Fragile Bonds

by Sloan Johnson

  I sigh loudly, wishing we weren’t having this conversation again. Like Stacey, Tyler isn’t a huge fan of Xavier Ross. He was there the night that Xavier pulled me out of the club and later left me crying in the living room. Unlike Stacey, Tyler understands that there were deeper issues in our relationship and we were both at a point in our lives where we were chasing something that wouldn’t work out for us in the long run. That doesn’t mean he’s eager to see Xavier back as a constant fixture in my life.

  “Yes, I know that,” I huff, rolling my eyes. I don’t have time for this. Xavier and Jacob are going to be back to the condo soon and I want to keep this a surprise until we’re back in Wisconsin. Xavier has reluctantly given me complete control over finding them a place to live, knowing that if left up to him right now, he’d be content to permanently move to North Carolina. “Look, we can get together when I get home and I’ll explain it all to you then. But for now, I need you to save that unit, call the movers and go shopping for me. Do you think you can handle that?”

  “Yeah, but you owe me big for this one, Mel,” Tyler laughs. As college students, he was the third musketeer with me and Stacey. By the time I was in grad school and he was settled in, working for his parents’ management company, our friendship was drifting. Post-Xavier, when I became a hermit, he got sick of pushing me to figure out how to live again and we stopped talking. Even with all of that, I’ve realized he’s one of the only people I know that I can call for anything at any time and he’ll do it. Not because he has to, but because he’s a genuinely good person and wants to.

  “Yeah, maybe we’ll finally go out once I’m back home and things settle down. Who knows, I might even let you take me to the club after dinner,” I laugh. Every month when I stop in to pay my rent, Tyler threatens to take me to the club where he works as a DJ two nights per week. For the past three years, ever since the day I walked into the rental office looking for an apartment, Tyler and I have promised to go out and start spending more time together, but something has always come up to keep that from happening. “I’ll send you a list of what all needs to get replaced.”

  There’s a twinkle in Melanie’s eyes when she leads us back out the front door of her apartment building. She’s up to something, I’m just not sure what at this point. Instead of heading to her parking area after getting Brody settled into her apartment, she reaches for Jacob’s hand and starts skipping down the sidewalk. She stops abruptly, turning her attention to a scrawny blond guy coming out of one of the buildings. When she takes something from him, shoving it into her pocket, the hair on the back of my neck stands on end.

  “Hey, slowpoke! Get over here,” she yells back to me. I quicken my steps and soon recognize the man she’s talking to. Even though he’s not wearing the garish patterns and tight jeans that used to be his wardrobe staples, there’s no mistaking Tyler Jenkins. When Melanie and I were together, we often joked that he was her gay husband. “You remember Tyler, right?” she asks as I extend my hand to him.

  I try to ignore the fact that I’m relieved to know the man she was talking to isn’t a threat. For him to be a threat would mean that I have an interest in her and I don’t. Not in that way. I tell myself that it’s only natural for a friend to be concerned about who his single, female friends are associating with. “Tyler, it’s good to see you again. Do you live here too?”

  “No, I’m the leasing manager for the complex,” he says, giving Melanie a strange look. I never did understand the way those two seemed to have complete conversations with nothing but body languages and facial expressions, and I’m not about to try now. “Are you ready to go inside?”

  Scratching the back of my head, I’m now the one turning to look at Melanie. The old Melanie would have been intimidated by the glower I’m sure I’m giving her right now. But this woman, the new and improved Melanie, is nearly bouncing with excitement. “Welcome home!” she shouts, throwing her hands in the air.

  There are so many reasons I’m not sure I can walk through the front door of this building, the very least of which being that I’m positive it’s not a good idea for me to live so close to Melanie. Logically, it makes sense seeing as she has offered to help me out with Jacob until I can find a position where I won’t have to travel as often, but that’s where the benefits of living here end. I haven’t lived in an apartment since I was in college and I’m not looking forward to well-meaning neighbors who want to check in on the poor single dad who recently lost his wife. I know myself well enough to know I’m going to be one of those nosy neighbors when it comes to Melanie. I have no right, but I still feel the need to protect her. Unfortunately, every day I feel more and more like I’m the one she needs to be protected from.

