bedeviled & beyond 06.5 - bedeviled & bah humbug

by Sam Cheever

  He grinned at me. “The nice and naughty list.”

  I frowned. This was a sensitive subject with me. “Am I on it?”

  The elf pretended to peruse the list, his beady black eyes flashing with terminal hilarity. “Astra Q Phelps? Let’s see...oh yes, there you are...in the coal section.” He burst into good natured laughter, his little shoulders rolling and bouncing with mirth.

  I frowned, not amused. “How’d you know my name, elf?”

  He shrugged. “I was told you’d be coming.”

  “Who told you I was coming?”

  He just shrugged again and pretended to peruse the scroll.

  I tried to read over his shoulder but he turned his back on me so I couldn’t see. “Why won’t you let me see the list?”

  “Santa / recipient confidentiality.”

  “But I’m a recipient. “

  He ignored me and continued to read the scroll.

  I lay down in the snow and, just for grins, made a snow halfling. When I stood up to look at it, my halfling had horns and a tail. I glared skyward. “Very funny.” Thunder rolled across the sky, sounding suspiciously like laughter.

  Glynus lay down on her belly and flapped her wings, sending snow billowing over the elf and me. She grunted in pleasure as the snow cooled her enormous belly. I love snow, Mother halfling.

  Yeah, me too, Tadpole.

  Glancing back toward the elf, I tried a different tactic. “Have you seen a lot of green dragons around here?”

  The elf looked up, his dark, sparkling eyes narrowing on me with distrust. “Why do you ask?”

  “That’s why I’m here. I’ve been tasked with stopping their escape into the human realm.”

  His gaze, which had been harmless and bright a moment earlier, like a puppy’s, was suddenly dark and unfathomable, almost hostile.

  I wasn’t aware elves did hostile.

  “You do realize they’re being poisoned here, right?”

  I opened my mouth to respond but he didn’t give me the chance.

  “Their only hope is to get out of here. You would stop them and cause their deaths? You would really do that? No wonder you’re on the coal list.”

  Sloughing off the un-elf-like dig, I ploughed onward, seeing a possible end to my stint in maximum security Hell. “You seem very informed and interested, elf. You wouldn’t by any chance be involved in helping them escape, would you?”

  He pulled himself up to his full height of about four feet and not much and stuck his little pug nose into the air, puffing up his rosy cheeks. “If I was involved I wouldn’t tell you, coal girl.”

  I felt a snarl building in my chest. Power tingled in my fingertips. I clenched my hands to stop myself from flinging a fireball at the vertically challenged rodent. “Look, elf. I don’t really care if you’re involved. I’m not gonna turn you in to the fat red guy or anything. I just want to stop the spill of greens into the human realm so I can get home and start enjoying the Holidays.”

  The look on his face almost took my breath away. Through his beady little eyes I suddenly saw myself. I finally realized what I was saying, what I’d been trying to do.

  I was willing to sign death warrants for every green dragon in Hell so I could get back to my champagne and cookies. I was a schmoe, a shmuck, a class A jerk. I dropped my butt onto the elf’s three legged stool and buried my face in my hands. “You’re right. I’m an ass. I do deserve a lump of coal.”

  Are you all right, Mother halfling. Do you want me to thump the elf for you?

  I sighed. No, tadpole. I don’t want you to thump the elf. I may want to do it myself.

  After a moment I looked up at the elf. He had his stubby little arms crossed over his ridiculous green chest and was tapping a foot covered in a jester-like shoe. His rosy cheeks were even brighter than before, infused with angry color. “What’s your name?”

  He blinked, some of the hostility leaving his eyes for a moment. “Wh...why?”

  “If we’re going to work together I’m gonna need to know your name.”

  He blinked again, thought about it for a moment and then said. “Ralphy.”

  I rolled my lips. Cleared my throat. Bit my tongue. Pinched myself. Then I said. “Okay, Ralphy, how many dragons do you have listed on that scroll?”

  Ralphy the elf stared at me, surprise written large on his little face.

