Return to Bluebell Hill

by Rebecca Pugh

  ‘Shall we head back?’ Jessica asked quietly, still feeling wobbly, like a new-born foal learning how to walk, testing its legs out for the first time.

  Rueben nodded. ‘Come on. I’ll lead us out.’ Before he turned to walk away, he smiled at her, and Jessica felt her heart melt at the sight of it. Even after being told they couldn’t and wouldn’t be anything more than what they’d already become, he was still able to smile at her and she adored him for that. This was the right decision to make. She’d only make it harder for them both if she allowed anything else to happen and things were already difficult enough. And besides, what man would want a woman who would never be sure if his feelings were true or not? How would she ever know? Her parents were supposed to have loved her, and look at how that had turned out. A bitter, nasty, sharp ending. She wasn’t able to have a normal relationship with a man, probably never would be able to. Her excuse would remain the same though. She’d tell Rueben that it was because they were friends and she didn’t want to ruin what they had, she’d tell him that it was because she’d be leaving soon so there was no point. But what it really boiled down to was that she couldn’t be in a relationship. Perhaps physically but never emotionally.

  ***

  ‘We kissed.’ Silence greeted Jessica as she held the phone to her ear and waited for Sarah’s reaction.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘What do you think I mean?’ Jessica began to massage her temples as the reality of what she’d done in the bluebell woods began to creep in. ‘We kissed. Me and Rueben.’

  Sarah whistled down the line. ‘Proud of ya’, Jess.’

  ‘No,’ Jessica groaned. ‘Don’t be proud of me, Sar. I shouldn’t have done it. It wasn’t supposed to happen, it wasn’t part of the plan.’ Even as she said the words, she knew that whether it had been part of her plan or not, she’d enjoyed it immensely. When Rueben’s lips had touched hers, he’d set something alight inside of her. She couldn’t get the image of their embrace beside the bluebells out of her damn mind and it was driving her insane. ‘We’re supposed to be friends, Sar. Nothing more than that.’

  ‘You’re beginning to bore me with this “friend” malarkey, Jess. Seriously, will you get a grip of yourself?’

  Jessica baulked at the cheek of her. ‘Excuse me?’ She knew that Sarah was the type of woman who liked to express her opinion and never minced her words, but that was taking it a bit too far. ‘I have a very good grip of myself, thanks very much,’ she barked back. ‘I don’t even know why I thought it would be a good idea to tell you.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Sarah sighed eventually. ‘I just… I just don’t understand why you’re holding yourself back from him. Who initiated the kiss?’

  The memory of Rueben’s fingers lifting up her chin flickered across her mind and sent a shiver down her spine. ‘I can’t really remember. It all seems a bit foggy at the moment. It happened pretty quickly and—‘

  ‘Jess, stop with the rambling. Can you just… Can you just tell me again why you’re not allowing anything to happen?’

  She let out an audible, frustrated sigh to let Sarah know she wasn’t happy about going over it for the millionth time. ‘Firstly, I’m only here while I sort out Bluebell House, and then I’m gone. Secondly, we’re friends. Nothing more than that.’

  ‘I’m calling bullshit,’ Sarah cut in. ‘I don’t believe either of those reasons. You and I both know that the real reason behind your hesitation is all down to your parents. Am I right?’

  Jessica swallowed. ‘Maybe.’

  ‘No, not maybe. I’m definitely right.’

  Jessica glared at the kitchen wall. ‘This case is now closed.’

  ‘This case is not closed at all,’ Sarah barked. ‘Jessica please, just for a second, listen to me. Have you thought about the sex? Have you?’

  Yes. Yes, she had. She’d imagined it quite frequently, and it was beginning to become frustrating. The images in her mind were vivid and recurrent and, she hated to admit it to herself, a complete turn-on, too. He said he couldn’t wait to get his hands on her. She shivered at the thought of what he’d do if ever did. Not that he would, obviously. Her imagination was going wild, running away with her completely. She needed to get a hold of herself. She was a grown woman. She was totally capable of keeping her brain and body in check. ‘No, I haven’t thought about the sex, and there’s no need to think about it, because there isn’t going to be any sex. Ever. I’ve already told you why, and I’m not going to tell you again, because I feel like I’m just going round and round in circles by repeatedly explaining it to you!’

