Return to Bluebell Hill

by Rebecca Pugh

  What she wanted to do, more than anything, was speak to Helen again. She felt comforted by the fact that her number was tucked away in her bag, and there and then, as she rinsed the shampoo from her hair, she decided that she would. The woman had suffered enough, and Jessica realised that she wouldn’t ever be able to hold what had happened all those years against Helen. She couldn’t change the past, no matter how much she would have liked to. The only thing to do was to move forward, and she really didn’t mind if Helen was moving alongside her, too.

  ***

  ‘Bloody hell,’ was all that Sarah could think to say once Jessica had relayed the day’s events to her. ‘Poor Helen.’

  Jessica was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling above. ‘I know.’

  ‘Do you think you’ll speak to her again?’

  ‘I think I’d like to,’ Jessica replied. She propped herself up on her elbow and looked at Sarah through the doorway that separated their rooms. ‘What do you think?’

  Sarah smiled kindly. ‘I think it’s a decision that you need to make for yourself, Jess. It’s a big thing. A hell of a lot happened back then. It’s tragic when you think about it. But in the end, wasn’t Helen just doing what she thought was right? She left you alone in a park and walked away from you. She knew she couldn’t continue to look after you. It could have gotten worse. Much, much worse than leaving you alone in a park.’

  Jessica chewed the inside of her lip. Sarah was right. Helen had made that decision to ensure that her daughter would be looked after and taken care of. It had been for Jessica’s safety. Who knows what could have happened if Helen had continued to get worse and she had still been in her birth mother’s care.

  ‘I have her number.’ Jessica rolled over and grabbed her bag from off the floor. ‘Do you think I should see her again, before we fly back?’

  Sarah, just about to close bathroom door behind herself, paused and looked over her shoulder. ‘Like I said, Jess. It’s up to you. It’s only your decision to make. No one else can make it for you. Be back in ten.’ The door clicked shut.

  Jessica stared at Helen’s number. She stood and wandered through to the balcony. Pushing open the doors, she stepped out into the crisp evening air of Paris and looked out across the tops of the opposite buildings. Sarah, as always, was right. No one else would be able to make this decision for her. It was her, and her alone. She breathed in the air deeply and returned inside. She rooted for her phone in her bag and sat down on the edge of her bed as it rang.

  ‘Hello?’ A tired voice asked.

  ‘Hello, Helen. It’s me. Jessica.’

  ‘Oh, Jessica!’ Helen’s voice perked up immediately when she realised who it was. ‘I… I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.’

  Jessica smiled. ‘Well, I’ve had a think, and I’d like to see you again before I fly back home.’ She heard a strange muffled sound down the line. ‘Helen? Are you still there?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I’m still here. I’m sorry, it’s just—’ A sob escaped. ‘I didn’t expect to ever hear from you again, least of all have you say that you want to see me again.’

  Jessica closed her eyes as she spoke. ‘It sounds ridiculous, but it wasn’t a hard decision to make. I’ll be flying back to London on Monday. Who knows how long it will be before we meet again. I figured I should make the most of it while I’m here.’

  ‘Only if you’re certain that it’s what you want? I don’t want you to feel like you have to. I’ve been out of your life for such a long time now, Jessica. I understand if it’s difficult to let me back in.’

  Jessica swallowed and shook her head, despite Helen not be able to see her. ‘No. It’s okay. I’ve made my decision. So, where shall we meet?’

  After jotting down the details, Jessica said goodbye to Helen and placed the phone back down onto the bed. She jumped when she heard Sarah’s voice and found her leaning up against the doorway with a towel wrapped around her wet hair.

  ‘Where and when?’ was all Sarah asked, with a smile on her make-up free face.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Jessica arrived at the restaurant the next afternoon, clutching the piece of paper which she’d scribbled the details down on as Helen had spoken on the phone the evening before.