  “That’s right, I knew it wasn’t a naughty or nice list. I’m not a big believer in coincidence. This mountain range is the obvious place for the greens to escape and here you are, an elf in Hell. Did you really expect me to fall for that?”

  Ralphy shrugged. “There are fifty more families and another fifty or more singles. I’ve been managing about two an hour. It’s a long, slow process.”

  “So what’s the problem? Why so slow?”

  “There are powerful protections built into this range, it takes a lot of magic. Especially to send them to Earth. The Big Guy frowns on sending potentially dangerous creatures amongst the human populations...”

  “And that doesn’t concern you? Sending them to Earth?”

  He looked slightly guilty. “I’ve been sending them to the North Pole. Nobody lives there. Santa’s given over a mountainous area to them.”

  I snorted. “And you thought they’d stay there? In case you haven’t noticed it’s cold at the North Pole. Only white dragons like the cold long term. Greens are used to living in Hell. They like heat. They probably started traveling south as soon as they landed. And they’ve been creating havoc all over Earth.”

  The elf frowned. “That is a problem.” Then he shrugged and went on as if I hadn’t spoken. “I need time to rebuild my stores after each extraction. And I have to keep a low profile. This isn’t exactly sanctioned.”

  “The red guy doesn’t know you’re doing this?”

  “Depends which red guy you’re referring to. Santa knows I’m here, but the other red guy, the one with horns and a tail, doesn’t. He’d be mighty irritated if he knew we were taking away his dragons. It will seriously cramp his style.”

  I grinned, clapping Ralphy on the shoulder. “Sux to be him. He should be okay with discomfort, I mean he does live in Hell.”

  Ralphy laughed.

  “Okay, elf, here’s the plan.”

  ~SC~

  The line of greens stretched as far as the eye could see, winding through the twisting, rocky passages of the ridge. I was in charge of holding the barrier open, and Ralphy manned the list, checking off families as they popped through the barrier.

  Glynus was line patrol, keeping the cantankerous greens from fighting among themselves as they waited for their turn to cross.

  She had her hands full. Already she’d had to thump a few of her young friends from Dialle’s castle when a brawl started midway down the line.

  Slayer was astride his red dragon, keeping watch and communicating with the reds on Olympus.

  Gerch was at the barrier, shoving dragons through when they balked.

  My mental drawers shuffled and Slayer was in. Astra, you need to step up the flow a bit, Queen Persuis is getting antsy. She has a thing to get to this afternoon.

  I sighed. Everybody had a thing to get to but me. I’m trying but I need more help.

  Then get more help. If we lose the support of the Red Queen you won’t have any place to send the greens other than Earth.

  It was true. Queen Zerphor, queen of the black dragons and Glynus’ mother, was away on a mission to the North Pole, where she was trying to find a mate for Glynus among the white dragons. It was not an easy mission, since Glynus had already been very vocal about her resistance to the idea, which was why, I figured, she’d undertaken her mission while Glynus was in Hell with me.

  I’ll see what I can do.

  I disconnected, brooding for a moment after I slammed the mental path closed on Slayer. I watched Gerch at the front of the line, poking and prodding and threatening the greens to keep them moving forward.

  I thought about trying to g
et more of Dialle’s guard up there, but dismissed the idea as quickly as I came up with it. Gerch was only there because I’d threatened to tell Dialle how easily I’d escaped him earlier in the day.

  Apparently he was fond of his “hairy balls”.

  I furrowed my brow. A wicked grin found its way onto my face. Of course. Why hadn’t I thought of it earlier. If I was gonna be tortured on Christmas, I figured my guardian should be tortured too. I grabbed the cross around my neck and thought his name.

  The air in front of me shimmered and thickened, briefly showing Flick’s nondescript form with a scowl on its face, before it blipped and he disappeared again.

  My mouth fell open in shock. I swore. He’d resisted me! How dare he!

  Okay, it was war.

  I placed my hand on my forehead and called him again, copying my aunt and my father on the request. The air before me shivered, pulsing with power in three, distinct places. The largest and brightest spot coalesced into my father. He smiled. “Hello, daughter.”

  The smaller but nearly as bright spot next in line pulsed into my aunt Myra’s glaring form. She had her arms crossed over her chest and looked as if she’d like to thump me.