  Jacob starts tugging on my hand, begging me to take him inside. I’m not ready to do this. I’m not ready to face any of the belongings that were in the home I shared with Alyssa. I don’t want to deal with Jacob having reminders of our life before she died and the questions he’s bound to ask. But then, I look down and see the massive grin on his face and I wonder if it’s really him at all that I’m worried about. He’s four. Chances are he’s going to find a way to adapt to whatever is thrown at him. I’m the one who will have to find a way to climb out of the darkness that threatens to consume me on a daily basis.

  “Daddy, Miss Melanie said she has surprises for us!” I scoop him into my arms, loving the happiness my boy exudes as he wraps his tiny arms around my neck. If for no other reason, I have to learn to start letting go of the pain that consumes me so I can be the father he deserves. “Do you think this is her surprise?”

  Melanie and Tyler are standing off to the side, watching our interaction. I reach one hand out to Melanie, drawing her in for a hug. I’m still uncertain that this is the best idea, but I’m going to try to roll with it. “Thank you,” I whisper into her ear. She nods, placing the key to our new home into my palm. I approach the entrance with Jacob still in my arms, turning when I realize I have no clue where I’m going.

  “Number sixteen, upstairs,” Tyler says before I can even ask the question. “Mel, I have to get back to the office. Why don’t you take them upstairs and then Xavier, you can swing by today or tomorrow to sign the paperwork.”

  I hand Jacob and the key to Melanie so they can go inside. If I’m going to make the best of this situation, I need to start out by clearing the air with Tyler. I’m not sure if they’re as close as they used to be, but I need to do this for my own peace of mind. “Why don’t we go take care of that now?” I ask, motioning for him to lead the way.

  It seems I’ve had more of these awkward moments in the past six months than I had in the first thirty years of my life. And every single one of them revolves around the failure of my relationship with Melanie. She was the first person I fell in love with, the first person I saw myself spending forever with, and the first person I walked away from. Even though I know I can’t wish that things had turned out differently, she is my greatest regret. Tyler ushers me into his office and I’m still trying to find something to say to the man who was once a fixture in my home.

  “Thank you for helping Melanie arrange all of this, Tyler,” I say earnestly. Knowing that this is his complex, I’m a bit shocked that I’m welcomed here. The Tyler I knew held a grudge better than most women I know. I can’t see him opening his arms to me, even with Melanie pleading my case. Obviously, time has changed all of us.

  Tyler shuffles through the stacks of paperwork on his desk, not acknowledging my remark. It’s a bit rude, but lets me know where things stand between us. He’s not doing this for me, he’s doing this because he cares about Melanie and she has a way of making people want to do things for her.

  “Listen, I know I don’t owe you an explanation or an apology, but I don’t want things to be strained between us if I’m going to be your tenant.” It feels as if I’m talking to a brick wall, but I need to get the words out there if I’m truly committed to changing the way that I live. “Melanie and I have had a lot of time
to talk about the way things played out between the two of us when we were together. I was wrong to turn her away the way that I did. I knew that the day after I did it, but by the time I worked up the balls to beg her forgiveness, it was too late.”

  Tyler folds his arms on top of the desk, leaning in to give me his undivided attention. He still looks skeptical, but at least he’s listening.

  “I tried calling her cell phone, but Stacey said she didn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t question her at that point because I wouldn’t have wanted to talk to me either,” I admit sheepishly. God, I still can’t believe what an arrogant, controlling prick I had allowed myself to become. I only partly hope the time comes when I can ask Melanie why she put up with me as long as she did. “Day after day, I tried to call and every day Stacey told me Melanie was trying to move on with her life.”

