Return to Bluebell Hill

by Rebecca Pugh

  It was true. She was. She’d gone from attending her parents’ funeral to unearthing postcards, a wristband and a baby box, to travelling to Paris to find her birth mother. It was still, even after speaking to Helen in person, completely surreal. It would take some time to sink in, she guessed.

  ‘I understand, dear. I understand completely. You’ve been through a lot. Just know that Rueben and I are always here for you. Perhaps you should let him know you’re okay. I’ll tell him myself next I see him, of course. But I think it would be nice to hear it from you. Don’t you think so, dear?’

  The television flickered over at the opposite end of the room, and Jessica watched the drama on a daily soap unfold in silence. ‘I will,’ she said. ‘I’ll let him know. Don’t worry.’

  ‘He’ll be thrilled to hear from you.’

  ‘Esme, I need to go now. I have work tomorrow so it’s an early night for me. You take care of yourself and I’ll speak to you soon, okay?’

  ‘Okay, Jessica. Goodnight and sweet dreams. And Jessica?’

  ‘Yes, Esme?’

  ‘I’m really very happy for you. I’m glad you found her. I truly am.’

  ‘Thank you, Esme. I knew you would be. Bye for now.’

  Ending the call, she tapped her nails on the keys of the phone and wondered what she would say to Rueben if she were to ring him. A polite hello? An update on everything that had happened since she’d last seen him? But what if he wanted an explanation for her reply to his text before Paris? What if he was angry with her because of it? Would he be? She reckoned he’d be sad if anything. A bit like how she felt about the whole situation. But if he were angry, she couldn’t really blame him.

  ***

  The phone rang, and Rueben picked up immediately. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hi, Rueben. It’s me. Jessica.’

  The line crackled. ‘Jessica? What do you want?’

  She gulped. He was angry. In fact, he sounded really angry. His voice was sharp, any friendliness that had once been present was long gone. ‘I… I just thought I’d give you a call and see how you are.’

  ‘Well, I’m busy right now, but I’m great, thanks.’

  It was completely obvious that he wasn’t great but she didn’t feel like she should point it out. ‘Good. I’m glad. So, I went to Paris, to find my birth mother.’

  ‘Oh?’ Not so angry this time.

  ‘Yes, and I found her. We’ve spoken. I know all about how I came to be at Bluebell House. It’s a bit of a long story…’

  ‘Yeah, well, like I said. I’m busy, so I haven’t really got time. Was there anything else you wanted because I need to go?’

  As Jessica went to open her mouth, she heard what sounded like a female giggle in the background. She snapped it shut again. He had another woman there? An ache appeared in her chest. ‘No, nothing else. See you, Rueben.’ She didn’t give him chance to reply. She ended the call briskly and launched her phone to the other end of the sofa. How stupid was she to have thought he wanted to hear from her? Of course he didn’t. That text she had sent must have made his mind up for him. And who was the giggling female?

  The more she sat there stewing over it, the more she wanted to scream in frustration. The thought of some other woman getting her hands on Rueben made her skin crawl. She hated the image that had made its way into her mind, some female with her hands all over his chest and his hair, the same way hers had been. She rubbed at her eyes and tried to block the image out but it refused to leave, taunting her, laughing at her. Well, it was her own fault, wasn’t it? She thought to herself crossly and she unmuted the TV and went to make a cup of tea. She’d told him, plain and simple, to forget about her, and it appeared that that was exactly what he had done. As the kettle boiled and she stirred milk and sugar into the mug, she stared at her reflection in the window, and asked herself silently, what have I done?

  Chapter Seventeen

  As the weeks passed by, filled with long days at work, working out at the gym and a few nights out with Sarah, Jessica felt the weight of Bluebell House laying heavy on her shoulders. The estate agent still hadn’t been in touch, despite promising to ring once Jessica was back in the UK.

  Later in the afternoon, just as she was heading back to her desk after eating lunch, her phone rang and Deb’s number flashed on the screen. About time, she thought to herself as she hit the answer button.

  ‘Deb, great to hear from you!’ Jessica settled back into her chair and waited eagerly to hear what the woman had to say.

