Faithful

by Bay, Louise

  I didn’t respond for a few minutes.

  “OK, time-out, just for tonight.”

  I relaxed a bit; the intensity was still there but with less discomfort than I felt before. We talked properly and we didn’t stop talking: about the band on stage, about our jobs, the music we liked listening to, what we had been doing since we last saw each other, what we enjoyed about our lives. We both skirted around our romantic relationships—we were on a time-out, after all. We talked and laughed, sat in comfortable silence as we listened to the band play some amazing music. It was like we had known each other our whole lives.

  Some hours later, I dragged my eyes away from Daniel and scanned the room. We were the last ones left. Holy hell, it was past 1 a.m.

  “I need to go.”

  Daniel’s smile faltered almost imperceptibly and I saw that sadness again in his eyes. He nodded and he asked for the bill.

  “I’m sorry; I’m having a lovely time.” I reached over and grabbed his hand and he interlaced his fingers with mine. The driver was waiting for us when we got into the street.

  “I really want to see you home, but given the circumstances, I’ve asked my driver to take you from here and I’ll get a cab.” I was a bit shocked. I thought we would have the car journey back together.

  “Oh, thank you, but I can take a cab,” I said, trying to cover my disappointment.

  “My driver will take you, Leah. I don’t want you in a cab at this time of night.”

  “Thank you for everything tonight. It’s been a wonderful evening.”

  He trailed his fingers up my spine and cupped my face, then placed a chaste kiss on my lips that set a fire racing through my body. My legs collapsed a little and I stumbled. Daniel steadied me and helped me into the car without saying another word.

  I went to say goodbye and he raised his index finger to his lips, as if he were willing me not to end the evening. The car pulled away and left him on the sidewalk, staring at the sky.

  The tears came from nowhere. I’d had such an amazing evening, but quite suddenly I felt that something inside me had died. I knew our time-out was over and I couldn’t see him again. I knew that before the evening began, but now the thought scorched through my head and I desperately wanted to pull it out and stop the pain.

  I arrived back at the flat exhausted by my sobbing. Daniel’s driver didn’t say a word about my inexplicable tears. He didn’t even glance in his rearview mirror, for which I was very grateful. How would I explain my state to Charlie? Hopefully he would be fast asleep. I crept into the flat, trying to navigate the dark in order to avoid waking him by switching on the lights.

  When I reached the bedroom, Charlie wasn’t there. I checked my phone, no message. All I could think was how relieved I was that I wasn’t confronted by his physical presence. I could delay the full extent of my feelings of guilt. Then it occurred to me that maybe something had happened to him. I checked my email and he’d sent me a message that he would be working very late and might not make it home. God, he was working his behind off at the moment, and for what? To provide for our future together. And there it was: The guilt poured over me.

  I think I must have drifted off at some point, although I couldn’t be sure. I certainly didn’t feel rested when the alarm went off. Charlie hadn’t been home all night. I texted him and asked him if he needed me to bring a change of clothes into the office for him. He normally kept a clean shirt there but he’d done a couple of overnighters recently, so I thought he might be have used them up. When I came out of the shower, he’d texted back to say that he was coming home for a shower shortly.

  I ran around getting ready as quickly as I could. I wanted to get out of the flat before he arrived, I couldn’t bear to face him. I left him a note saying I would cook dinner for him this evening if he was going to be home. I would begin to make amends.

  When I got to my desk, I was confronted by a bouquet of white roses sitting in a vase. Brendan came waltzing over.

  “Roses after six years. He’s either cheating or working too hard—or both!”

  I laughed as convincingly as I could. They weren’t from Charlie. I knew that without looking at the card. White roses had always held a bit of fascination for me, something I associated with true love and fairytales since I was a child. But I’d never received them, and it wasn’t a fascination that I’d ever shared with anyone. How did he know? And how had he even gotten flowers to me by 8 a.m.?

  Apart from Brendan there weren’t many people in the office, and I reached for the card without fear of anyone sneaking a peek over my shoulder.

  Thank you … for an intense evening.

  Dx

  I hid the card in my handbag and took a deep breath. This had to be over. Whatever this was, it couldn’t continue. Not even the email flirting. It was all too dangerous, too frightening, too intense. And I was engaged.

  I threw myself into work and by the time people began to arrive, my was head down. During the course of the day, I managed to catch up on the work that had built while I was absorbed in the presentation pitch.

  I jumped three feet out of my chair when Patricia came over that afternoon.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you!” We both laughed. “I hear you did a fabulous job yesterday.”

  “Did you? That’s so nice, thanks. To be honest, I really enjoyed it more than I expected to. I’d love to get involved again if and when the need arises.”

  “I’m so pleased to hear you say that, because I have a bit of an ulterior motive. David had a potential new client call in earlier today about representing them through a sale process. It’s a small chain of boutique hotels. Palmerston—have you heard of them?”

  I shook my head.

  “David said you acted on the Daleton sale, so you have some good industry experience. And because you did so well yesterday, you seem to be the perfect candidate for this pitch and presentation. What do you think?”

  “Wow, that’s great. I’d love to help! How do we get started?” This was just what I needed: an overload at work so I didn’t have to think about anything going on at home.

