bedeviled & beyond 06.5 - bedeviled & bah humbug

by Sam Cheever

  I frowned. “I’ve decided I don’t like Santa Claus.”

  “Why?” Gerch asked while pouring tea. He was a devil of many talents. He killed like a trained assassin, kept a thousand royal guard troops dressed, fed, and firmly in line, and poured tea like British royalty.

  I shrugged. ”He gave me coal for Christmas.”

  Gerch stopped pouring and arched a dark eyebrow at me. “You know you kill things for a living right?”

  I shrugged, feeling slightly insulted. “They’re sanctioned kills.”

  Dropping a single sugar cube into my tea he stirred it and handed it to me. “Sanctioned by the Big Guy, not the red guy. They have different rules.”

  I sipped, breaking off Santa’s foot with a little too much pleasure. Popping it into my mouth, I grinned. “He tastes good anyway.”

  “So what’s on the agenda today, my Queen.”

  “Don’t call me that.” I broke off the other foot and nibbled it. “Nothing. I’m staying in. I have ten more maps to go over.”

  Gerch slanted me a look.

  “What?”

  “You wouldn’t lie to me would you, my Q...erm, Mx. Phelps?”

  “I might.” A grin snuck across my face.

  Gerch folded his thick, red hands together behind his back. “Then I’ll stay right here to keep an eye on you.”

  I glared at him. “I was just teasing. I’m not lying to you. I’m going to sit right here.”

  “So am I.”

  Feeling my personal space being totally engulfed by huge, bossy devil, I tried another tack. “How about a compromise? You wait outside the door and I promise I won’t pop out.”

  He shook his massive red head. I noticed he’d layered little gold and silver hoops over his horns. Very festive. “Not happenin’. I don’t trust you and the King said he’d have my hairy balls for breakfast if anything happened to you.”

  Grimacing at the visual, I turned away, forcing my gaze downward. Faced with a new and intriguing challenge, I didn’t even see the maps spread out before me. My mind was busily concocting a plan to divert and/or escape Gerch.

  Happiness bloomed in my chest for the first time since getting dumped in Hell.

  I had no idea what I would do once I’d escaped but I was determined I’d get ’er done.

  Just to prove I could.

  Several minutes later inspiration struck. I glanced at Gerch out of the corner of my eye and saw that he was staring out the window, looking about as depressed as I’d been feeling. His sad expression almost made me change my mind about tricking him.

  Blink, blink.

  Nah. He was goin’ down. Besides, he was probably just as bored as I was. He’d probably thank me later for the challenge. Or not.

  Taking advantage of his distracted state, I reached over and touched the spot on my hand where a fellow halfling, Slayer, had recently marked me. Though Slayer and I had a confusing and blush-worthy past together, we’d become kind of ... sort of... almost friends. He’d given me a daemon hickey, without my permission of course, which I could use to call him if I ever needed help.

  Fortunately for me the hickey had disappeared after a time, leaving only a tingling sensation on my hand where he’d marked me.

  Thank the Big Him. I hadn’t looked forward to ’splainin’ that one to Dialle.

  I rubbed the tingly spot and shuffled my mental drawers. Slayer. I need you.

  I bent determinedly over the maps, pretending with all I was worth that I was transfixed by their ugly lines and squiggles. But I was actually keeping one eye trained on Gerch.

  The air started to shimmer across the room and Gerch jumped, one large, red hand moving to his sword.

  The well-built form of a male halfling shimmered into view a few yards away. He was tallish, around six feet, and his hair was midnight black, cut very short, military style, to enhance a densely muscled neck. His mouth was wide, with a full, bite-able lower lip, and his square jaw held a light stubble. His canines were slightly enlarged, like a royal’s, and his eyes were gold, with black flecks. He wore only tight-fitting black pants tucked into tall, scuffed, brown, leather boots. The smooth skin of his naked chest was a deep golden color. He was covered in a fine sheen of sweat and held a training sword in one, large hand.

  When he smiled, a matching pair of dimples decorated his cheeks. “Hello, Astra.”