  ‘Hello, Miss McAdams. I am so sorry for such a delay in getting back to you. The business has been so busy just lately, and I feel like I’ve lost my marbles. I’m constantly chasing my tail!’ She laughed. ‘Anyway, everything has finally calmed down and I’m chuffed to be ringing you in regards to a family with a keen interest in Bluebell House. We’ve found a family who are desperate to get their hands on the place, and when I say desperate, I mean desperate. In fact, I’ve never seen desperation like it. Family of four, they are, with a little one on the way. What’s fantastic is that they are offering the asking price, and more. They love the land that the house is surrounded by, the village itself, and the house. I sent a few extra pictures their way, ones that weren’t on the site, and they seem to be utterly delighted with them. I was wondering, in terms of viewing the house, would you be able to come back to Bluebell Hill and show them around? Or, if this won’t work for you, then I’ll happily do it for you and keep you up to date with the progress. What do you think?’

  Nibbling her lip anxiously, Jessica tried to quickly figure out what to do. She couldn’t go back to Bluebell Hill now. She just couldn’t. She had so much to do in the next couple of weeks and she couldn’t afford to take any more time off work. What about Esme? Would she show the potential buyers around Bluebell House for her, on Jessica’s behalf? She tapped her nails on the desk and wondered, considering it as Deb waited for a reply on the other end of the phone. ‘Deb, is there any chance I’d be able to get back to you? I need to ring a friend, see if she’ll be able to help with the viewing. She’s a Bluebell Hill resident and she has a history with the house so she’d be the perfect person to show them around. Is that okay with you?’

  ‘Yes, yes of course!’ Deb trilled. ‘Absolutely. Just give me a call once you’re able to. Thanks a lot, Jess. Chat soon. Ta-ta!’

  Jessica ended the call and dialled Esme’s number. She felt like she was working in a call-centre just lately.

  ‘Jessica, dear! How marvellous to hear from you!’

  Jessica smiled at the happiness in Esme’s voice before getting straight to it. ‘Esme, I need your help.’

  ‘Oh, dear. What’s wrong? What’s happened?’

  ‘No, no. Nothing bad. It’s to do with Bluebell House. I’ve just spoken to the estate agent and she’s found a family who she thinks will be perfect. They’re offering more than the asking price, and apparently have fallen head over heels in love with it. Anyway, they want to view Bluebell House. She asked if I’d be able to come back to do it, but work is manic at the moment and I really can’t afford to take any time off when things are so busy. So, I was wondering, seeing as you have a history with Bluebell House, and you’re a Bluebell Hill resident, do you think you’d be able to help with the viewing? Show them around, tell them a little bit about the place?’

  ‘Of course dear, that’s no problem.’

  Jessica fist-pumped the air. This was amazing. Once the house was out of her hands, she’d be free! No more Bluebell Hill, no more Bluebell House, no more nasty memories. ‘Esme, you are a star!’ Jessica squealed. ‘Right. I’ll call the estate agent back and let her know, okay? I’ll give you more details soon. Bye, Esme.’

  Moments later, she was back on the phone to Deb. ‘Deb, my friend has agreed to help with the viewing.’

  ‘Excellent news!’ Deb cheered. ‘How wonderful. That’s perfect. Well, I’ll email the viewing details across to you and then you can let your friend know. It should be sometime this we
ek, they’re eager to go and see it, so I don’t suppose it will take them too long to get themselves down to Bluebell Hill.’

  ‘Okay, thanks Deb. Let me know how it all goes, won’t you?’ They said their goodbyes and as Jessica put down the phone, she stilled. Gradually, the excitement over the potential viewers faded. But she was definitely still excited. It would be great. New people living there, walking the rooms, filling them up with laughter, and a new baby was even better. Wasn’t it?

  For some reason, she couldn’t quite focus on what she was supposed to be doing. She stared hard at the computer screen, watched as her colleagues chatted and smiled and laughed around her. What had she been about to do before the phone call? For the life of her, she couldn’t remember. She logged in, opened up the document and couldn’t seem to make sense of the words. Her head felt slightly muggy, like it was full of fog. She rubbed at her eyes and could feel the beginnings of a headache coming on. She just needed some headache tablets that was all. Everything was great. In fact, everything was perfect! She tried to summon back the cheeriness that had been present just moments before, but she couldn’t. She forced herself to imagine Bluebell House with its new occupants, the house lit up for Christmas, covered in snow. The family inside head over heels in love with their new home, always laughing and smiling, unable to believe that Bluebell House was theirs. But still, she was filled with a sense of unease, and she couldn’t quite put her finger on why.

