by Lucy Clark
When she exited the stairwell on the third floor, she tried to be as quiet as she could, not wanting to wake Miles. It was as though they were sharing a house where none of the rooms actually interconnected but they could hear everything that happened.
The pounding in her head was becoming quite fierce now and she walked carefully to the kitchenette, drawing her emergency medical kit from the cupboard. She had nothing stronger than paracetamol, but for now that would have to do.
They’re my babies. No one can take them away from me. The words repeated as though on a constant loop, and Janessa was unable to choke back a loud sob. She tried to fill a glass with water in order to take the tablets but found her hand was shaking too much, the water sloshing everywhere. She put the glass down before it slipped from her hand, pain piercing her heart so intensely that she wasn’t sure she would ever breathe properly again.
Sliding to the floor, she hugged her knees and started to cry, the pounding in her head becoming worse with every stifled noise she made. The pressure, the pain, the pounding … on and on they went, before she could take the throbbing around her mind no more and, dashing to the bathroom, was violently ill.
Rinsing her mouth and brushing her teeth, she was startled when Miles called through the wall, ‘Janessa? Are you all right?’
‘I’m fine,’ she called back, not wanting him to intrude on her pain. She was trying to keep her distance from him, trying to make sure she didn’t get hurt by not becoming involved with him on a personal level. ‘Didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to bed.’
Her vulnerability was at an all-time high right now, and if Miles came over, if he held her, if he—
The sound of her front door opening caused her heart to jump into her throat.
‘Janessa?’
‘Miles? How did you get in? The door was locked. I checked it. I made sure,’ she said, walking out of the bathroom, catching a glimpse of her red eyes and blotchy skin in the mirror, to find him standing in her front hallway.
‘My key works in your lock. No doubt yours works in mine but none of that is relevant right now.’ He walked towards her, taking in her features. ‘You were sick. Are you all right? Did you eat something wrong? Have you been injured?’ He reached out for her but she backed away.
‘I’m fine. Go back to bed.’ It was only as she said the words that she realised he was dressed in a pair of denim jeans, a T-shirt still clasped loosely in one hand, as though he hadn’t had time to dress in his rush to get to her. ‘I didn’t mean to disturb your sleep.’
‘Janessa?’ Miles was now clearly puzzled. It was obvious that she wanted him to leave but it was also obvious that she wasn’t being completely truthful with him. ‘It’s clear that, contrary to what you’re saying, you are not fine—in fact, you’re quite pale.’
‘Ugly, you mean.’ She turned her back to him, not wanting to look at the incredible sight he made. She walked through to her room, now just wanting to lie down on her bed and cry herself to sleep.
‘No. A little red around the eyes maybe, but most definitely not ugly.’ There was a strength to his words and she wanted to believe him. Instead, she kicked off her shoes and climbed into her bed, laying her head on the pillow and closing her eyes.
‘I just need sleep. You let yourself in. You can let yourself out.’
‘So you’re not sick?’
‘If it’s the meeting you’re worried about, don’t be. I’ll be there at nine o’clock sharp.’
‘I don’t care about the meeting, Janessa.’ There was impatience in his tone and she opened her eyes to look at him, very grateful that he’d at least put his T-shirt on and covered his tempting upper body. ‘I care about you.’
‘Well, don’t.’
‘Why? It’s not something I can switch on and off any time I feel like it. You know there’s this thing between us … this attraction that we’re both working so desperately to fight.’
‘I thought it was merely an attraction. I didn’t know there was caring involved.’ Her words were careless and tired but they triggered an immediate reaction when Miles closed the distance between them and lifted her into a sitting position, his hands firm on her arms but not to the point where he was hurting her.
‘Of course I care about you. How could I not when I can’t stop thinking about you? Don’t you have any idea how you get to me, how you manage to get under my skin, to disturb my train of thought? I sit in meetings and all I can think about is you. I see you in the NICU and I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to kiss you again. You’re turning my thoughts from my work and driving me insane.’ He gave her a little shake, exasperation flooding through him.