  ‘How do you know there won’t be sex?’ Sarah asked. ‘How do you know that he won’t just sweep you off your feet one day when you’re least expecting it? What would you do, huh? Back away and say no? Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘I just know, okay?’ She snapped as she pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. ‘Look, Sarah, this isn’t a fairy-tale. I have serious things to sort out down here, and having Rueben undress me might sound tempting, but I just can’t deal with it at the same time as all the other stuff. Perhaps if we’d met in different circumstances, things could have been different. But right now, I need a friend more than a lover. And he actually makes a perfect friend, he’s fantastic. I don’t want to ruin that.’

  Sarah sighed. ‘I just wish you’d let yourself enjoy something.’

  ‘I am. I’m enjoying his friendship. He’s been a great support while I’ve been here, and that’s perfect as it is. I don’t want or need anything more. Can we talk about something else? How’s Luke? How’s work? Have I told you about the estate agent?’

  She couldn’t sleep that night. Her mind kept returning to the kiss in the bluebell woods, the pressure of Rueben’s fingers on her waist, his lips against her lips. In the darkness of the bedroom, she touched her lips with her fingertips and closed her eyes as she relived the sensation. They tingled from the memory. If that was what his kisses were capable of, she didn’t even want to imagine how taking it further would make her feel. But that was out of the question. She snatched her fingers away from her mouth and turned over in the bed quickly, ramming her head beneath the pillow, attempting to block out all further thoughts of Rueben and his kiss. It didn’t work. The kiss stayed with her right the way through the night, and when she woke up the next morning, too.

  ***

  The next morning, Esme rang to inform her that she and Jane were going out for the day, and she wasn’t sure what time they’d be returning to Bluebell Hill. ‘You’ll be all right, won’t you, Jessica dear?’

  Twirling the telephone cord around her finger, Jessica rolled her eyes at the worry in Esme’s voice. ‘Esme, come on. I’m a big girl, I can look after myself. You go and have fun with your friend, Jane, and I can’t wait to hear all about it once you’re back. You both deserve some fun. Don’t worry about me. At all. Bye for now!’

  Jessica lingered in the hallway for a second before deciding on a cup of coffee. After that, she’d drag a pile of boxes up the stairs to start on yet another room. The coffee didn’t seem to last as long as usual and whilst sat out on the porch and blinking in the bright, early morning sunshine, she found her eyes flicking up repeatedly towards the shed and the flowerbeds, searching for Rueben. She wondered if he’d avoid her after their kiss in the woods the day before and how she’d reacted. Was he angry with her for not being able to commit to anything more? She hoped not. She loved his company. The thought of him avoiding her twisted her insides up into a complete mess and she hated how it felt. In the end, she dumped the empty cup in the dishwasher and ventured up the stairs, heading towards her childhood bedroom.

  She hadn’t stepped foot in there since arriving at Bluebell House. She supposed she’d been avoiding it until she could avoid it no longer. She deposited the pile of boxes beside the white glossed door. She placed her hand on the doorknob, twisted it, and stepped inside.

  She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, perhaps she’d thoug
ht that her parents would have removed her belongings and turned it into a second study or something along those lines, after she’d left for London. But as she stepped further into the room with its pastel lilac walls and white, fluffy carpet, she realised that they hadn’t changed a thing. It was, pretty much, exactly as she’d left it. The dressing table sat still, silent and empty against the wall, empty of the make-up and perfume that had once been scattered across the surface. Her bookcase still housed the colourful spines of the paperbacks that she’d read, although now covered in dust due to being untouched for such a long amount of time. She walked towards the bookshelf and stroked her fingers along the spines, smiling as she did so. Then, she turned her attention back towards the dressing table and sat down on the wooden seat.

  She studied herself for a moment in the round, oak-framed mirror. The edges that had once been covered with stickers now appeared clear and tidy. As she watched herself, it struck her that the last time she’d been sat in that same position had been after she’d packed her case and was getting ready to leave for London.

