Tomorrow and Always

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  “I’ll talk to Karissa,” Malcolm said. “I just might be there.”

  * * * * *

  “It’s time for us to leave the island,” Jesse said to Brionney as they readied for bed. She’d been expecting the words for some time now.

  “You think we’ve outstayed our welcome?”

  He crossed the room and took her hands. “It’s not that. I think Malcolm and Karissa need some time alone. They’re on the right track, or almost are, and Delinda and Jud will watch out for them. I don’t want to be in the way.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” Brionney said.

  “Besides,” he added, “the other guys and I have finished up every scrap of business I had lined up in Kodiak, and even some of the contracts in Anchorage. To keep working, I’d have to leave you and the kids alone too much. I wouldn’t be able to fly home from Anchorage every night.”

  She pulled away and walked over to the crib next to the bed. The twins were nestled together, sleeping—Gabriel soundly and Forest with tiny grunts and sighs. “Do you want to leave Alaska?”

  Jesse leaned against the crib. “I don’t think we should go that far—just to Anchorage for now. I have some contracts to finish there, and Damon and I still have plans to make. I think his idea of marketing my hospital program for national use is going to be a great success.”

  “Then can we go home?” She couldn’t keep the longing from her voice.

  Jesse laughed. “I thought you wanted to stay on Kodiak.”

  She shook her head slowly. “I love it here, but it’s not home. I think I’m ready to settle down. We have five children now; they need a house, someplace stable. And I miss my family.”

  “You’re right. We’ll go. Right away if you want.”

  “I’m not sure I should leave Karissa completely just yet. I’d like to stay in Alaska until her baby is born. There are things that—” She broke off. “I don’t feel we should go right this minute. But soon. Let’s see this thing through with Damon, and finish your other contracts.”

  “It’s a deal,” Jesse said. “I’ll tell Damon we’ll have to base our company in Utah. It won’t be the first software company there—not by a long shot.”

  Brionney frowned. “I don’t know if it will be easy to convince him. He has a lot of ties here.” She sighed deeply.

  “Is something else wrong?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. Despite my homesickness for Utah and my family, I think I’m going to miss it here.”

  A few days later, Jesse and Brionney drove to a deserted bay before leaving Kodiak Island. The girls crowded around Brionney as she stood on a rock outcropping over the water. Jesse watched from the beach, the twins cradled in his arms.

  In her hands she held a green plant container. Brionney removed one flat rock from the container and tossed it into the clear water. The second rock followed, skipping three times before sinking out of sight. Then she shook out the dirt from the container, watching it fall and disappear into the ocean.

  With the twins in her life, she no longer needed the pot of dirt and rocks for a reminder of her loss. They had served their purpose, but now there were no wounds left unhealed.

  Thank you, Father, Brionney prayed. She and Jesse had come a long way. It hadn’t been easy thus far, nor would the future be without challenges, but they would make it together.

  She turned back toward the beach, grabbing Rosalie’s hand so she wouldn’t slip from the rock. The other girls followed, their laughter rising on the breeze.

  Would Karissa ever reach the point where she could give up the past? Brionney hoped so. One thing she knew: the Lord loved her friend despite her sin. She only wished that Karissa would let Him show her that love before it was too late.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Malcolm urged the jeep into the curve as fast as he could, feeling it plow through the slushy late-March snow. His mind was alive, and he reveled in the freedom he enjoyed. The best two years of his life, his mission, had finally been supplanted by the growing joy in his heart. Looking back, he could see that the night Brionney’s twins were born had been the beginning; from there he had set about changing his life with a vengeance. Since he’d quit smoking, five months ago after Jesse’s blessing, he hadn’t missed a day of church or felt a craving that he couldn’t conquer with a prayer.

  When had he lost sight of the importance of the gospel? He didn’t know or pretend to understand. Now the gospel of Jesus Christ filled the emptiness he had felt in his heart for so many years.

