resist.
We talked into the late afternoon. The conversation was innocuous and light-hearted, about movies we liked, and activities. He again asked about my favorite color, insisting that every person had at least one, and he told me that his was green. But I kept insisting I didn’t and never had. Caleb had a fascination with books and with history, something he’d gotten from his father, he told me with pride. His father worked in universities all over the world in the fields of history and genealogy. His mother worked with troubled teens and children. I could see clearly from the way he spoke about his parents that he loved and looked up to them a great deal.
He asked more about my plans for the future. I admitted shyly, almost embarrassed, that I hadn’t planned for the future after traveling. I was sort of hoping my future would reveal itself when it was ready. He listened intently to every word.
How do your aunt and uncle feel about you le
aving? he asked.
I wrinkled my nose. They’re not very happy. Caleb was still sitting on my bed beside me, holding my hand and every now and then touching my face as if he was checking I was real. They wouldn’t be happy even if I was just leaving town, never mind the country.
And college?
It’s not like I never intend to go, or that I don’t like school. I just — I looked away from him to our hands. His skin almost gleamed; his nails were smooth with no ridges, like glass. I hadn’t noticed that before.
Yes? Caleb prompted, reminding me I was mid-sentence.
Oh. I laughed. I was so easily distracted by everything about him.
I frowned, considering how to phrase my answer. I guess I don’t know what I’m meant to be — My words faded. Where did you go? I asked, suddenly curious.
I — er — He stumbled over his words like he couldn’t remember. It couldn’t have been long since he left college. I studied in Europe, he finally got out.
Where?
A few countries. My family moved a lot. I noticed how the vein on the side of his neck throbbed so that I could see the blood pumping through it.
Oh, I mumbled. Evasive much?
I have something for you. He beamed an exquisite smile, making me catch my breath, even though I didn’t miss how he’d changed the subject.
Caleb let go of my hand and reached down to the jacket he had thrown on the floor earlier. He pulled something small and red from the pocket, slim and rectangular, wrapped in shiny metallic wrapping paper. I flushed deep red. Please don’t let this be a Christmas present. Caleb held it out to me.
Open, he ordered.
I winced. I hadn’t even known he was coming back, let alone getting me a gift. I didn’t get him anything.
Open it, he repeated.
What is it? My voice sounded suspicious, and I studied the small, perfectly wrapped red package like it was an explosive device. I took it hesitantly and turned it over in my hands.
Open it and see, Caleb said brightly.
I turned it again. It was too flat to contain anything much, the wrong shape for a DVD or CD too narrow to be a book.