  I looked at Gerch. “Hey, Slayer. This is Gerch. He’s a friend. Don’t hurt him.” As Gerch launched himself toward Slayer with a roar, I blew Slayer a kiss and popped out of the room. Locked in time and space I had a moment to wonder if Slayer would get a good workout with Gerch. I had a strong suspicion he would. For all our basic differences, and the fact that he was usually allayed against me in any given situation, I respected Gerch as a soldier. He was a savvy fighter and loyal to a fault. Given my feelings for Dialle, I had no choice but to appreciate Gerch’s determination to keep him safe.

  As guilt started to worm its way into my psyche I pushed it ruthlessly back and set my mind to the task at hand. Landing in the dragon’s nest of Dialle’s castle, I immediately wrinkled my nose against the smell. There was nothing in any of the thirteen dimensions to rival the stench of dozens of giant reptiles gathered together under tropical type heat.

  Bleurgh!

  I spotted Glynus across the huge room with a few of the younger greens. They had lined several items up along the wall and were taking turns firing on them. As I approached, Glynus let loose a stream of metal melting fire on something green with bright spots of color.

  A Christmas tree.

  The tree went up in a flash of smoke, leaving only a tiny pile of ash on the stone floor. The room erupted in exultant roars and Glynus tipped her snout and flapped her wings in thanks.

  Tadpole.

  The huge black turned and gave me a crooked smile. You ditched Gerch?

  Had to. He was way too smug. Want to go on a little outing?

  Her wide, black face split in a toothy grin. Frunkin’ ice!

  I let the swear word go. I figured if she was old enough to hang with the greens in Hell she was old enough to swear. Giving an internal sigh, I realized my tadpole was growing up. It made me sad. Let’s go then, before Gerch finds me.

  I leapt onto her back and settled in, watching the room for signs of Gerch’s or Slayer’s arrival. Glynus took three big hops and was airborne. The air around me snapped and shimmered as she settled her energy over me like a protective blanket.

  Without Glynus’ powerful protection I would have been ash like those Christmas trees within seconds.

  As we cleared the field of magic over the building-wide exit and emerged into the environs of Hell, I heard someone calling my name and turned, finding both Gerch and Slayer standing at the exit.

  I smiled and waved. Gerch let loose a string of foul words. Fly fast, Tadpole. I think we’re gonna have company soon.

  My pleasure, Mother halfling.

  The air shimmered behind me and something long, hard and yummy settled at my back. Looking down, I found my hands resting on a pair of muscular thighs. My long, auburn hair was swept to the side and a soft, moist touch at my neck made me shiver with delight.

  “You’re a naughty girl, Astra.” Slayer’s lips trailed down the back of my neck, sending spirals of heat and anticipation through my entire body.

  I stopped breathing as his scent made my nipples harden and places further south clench and warm hopefully. “Get out of here, Slayer. If I wanted you along I’d have invited you.”

  He chuckled, sending a wisp of testosterone-rich breath against my neck. “You called me and here I am. With only a small detour into less than satisfactory sword play in between.”

  I grimaced. “Sorry about that. It was the only thing I could think of to distract him.

  Those soft , yummy lips created another mind-boggling trail down my neck, starting just under my hairline, where the nerve endings were so weak and susceptible to intimate touch.

  “What about your
boyfriend?”

  I shivered, closing my eyes against the sensual assault. “He‘s busy.”

  Slayer’s hands slid up my thighs, heading toward the promised land.

  I grabbed the errant digits, stilling them, but was unable to purge their treacherous heat from my legs. Like spirals of smoke in a drafty room, that heat spread inexorably toward my happy place, making it suddenly hard to breathe in my little Glynus cocoon.

  “It’s a shame he doesn’t trust you.” Slayer’s tongue swept along my hairline and my panties dampened in response.

  “Good LORD! STOP!”

  Slayer halted in mid-lick. His hands stopped trying to slide northward. “Is there something wrong, Astra?”

  I started to laugh. I couldn’t help it. I was a minnow swimming with a school of sharks. And I was slathered in butter.

  Be strong, Mother halfling. He’s a temptation you don’t need right now.