  Crossing the busy road quickly as soon as there was a break in the traffic, Jessica studied the establishment as she approached in awe. It was beautiful, classic and elegant and far too expensive for her, she realised in dismay. As she shortened the distance between herself and the restaurant, her eyes widened at the beauty of the place. For some bizarre reason, it made her think of Esme, all the way back in Bluebell Hill. She knew that Esme would love to visit a place like this. It would suit her love of bright, pretty flowers down to the ground. The front exterior of the building was absolutely covered in vivid, sweet-scented wild flowers, cascading out and over the hanging baskets which were dotted along the bright white walls. A large red and gold striped awning stretched out from the front of the building, shading the entrance. Lanterns, black and gold, hung either side of the awning. She could only image what it was like inside.

  ‘Hello, Jessica.’

  Jessica turned to find Helen stood just behind her, dressed stylishly in cream, tailored trousers and a silky, blossom-pink blouse. She wore a faded green patterned scarf around her neck, and a stylish bag was nestled in the crook of her arm. She smiled as she looked at Jessica.

  ‘Hello, Helen.’

  Both women stood awkwardly for a moment, neither of them sure of how best to greet each other, given the circumstances. A hug seemed too forward, but a polite ‘hello’ didn’t seem enough. In the end, Helen let out a small laugh at the way they acted towards each other and stepped forward to lead the way into the restaurant. Jessica followed, wondering how on earth she was going to afford anything off the restaurant’s menu. She felt far too underdressed, too. She wished Helen had told her that they were meeting at a place as luxurious as this one. She definitely would have made much more of an effort. Still, as she passed one of the many windows, she eyed her reflection nervously and realised she didn’t look too bad after all. She’d dressed that morning in a red and white sundress, with white wedge heeled sandals. The weather was warm, but she’d chosen to add a thin cardigan to the outfit, just as a little extra.

  As they stepped into the restaurant, they were greeted by a handsome maitre’d who politely took them to their seats. The dining room looked more like a small ballroom, peaches, pinks and creams used in every space possible. Thick marble pillars were dotted about the place, and chandeliers with glass crystals hung were suspended from above.

  ‘Wow,’ Jessica commented as a waiter took her cardigan and disappeared once he’d taken Helen’s scarf, too. ‘This place is amazing, isn’t it? Fit for royalty, I’d say.’

  Helen nodded with satisfaction. ‘I’m so glad you think so, Jessica. It’s one of my favourite places to dine. Take a look at the menu, see what you fancy. There’s a ton to choose from. If you don’t know what anything is, let me know and I’ll try and explain it in the best way that I can for you. It’s a bit of select menu, if you know what I mean.’

  Jessica eyed the pristine menu. ‘Helen, I’m not sure I can afford—’

  ‘Oh, hush now. This is my treat. It’s the least I can do.’ Helen reached a hand towards Jessica’s and gave it a squeeze. ‘But not in any way do I think that this makes up for all that I’ve missed out on. I just want you to know that.’

  Jessica smiled and gently pulled her hand away. ‘I know.’

  In the end, they dined on caviar, which Helen insisted upon. Accompanied by fresh, green salad, which had been sprinkled with zesty lemon juice, the meal was utterly delicious. It was followed by an incredibly rich slice of chocolate gateau, peppered with light spices. When Helen had suggested it, Jessica had pulled a face, but once she’d savoured a forkful, and the tastes had mingled together, she’d groaned with pleasure and finished it off completely, licking the fork completely clean when she w
as sure that nobody was looking.

  ‘I’m really glad we’ve had this time together, Jessica, before you go back to London. You really don’t know how much it means to me to see you again. I can hardly believe that you’re sitting opposite me right now. I thought I’d never see the day. I do hope that we can do it again one day. I’d like for us to try and be part of each other’s lives, if it’s okay with you of course. I don’t want to force you into anything that you’re not ready for. I completely understand that it’s a big step for you to take. You hardly know me, but I’d like for that to change, if it possibly can.’