  She glanced at the drawers of the dressing table, wondering whether the belongings that she’d long since forgotten about were still hidden away inside. She tugged open the top drawer to find a pile of notebooks and a pencil case from her school days. The second drawer was empty. When she opened the third drawer, her eyes landed on a Mother’s Day card. She bent forward to take it out. Her fingernails scratched against the years-old glitter that decorated the front. She eyed the card with trepidation, unsure of whether she wanted to open it. In the end, of course she did.

  Happy Mother’s Day, Mummy!

  I hope you have a great day. And eat some Mother’s Day cake. I have made you one downstairs. It is pink and Nanny Esme put flowers on the top too. I got flowers from the garden. Nanny Esme said I could get them for you, because it is a special day so I did. They are pink and red and white. I think you will like them. I hope you like your presents Mummy. And have three slices of cake! Esme said that you will love it because I made it. I put more sugar in than Nanny Esme said, but it’s okay. It makes it taste nicer.

  Love from Jessica!

  Her shoulders shook as she cried silently. What made it worse was that the cake which she’d referred to in the card had been left to go hard and inedible on the kitchen side, and the flowers had wilted in their vase. She had never understood why her parents had seemed so cold and so unloving towards her. When she’d been small, the absence of them hadn’t seemed to make her angry and bitter, but rather eager to see them, to grab their attention in other ways, to make them love her. As she’d grown older though, the anger and bitterness had slowly seeped in, taking over the eagerness to see them. She’d stormed around the house, given Esme hell, screamed and shouted at her nanny to get out and leave her alone, declaring that she hated her and didn’t need Esme to look after her. It had all been to get her parents’ attention. It hadn’t worked. She didn’t know which had been worse when she thought about it now. The desperate little girl, or the savage, harsh teenager. Either way, she’d left as soon as she’d been able to, turning her back on it all.

  Jessica stared down at the open card in her hands, traced the writing with her fingertip, and watched as a single tear fell from her cheek and landed onto the card, a small blob of water that ran down and dropped off the edge to finally land on the carpet.

  What had happened between them? Why had they found it so easy to stay away from their daughter? To hand Jessica over to Esme like a toy? With a sad sigh, she stood from the dressing table and began the packing. She’d never be able to have her questions answered now. It was too late. She placed the Mother’s Day card into a box that she’d marked as ‘keep’ and carried on, shoulders pulled back, chin held high.

  It was going to be okay. Just a couple more rooms to go and then she’d be free of Bluebell House and all of the bittersweet memories that came with it. She couldn’t wait to get out of there and back to London. The day of her departure couldn’t roll around quick enough.

  Chapter Nine

  With yet another pile of boxes beside the front door, most of the items inside destined for the skip as they were no longer of any use to her, Jessica heaved the last one down and wiped her hands clean on her jeans. Just as she was about to have a rummage in the fridge for something yummy to have for lunch as she could feel her stomach rumbling beneath her t-shirt, she spotted Rueben through the window, strolling across the grass with a lawn-mower rolling along behind him. She chewed her lip as she tried to decide whether she should go out there and say hello, or just continue as if he wasn’t there. She gave the second option some serious consideration, but eventually reached the conclusion that she wouldn’t be able to ignore him, no matter how hard she tried. He wasn’t the type of person you could ignore. The fact that he was even there had her feeling hopeful. Perhaps he wouldn’t try to avoid her after all. So, instead of hiding away in Bluebell House, she made two coffees and stepped out onto the porch, wondering how best to get his attention.

  ‘Rueben!’ she shouted as she placed the cups onto the table beside her and waited for the moment when he’d turn around and grace her with his despicable good looks. She shielded her eyes from the sun as she watched him from across the garden. He didn’t look as if he’d heard her, so she shouted him again. ‘Rueben!’ Again, he didn’t seem to hear her, so she tugged her thin cardigan around herself tightly and began to walk across the grass towards him. As she approached, she noticed the headphone wires dangling from his ears and felt foolish. That’s why he hadn’t heard her, then. At least she knew that he wasn’t ignoring her on purpose, so that was something. His body was turned away from her slightly, and apparently he still hadn’t noticed her. Jessica leant to the side slightly to try and catch his attention, wondering how much closer she could get without him realising that she was there. She performed a little wave and plastered a stupid smile on her face, bobbing about beside him like a duck on water.

