Tomorrow and Always

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  Stephanie cried most of the last twenty minutes to the house, stopping when Karissa took her out of the car seat. She rooted around, trying to nurse on Karissa’s sweater.

  “Just a minute, Steph.” Karissa fed her daughter, counting the swallows the way the doctor had told her. Ten swallows was approximately an ounce of milk—the small amount she was supposed to give Stephanie at each feeding. But when the ten swallows were up, Stephanie still nursed strongly, fussing when removed, and Karissa didn’t have the heart to stop her. Afterward, the baby was happy and lay contentedly in her mother’s arms while Karissa prayed.

  “Karissa?” Malcolm came in from the garage and found them in the television room. His face was red from the cold, but his grin radiated warmth. “Well?” he asked, reaching for the baby.

  Karissa pushed his hands away. “I just fed her. Don’t jiggle her.”

  The throwing up began suddenly, as it always did, with Stephanie crying between each gush. Karissa held her while Malcolm mopped up the carpet. He slumped down on the sofa, circling his arms around his family.

  “I don’t know what to do,” Karissa murmured. “It’s all my fault.”

  “Don’t say that,” Malcolm ordered gruffly. “It just happened, that’s all. Years from now, we’ll look back on this with a different view.”

  Karissa knew that Malcolm didn’t understand her culpability the way she did, and she was too afraid to tell him the truth. She held her secret inside, feeling alone despite her husband’s presence. Part of her seemed to die each time Stephanie threw up.

  That evening, Malcolm’s mother called and suggested several native herbs that might help. Since Dr. Fairfax didn’t know what caused the problem, Karissa was willing to try anything.

  “Has Stephanie received a blessing?” Faith asked.

  Karissa blinked. “No.”

  “Then get her one.”

  “Why didn’t I think of that?” Malcolm fumed aloud. “I know better now.”

  Karissa knew they had been so busy trying to save Steph that they hadn’t thought of the religion that had been of so little importance in their life together. Malcolm called Jud Kennedy, and they gave Stephanie a blessing. This time Karissa didn’t resent the religious interference, but prayed fervently for the Lord to hear their prayer.

  Two days later, Karissa returned to see Dr. Fairfax. “How is she?” he asked.

  “She’s keeping down about every other meal.” Karissa knew the hope showed clearly in her face.

  “Five ounces. She’s gained five ounces!” Dr. Fairfax smiled. “It looks like whatever we’re doing is starting to work.”

  Could it have been the blessing? Karissa didn’t know or care; it didn’t matter as long as Stephanie was going to be all right.

  “Let’s see,” Dr. Fairfax said. “Today is Thursday. Why don’t you bring her back on Monday, and we’ll see how she is.”

  That night, after putting the sleeping Stephanie in the crib Malcolm had made for her, Karissa curled up in Malcolm’s arms. The crib was in their room so they could hear if the baby needed them.

  “I told you it would be okay,” Malcolm said.

  “We don’t know that yet.”

  His arms tightened. “I think the Lord was testing us. I think He wanted to show you that He could heal her. Maybe He wants you to come back to church.”

  “So He plays games with babies’ lives?” Karissa said, turning her back toward him. “I don’t believe that, Malcolm.”

  “Well, maybe not,” he conceded.

  He continued to hold her rigid body. Finally, Karissa rolled back over and looked at him. “There’s no maybe. Stephanie shouldn’t have to suffer for our sins. You know that.”

  “Will you come back to church with me?” Malcolm stared into her eyes, and she felt trapped. “I want us to go to the temple soon. Now that we’ve quit smoking, there’s nothing holding us back.”

  Karissa stifled a wild urge to laugh. Malcolm was nothing if not persistent, and she didn’t know how much longer she could avoid the issue. “I’ve been through a lot,” she said. “Steph’s only sixteen days old, and I haven’t exactly been getting any sleep. Birth’s hard on a woman, you know. And with Steph’s problem, could you imagine the mess she’d make at church?”

  Remorse bathed his face instantly. He touched her cheek in the lazy way she adored. “I’m sorry. You have been through a lot. I forget that sometimes. You’re a very strong person.”