‘I know we’ve both been doing our best to avoid each other but it’s clear that there’s something wrong. You were sick. I could hear you courtesy of the thin walls and terrible plumbing pipes.’ His hands had gentled now and she could feel the exasperation change to the strong awareness that seemed to exist permanently between them. ‘What happened? Is there something wrong in the NICU? What is it, Janessa? Are the girls OK?’
‘They’re fine. Better than fine. So gorgeous and strong and healthy and … alive.’ On the last word, all the strength seemed to leave her and she sagged against Miles. ‘They’re so alive, Miles. So alive. Not like my little boy at all. He died.’
The tears slid down her cheeks and Miles immediately gathered her to him, shifting them around so that he could sit up against the headboard of the bed and hold Janessa close.
‘My Connor,’ she said between hiccups. ‘I couldn’t face holding him. The staff were wonderful, caring and doing all they could for us. They tried to encourage me to hold him, to say goodbye, to achieve closure, but right then and there I … I couldn’t. I felt so weak, so useless, so scared.’
‘Oh, Nessa,’ he whispered, feeling her pain.
‘Then, later on, I couldn’t sleep. The nurse on the ward was wonderful and when she asked me if I wanted to try and say goodbye to Connor, I agreed. She arranged everything, she was amazing. I was escorted down to the mortuary, to the small viewing room, and … I saw him. I held him. My baby. So still. So cold.’ Janessa sniffed. ‘So … lifeless.’ She shook her head, her words barely audible. ‘I was too young. My life with Bradley was over. We just couldn’t get past the loss of our baby. And then … my mum died. My beautiful, sweet, loving mum. I lost so much.’
Miles listened to her talk, stroking her hair, hearing her heartbreak in every word she spoke. It was obvious she hadn’t dealt with the pain of her past … but, then, until he’d met her, neither had he. He’d just forged ahead, putting his past away. He knew how she felt but at least, being there for her, holding her, helping her … hopefully she’d be able to move forward, just as she’d helped him to start letting go of his own past.
‘After I buried Connor, the doctor said it wasn’t wise to try for another pregnancy too soon. Bradley and I … we were both so young and in pain. We took it out on each other, blamed each other, but in the end we knew we would never be able to go back to the young carefree teenagers we’d been before Connor was born. I felt as though my life was over. That there was nothing more for me, no happily-ever-after.’
Miles shook his head. ‘But you were strong. Perhaps stronger than you realised because look at what you’ve managed to accomplish. You went to medical school, worked hard, trained hard, no doubt determined to specialise in neonatology, to help other confused and hurting mothers. The people who have been through the same or similar experiences are the ones who can offer the most hope, the most compassion and the most understanding to those who follow. Your experiences have made you a better doctor, Nessa, even if you don’t see it that way. You are a strong and incredibly intelligent woman. You’re amazing.’
Janessa allowed his sweet yet strong and powerful words to wash over her, dissolving more of the protective walls she’d built around herself. Was that how he saw her? As a strong woman? Filled with compassion? Why was it that she couldn’t see he
rself that way?
‘You also looked after your father when he was ill. Sheena told me how you were his sole carer until his death.’
‘And I grumbled about it at times,’ she added. ‘It isn’t easy to look after a parent, especially when you can see their health failing right before your eyes.’
‘It’s not meant to be easy. The hard times only make us stronger. Easy to say, difficult to work through but still so very true.’
Janessa knew he was right and the fact that he’d been through his own heart-wrenching experiences made her listen to his words. ‘So is that how you view your own negative experiences, Miles? How can you turn what happened to you into a positive?’ She asked the question quietly, hiccupping a little now that her tears had stopped.
Miles rested his head against the wall and slowly exhaled. ‘I don’t know, Nessa, but for a while there I had to force myself to get out of bed, to remember to breathe in and out every day, to push through the pain of my loss and try to find some sort of silver lining. My wife and son died and there was nothing I could do.’