  ‘Oh!’ Rueben tugged his earphones out and smiled warmly as their eyes met. He looked genuinely surprised to find her there, thankfully.

  ‘Hi!’ She sounded overly bright, but she couldn’t help worrying that she was the reason he’d brought along headphones that day. Was he trying to drown her out? He didn’t seem to be acting cold towards her or distant. Maybe listening to music while he worked was something that he normally did, and she just hadn’t noticed it before. She crossed her fingers behind her back. ‘I was calling you for ages from the porch,’ she explained. She felt like she was bugging him, getting on his nerves, which was ridiculous. ‘I didn’t realise that you were wearing headphones.’ She shrugged and laughed lightly. Did she sound like a stalker? She hoped not. She looked down at the grass and brushed her right shoe backwards and forwards across it.

  ‘Sorry, Jess! I bring them to drown out the sound of the mower. It gives me a headache if I don’t have them in.’ He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck.

  Jessica looked around the garden. Okay, something was definitely up. Normally, he had heaps of things to say and talk about. Sometimes, she found it difficult to get a word in edgeways. The whole rubbing of the back of his neck made him appear nervous and awkward. This is why she shouldn’t have kissed him. Because things get weird and friendships fall apart. She had known this would happen. Known right from the start. Her heart clenched as she looked up at him. Had she ruined it already? ‘I’ve made you a coffee!’ she offered brightly, waving her hand towards the porch. ‘Fancy joining me?’ She waited eagerly for his reply, praying that he’d say yes.

  Rueben blinked at her in the sunlight, until finally he nodded. It took longer than usual. Normally he jumped at the chance to sit with her. ‘Sure, why not?’ Shrugging, he removed the headphones from his ears and shoved them into his jeans pocket.

  They walked across the grass together in silence. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his hoodie. Hers were clasped across her front.

  Once sat down, Jessica
pulled her courage together. She couldn’t stand whatever was sitting between them. She hated it. ‘What’s up?’ she asked, staring into her cup. ‘You seem off with me, after yesterday…’

  Rueben looked up curiously. ‘I’m not off with you, Jess. I promise. I’m just trying to figure out what’s keeping you from me.’ He rubbed his stubbled chin thoughtfully as he regarded her. His eyes never strayed from hers.

  She frowned. Here we go again. How many times was she going to have to explain this to people? ‘What’s keeping me from you is exactly what’s happening right now, Rueben. Our friendship is now weird and it’s all because we kissed in the bluebell woods. I knew things would go like this. You want more from me, and I can’t give you more. I’m sorry. I truly am. If we’d met somewhere else, away from here, then I’m not afraid to admit that I’d be more than happy to see where things went with us. But now, while all this is going on with the house, it’s just difficult. Surely you understand that? I can’t do anything more than friendship with you, Rueben. I just can’t.’

  ‘But you’d like to?’ he queried with his head cocked to the side. ‘Wouldn’t you?’ His eyes searched hers for an answer. He already knew the answer, though. Of course he did. They both knew it.

  She blushed and took a sip of coffee. ‘That’s beside the point, Rueben. Look, I don’t want to lose what we have. You’ve been amazing since I arrived. You really have. I love having you around.’

  He smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. ‘I love having you around too. I’ll be sad when you go.’

  Jessica swallowed the lump in her throat. ‘If we were to be anything more, it would make leaving ten times worse, and I don’t want it to be that way. It took a lot for me to return to Bluebell Hill. I want to leave and not look back.’

  Rueben frowned. ‘What about Esme? What about me? Okay, let’s say nothing did happen between us, but even if we remained as just friends, would you still walk away and not look back? Do you do that to all of your friends, Jessica? Just forget about them, as if they mean nothing at all to you?’ The pain in his expression was obvious.