  “I don’t feel strong.”

  He kissed her brow slowly, working his way down to her neck. “You are, though. And I love you.”

  Karissa settled into the warmth of her husband’s arms, her back cradled against his chest. Maybe returning to church wouldn’t be so bad. Provided Stephanie continues to get better. It was her last thought before sleep took her.

  That night she had the dream. Karissa fed Stephanie and the baby shook her head. “No more. No more.”

  “You have to eat.”

  “You gave me too much. Why did you do that?” Then she was still.

  Karissa awoke and checked on Stephanie. She was sleeping soundly and peacefully. Dear Father, help me! Karissa prayed. Feeling better, she wiped the tears from her cheeks and returned to bed.

  * * * * *

  Little Stephanie threw up only three times in the next two days, and Karissa’s hope grew with each feeding. Her hope turned to agony on Saturday afternoon when her daughter began to throw up almost continuously. Throughout the night and the next day she and Malcolm tended and fed Stephanie, fearing that each episode brought their daughter closer to death. Malcolm didn’t go to church but stayed home to help Karissa.

  Sunday night after Stephanie was finally asleep, Karissa changed her clothes for the sixth time that day. She threw the milk-soaked T-shirt and jeans into the dirty hamper, already full of at least eleven of Stephanie’s tiny outfits—all of which had been clean at the beginning of the day.

  She locked the bathroom door and turned on the shower. Then she sat on the cold tile floor in her underwear and cried, tears flowing from her eyes in an unending stream. Her body felt more weary than she had ever remembered. Her back and arms ached from holding Stephanie, and her legs throbbed from pacing. Inside, her womb felt sore.

  All this pain was nothing compared to the agony in her soul. What if Steph died from losing so much weight? Or from dehydration? What if she had some awful disease that the doctor had missed with all his tests? What if it was something not yet discovered? Something horrible and deadly? Her shoulders convulsed violently as she sobbed out her fear.

  Worst of all, Karissa knew that she deserved the pain. But not Stephanie. Never her precious Steph. When would it all end?

  Chapter Twenty

  Monday, after a long, sleepless night, Karissa went to the Nissan and settled Stephanie in the car seat. The baby opened her eyes for a moment, and her little hands moved erratically in the air. Karissa sat beside her, smoothing the dark hair on her head. “It’s okay, Steph. I promise.” She knew the words meant nothing, but the baby slept again.

  Malcolm’s face creased in a worried scowl as he drove them to the doctor’s office. Karissa said nothing to him. She wished she could cry to let out some of her terror, but after last night there were no tears left.

  Dr. Fairfax examined Stephanie almost immediately. “We’re going to have to admit her. She’s becoming dehydrated. We’ll get her an IV and that should help.”

  Karissa nodded stoically, grateful that at last something was being done.

  Malcolm’s jaw dropped, then closed with a snap. “You can’t admit her,” he protested. “She needs to be with her family. She has to be all right. The Lord will heal her.”

  Dr. Fairfax shook his head. “She’s too bad off not to be admitted. She’s lost too much weight.”

  “But what’s wrong?” Karissa asked. “Why can’t anyone tell us what’s wrong?” She started to cry, and some distant part of her wondered where the new tears came from. An ugly, painful knot f
ormed in her stomach.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong,” said Dr. Fairfax gently. “No one does. Right now, I’m going to call Anchorage to see if they have a bed for Stephanie. We’re simply not equipped on Kodiak for this situation. It’s too severe.”

  “What about calling in a specialist?”

  Dr. Fairfax shook his head. “This is too serious to wait for such an opportunity. You’ll have to go to him.”

  They sat in silence until the doctor returned. “They have no beds,” he said. “We’ll have to keep her in the hospital here until something comes up.”

  “What about the other hospitals?” Karissa said. She desperately tried to act like an administrator instead of a frantic mother. Many times she had faced and solved similar crises. Of course, the difference this time was that it was her life that would be affected.

  “I’ll keep checking.” The determined way Dr. Fairfax spoke renewed the fear in her heart.

  “What about Lucy?” Malcolm asked.

