Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Does he know how you got the scars?”

  I shake my head. “And I’d appreciate if you didn’t mention anything.”

  “And give the guy ideas? No way.”

  “You’re worried he’s like Christopher?” I’m surprised because Elliot doesn’t give that vibe off at all. He’s the complete opposite to Christopher—quietly confident instead of brazen and cocky. It’s what I like about him.

  “I’m going to be worried about every guy you’re ever alone with. I’m worried that if you go out with this guy in secret, I won’t know where you are to get you out this time.” He looks at me intently, and I can see the pain of those memories in his eyes. “I want to protect you, Trina. I don’t know what I’d do if you were hurt again.” He takes my hand and turns it in his lap tracing his fingers over my scars, speaking to me softly. “What if something like this happens? What if you’re not so lucky next time?”

  “David,” I whisper.

  “Let me finish. I’m happy you feel ready to move on. But does it have to be with him? This secrecy thing doesn’t sit right with me and... and seeing you with him last night, well, it felt wrong. I didn’t like it.”

  “I understand.” Giving his hand a squeeze, I pull free from his grip and stand up. Hearing his worries means I can offer him a solution and we can get back to training. “I’ll tell you what. Every time I go somewhere with him, I’ll turn on active location so you know where I am. Will that make you feel better?”

  Breaking a piece of grass between his fingers, he throws the pieces on the ground in front of him and looks up at me, squinting slightly in the sunlight. “What if I asked you not to see him?”

  I pull my head back in surprise. “You’d really ask that of me?”

  “Would you do it?” he counters.

  A burst of air leaves my lungs and I shake my head. “He’s nothing like Christopher, David. And we click. I feel safe with him.”

  “Safe? Did you feel unsafe with Christopher in the beginning?”

  “No. But it was different. Christopher was too good, too charming. Elliot is… he’s raw. He’s the way I think you’d be if you weren’t so angry at your dad.”

  “Don’t throw that in my face.”

  “I’m not trying to. I’m just being honest. You’re my best friend. Nothing will change that. Can’t you just be happy for me? I’m moving on like everyone wanted.”

  Shaking his head, he stands and picks up his bike. “It’s your life. Do whatever you want. But I’m not going to be the third wheel in your relationship this time. I won’t fight some guy so I can spend time with you. I’ve been there, and I’m done with that.”

  “What the fuck, David? How many women have I had to stand aside for? How many times have you ignored me to go off and fuck some random who never wanted me around? I have had two serious boyfriends. Three if you count Ben. And I never ignored you. I never made you feel like you weren’t wanted.”

  “You think I’d choose any one of those girls over you?” He shakes his head. “Never. If you’d asked me to stop seeing someone—anyone. I’d drop them in a heartbeat. Hell, there have been times you’ve needed me when I was in the middle of something, and I up and left. For you. You are my number one. No one else.”

  “That’s the problem, David. You call me that, but I’m not your number one. When you want me to live as a nun waiting around while you run off fucking everything else, I’m not even number two. I’m something else entirely.”

  “Is that what you want? You want me to fuck you?”

  I take a step back. “That’s not what I said.”

  “It’s what I heard.” He holds his hands out to the side. “Let’s go, Trina. Let’s fuck so you can finally feel as important as you need to.”

  My stomach twists. “Stop it.”

  “What’s the problem? Is my dick too used for you? Is this not the romantic proclamation of love you hoped for? Tell me, because I want to know: how do I make you feel like my world, Trina? How do I make you understand that no one else matters? Being by your side for the last eleven years hasn’t cut it. I’m at a fucking loss here.”

  I blink away my tears. “I think you need to go.” My voice shakes as I wrap my arm around my middle. Why is he doing this? Twisting the knife in my already scarred heart? My tears fall.

  “Fuck.” He rakes his hand through his hair. “Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  I can’t even look at him. “Just go. Please.”

  He holds his hands out in a plea. “Trina.”

  “Go. I want to be alone.”

  “Shit.” He gets on his bike and puts his helmet back on his head. “Will you be OK by yourself?”

  Pressing my lips together before I say something to make this even worse, I tighten my arms across my chest, nodding almost imperceptibly, both stung and confronted by his words.

  “Please believe me when I say I didn’t mean any of that.”

  I nod again, holding my sobs as a knot in my chest. How could he not? He just took the one thing he’s denied me all these years, sharpened its edges and cut me with it. David is many things. But I never thought he was cruel.

  “I’ll call you later. OK?”

