Fragile Bonds

by Sloan Johnson

  Maybe asking her to stay here was a bad idea. There aren’t enough pep talks and warnings in the world to keep me from being drawn to her. And doesn’t that make me the king asshole? While I have no clue what would be considered an acceptable amount of time to berate myself for noticing another woman after Alyssa’s death, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it’s longer than a month. Especially when the said woman is an ex who also happened to be a friend to my wife. But, what can I do now that she’s here? Jacob will be crushed if I tell her that I think it would be better if she stayed in the motel down the road.

  “Daddy, can we take a picnic with us? I can help make the sandwiches,” Jacob offers as he runs down the hall. I’m fairly certain the boy only has one speed and that’s full. No matter how many times I tell him to walk, he runs everywhere. And I let him because I’ve learned to pick my battles and this is one that can wait. He flings open the cabinet door and starts transferring food onto the dining table. “We can take cookies and oranges with us. And juice boxes. And grapes. And crackers.”

  He keeps rattling off just about everything we have in the small pantry and I can’t help but laugh. Jacob is filled with life today that I haven’t seen from him since we came back from the cruise. Things got serious within days of being home and I think he knew it. It’s good to see more than fleeting smiles which quickly fade. “Buddy, we’re not going camping. I don’t think we need to take all of the food with us.”

  Melanie walks out of her room wearing a long cotton skirt and simple white tank top, her hair pulled into a messy bun and sunglasses perched on top of her head. She leans against the wall, cupping a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. I glance back at her and she winks at me, motioning for me to go back to helping Jacob.

  I start putting snacks back into the pantry, leaving a few of Jacob’s favorite items on the table. Brody slides across the laminate floor as he tries to stop, making both of us double over in laughter. It feels really fucking good to be living again, even if just a little bit.

  Chapter 11

  After spending the entire day on the beach, Xavier and I escorted one overtired and cranky preschooler and an exhausted dog back to the condo. It wasn’t ten minutes after Xavier got Jacob out of the shower that those two were curled up on the couch, fast asleep. While Xavier finishes getting dressed, I pull out my camera, grabbing a few quick shots of Jacob and Brody snuggled up together.

  “Are you turning into one of those crazy women who is constantly taking pictures of unsuspecting people?” Xavier laughs as he heads for the kitchen. I catch myself breathing in deeply, taking in the spicy smell of body wash that has been left in his wake. I really need to get a grip. He hands me a soda and I follow him out to the balcony, camera still in hand.

  “I’m not that bad,” I reply, knowing that yeah, I am turning into that type of person. After so many years doing what I thought I loved and then realizing that it was slowing sucking the life out of me, it’s good to have something to feel passionate about.

  Xavier looks down at my camera before I feel his eyes creeping slowly up my body. He’s not leering and it doesn’t feel sexual, but it’s definitely a different vibe than we had before. Everything about today is different than it was just a month ago and I think we’re both struggling with how to process the changes. “I dare you to take it back inside,” he challenges me.

  “Done,” I say, reluctantly opening the sliding glass door. When I look back to him, I wish I hadn’t been so quick to answer because I would love to get a shot of him standing there, looking more relaxed than I’ve ever seen him, with a nearly full moon low in the sky as a backdrop. “See, I’m not that girl.”

  He pats the cushion next to him on the swing. There’s a small part of me telling me to lean against the railing, to keep a safe distance from him. The rest of me rationalizes that there’s nothing wrong with sitting next to a friend, listening to the waves crash against the sand in the distance. That is the part that I listen to.

  For the first time since November, the silence isn’t deafening. I pull my legs close to my chest, allowing Xavier to gently rock the swing. We both stare into the inky darkness, soaking in the noises of the cool night.

  “How long are you staying here?” I ask quietly. I’ve been wondering for a while now how long he plans to stay away from Wisconsin, but tonight is the first time I’ve worked up the courage to ask. If I were in his shoes, I can’t imagine I’d be eager to leave a place as beautiful of this to go back to memories of what I’ve lost. But that’s not his style. Xavier is a very ordered man and he has a job that he loves waiting back home. And as much as I can tell Jacob loves being a beach bum, he needs to get back to his friends at preschool. Both of them need a level of structure they aren’t getting here.

  “I’m not sure,” Xavier sighs. I look over to him and see the mask of sadness lowering over his face. It’s the first time since I arrived that he’s looked like this and I kick myself for doing that to him. “I have four weeks of leave left, but I don’t know if I can go back.”

  I lean forward, resting my head on my arms, willing him to keep talking to me. Xavier once told me about a theory called the octopus reflex. He said that if you want to get an octopus out of the entrance to an underwater cave, you have to go against your own instincts. Rather than pull on the animal, you simply push gently and the octopus will be so shocked it will dart out of the entrance, thinking you want it inside. Right now, I need to be the scuba diver, trying to lure him out of the cave. The best way to do that is to stay silent.

  “I feel like I need to give myself and Jacob a fresh start, somewhere that we won’t have so many bad memories. That’s why I love being here. He’ll talk about her from time to time, but he doesn’t seem as sad as I thought he would be. It’s almost like he doesn’t realize that she’s actually gone.” Even in the shadows, I can see his jaw tense when he finishes his thought. The only sound other than nature is him gently squeezing the aluminum can in his hands. It’s one of the few nervous ticks that man has.