  Karissa snapped her fingers. “I’ll put her on it.” Technically, Lucy wasn’t her secretary anymore—or at least for the six months Karissa was taking off as director of the hospital—but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t help.

  “I’ll talk to her,” Dr. Fairfax said. “You take Steph over to the hospital. I’ve ordered another urinalysis, a culture, and an upper GI series. That will get us on our way. I’ll be there before the tests are finished.”

  At the hospital, Stephanie cried with all her frail strength when the nurse inserted the catheter. As there was so little fluid in Steph’s stomach to begin with, there was no urine to collect, and they had to wait for her bladder to fill. It took a long time. Karissa tried to feed her to help the process along, but Stephanie refused. She lay weakly in Karissa’s arms, her skin sagging loosely on her body, making her appear unnatural. The stark realization came to Karissa that there was absolutely nothing she could do for her baby, and she had never felt so utterly helpless. When she could finally bear no more, a welcome numbness spread over her heart and mind, dulling the terrible guilt and sorrow.

  “We’re done here,” the nurse announced much later.

  Karissa cuddled Stephanie to her chest and began to leave the room with Malcolm.

  “You’re not taking that baby anywhere,” the nurse said tersely.

  Karissa’s eyes flicked to the woman’s name tag. Didn’t she know who Karissa was? “My child is being admitted,” she returned icily. “You don’t have to act like I’m doing something wrong by holding her.” There was a deep fear inside of Karissa that they would take her baby away and she would never see her again. It had happened once. Of course, that time she had signed the papers permitting the procedure.

  The doctor came in and waved the nurse away. “Still no bed in Anchorage,” he said. “But at least with an IV, she’ll get the water and food she needs.”

  “How long will it be before we know about the bed?” Malcolm asked. His face had lost much of his color, and he looked as scared as Karissa felt.

  “Damon,” Karissa said abruptly. “He’ll be able to help. He knows people.”

  Malcolm’s face darkened. “So do you, for crying out loud! You talk to the directors at the other hospitals, don’t you?”

  Karissa whirled, letting her frustration tear into him. “I’ve been a little busy, if you haven’t noticed!”

  He stared, but slowly began to nod. “Okay, call him.”

  “Stay with Stephanie?” Karissa asked. “Please? I don’t want her to be alone.”

  “Of course I’ll stay. She’s my daughter, too.”

  Relief flooded Karissa. At that moment, she couldn’t face seeing Steph in any more pain. She needed to escape, if only briefly. She quickly called Damon, but his secretary answered so she left a message. Then she dialed his home phone—to no avail. He probably had a cell phone, but she’d never needed to call it. Finally, she called Brionney’s number in Anchorage.

  “Karissa!” Brionney sounded happy to hear from her. “I’ve been going to call you, but these twins are keeping me busy. How are things going with Stephanie? I bet she’s growing like a weed. You’ll have to send me a new picture.”

  “She’s not growing,” Karissa said.

  There was a shocked pause. “What’s going on?” Brionney asked slowly.

  “Steph isn’t keeping her milk down. The doctors here don’t know what’s going on.”

  “Oh, Karissa, I’m so sorry! Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I thought it would go away, or fix itself. Dr. Fairfax hoped it would. He thought at first that she just had a tender stomach or something. Maybe an allergy. But now he thinks it’s something more serious. They’re putting her on an IV now.”

  “I’m so very sorry, Karissa. What can I do? I could fly out and stay with you.”

  “No,” Karissa said. “You couldn’t do anything that we’re not doing now. But thanks anyway. I do need to know if you know where Damon is. He’s not at home or at his office.”

  “He’s with Jesse. They went somewhere. Business.”

  “If you see him before I catch him myself, can you tell him to call me?”

  “Sure, but Karissa . . .”

  She thought Brionney’s voice sounded uneasy, but maybe it was just the long distance between them. “Yes?”

  “If you don’t mind my asking, why do you need Damon?”

  “To help find a good hospital for her. So far we can’t find a bed at the pediatric hospital. Damon’s been here a lot longer than I have; he’ll know what strings to pull and who’s the best out there to take care of Steph.”