  Over lunch, Helen had recalled some more of her past to Jessica. She’d come to Paris to find herself. Helen had decided it was time for a fresh start. Not to forget about Jessica, but to bring herself back to life. Moving to the place she had lived since then had been the best move she’d ever made. The city had refused to let her dwindle into nothing. She’d fallen into step beside the Parisian people and found that she loved it. The history she had been surrounded by, the culture and art, had relit her senses and rekindled her wonder in the world and all it held. The sun had danced upon her skin, skin that hadn’t seen sunlight like it for years, and she’d spent many a day sat beside the river, watching the currents skipping and changing in the water below. ‘Not once did I forget about you though,’ Helen had quickly reassured Jessica right at very end of her speech. ‘Not once did you ever leave my thoughts.’

  ‘I don’t imagine I did,’ Jessica had replied, smiling into Helen’s eyes. She couldn’t believe that Helen had ever had a bad bone in her body. There wasn’t something about her, something truly good and warm, and Jessica felt close to her even though they’d only met for the first time the day before. She could see herself in Helen, as strange as it sounded. There were similarities between them, and it filled Jessica with a new found love to know that there was someone else in the world who was linked to her through blood. It made her feel so much less alone, too, and it was a feeling that she welcomed with open arms.

  They parted on good terms in the end, swapping email addresses and promising to speak soon and keep in touch with each other. Jessica had to blink away the tears as she’d walked away from Helen, feeling like she’d just opened a brand new chapter in her life. Although emotional, she had a very good feeling about what lay ahead for herself and Helen, and she couldn’t wait to see what the future had in store for them.

  ***

  ‘I don’t want to go home,’ Sarah whined that night as she threw herself onto the bed in their hotel room with a loud, exaggerated sigh. ‘Paris is far too beautiful to leave behind. I want to stay here forever and ever. London just seems dismal and boring in comparison. So dull and nowhere near as exciting. I might just stay here. Hide in the dresser, sneak out during the day, have crazy adventures.’

  Jessica, propped up against her pillows, turned to the next page of the book that she was reading. A romance book, of course. She was trying not to imagine Rueben as the hunky hero, but whenever the hero made an appearance in the story, Rueben’s face and body popped into her mind and she couldn’t do a single thing to stop it. She shook away the thought. ‘If you love it so much, we can always come back one day.’ She peeped over the top of the book to gauge Sarah’s reaction to her words. ‘I mean, perhaps if Helen and I continue to chat and become close over time, maybe I’ll need to come back anyway, to visit her. And you can come with me. You can be my travel companion.’

  Sarah’s frustrated grimace at having to leave Paris was swiftly replaced by a wide grin. ‘You’re totally right!’ Jessica smirked and returned to her reading, until Sarah piped up again. ‘So, what’s the verdict on Helen, then? Is anything going to happen between you two? Can you see a future mother/daughter relationship happening? Or is it too early to tell?’

  Jessica closed the book and laid it down on her lap. ‘I think it’s far, far too soon to say what will happen between us, but I hope that things continue to go as nicely as they have been while we’ve been here in Paris. It would be lovely if, in the future, we have some sort of relationship. I think it might take a while to get to that point though. We’ve talked a lot, but there’s so much more that we need to discuss. I like her though, Sarah. I like her a lot. She reminds me of myself in some ways, although that sounds odd, doesn’t it? Still, there were a few times today when she chattering away, where I looked at her, and I had the weird sensation that I was looking at myself, just a bit older. I hope you can meet one day in the future. I think you’d get along like a house on fire.’

  Sarah beamed, her face propped up by her hands as she looked through the doorway. ‘You found your birth mother, Jessica. You actually found her. Here. In Paris. I’m so pleased for you.’

  Jessica returned the smile and picked the book back up. ‘It’s just Bluebell House left to deal with now. Get that sorted out and I can finally get myself back to normal.’

  ***

  They arrived at Charles De Gaulle airport early the next morning, coffee in one hand, suitcases in the other. It was just as busy as it had been when they’d arrived. With a last glance over their shoulders at Paris, Sarah pulled a sad face.

  ‘Bye-bye, Paris,’ she whispered as she hooked her arm through Jessica’s. ‘I’m so sad to be leaving it behind. But I have a feeling we’ll be back one day. Sooner than you think, Jessica.’

  ‘Come on, you. We’ve done what we came to do. Back home to London, now. However ghastly that may seem.’

  Once boarded and seated on the plane, Jessica laid her head back against the seat and sighed.