  After work that evening, she went to the gym with Sarah, feeling more than ready for a serious work out alongside her friend. They hopped onto the treadmills, situated beside each other, and began at a slow, steady pace. It was nice and quiet inside, so they were able to chat easily. Television screens hung on the wall in front of them, but the sound was muted.

  ‘So, I had a call today from Deb, the estate agent,’ Jessica began, not entirely sure why she’d brought the subject up. She couldn’t think of anything else to say, though. Bluebell House seemed to be all that she could think of lately, not just since she’d received the call from Deb. The feeling that she’d had to put up with all afternoon, of a thick unease, was still lingering, and seemed to intensify. ‘She’s found some potential buyers. They’ve offered more than the asking price and apparently can’t wait to see it. Family of four. Baby on the way.’

  Sarah glugged water from a bottle then placed it back into its holder. ‘Oh, right.’

  ‘What do you mean “oh right”?’ Jessica asked, glancing across at her. She’d expected Sarah to be more enthusiastic than that.

  Sarah looked back. ‘I just thought you’d be happier about it, that’s all. You couldn’t wait to get Bluebell House off your hands before.’

  Jessica frowned, confused at what Sarah was saying to her. ‘No, wait. You’ve got it all wrong. I am happy about it. Definitely happy about it. Why do you think I’m not? I’ve already arranged it all. I can’t wait.’

  Sarah laughed. ‘Yeah. Right. That’s why your face looks like that, is it? Because you’re happy?’

  ‘Sarah, I’m telling you right now. I’m definitely happy with this decision.’

  Sarah raised her eyebrows. ‘Jessica, when you just mentioned it to me, you looked like you were announcing the death of someone. You did not look happy. Devastated, if anything. That’s how it looked to me anyway.’ Sarah shrugged and pressed the button twice on the treadmill to up the pace. ‘Who’s going to show them around the place? Will you be doing it? Is there another trip to Bluebell Hill on the cards?’

  ‘Esme,’ Jessica replied. She turned up the pace too. ‘I can’t get back down there just yet. But anyway, I’m happy. Don’t think I’m not, because I am.’

  ‘Whatever you say, Jess. Whatever you say.’

  They worked out in silence for a while, a few more gym members arriving during the hour session, and Jessica tried to focus on the task at hand. But she couldn’t. Sarah’s words kept spinning around in her mind. She thought she’d looked happy when she’d told her the news. She’d put a smile on her face, hadn’t she? But then, she distinctly remembered forcing that smile. Why on earth would she have forced it? If she was truly happy, then wouldn’t the smile have just appeared by itself? Urgh. Everything was so damn confusing. Why couldn’t things just be simple?

  ‘Did I really not look happy?’ she asked Sarah worriedly, once they were finished. They stepped out into the night air and the coolness felt gorgeous against her hot, worked up skin.

  Sarah shrugged her bag onto her shoulder and turned around to face her. ‘No, you didn’t. I wouldn’t lie to you. You looked like you were about to cry if I’m going to be honest, Jess.’

  Jessica barked out a laugh. ‘Now you’re just exaggerating. Don’t be ridiculous, Sarah. Of course I wasn’t going to cry. It’s happy news. I was happy. I can’t believe you couldn’t see that I was happy.’

  ‘I’m totally not exaggerating!’ Sarah argued. ‘Jess, I’m being serious. You didn’t look happy at all. I know you’re going to think I’m trying to get involved but, are you sure that selling Bluebell House is what you want to do? Are you absolutely one hundred percent certain? Because I don’t think you are. I don’t think you’ve actually considered how it’s going to be once you’ve sold it.’

  Walking along the street, Jessica chewed on her lip. ‘I’m sure it’s the right decision,’ she said quietly. ‘Completely sure. Why wouldn’t I be?’ As she asked the question, she was hoping that Sarah would be able to provide her with an answer.