  “You should have tried harder,” Tyler says bluntly. “If you loved her a quarter as much as you claimed to, you should have been kicking in her front door, crawling across the room and asking what it would take for her to forgive you.”

  I can’t dispute his statement because it’s true. I was too much of a fucking coward to be the man she needed me to be back then. It was easy to justify my actions by saying I was abiding by Melanie’s wishes. Once she was gone, I berated myself for crossing the line from being a Dominant male into being a controlling asshole. It was a time of experimentation in my life that cost me the woman I loved and I will never be able to make her see how sorry I am for what I did.

  “You’re right, I should have.” I wring my hands as I decide how much I want to share with Tyler. By the time I open my mouth again to speak, I decide that there will be time for full disclosure, if that’s what is needed, but not today. “And I can’t change that now. But I need you to know, I’m not the same man I was back then and I have made a promise to myself and to Melanie that I will do everything I can to make sure I do everything possible to keep her from hurting in the future.”

  In an effort to change the subject, Tyler pushes a stack of papers in front of me. He points to various sections of the lease, asking me to confirm that he has explained it by placing my initials in the margins. I sign the last page and he makes a copy for my own records. Perhaps I was a fool to think there is any reason for conversation that isn’t completely business related.

  Side by side, we walk to the end of the parking lot so he can show me the mail boxes, outdoor pool and recreation center. I have to admit, I’m impressed by the facilities here. It would be nice if there was more green space or a playground for Jacob, but it will do quite nicely while I figure out where I want to go from here.

  Once the tour is complete, Tyler follows me back to my building. “Xavier, I’m not going to say you didn’t fuck up royally. That stunt you pulled dragging her out of the club was just about enough to make me want to kick your ass,” Tyler says, never looking in my direction. The thought of him getting into any sort of fight other than a cat fight is amusing, but I do know he was fiercely protective of Melanie, so anything is possible. “You crushed her when you left. If you had walked in off the streets, I probably wouldn’t have rented this place to you. But, Melanie forced me to listen to what really happened after that night and I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. Stacey is a vile, jealous bitch and I don’t doubt what you and Melanie claim she did. But you need to know, if you do anything to hurt her again, you’re not going to like the results.”

  “I hear you, Tyler. Again, thank you for being understanding.” I give him a firm handshake before walking into the building, expecting him to head back to his office. When he follows me up the stairs, I’m tempted to ask what he’s doing, but I figure better of it. I’m not going to be stupid enough to risk offending him right now.

  “I hope you like it,” Tyler says as I reach to open the door. I can’t imagine this place is that much different from any other apartment out there, but it’s nice to see that he takes pride in the units he’s responsible for.

  I’m a bit confused as I walk into the living area, wondering if this was a furnished unit. The furniture, while perfect for this space, isn’t anything I’ve seen before. “Melanie said you had called movers to move my things,” I say, confused.

  “Yeah, about that…” Tyler’s voice drifts off as he goes to find Melanie. It’s not hard since she and Jacob are both laughing hysterically inside one of the bedrooms. I follow him into Jacob’s new bedroom and I’m amazed. Planets and stars hang from the ceiling and there’s a mural on one wall, complete with a very detailed rocket ship. Sadly, I’m a bit jealous of my son’s private space. “Mel, did you have something you wanted to tell Xavier?”

  Chapter 13

  Jacob and I have been having such a great time exploring his new bedroom, I almost forgot about the fact that Xavier was going to be thoroughly confused when he walked in. After the first few nights spent trying to convince him that he needed to come home, I realized that having constant reminders of Alyssa was a sticking point for him. So, I made the executive decision to have all of his furniture sent to storage and gave Tyler carte blanche to decorate the new space as he saw fit. The only stipulation was that he had to remember this was for a man and his four year old son, not for a bachelor.