  “Oh. All right. That makes sense.”

  Karissa hung up, wondering at Brionney’s reluctance. What did she think Karissa wanted with Damon? Shrugging off the thought, she went to find where they had put Stephanie.

  “We have a private room—for now,” Malcolm said, looking up from an easy chair and smiling weakly. Stephanie was asleep on her father’s chest, but her eyes fluttered at his voice. A portable metal crib stood nearby.

  “Did she cry when they put the needle in?” Karissa asked, glancing at the IV in her daughter’s small arm and then back to Malcolm.

  He didn’t meet her gaze. “Yes. I’m glad you weren’t here to see it.”

  “I shouldn’t have left her.” Karissa smoothed Stephanie’s dark hair.

  “I held her,” Malcolm said. “I took care of her.”

  Of course he had. “I’m sorry.” She blinked back tears. “I know I couldn’t have done any better.”

  “So what did Damon say?”

  “I couldn’t reach him. I left a few messages, though.”

  Malcolm jerked his chin toward the rocking chair next to him. “Have a seat.”

  Karissa shook her head and slumped on the arm of his chair. “I need to be closer to her.”

  He nodded, and after a few minutes said, “What will we do next?”

  “We wait. There’s nothing to do but wait.”

  They took turns holding Stephanie, feeding her occasionally and cleaning up after her. Karissa was glad the other beds in the room were vacant, giving them privacy to deal with their daughter. Minutes ticked painfully into hours.

  Well into the afternoon, a nurse stuck her head in the door. “There’s a phone call for you, Mrs. Mathees. He wanted me to make sure you were here. I’ll have it transferred.”

  Karissa glanced briefly at Malcolm’s unreadable features before rushing to the phone. It rang, and she picked it up.

  “Hello?” Karissa said.

  “Kar, it’s me, Damon.” His voice was intense.

  She felt a rush of relief. “Thank Heaven! I need to talk with you.”

  “I know. Brionney told me. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier.”

  “That’s all right. You couldn’t have known. It’s Stephanie, she—”

  “I’ve talked to Dr. Fairfax,” he interrupted. “I’ve found a bed for Steph at a hospital here that has a great pediatric department. Th
ey have a doctor there, Robert Schmidt, who is one of the best pediatric doctors in Anchorage, and possibly in the entire United States. They’re waiting for you now. I’ll meet you at the airport on this side with an ambulance.”

  Tears stung at Karissa’s eyes. “Thanks so much, Damon.”

  “It’s nothing. I’m always going to be here for you.” His voice sounded strangely gruff. “Now hang up and get down to the airport. I’ve already told them you’re coming.”

  * * * * *

  Malcolm contemplated Karissa’s face during the flight to Anchorage. She looked more weary than he’d ever seen her. On her lap she held Stephanie, staring at her as if afraid to look away. In the next seat, a nurse from the hospital checked the baby’s IV.

  He worried about Karissa. There was an undeniable connection between her and their daughter. As much as he feared losing Stephanie, he thought he could eventually come to terms with her loss. But not if Karissa followed her; he couldn’t lose them both.

  As promised, Damon met them at the airport after the hour-long flight. He was only slightly shorter than Malcolm, and his blonde head was visible above the small crowd. “Kar, this way!” he called. Karissa waved and turned in his direction.

  Malcolm hated the familiar way he addressed Karissa, though he admitted to himself that the man had done nothing to evoke his suspicions during the past months.

  “The ambulance is over here,” Damon said. “I’ll follow you in my car.” Next to the ambulance, Malcolm noticed a dark blue Mercedes.

  Karissa refused to relinquish the baby to anyone in the ambulance but continued to hold her. On the way to the hospital Stephanie cried, and Malcolm and Karissa tried uselessly to comfort her. The ambulance driver drove rapidly through town in the failing light, plowing headlong through the melting snow. Where had the day gone? thought Malcolm.

  “You’ll like Robert Schmidt. He’s a good man,” Damon said when they arrived. He talked easily, and his words seemed to soothe Karissa’s nerves. Malcolm sized up the blonde man with the odd yellow-brown eyes, finding it difficult not to like him.