  He glanced at his watch. Nearly thirty minutes since Karissa had called from the hospital. He wouldn’t miss the birth of his first child. He just wouldn’t! He wanted to be with Karissa, to support her. Maybe he would even give her a blessing. He hadn’t used his priesthood yet since his return to church, and he was only beginning to feel worthy of doing so. Now he would be able to name and bless his own child! Tears came to his eyes, and he blinked them back to focus on the road.

  Returning to church had been much easier than he had imagined. People had welcomed him, and he found joy in seeing them and sharing in their lives. Some of the single sisters had thought him a bachelor, and he had many interesting conversations with them until they realized that he was completely and totally in love with his pregnant wife.

  Malcolm’s smiled died on his face. Karissa hadn’t returned to church with him, despite his gentle urgings. But then, she’d been sick with her pregnancy. “I can’t stay for three hours,” she had said. Or “driving in the car makes me sick.” This last, at least, was true. If Karissa didn’t drive herself, she would throw up repeatedly. Even when she did drive, she would feel faint.

  He had schooled himself to be patient, sure that things would get better after the baby came. Karissa still worked full time, which drained all her energy, but maybe that would change, too. She had mentioned that Damon had found a temporary replacement for six months until she decided what she wanted to do.

  To Malcolm, there was no decision to be made. He had sold his documentary, and his commercials had made such an impact on the market that he had the funds to think about turning completely to movie-making, his childhood dream. One of his clients had given him a movie script by a young author who Malcolm was sure would make the grade, and it was set on a remote island that sounded very much like Kodiak. Malcolm already had backers for the film. It would be a success, and Karissa would never need to work again.

  Malcolm didn’t say any of this to Karissa, but he thought about it every day. He planned how the rooms in their house would be filled with children, and Karissa would be as happy as she had been while caring for Jesse’s girls.

  The hospital parking lot was just ahead, and he turned in and came to a quick, slushy stop at the parking space nearest the building. Not bothering to lock the Jeep, he plunged through the melting snow and into the hospital. “Where’s Karissa?” he asked the nurse on the maternity floor.

  “What? No ‘good afternoon?’ ” She winked. “Come on, Mr. Mathees, I’ll take you there.”

  Karissa was lying on a bed, looking calm. She held out her hands for him. “Malcolm.”

  He hugged her and kissed her forehead. “I made it.”

  “Not by much,” she said. “They say it’s going quickly for a first baby. They’re giving me an epidural now.”

  Compared to Brionney’s delivery that stormy night, Karissa’s seemed easy. She had sweat on her forehead and occasionally grimaced during the contractions, but the pain was kept at bay by the epidural. The baby came quickly and with no complications.

  “It’s a girl!” Malcolm said excitedly, glad they had waited to find out. “She’s beautiful!”

  He watched Dr. Fairfax clean and suction the infant and wrap her in a soft blanket. “A textbook delivery,” he said, handing her the baby. “Congratulations.”

  Karissa’s face shone with perspiration, but her hair and makeup seemed untouched. She cradled the baby with wonder in her eyes, the same wonder Malcolm felt on his own face
. He put his arm around her and snuggled up close, caressing the baby with his hand. Karissa tore her gaze away from their daughter to glance at him. “She’s all ours,” she whispered.

  “You did a great job.”

  She smiled. “It was hard, but easier than I expected,” she admitted. “Though for a while before the epidural, I thought I was going to scream. If it’s this easy, maybe we can have more.” It was the first time Karissa had mentioned the possibility of other children, as if wanting more would jinx the baby they had been given.

  “You just say when,” Malcolm said.

  She sighed in contentment. “I’m so happy.”

  Malcolm was happy, too. Maybe now Karissa would see how good the Lord had been to them and search for the deeper meaning in their existence. He prayed for this daily.

  “Let’s name her Stephanie.” Karissa shifted the baby on her chest and turned her head to see his face.

  “Why Stephanie?” he asked. They had discussed names, but this one had never come up. “I don’t know anyone by that name.”

  “Exactly. It’s just her. She seems like a Stephanie.” There was a thinly veiled intensity in her voice.

  He slid a hand down her long hair. “Karissa, is something wrong? You can tell me.”