‘You were unconscious. You were hurt as well,’ she pointed out, remembering what he’d told her.
‘I woke up to … nothing.’ He tightened his hold on her, loving the feel of her in his arms, the support and comfort she was allowing him to take from her. ‘It’s a day that’s forever burned into my brain. The happiness of being on the train, of being with my family, of looking out the window at the incredible view, and then … nothingness.’
Janessa looked up at him, his square jaw clenched with stubbornness, his eyes staring off into the distance. ‘The pain and heartbreak at being left so alone isn’t a nice feeling, especially when your family was ripped from you so suddenly, but yet you went on. That takes strength.’
Miles looked down into her beautiful brown eyes, slightly red-rimmed from crying, but even so she looked gorgeous. ‘What else is there to do?’
‘Give up? Walk away from medicine? Change jobs? Lock yourself away? But you didn’t do any of that.’
‘Neither did you,’ he felt compelled to point out.
Janessa gave him a crooked smile. ‘A real mutual admiration society, aren’t we?’
‘We’ve got to stick together in this world.’ He nodded, but his gaze dipped down to her lips.
‘Yes.’
Miles swallowed and brought his free hand up to caress her cheek. ‘You are so lovely, Janessa.’
She gasped at his words, her heart starting to pound wildly in her chest. She wanted him. She wanted him so badly she felt as though she was going to burst with desire. How could he elicit such emotions from her so effortlessly? Her breathing started to increase and she licked her lips as his gaze caressed her.
‘I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been through, for what you’ve lost, but right now all I can think about is kissing you.’
‘Oh.’ The small word came out on a hiccupping breath and she found that she couldn’t stop from staring into his come-hither blue eyes.
‘Ever since the day the girls were born—which seems like half a lifetime ago, rather than just a few weeks—I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how perfect your mouth felt against mine. About how perfectly you fit into my arms. About how perfect we are together.’
She wanted it, too. Wanted nothing more than to follow through on her heart’s desire but she paused, just for a second. ‘But we can’t. We work together. We have—’
Miles shook his head and placed a finger across her lips, stopping her words. ‘Shh. I don’t want to rationalise this, Janessa. I’ve spent too much time trying to figure things out, trying to deny the way being near you makes me feel, but the truth of the matter is that you make me feel alive again.
‘For the past seven years since Wendy’s death, I’ve been existing, going from one job to the next, in order to help out where I could but also to close myself off from the world. It’s easy to move through the world, to appear fine and healthy when you know how. You smile, you nod, you provide your expertise. You receive thanks, you shake hands, you go on your way, heading off to the next place where you do it all again. No one gets close enough to touch the real you, deep down inside. Everyone is kept at arm’s length. Everything is under control. Or at least that’s how my life was … until I met you.’ His finger outlined her trembling lips and Janessa’s eyelids fluttered closed as she accepted the caress.
‘Miles.’ His name was a breathless whisper. ‘I want this, too, but—’
‘You don’t want to get hurt when I leave,’ he finished for her, shifting slightly to bring her a little closer to him.
‘Yes.’ She opened her eyes and looked directly into his.
‘I can’t promise anything, Janessa, only that I want to spend more time with you, to hold you close, to kiss you. I never thought I would ever become interested in a woman again and the fact that I have, the fact that I want you, that I can’t stop thinking about you, that I want to kiss you every time I see you, is a miracle within itself. I didn’t think I had the capacity to care for anyone as deeply as I do for you.’
‘So … what are you saying? That you’ll stay? That you’ll remain in Adelaide once the girls have been separated? That you want to keep seeing me? Spending time with me?’
Miles looked down at her mouth, tempted to lie, to promise her whatever she wanted, just so he could kiss those perfect lips of hers … but he knew he couldn’t. She’d been hurt so long ago and the fact that she was still so incredibly cautious only showed him just how deep that hurt had gone. It also showed him that he owed her one thing right now, and that was the complete truth.