  “But what will that teach him?” It’s time to get back to human reflexes, and every one of mine is telling me it’s time to challenge him. I understand wanting to run away from the difficulties in life. I also know that eventually, the time will come when he has to face going home. “Would you want Jacob running if things got bad between the two of you when you’re older? You need to be home where there are people who love you.”

  “The only person there for me anymore is Braydon. And I’m sure he’d find every opportunity possible to escape to the club.” My chest feels heavy with his assumption. How can he think Braydon is his only support? Have I not told him that I’ll always be around?

  “Xavier, you know I’m here too,” I promise him yet again. “We might not be the biggest support network in the world, but between me and Bray, you have nothing to worry about.”

  I allow Xavier to pull me close to his side. Feeling the warmth of his body, the hardness of his chest under my hand, I tamp down my fears. He’s a friend seeking the comfort of a friend. We can do this.

  “I don’t think I can go back to the house.” The longer Xavier talks, the quieter and more melancholy he sounds.

  “Then don’t,” I say with a shrug. “Find an apartment for the time being and hire movers to pack and transport everything. But you need to think about that because the only memories of Alyssa that Jacob will ever have are all in that house. That’s his home too.”

  Xavier leans over, placing a chaste kiss on the crown of my head. Friends, just friends. “I know I’m being selfish on this one, but I’ve loved twice in my life and I’ve lost twice in my life. Both in the same house. It’s time to move on.”

  I can feel those damn tears again and I wish there was a way to block them. He sounds certain that the only way he’ll consider going home is if he never has to walk through that particular front door again.

  “Then find a new place. If it helps, I’ll make some calls and get you a lease unti
l you decide if you want to buy a new house and we can hire movers to pack.” I’m certain that with one phone call, albeit a somewhat unpleasant one once Tyler finds out who I’m trying to help, I’ll have a place secured for the two of them.

  One of the biggest things I know about Xavier’s personality is that it’s like pulling teeth to get him to ask for or accept help. But it’s time he learns that he’s not in this alone and it’s not a sign of weakness to do so.

  “Melanie, you don’t have to do that,” he groans. The feel of his hand gently gliding up and down my arm is lulling me to sleep. I blink hard a couple of times, trying to hide how ready I am to fall asleep in his arms. Not because they’re his, but because they’re here and I haven’t slept more than three hours per night for too long.

  “You’re right, I don’t have to. But I want to.” I let out a long yawn and I know I’m going to have to head in soon. “I have a friend who manages some properties, we’ll give him a call and see what he has. Deal?”

  “Are you going to call even if I say no deal?” Xavier chuckles. He gently pushes me away from him, standing to help me out of the swing.

  “Probably,” I admit. No sense telling him I won’t. It’s a toss-up on which of us is more stubborn, and this time I’m going to win. We walk in the house and Xavier scoops up his son before heading to bed. “Goodnight, Xavier,” I whisper loudly.

  True to her word, Melanie is sitting at the table, phone cradled on one shoulder as she types notes on her laptop. “Okay, thanks Tyler,” she says sweetly before ending the call. “Oh, hey! I have good news. Tyler said he has a two bedroom on the west side that’s available now.”

  I pour myself a cup of coffee, wondering what time she got out of bed that she’s so perky this morning. I almost prefer pre-caffeine Melanie to this version. Almost. “Melanie, I told you I’m not sure I’m ready to go back,” I grumble, lifting the hot liquid to my lips.

  “And I told you that I’m not letting you run away,” she retorts, standing with her hands on her hips. We enter a masters level staring contest, but I lose it when she cocks one eyebrow. I always lose it when she does that. “This is a great place, good school district for next fall, close to the highway for you to get to work, and he’s going to waive the security deposit.”

  Now that I’m beginning to wake up a bit, I realize that I’ve heard this guy’s name before. “Do you mean Tyler, as in gay best friend Tyler?” I ask, not sure how else to phrase the question. If it is him, I can’t imagine he knows who I am or he probably would have told Melanie that she had lost her mind if she thought he would help me.

  “Yeah, that’s the one,” she says, bending into the fridge to pull out the carton of eggs. I clench my eyes closed when I catch myself staring at her perfectly round ass. “He also said they have a moving company they work with frequently and he can call them as soon as you’re ready. Because of me, he’s also willing to do all of this and have you sign the paperwork and pay first month’s rent when you get back.”

  She’s like a steamroller this morning. Even if I tried fighting with her, I’m not sure I could get a word in. And it’s obvious that she has decided that I am moving. When did she become such a pushy broad? “And what if I don’t want to move there? What if it’s a dive?”

  Melanie turns the laptop in my direction and I see a slideshow scrolling across the top of the screen. This apartment isn’t like anything I’ve ever lived in. It’s gorgeous. I roll my eyes, not wanting to let Melanie know just yet that she managed to find the perfect place for me and Jacob. While she finishes making breakfast, I return to my bedroom to find that Brody has jumped onto the bed and is once again curled up next to Jacob. I wonder if this place allows dogs.