  ‘What’s that for?’ Sarah asked, flicking through the pages of her magazine. ‘Was it a happy or sad sigh?’

  Without opening her eyes, Jessica said, ‘A happy sigh. Definitely a happy sigh.’

  ‘Good.’ Sarah carried on reading her magazine.

  ***

  Back on London ground, the women parted ways. Sarah wanted to rush back to see Luke, and Jessica, having booked the day off work, wanted to crawl into bed, watch films and drink hot chocolate. Her legs ached, and once inside her apartment, she ran a bath and soaked herself in the hot bubbly water for much longer than necessary. She ate dinner, curled up on the sofa and decided, before she got too comfy, to ring Esme and update her old friend on all that had happened while she’d been gone.

  ‘Hi, Esme. It’s Jessica.’

  ‘Oh, Jessica, dear! How wonderful to hear from you. I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in ages. How is everything? How are you? How was Paris?’

  ‘It was great, actually. Guess what?’

  Esme gasped. ‘What?’

  ‘I found her.’ A flutter of butterflies escaped into her stomach as she thought back over her and Sarah’s long weekend in Paris. ‘I found Helen Parker.’

  A few seconds of silence elapsed. ‘You found her?’ Esme whispered. ‘Your birth mother?’

  ‘Yes. I found her, Esme. At the address that had been on the postcards. I found her. I met her. I asked her my questions. I know it all, Esme. Everything. What happened, why I ended up with the McAdams at Bluebell House. I don’t feel so lost now. I know the reasons. I know my birth mother.’

  ‘Jessica, that’s fantastic. I can’t believe you found her. How marvellous!’ Esme laughed cheerfully down the phone. ‘So, what will happen next? Will you stay in contact?’

  Jessica told Esme of how she had found the apartment and sat with Helen. How she’d been told everything about what happened all those years ago. ‘And there’s so much more, too, Esme. But, she never forgot about me. She said I was always there in her thoughts. And I feel like that’s the most important thing of all. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I have a proper place in the world now. I have a mother. We may not know each other as well as we should just yet, but I’m looking forward to getting to know her better.’

  ‘She wouldn’t have been able to forget about you, Jessica McAdams,’ Esme tittered. ‘You’re a very special girl. You stay in everyone’s memory. I’m sure you
’re in a certain young man’s thoughts at the moment, too.’

  Jessica stilled. ‘What do you mean?’ Was Esme talking about Rueben?

  Esme laughed lightly. ‘I think you know exactly what I mean. Rueben’s been walking around like a lost lamb since you left. He misses you terribly, dear. He doesn’t seem himself at all. It’s sad really. I feel like I haven’t seen him laugh or smile in such a long time.’

  A dull thud fell within Jessica’s chest as she listened to Esme’s description of him. It didn’t sound like the Rueben she knew so well. Very well, as it happened. Urgh. She missed him, too. She missed him terribly as it happened. ‘I haven’t even been gone that long, Esme!’ She laughed, a little loudly, but it died down seconds after beginning. It really wasn’t all that funny.

  ‘Well, to look at him, you’d think you’d been gone for years.’

  Sadly, Jessica remembered their kiss in the bluebell woods and suddenly longed for Rueben’s touch, his lips and hands and embraces. ‘How are you?’ she asked Esme, eager to change the subject. Speaking about Rueben was not how she wanted to spend her evening. She’d only wind herself up and she didn’t need that as well as Bluebell House on her mind.

  Esme rattled off all of the things that she’d been up to. Pottering about in the garden, visits to Jane, a day out to the market in the next town over. Once she had finished, she paused and then asked, ‘Will you be coming back, Jessica? We all miss you terribly, dear. It would be lovely if you chose to come and visit soon. You’re always welcome at the cottage. You wouldn’t even need to ask to stay.’

  ‘I know, Esme, and thank you for the invitation, but I think it will be a while until I decide to come back to Bluebell Hill. I need to focus on work for a while now, I think. Get my head down, muddle through everything that’s happened. A lot has gone on, and even though I may sound okay on the phone, I’m still rather bewildered by it all.’