  The third form, shorter even than my aunt’s and dullish compared to the Seraphim’s and the Archangel’s, blipped clumsily into view.

  He looked pissed.

  I grinned at my erstwhile guardian. “Hey, Flick. How’s it going?”

  “What do you want, Astra? I was busy.”

  The sound of a deliberately cleared throat made Flick jump guiltily. He gave my father a sickly smile. “Sorry, sir.”

  Flick crossed his spindly arms over his narrow chest and waited, his nondescript brown eyes filled with silent hostility.

  I shared my grin with the angelic assemblage. “Thank you for showing up to help.” My father lifted a single, golden eyebrow. My aunt glared at me. Flick’s lips dropped open. He’d been perusing the long line of deadly reptiles.

  “Help? What are you up to, Astra?”

  “I’m up to helping the greens escape the environs of Hell so their children don’t get poisoned.”

  “Weren’t you sent here to stop them from escaping?”

  I ignored my damnable guardian angel. He was just stupid.

  My aunt gasped. “Astra, are you aware of the damage these creatures will inflict on Earth when they’re released?”

  I frowned. “Of course! You don’t think I’m just winging it here, do you?”

  The other eyebrow lifted on my father’s handsome, angelic face.

  Aunt Myra opened her mouth, no doubt to scour me with a caustic reminder of all my past failures. Sure, I’d been known to wing it. Okay, mostly I just winged it. But this time, dammit I had a plan! “Okay, okay, I get it that I’m a screw up. But I’ve given this some thought.” I pointed toward Ralphy. “See that elf over there?”

  Three sets of angelic peeps turned toward the rosy cheeked short guy. Ralphy stood, open mouthed, staring at the impressive trio. He lifted a tiny hand and gave a little finger wave, the scroll drifting to the ground from nerveless fingers.

  “That’s Ralphy. Santa sent him here to save the dragons. But we need to step it up. Queen Persuis has an engagement she needs to get to.”

  Myra’s scowl cleared. “Persuis? You’re sending them to the reds on Olympus?”

  “Yes.” I tried to keep the smug look from my face but I don’t think I was entirely successful.

  A pleased golden light burst from my father, melting the paltry snow covering around us. I covered my eyes and Ralphy fell to his knobby knees in the snow. “Well done, Astra!”

  I grinned, always a sucker for parental approval. “Thanks.”

  “Well, let’s get this done, then.” Myra said.

  “Astra!” We all turned to look at Slayer. “I’m afraid we have company.”

  I turned just as a roar sounded in the sky beyond the ridge. “Shit,” I murmured.

  The entire horizon was filled with greens bearing Satan’s minions. The red guy had discovered my little plot. And it was about to get really ugly, really fast.

  Dialle! I need you...and about two hundred of your guards!

  I slammed down my mind shields before he could respond, there wasn’t time to explain and I needed to do the best with what I had until he showed up with reinforcements...or in case he didn’t.

  I looked at my father and my aunt. “What can you do to speed up this extraction process?”

  “We can blast a temporary hole in the barrier, big enough for the dragons to flood through. The hole will close up as soon as we drop power, Satan has complicated magics holding the barrier in place.”

  My aunt glared at me, “You’ll need to make sure nothing but dragons gets through, Astra. Zeus won’t be pleased if we let a lot of devils and demons into his protected zone.”

  A hair lifting roar sounded behind us, followed quickly by the growl of flame and the heavy reverberation of massive bodies smacking together. I turned to see Slayer aboard his red dragon, taking on the leader of Satan’s greens.

  Satan’s guards plowed into the greens at the back of the extraction line, creating almost instant chaos in the line. The conflict caused the line to contract until the smaller creatures were in eminent danger of being squashed.

  I turned to the angels. “Get that barrier open!”

  My father lifted his hands and turned, focusing his massive power toward the barrier within the mountains. I covered my eyes as Myra and Flick joined their energy to his. The light from their combined magics was blinding and filled with heat that melted Ralphy’s elf-made snow to water in an instant. It pulsed above the mountain range for miles, seeming to touch the orange-red clouds above.