  All morning, I work harder than I should to come off as distant and aloof when I’m around Melanie. She’s pushing all of my buttons, but it’s not pissing me off the way it normally would. Instead, I feel grateful for whatever stars aligned to bring her back into my life. Her incessant need to have everything in order is just what I need right now because it’s driving me insane that I’m putting so much effort into trying to appear normal for Jacob’s sake that I no longer give a damn about the things that used to mean so much to me. She’s probably the one person who can help me right now, simply because she is the only person other than Braydon who truly knows me.

  “If you don’t want to take the apartment, just tell me,” she says as we walk along the sand. Before Alyssa died, I couldn’t imagine being content walking up and down the beach all day, watching Jacob play, but now, I wish I could do it forever. I don’t want to miss a minute of his life, but I know that I’ll have to when we go home. Who’s going to take care of him when I’m on business trips? What if I have a late meeting? These are two more reminders of how much Alyssa did for me. Things that I took for granted.

  Against my better judgment, I reach down for Melanie’s hand. I need to feel connected to someone right now because I feel myself slipping into a place I don’t want to go when the sun is shining and the air is filled with Brody yelping as he runs after a laughing Jacob. I want to be here in the present, enjoying the fact that we’re still here.

  “It’s not that, Melanie. I do think you could work on your listening skills a bit, but I do appreciate your help.” When I look over at her, the corner of my mouth quirks up. I can’t see her brilliant green eyes behind her sunglasses, but I can feel them looking at me, truly seeing me. I reach up, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and I feel her shiver against my touch. Seeing as it’s over seventy degrees today, I know it’s not the weather that elicits that reaction. At least I’m not alone in feeling something I’m not willing to address. “Give Tyler a call and tell him to go ahead. I’ll have Braydon go and supervise the movers.”

  This is the only way I can go back to Wisconsin. I’ll call a realtor when we get back and put the house on the market. Hopefully Braydon will be able to oversee that process because I meant it last night when I said I have no desire to set foot in that house again. I remember how hard it was to turn my key in the lock after Melanie left, I can’t imagine how I will get through that knowing that was the last place I saw Alyssa alive.

  Chapter 12

  The transformed landscape as I drive through Madison reminds me how long I’ve been gone. After almost two weeks on the beach with Xavier, it’s time for all of us to make our reentry into the real world. Since Xavier knows almost nothing about where he’s living now, he’s following me through town. I feel a little bad for not telling him that his apartment is in the same complex where I live, but not really. It makes sense for us to be close to one another because there are going to be times when he needs me to help with Jacob, and this way he can’t tell me he doesn’t want me going out of my way for them.

  Xavier has always been the type of man who is completely in control of every minute detail in his life. Even when I first started working for the family back in November, there was no doubting that Xavier was the man of the house. The fact that he’s in such a precarious place that he’s allowed me to take on some major life decisions for him tells me that he’s not dealing well with Alyssa’s death. I don’t expect him to carry on as if nothing has happened, but I did expect a bit more fight out of him when I told him I would take care of finding a new place for him and Jacob to live.

  “Miss Melanie, are we going to your house?” Jacob asks from the backseat. This is why I offered for Jacob to ride with me for the last leg of our trip home. He’s only been to my apartment a couple of times, but the boy has a mind like a steel trap. I can only imagine how he would be talking his dad’s ear off if they were in the same car.

  “Only for a minute,” I tell him. “We’ll take Brody home, but then I have a surprise for you.” I look in the mirror and see him trying to lean over in his car seat to reach the dog. Those two have been inseparable, to the point that Xavier wound up sleeping on the cramped berth bed in the hall of the condo more than once. It still amazes me how a toddler and an eighteen
pound dog can force a grown man out of a king size bed.

  “I love surprises, Miss Melanie,” he squeals, waking up Brody, who promptly tries to crawl into Jacob’s lap. Now that we’re back in Madison, I wonder if it’s going to hit him that Alyssa is gone. It’s not like we’ve been lying to him, telling her that she’s here, but neither of us pushed the topic while we were on the beach. That was a time to let him be a four-year-old; playing, laughing and having fun, not mourning the loss of his mother.

  I motion for Xavier to park his car in front of my building before pulling beneath to my assigned stall. He’s leaning against the hood of the Audi, long legs crossed at the ankles, by the time I manage to get Jacob out of his seat and wrestle both him and the dog out of the underground parking lot. “Is this where you live?” Xavier asks, looking impressed by the surrounding. I smirk, trying to resist blowing the surprise now by telling him that it’s also where he lives.

  As he and Jacob follow me up the stairs to my unit, I start to have second thoughts, wondering if Xavier will question my motives by having Tyler put him two buildings down from me. This has nothing to do with my own conflicted emotions and everything to do with making sure they’re close enough that I can keep my promise to Alyssa. Hell, he wouldn’t be the first to think I’ve lost my mind.

  “I’m not sure about this, Mel,” Tyler says. I can hear him tapping away at the keyboard, only partially paying attention to me. “You do realize that if I do lease him the apartment, you’re going to be stuck with him as one of your neighbors for at least a year, right?”