  Like any good conscience...even one that was as big as your average house and weighed as much too, Glynus’ stating of the obvious was just the cooling draught I needed. I turned to my unwelcome co-rider. “Look, Slayer, I don’t think it’s any secret that I find you very...erm...tempting. But I’m stuck in Hell on Christmas. I’ve been handed a giant lump of coal this year. and I’ve come to understand that I can either make fire with it...in a land of too much fire...or work the coal into a diamond. You translate into fire. I don’t want to make fire. I want to make a diamond. Do you understand?”

  Slayer looked at me with his soul-deep eyes and pursed his eminently biteable lips and then sighed. He kissed me on the tip of my nose and nodded. “I do. You just need more time before you’ll be ready to succumb to my considerable charms. I can respect that. Later, Astra. Stay safe.”

  And he blipped away. Leaving me feeling very unsatisfied and a little bit cranky.

  Glynus, I said, doing the right thing really sucks.

  Yes, Mother halfling.

  No...I mean REALLY sucks!

  Her response was a chuckle in my mind.

  ~SC~

  We flew over the charred landscape of Hades, the monochromatic panorama making an indelible mark on my psyche. Despite Glynus’ carefully held protective bubble, the heat pulsed around me like a living thing, banging against my head and dragging moisture from my body.

  I narrowed my eyes on the scene below, beyond all reason, looking for signs of the Christmas season in Hell. Within minutes my head hurt so badly I could feel every strand of my hair. I knew it was futile to try to find something as bright and positive as the season of giving and love in the environs of Hell, but something inside me wouldn’t give up on the idea that Christmas was there...just outside my grasp. It could be found anywhere, I told myself. It was a state of mind, of heart, not an actual physical entity that Satan could keep out.

  My mind told me all those things, but my heart knew I was full of shit. Nothing good and noble could survive for long in the charred, hopeless environs of Hades.

  A huge, green carcass lay on the ground far below us. A green dragon. Dead. Its thick limbs twisted and contorted as if it had died in horrible pain.

  No Christmas there. No Christmas anywhere in that horrible, disgusting place.

  Where do you want to go, Mother halfling?

  Despondency swamped me. I was covered in a sheen of sweat and my organs felt as if they were being broiled alive. My head throbbed. My heart felt as if it were shriveling in my chest.

  I sighed, closing my eyes on the horror below. I was wasting my time. I wanted to tell Glynus to take me back to Dialle’s castle, where I could curl up in the fetal position and wait out the New Year.

  In fact, I opened my mouth to tell her to take me back. But something danced faintly past me on the super-heated air. It was a sound I never expected to hear in Hell. A happy sound. A bright sound.

  Bells.

  Did you hear that, Tadpole?

  Hear what, Mother halfling?

  I listened carefully and heard nothing. Deciding the heat must be getting to my brain, I shook my head. I guess it’s nothing. Take me back to the castle, Glynus.

  Something in my voice must have worried her, because she turned her massive head and fixed me with a beautiful, violet eye. Are you sure, dragon fighter? We could fly over the mountains for a while. It’s cooler there.

  I looked with longing toward the distant ridge. I’d never been there, but rumor had it the mountains were the barrier between Hell and the other realms. I realized that would be a logical spot for the greens to be escaping. Though none of the maps I’d been perusing showed an exit. I suddenly understood a breech could still be there. I felt better. And then I heard the faint sound of bells again and knew.

  Yes! The mountains, Glynus and hurry!

  CHAPTER 2

  The bells got louder as we got closer to the mountain range. Glynus repeatedly denied hearing them, so I had to finally conclude that, either I was losing my mind, or someone was trying to communicate with me.

  Flying low over the barren ridges, I noted the rows of cave-like indentations in the steep, sheer cliffs of rock. The cliffs overlooked a wide river of lava, which scorched its way through the rocky soil and gave off thick clouds of sulfurous smoke.

  Looking at the caves on the mountainside, I wondered that it had taken the greens so long to succumb to the noxious air. At that moment, I felt a twinge of pity for the large nasty reptiles. Something that had never happened to me before.

  We flew for what felt like hours without seeing a single, living thing in the hellish landscape below.