  “Well, that’s the only catch. We only have until next Tuesday to prepare. They aren’t doing a two-stage process; they’ve just invited three firms to present and take questions next Tuesday afternoon. There’s a lot to do, but this would be phenomenal for the firm, it would really cement our expertise in this sector.”

  “Sounds good. When’s the kickoff meeting?”

  “Tomorrow at 8 a.m. I’ll send you some background reading in the meantime. Beautiful flowers, by the way.”

  Great, I was going to be too busy to think!

  I took Patricia’s reading home with me, so I left the office at a decent hour and stopped by the supermarket on the way home to pick up some food and a bottle of merlot—no Rioja—for dinner tonight. It was a fresh start, a new day.

  I just needed to email Daniel to say thank you for the flowers, and I needed to ensure he was clear there would be no more time-outs and then that would be the end of things. I would start my amends-making by preparing and enjoying dinner with my fiancé.

  Every time I started to write my goodbye email to Daniel, I managed to distract myself. I told myself I had to give Deb some comments on her note from yesterday’s call before I wrote the email. I had to book a hair appointment. I had to give Brendan my filing and go through my schedule for next week with him—by 3 p.m. I realized that I was just rude for not thanking him for the flowers and dinner last night. There was no way around it: I had to email him, and I had to do it then. I volunteered to do a coffee run again and started typing in the queue.

  Thank you so much for the flowers. They are quite beautiful. You seem to have access to my most private thoughts; white roses are a particular favorite of mine, but I’ve never received them from anyone until now.

  You said last night that you require transparency in your life, so I want to be completely clear with you—I had a truly wonderful evening last
night. Thank you, but I’m back in reality now and I realize that we can’t pursue whatever there is between us. I hope that doesn’t sound presumptuous of me; I have no idea if you think there is something between us and no idea if you want to pursue it, but I know how I feel. I feel something and if circumstances were different … but they’re not and I can’t get in deeper than I already am.

  I’m so thankful we had last night.

  Lx

  That was the end of it. I logged out of my email and went to shower and change before starting on dinner. There was a finality about the tears that ran down my face during my shower that was reassuring. I just let them out, knowing they were for Daniel and therefore couldn’t be a part of me anymore.

  When I came out of the shower, I had received a text from Charlie saying he would make it home tonight but not before dinner and for me to go ahead without him. Oh well, that gave me time for me to do the reading I guess.

  I was starting to feel a bit more settled when Anna called later that evening. I didn’t tell her about meeting Daniel. I probably would at some point soon, when I felt a bit less raw.

  “Can you do drinks on Friday?”

  “I think so, yes. I have to go into work this weekend, though, so I can’t have a late night. Is Fran up for it as well?”

  “No, I’m not inviting her. There’s something not right with that girl. I’ve barely seen her, and when I have she’s so moody. And to top it all she says she isn’t drinking this month. Now, you can’t tell me that’s normal behavior from Fran.”

  “Well, abstinence from alcohol is bound to cause moodiness.” I tried to lighten her mood.

  “Agreed, let’s change the subject. How are things with Charlie?”

  “Better, I think. I’ve not really seen him since Sunday. He’s been working so hard, but things seem to be on the right track.”

  “Well, that’s good, Leah, but remember that you need to know this is right for you for the rest of your life.”

  “I know, I know.”

  “Have you told your parents yet?”

  “No, not yet.”

  “Leah, how come?” Wasn’t that the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question.

  “I will, when it’s right.” I wasn’t quite sure what I meant by “right,” but Anna took the hint and we spent the rest of our call gossiping about news of intra-law firm indiscretions. There was more than enough material to keep us busy for a lifetime. Anna was always good at cheering me up and vice versa—tonight was no exception.

  As I was finishing off my reading, my email pinged and my stomach lurched. He wouldn’t have replied would he? Apparently, he would.

  It’s not presumptuous. I feel it, too. I’m fully aware of your situation and I understand it would be easier if I stayed away, but it’s not an option. I’m not going anywhere, Leah. X

  I was in deep trouble.

  Chapter Four

  His mouth was on my neck, licking and sucking and groaning my name. My back arched as he slowly and frustratingly trailed his tongue from my throat to my stomach. It was almost too much. I felt on the edge of consciousness, as if I were about to pass out from the ecstasy of it. I was so desperate for him. I pushed my hands through his hair and he groaned again as he dragged his thumbs across my nipples, again and again. He kissed and licked further and further down my body. His hands reached under me and pulled me closer to his mouth; his tongue reached my clit and I moaned, “Oh, please, yes.”

  And I sat bolt upright at the same moment Charlie came out of our bathroom.

  “Leah, are you OK?”

  “Yes, I just saw the time—I’m so late.” I jumped out of bed and ran past Charlie and straight into the shower. Had I said that aloud?

  Daniel was right: He wasn’t going anywhere. He was front and center of my mind all day and every day and now he seemed to be invading my nights as well. There must be a way to block him out, to shut down my desire for him.