  “Nothing. I just like that name. What do you think?”

  He looked down at the little baby with the mass of black hair and wide, dark eyes, slightly swollen and squeezed shut now against the light. “It fits her,” he said, smiling. “Besides, after going through that, you can name her anything you like.”

  Karissa laughed the deep, throaty laugh Malcolm loved and laid her head back on his chest. Malcolm knew life couldn’t be any better than it was at this moment.

  It wasn’t until weeks later that Malcolm’s world fell apart.

  * * * * *

  The first time Stephanie threw up, Karissa didn’t think much of it. She had seen Brionney’s babies do it many times and had learned that babies spit up—sometimes a lot. She simply took the week-old Stephanie from her breast and wiped her mouth with the cloth diaper she kept handy, then laid the baby on the sofa next to her. She adjusted her bra and pulled down her shirt, wincing slightly at the soreness she still felt at nursing time. “That’s all for you, my dear. It looks like you’ve had too much already.”

  She picked up the manuscript she had found on the coffee table. Its storyline took place on a remote island very much like Kodiak. She wondered where Malcolm had found it and why he had kept it. The words kept drawing her back to the page and she read on, fascinated. Every so often little Stephanie would make a small noise, and Karissa would hurriedly check to make sure her daughter was all right.

  When Malcolm came into the television room, she tore her gaze away from the manuscript and looked up, noticing that he still had the glazed look he had worn since Stephanie’s birth. She chuckled. “Run into any more walls, Malcolm?”

  He picked up Stephanie and sat beside her, placing the baby’s head on his knees with her little feet pointing to his stomach. Next to his left eye, beginning at the end of his eyebrow, an inch-long cut scarred his face. He fingered it gently. “Not since this.”

  “It’s not every day a man becomes a father for the first time.”

  Malcolm snorted. “That’s what the doctor said when he stitched me up. But it was embarrassing, I tell you. Embarrassing.” He poked gently at Stephanie’s stomach as she watched him complacently with her overlarge eyes.

  “Did you remember to take Delinda’s dishes back?” Karissa asked. Delinda and some of the other ward members had brought dinners for several days after Steph’s birth, and she’d been asking him to return their pans and plastic containers.

  “I finally remembered.” His eyes glanced at the manuscript, then stared as he recognized it.

  “It’s really good,” Karissa said. “It’d make a wonderful movie. With a few changes, it could have happened on Kodiak.”

  “I want to make it into a movie,” he confessed. The new scar near his eye made it droop slightly, and Karissa thought it added character and a sense of mystery. “Do you think I could do it?”

  Was he asking for her permission? “I think it’s a wonderful idea. You’d do a great job, and I’d even like to help, if you want.”

  “I’d love it!” Malcolm jumped up and did a little dance with the baby, favoring his right shoulder as he had since the bear attack the previous year. “It’s going to be great!” Stephanie chose that moment to lose the rest of her dinner. Karissa tossed him a new cloth, since the one she had used a few minutes before was wet.

  “Yuck,” Malcolm said, mopping his shirt. “Why did you do that to your old dad?”

  “I think we’ll both have to get used to it,” Karissa sighed.

  Malcolm eyes shone, and Karissa knew he didn’t mind. He loved Stephanie no matter what she did. Karissa felt happier than she had felt in a long time.

  Only Malcolm’s renewed interest in the Church threatened Karissa. Over the past months, as his devotion to the Church deepened, Karissa’s resistance to it had increased. She felt as if he were being ripped away from her and taken to a place where she could not follow. But today they were joined by their love for their daughter and their excitement over the film Malcolm would make. He put his arm around her, and she leaned her head against his shoulder, feeling closer to him than she had ever felt.

  Then Malcolm glanced at his watch. “Oops, I’ve got to get going. I have home teaching in a few minutes.” He handed the baby back to his wife, kissed her, and rose from the couch, leaving Karissa to stare after him.