  ‘Well. You know now, don’t you?’ Sarah replied as she walked alongside her. ‘You know what happened. You know that Miriam, your aunty, wasn’t your birth mother. You know how you came to be there at Bluebell House. You know that before that point, you were loved by your mother, Helen. I think you’ve pinned all of this bad stuff onto Bluebell House itself, rather than the people who lived there.’

  Jessica paused on the street and turned to face her. ‘So what are you saying?’

  Sarah blinked at her beneath a streetlight. ‘I’m saying I think you should go home and have a really big think about what you’re about to do. Once you hand Bluebell House over to this family, you won’t be getting it back. They’re obviously desperate to have it with the amount of money they’ve offered for it. But once they’re there, there’s no going back, Jessica. It won’t be yours. Never again. You may have your spent childhood there with Esme, but once the new family move in, you’re not going to be able to go and visit. They’re not going to let you stroll through the house, reliving the past. It will be theirs, not yours, and I don’t think you’ve truly given that enough thought just yet. Have you?’

  Jessica swallowed. Had she? After what Sarah had just said, her heart had begun to race. The thought of never being able to go back, not even once, to visit the house where she’d grown up was incredibly sad. She was quite a sentimental person. And Sarah was right about another thing too. She’d pinned all of her memories and emotions from the past onto Bluebell House, rather than the people who had lived inside. It wasn’t the house’s fault. It was theirs. The house hadn’t made her feel unloved. It had been them. The house had just been the shell where it had all happened.

  ‘Goodnight, Jess.’

  Jessica blinked and realised that they were outside her apartment. ‘See you tomorrow?’ she asked quietly.

  ‘You will,’ Sarah replied. ‘Promise me you’ll have a think about what I’ve said? Before it’s too late?’

  Jessica nodded. ‘I promise.’

  ‘Good.’ Sarah hugged her and then carried on down the street, towards her own home. Jessica watched her figure disappear around a corner and then let herself into the apartment.

  Once she was in bed, she tried to give the Bluebell House situation some serious thought. She just kept returning to the fact that it hadn’t been the house’s fault, which was slightly ridiculous, but the more she thought about it, the more it began to make sense, and the house didn’t seem so full of doom and gloom. She tossed and turned the entire
night through, unable to find any sort of comfortable position. She dug her head beneath the pillow, kicked off the blanket, paced the bedroom a few times, until eventually, she dragged her laptop onto the bed and reread the email that Deb had sent her after their phone call.

  The details of the upcoming viewing appeared on the screen and she squinted as she stared at the brightness. Two days away. 9.30am. Again, that unease began to slowly creep back in. She slammed the lid shut, placed the laptop onto the bedside table and tried, yet again, to sleep. In the end, sometime after 2am, she managed to close her eyes and keep them shut. It was fitful sleep, full of dreams of Bluebell House.

  Chapter Eighteen

  As Jessica had known she would, Deb called after the viewing of Bluebell House to let her know how it had all went. Jessica had been waiting for the call all day long but didn’t feel relieved after listening to what Deb had to say. She felt nervous and on edge, and she wasn’t quite sure why. It seemed that was becoming the norm just recently. Emotional onslaughts for no reason or, if there was a reason, then she didn’t know what that reason was. After her conversation with Sarah about Bluebell House, she was beginning to wonder if maybe, just maybe, she wasn’t so keen on the idea of selling it after all. Which was ridiculous in itself, because of course she wanted to sell it! What on earth was she going to do with it, if she were to keep it? She had her life here in London. Her job, her best friend. What was she going to do? Keep hold it but refuse to let anyone live there? Allow it to grow old without a family to take care of it? It wasn’t fair on the house. And when, she asked herself, had she started referring to Bluebell House as if it were a person with feelings and emotions? She was obviously well on the way to losing her mind. It was all those sleepless nights, and tossing and turning. They were beginning to take their toll on her.

  ‘Well, Jessica. It’s fantastic news!’ Deb gushed down the phone loudly, clearly not caring about bursting Jessica’s eardrums in the process. ‘They absolutely loved Bluebell House. Every single inch of it, from top to bottom. Their offer is still firmly on the table. They insisted that I try to hurry it along. They’re desperate to get in there, so the sooner we can arrange a meeting at the offices, the better all round, I think!’