  When Jacob and I walked in, part of me wished this was my new home. The normally white walls in the living room have been painted a rich buttercream color. Xavier’s flat screen television, one of the only things moved from the house, is mounted over the fireplace against the far wall. The furniture is rustic, but seems to fit in the contemporary space. Jacob’s room is nothing you would ever see in a rental unit. Tyler called one of his friends and had a mural painted along one wall in hopes of making it feel like a place Jacob can call his own, not a temporary bedroom. The only room I haven’t looked at yet is Xavier’s room, and if I have my way, it will stay that way. I have no need to know what lies behind the door on the other side of the living room.

  Tyler takes my place on the floor of Jacob’s room, listening to the little boy ramble about wanting to build a real rocket ship and fly to the moon. Xavier and I watch for a moment, making sure the two are getting along before retreating to the kitchen. “Melanie, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but where are our things?”

  Xavier doesn’t sound angry, just perplexed. Maybe the appropriate thing to do would have been to ask what he wanted to do when it came to furnishing their new space, but I feared asking him to make any sort of decision in this regard would have caused a setback that would have kept him living the life of a beach bum in the Outer Banks.

  “You said you needed a fresh start,” I say quietly. I’m starting to second guess everything about what I’ve done and that pisses me off. I know I did the best thing I could for them, even if he can’t see that right now. I force myself to look into his eyes, exuding confidence that I don’t truly feel. “Everything in that house has been through our relationship as well as your time with Alyssa. Even if we had it moved here, the memories would have remained. I thought you would appreciate a truly clean slate. I’m sorry, I should have asked you first. If you don’t like what Tyler did, we can return this furniture and move your old stuff in. Right now, it’s still at the house so it’s not so empty for showings.”

  I’m aware that I’m rambling, but as long as I keep talking, Xavier can’t lose his temper. This past week, his moods have been all over the place, and this is the type of thing I could see setting him off. I’m caught off guard when, for the second time today, Xavier pulls me into his arms, pressing my head against his firm chest.

  “Thank you,” he sighs, placing a tender kiss on the crown of my head. I could easily get used to these little bits of affection from him. Too easily. The thought terrifies me. “It’s a lot to take in all at once, but I know your heart was in the right place.”

  “You’re not upset that you’re living so close to me?” I ask, still waiting for the mood shift I’m sure is coming. He’s made it abundantly clear that he wants
space to figure out how to be the best father he can to Jacob, and living two buildings down isn’t exactly giving him that.

  Xavier’s firm hands land on my shoulders. He pushes me away from his body, just enough that he can look at me with those sapphire eyes. They’re starting to come back to life and I notice today, for the first time since Alyssa passed away, just how stunning they are. “I’m not sure it was the wisest move, but I understand why you did it. Just remember that you did this the first time I happen to walk down to the mailbox as some jerk picks you up for a date,” he jokes.

  “If you wanted to have a say in who I dated, maybe you shouldn’t have let me go,” I quip, immediately wishing I knew how to think before speaking. Xavier’s expression falls and I know I’ve gone too far. “Xavier, I’m sorry. You know what I meant.”

  I wrap my arms around his waist, hoping to bring a bit of levity back to the day. The topic of our past has been something we’ve both worked hard to avoid for this very reason. There’s too much pain and plenty of blame to go around. Talking about that time doesn’t benefit anyone.

  “I do,” Xavier says sadly. “But knowing doesn’t change the fact that I hurt you. I’m sorry.”

  “Stop,” I insist. “Today’s a good day, not a shitty, moody one. Maybe I’ll pop by bright and early some morning and we can rehash everything then. Deal?”

  “Deal,” Xavier says, flashing me a weak smile. He’s still in a darker mood than I’d like, but I’ll take what I can get since I was the idiot who put him there. “You do realize you’re never getting rid of Jacob now that he knows you live so close, right?”

  I hoist myself up to sit on the bare counter, making myself at home in his space. “You realize you can’t get rid of me now that I live so close, right?” I ask in response. As long as we don’t talk about certain things, my friendship with Xavier is getting back to what it once was. Comfortable. Easy. Safe.