  * * * * *

  When Stephanie was ten days old, Karissa took her in for a checkup with Dr. Fairfax. His eyebrows drew together anxiously. “She seems healthy,” he said. “But she hasn’t gained any weight. In fact, she’s lost six ounces since birth.”

  “Don’t all babies lose some weight?” Karissa asked.

  “That’s true, but she should be gaining again by now.”

  “Well, she’s been throwing up some, but I didn’t imagine it was too much.”

  Dr. Fairfax met Karissa’s steady gaze. “Now, you know I’m a big advocate for breast feeding, but some babies take a little longer than others to catch on. I want you to supplement two bottles a day until she starts gaining weight. And I want to see her again in two days. It’s a Saturday, but I’ll be here seeing some other patients. We don’t want to take any chances.”

  “Thank you,” Karissa mumbled.

  During the next two days, Stephanie began to throw up a short time after each feeding. It was so much that Karissa would have to change the baby’s clothes, and often her own as well. Malcolm was working, but every few hours he called to see how Stephanie was doing.

  “She still hasn’t gained any weight,” Dr. Fairfax said at the next visit. Stephanie was twelve days old and weighed six and a half pounds, still six ounces less than she had at birth. “I think we’d better go strictly to formula,” he said. “Maybe she’s allergic to something in your milk. I’ll want to see you in another two days.”

  Karissa felt as if her heart would break.

  Dr. Fairfax touched her arm. “She still seems healthy. We’ll get through this.” His words hadn’t calmed Karissa’s heart, but his manner had. Whatever was wrong with her daughter, they would find and fix it.

  Stephanie continued to throw up the formula a half hour to two hours after eating. Karissa experimented with every formula on the market, and even with fresh milk from Maggie’s goat, but Stephanie’s stomach rejected everything. Afterwards she would begin crying, a thin, wailing sound that ate at Karissa’s heart.

  “I’m so sorry, Steph,” Karissa whispered.

  The night before they were to return to the doctor, Malcolm rubbed Karissa’s back as they sat together on their bed, a thick towel between them for the inevitable loss of milk from their daughter’s stomach.

  Karissa felt the tears slide down her face. “I feel so bad for her, not having anyth
ing in her tummy. She doesn’t know that life isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s supposed to be better.”

  “Let’s pray,” Malcolm suggested.

  They prayed together, more fervently than they ever had before. Surely God would heal their baby.

  At fourteen days, Stephanie had lost two more ounces. Since she didn’t keep down the formula any better, Karissa began to nurse her again, feeling some relief that her milk had not been causing the problem. The lactation consultant at the hospital began working with Karissa to single out a possible allergy Stephanie might have to something in both Karissa’s milk and the formulas. They began by cutting out all dairy products in Karissa’s diet.

  “I’ll be honest with you, Karissa,” Dr. Fairfax said. “I don’t know what’s causing this, but if she loses any more weight I’m going to have to admit her to the hospital. For now, try to give her small amounts of milk many times during the day. Perhaps that will help. The important thing is to make sure she doesn’t become dehydrated.”

  Karissa drove slowly away from the doctor’s office. It was mid-April now, and the snow was nearly melted by the continuous rains. Karissa remembered how at this time last year she and Malcolm had gone to see the fertility doctor, and how envious she’d been of Brionney’s daughters. It seemed like a long time ago.

  Tears flooded her eyes, dropping from her face and soaking into her jeans. She pulled off the road a few minutes from Dell Flats and put her head in her hands. “Oh, Stephanie,” she murmured.

  When she was sixteen and had thought that Tyler might marry her and take her away from her life, Karissa had picked out a name for their baby. Stephanie had been her choice. She’d always wanted a little girl to dress up and to put bows in her hair.

  Heat rushed to Karissa’s face. What had she been thinking? That first Stephanie was gone, and naming this precious new soul after that old dream couldn’t bring her back. What’s more, Karissa was losing this Stephanie, too.

  The baby woke up now that the movement of the car had stopped, and she began crying in a voice that seemed to accuse Karissa. “Dear God,” Karissa prayed aloud, “it’s not her fault. Please help her!”