  Despite the lack of progress, I was growing increasingly agitated. The gentle sound of the bells should have had a calming effect on me. But they seemed to be doing just the opposite.

  It didn’t help when my sister decided to check in. My mental drawers shifted and Darma’s nails on the blackboard tones screeched across my last nerve. Astra!

  I grimaced. Darma. What’s up?

  I’m trying to find a Christmas gift for father. I can’t think of anything he needs. If he wants anything he just thinks it up and it’s there. It’s impossible. I thought you were going to help me this year.

  I frowned. Trust me, Darma, I’d love to be there helping you but I’m stuck in Hell.

  You’re such a drama queen, Astra. Just pop over to the mall and help me with this gift or I swear I’m gonna haunt your every waking moment.

  Perhaps you’ve heard of Hell? Large place, really hot, clings to its inhabitants like a Diva clings to her mirror?

  Very funny! Can’t you just pop out of there for an hour or so? Those people are damned for all eternity...they have bigger problems and won’t even miss your annoying presence.

  Bigger problems, Darma? You mean like making sure they’re covered head to toe with two thousand plus sun block?

  Yeah. Like that.

  I sighed, swiping my sleeve over the sheen of sweat on my face. I tried to pop out. It didn’t work. My popping privileges have apparently been revoked.

  Well thanks for nothing, Astra.

  She disappeared from my poor mind in a wash of anger. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. Only my incredibly bitchy and selfish sister could be mad at me because I was trapped in Hell at Christmas.

  Mother halfling.

  I couldn’t believe it. How could she be so unbelievably selfish?

  Mother halfling.

  The nerve...the amazing, mind bending, unparalleled, gall...

  Mother halfling!

  My eyes flew open. What!

  Look down there. Is that an...elf?

  ~SC~

  The elf was sitting on a three legged stool in the mouth of a cave, surrounded by snow. A small fire crackled happily before him and he appeared to be perusing the longest scroll I’d ever seen. It was piled in loose waves on his lap and wound around his stool and over the snow, disappearing finally into the cave at the elf’s back. As could be expected, he was dressed in green tights and a green tunic and wea
ring a red pointed hat, wide red belt, and red shoes with curling toes.

  His upturned nose and cheeks were red too.

  As Glynus and I approached, the little creature stood and turned his rosy face upward, watching us with placid interest. Glynus skidded to a sloppy stop in the deep snow squealing with delight as the heavy, wet stuff spun upward in a cold cloud, dousing us both.

  I grinned, thoroughly enjoying my first cool moment since I’d been dumped in Hell.

  Glynus lowered her head and I slid off her back, toward the ground. As I turned, something smacked me in the face, hard. The icy snowball was quickly followed up by several more, most of which pinged harmlessly off Glynus, missing me entirely.

  The sound of giggling coming from the jolly little creature throwing snow balls at me was at least as out of place there as the snowballs had been. I didn’t know what kind of magic the elf was using, but it was powerful stuff if it could create and keep snow in Hell.

  I decided to enjoy the moment, since it would most likely be short-lived. I crouched down and quickly formed a snowball, flinging it toward the little elf just before he let loose another icy missile.

  The snowball bounced harmlessly off the rock at the edge of the cave’s entrance behind him. The elf had space-shifted a few feet to the side before it hit.

  Smack! Another icy ball exploded on my chest.

  I laughed and used my power to form and throw more balls, actually managing to hit the tricky little elf more than once. Finally, in a moment of sheer frustration from having missed the little twerp several times in a row, I used my powers to shift behind him.

  As he blinked and started to turn, I smashed a huge snowball into his rosy little face. We both dissolved into laughter and called a truce.

  I dropped into the snow and lifted my cold feet toward the fire. The elf sat back down on his stool, picking up his scroll. “So...what’s an elf doing in Hell?”

  He spared me a quick glance. “Are you kidding me? This is our biggest coal distribution area.”

  I snorted. “Who’d you piss off to get Hades duty?”

  “I’ve never been very good with politics,” he murmured.

  “Yeah, me neither. What have you got there?”