‘It’s tempting, Nessa. So very tempting, and that in itself is something new. I’ve always been in control, had things mapped out, known exactly what’s happening next, but not now.’ He spoke so clearly, so articulately, and it was just another facet to him that she was coming to love.
Love?
Janessa ignored the thought, focusing on the here and now because on a romantic level the ‘here and now’ always ended with a generous serving of pain and sadness later on. Why was it that he had to go? Why did he have to leave? To move? Wasn’t it worthwhile, staying here? Seeing whether these wonderful sensations that had existed between them since they’d first met meant anything?
‘Janessa?’ Miles saw confusion, anxiousness and longing cross her face, and he knew she was just as confused as he was. ‘You once asked me if there was any hope for a “happily ever after” for control freaks such as us.’
‘Mm-hm?’
‘I think there might be.’
‘Really?’ She edged closer, hope filling her heart as she leaned up towards his mouth, wanting more than the touch of his fingers on her neck, her cheeks, her lips.
‘Yes.’ The word was a whisper of promise. What was coursing between them, filling the room with energy and repressed tension, was too strong for either of them to cope with right now. ‘I want you, Janessa. Don’t ever think that I don’t.’
‘Show me, Miles.’
‘Oh, honey, I want to.’ He closed his eyes as though in pain. ‘Believe me, I want to.’ He brushed his thumb over her lips once more before gently easing himself away. Where he found the strength, he had no idea but now, when she’d been upset, when she was tired, when both of them had no real answers to their present dilemma, he also knew he couldn’t take advantage of her. She was too special, too precious. She wasn’t just some woman. She was an important woman in his life. That was the realisation he’d reached tonight and as such she deserved far more than he could presently give.
‘But we both need to get some sleep.’ He stood with his back to her as he collected himself, slowly exhaling before walking around the bed. ‘Rest.’ He reached out and brushed some hair from her forehead. ‘More meetings in the morning.’
‘Yes.’ Janessa captured his hand in hers and sat up, kissing his knuckles. ‘Thank you, Miles.’
‘For?’
‘For being a gentlema
n. For listening. For comforting.’
Miles’s heart was throbbing in his chest and he clenched his jaw for another long moment, wanting her so badly but knowing it wasn’t right … not yet. He gave her a crooked smile and pushed his free hand through his hair. ‘Glad I could help.’ He stood there for a moment, just looking at her, feeling his superhuman strength start to drain. ‘Good heavens, you’re beautiful,’ he ground out, and then, before he succumbed, he let go of her hand and headed towards the front door.
‘Miles?’ Janessa was on her feet and heading after him as quickly as she could. He stopped by her open front door and spun around eagerly to face her. ‘What does this mean? About us? Is there an us?’
He could hear, could see all her vulnerabilities. She was being open with him, allowing him to see the real Janessa, and she couldn’t have given him a stronger reason to give her the answer she deserved. ‘Yes. Yes, honey. Whether we like it or not, there is an us.’ He wasn’t sure how she’d take that news. They’d both verbalised their feelings, their uncertainty, their hesitation in moving forward.
Janessa nodded slowly, then took him completely by surprise when she stepped forward and wrapped her arms about him. Her body, soft and glorious against his own. ‘If there really is an “us”, then there’s also a “we”, and I think we should at least kiss goodnight,’ she murmured, and when his arms slid eagerly around her waist, she brought his head down so their lips could meet, both of them giving in to the powerful sensations that zinged between them.
She was perfect. So sweet, so supple, so sensual. She was sugar and spice and all things nice, and yet he wasn’t sure whether standing here, holding her, kissing her was the right thing to do when his need for her continued to increase.
Groaning with regret, Miles eased back after a few minutes and set her at arm’s length—her inside her door, he in the corridor outside.
‘Now. Get some sleep. We’ll … talk more later on today.’
Janessa sighed and smiled at him, her eyelids half-closed with relaxed sensuality. ‘OK.’ Still, she didn’t move. She just stood leaning against the wall, looking at him with a little half-smile on her lips. It was very disconcerting and extremely distracting, especially when he was trying to do the right thing.