  I hadn’t responded to his last email. What could I possibly say that wasn’t some kind of lie to Daniel or betrayal of Charlie? I had already said that I felt something for him but I couldn’t act on it; there was nothing to add. He hadn’t emailed since.

  Thankfully, it was Friday. I was distracted this week at work, which wasn’t like me at all. I needed to get my head together this weekend and start next week fresh. I was meeting Anna tonight and I was going to tell her about meeting Daniel for dinner. After all, it was history, and so I could try to pass it off as just a catch-up with an old friend … which it was.

  After a day working on the Palmerston presentation and trying to fend off urgent emails, I walked into the Chancery Bar. Anna was there with Brendan, of all people. This town could be so small at times.

  “Hey, you two, are we having a threesome?” I quipped.

  “Darling, you couldn’t handle that. No I’m just waiting for a date and passing the time gossiping. Unfortunately, now that you are engaged we have no gossip about you. It’s dull now that you are official. No will-they, won’t-they. It’s all white roses and wedding planning.” Brendan was rolling his eyes.

  “Why white roses?” My stomach turned at Anna’s question. Of course she would pick up on that.

  “Ugh, Charlie sent a huge bouquet of white roses to the office this week. Makes me want to heave,” Brendan said.

  Anna looked at me and I looked away and Brendan kept rattling on about how boring my love life was and how awful weddings were. I just smiled and let him get on with it while I contemplated the awkward questions I would get from Anna when Brendan’s date finally arrived. After about ten minutes, Brendan dropped us like stones and I braced myself for Anna’s questions.

  Once he was out of earshot, Anna turned to me. “So, I’m going to order another bottle of wine and while I’m gone you can decide whether I’m going to have to interrogate you or if you are going to explain willingly what is going on, Leah.”

  “No waterboarding will be necessary. Get some wine.” There was no point in trying to pretend the flowers were from Charlie. Anna knew him better than that.

  In the end, I told Anna that Daniel and I had met for a drink to reminisce about old times and that Daniel had indicated he was interested but I can been clear that I was engaged. I didn’t mention the subsequent email exchange. She seemed satisfied and didn’t push things further. I think it helped that she had other news.

  “So, you know how Fran has been really moody recently and not drinking?” I was only half-listening while wondering whether Anna had really dropped her questioning of Daniel and me.

  “Leah, are you listening? Fran is pregnant.”

  “Are you serious?” I whispered loudly.

  “Totally and completely serious. She’s about three months apparently. She told me last night because I confronted her about her weird behavior.”

  “Is it the DJ’s? Or that barman’s? Does she know?”

  “She said she was pretty sure that it was some random guy she met in a club one night. I don’t think she’s holding out much hope that he’s going to make an honest woman of her. I don’t think she’s even planning to tell him. I don’t know. It’s a lot to take in for her, I guess.”

  Fran didn’t want anyone knowing, so I was instructed by Anna to pretend I didn’t know until she was ready to tell me.

  Discussions over Fran’s situation took the rest of the bottle of wine, and, as selfish as it was, it was a welcome distraction to the Daniel drama that was going on in my head. Not that that would last for long.

  I checked my personal email in the cab on the way home. There it was: another message from Daniel, and the end of my distraction. I felt relief knowing he hadn’t given up. Would he want us to meet again?

  I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt of you in my bed, of the taste of your skin, the sounds you made as I touched you and your beautiful face as I made you come. x

  My stomach flipped and my cheeks blushed. I’d never had a man be that direct with me before and it was, well, hot. We were dream
ing of each other now. I felt like he was running at me at 100 miles an hour and I wasn’t sure whether to get out of the way or stand here while he crashed into me.

  Charlie was in front of the TV when I got in, his feet up on the coffee table and a beer in his hand.

  “Hey, there. Did you have a good night with Anna?”

  I couldn’t look at him. I was convinced the he would be able to read my expression and see that I was thinking about someone else. I needed to pull his focus from me. I needed to think about something else.

  “Yes, it was great. But oh my goodness, Charlie, you will never believe it. Fran has gone and got herself pregnant.”

  He actually turned to look at me. “What do you mean? No she hasn’t.”

  I really shouldn’t have told Charlie, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. I was just desperate for us to be talking about anything other than us.

  “So whose baby is it? Is she going to keep it?” Charlie went on.

  “I don’t know, and I think so. She wants to do it on her own, apparently. Anyway, I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Are you coming?” I really hoped he said no.

  “No, I’m going to finish watching this. I’ll be in in a bit.”

  I went into the bathroom, locked the door, and took out my phone to read that email again.

  ***

  The weekend passed without me replying to Daniel and without him emailing again. Other than going to a birthday dinner for a friend of Charlie’s on Saturday night, Charlie and I didn’t spend much time together. I went to the gym. Charlie seemed to spend most of Saturday in the office and then in bed on Sunday.

  Things were strained between us on Saturday night, but maybe I was making more of it than was actually there. Maybe things were always like this and I hadn’t noticed before. But would I be thinking like this, questioning like this, if I wasn’t getting this attention from Daniel? I was just imagining the grass on the other side of the fence. I was being immature. I’d been happy for six years and suddenly, because someone else was interested, I was starting to question what I’d previously been happy with.