  So much for stealth.

  I called to Glynus, who was airborne and fighting a large green with a minion perched on its back. She sent a final wall of flame searing toward the badly injured green, who was almost twice her size, and it went down, plummeting toward the river of melted rock below.

  She swooped toward me, shooting fire arrows into Satan’s minions as she came. As we’d done a hundred times, Glynus picked me up on the fly. She swung by low, slowing as much as she could, and I grabbed the edge of a wing and propelled myself onto her wide back.

  As we swung by Ralphy I yelled, “Get ready with that list, elf. We need to pick up the speed about fifty notches.” He nodded, quickly ticking off names as the greens lifted wing and propelled themselves through the massive hole the angels had created in the barrier in the sky.

  Beyond the shimmering hole, I could see the craggy peaks of Queen Pursuis’ queendom, and an army of reds waiting to usher in the greens. Glynus’ roar brought my head snapping around and we met the attacking green with fire, flashing claws, and, for my part, a thick, pulsing arrow of power that was more gray than white. The longer I spent in Hell, the more my devil came out, tainting my power toward the dark side.

  The green lifted a wing to protect its face and swung upward, flashing eight inch long claws toward Glynus’ snout. She dropped ten feet, sending my stomach into my esophagus, and rolled, ripping several long gashes into the green’s belly and dropping away before it could retaliate. I sent a power arrow into the green’s brain as it faltered and watched it plummet toward the ground below.

  Several sonic booms alerted me to the arrival of Dialle and his forces.

  As Glynus headed toward our next victim I searched the sky, looking for Dialle. I found my sexy royal not too far away, riding a massive white dragon and already engaged in battle with one of Satan’s finest. He turned as Glynus and I approached to take on a second green that was trying to double-team Dialle and his white.

  Hey! I said to him.

  He turned a gorgeous smile on me. Hello, my love.

  Thanks for coming to help.

  His chuckle turned my insides to mush and sent my nether regions to throbbin’. It’s not like you gave me much choice, Astra. His grin widened. Besides, there’s always fun and ex
citement around you.

  There is, isn’t there? I returned his smile.

  Look out!

  I ducked at Slayer’s warning and barely missed becoming a halfling toasty as a red eyed green rose up on the other side of Glynus and took a shot at me. I’ll see you later?

  Just try to avoid me. Dialle responded.

  Glynus and I swung hard right to take on the newcomer, my body thrumming with pleasure and anticipation of time with my gorgeous royal. The promise of his touch carried me through the next two hours, until the last of the greens dumped its rider and surged through the hole in the barrier to join its friends.

  A huge cheer went up all along the range as the assembled warriors, angels, and extractors realized the battle was won.

  Astra Q Phelps one, Satan zero.

  I closed my eyes and sighed as Dialle shifted onto Glynus behind me.

  Merry Christmas, my love.

  Right back atcha, bud. I leaned into him, thinking maybe I wouldn’t have an entry for the Shitty Day book after all.

  ~SC~

  I collapsed onto the divan in Dialle’s office. The battle had been long and hard and I was exhausted. And stinky. I was covered in soot, blood, and dragon gore. I needed to clean up but was far too weary to move. Dialle had popped out to deal with some residual problems on the Court. The new halfling apparently didn’t like his lowly status in the hierarchy. Dialle had gone to give him his options.

  Option 1, learn to like his status.

  Option 2, die.

  I was pretty sure I knew which option the halfling would take. I was a little surprised Dialle hadn’t zapped him already and took a moment to appreciate his restraint.

  The air shimmered and I sucked in a breath as a very round figure dressed in red and white, with a bulbous, red nose, popped into the room, accompanied by the sound of bells.

  I recognized those bells.

  “Hey, Santa.”

  The jolly elf grinned, showing me large, straight white teeth under a dense, white mustache. “Astra Q Phelps.” He lifted a pudgy hand to show me a short section of scroll. “I wanted to let you know that I’ve made some changes to my “nice and naughty” list. I peered at the scrap of scroll. My name was crossed off the “coal” list and placed back under the “gift” list where it belonged.