  Another nod. I turn away, knowing that if he doesn’t leave soon I’m going to burst into tears. I’m thankful when he pushes off with a sigh and heads for home.

  I let a single sob escape my chest as I watch his form grow smaller, sucking in huge lungfuls of air until I can breathe again without crying. How could he say those things to me? How could he throw that in my face when he knows I’ve always wanted more from him? Knows I would be with him if he gave me that option. He chose this. He drew big thick borders around our friendship, separating us from becoming anything more. He made us everything a couple was—minus the intimacy. And I went along with it because I loved him in all the ways you can love another person. I loved him so much I was willing to have him in my life, however it pleased him, just as long as he was here. And I accepted that we’d never be more. I pushed my longing deep down into the depths of my soul so I could love him without wanting him, and it was hard. It’s still hard. Every time I see him it’s hard. But I accept the man for who he is, accept my role in his life as his best friend. And I need him to accept his role in mine. I know my relationship with Christopher was hard on him. I know he’s scared of seeing me hurt again. But I can’t give up on finding happiness because he’s afraid. Short of never dating again, I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m just… I’m hurt.

  Nine

  With my phone switched off, and a white lie about feeling sick, I successfully avoided David for the rest of the weekend. Even when the gentle taps on my window woke me during the night, I remained quiet and unresponsive. I couldn’t get up and let him inside my room like I had so many times before, couldn’t lie in his arms and share a bed with him while we whispered into the night, platonically. Always platonically. I needed some of my own boundaries for a change. And this was one of them.

  His words cut me deeper than the glass that scared my skin. He got me right to my core in the most vicious way possible. I needed some time to myself.

  On Monday morning, I’m still not ready to see him so I catch the earlier train to work. The place is eerily quiet save for the gentle clacking of the keys on Bianca’s keyboard. She pauses her typing as I pass, a smug smile curving her plum coloured lips. I don’t have the energy to battle her, so I just smile and wish her a good morning.

  The moment I reach the library, Kayley races over and follows me to my desk. “Oh my god, oh my god! I can’t believe you kissed Elliot on Friday night.” She squeals and I drop my bag into my desk drawer with a sigh. It’s funny how something wonderful can be quickly overshadowed by something painful. I’ve already lost the heart full of hope I’d discovered through Elliot. It leaked from the wound David’s harsh words delivered.

  Kayley doesn’t seem to notice my lack of enthusiasm and clasps her hands together. “You, my dear f
riend, are my new hero. Although, I have to say you upset my cousin by rushing off like that. But, I’ll forgive you if you give me all the details.” She grabs one of the library chairs and wheels it over to sit next to my desk, looking at me expectantly.

  I can’t help but laugh at her wide-eyed, awe-filled expression. But I’m not sure what to tell her. I don’t even know how I feel about things anymore. “I don’t remember much. I’d had a few drinks by then.”

  “What?” She scrunches her face and sits back in her chair. “Are you telling me you got the glorious Elliot Roberts to lock lips with you and that’s all you have to say about it?”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to tell you.”

  She folds her arms. “That’s bullshit you don’t remember. Just tell me it was hot. It’s all I need, and I promise not to breathe a word to anyone.” She places a hand on her heart, a solemn expression on her face.

  I sigh, looking around to make sure no one is within earshot before I concede. “It was hot.”

  That small admittance causes her to squeal and bounce on her chair happily. “I knew it. Please tell me you’re dating him now. Someone in this place has to, and I would just love to see the look on Beth’s face when Bianca tells her.”

  “Sorry but no. I’m not dating him. It was a mistake. A drunken mistake. It can’t happen again.” When I deny my involvement with Elliot, it’s because I’m in the office and don’t want to fuel gossip. But by the time I’m finished, I believe my words to be true. As harsh as David was this weekend, he’s also right. Having a secret relationship with a guy I work with is a stupid idea. I need to stop it before it goes any further and messes my whole life up.

  “Seriously? One kiss and it’s over?” Well, two. But who’s counting?

  “It’s how it needs to be.”

  Kayley raises her eyebrows as she gets up to move her chair back in place. “I don’t believe you by the way.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “That wasn’t a mistake, Katrina. Look at you: you're beautiful, tall and into sports. Same as him. The way I see it, you two are made for each other.” She turns and walks out the door, heading back to her desk.

  I’m so busy watching Kayley that I don’t notice Priya come in after her. “Katrina, can I see you in my office?” she asks, looking unimpressed.

  Anxiousness fills my head and buzzes in my ears. I nod and look out the window towards Kayley, who pulls her lip to the side in a grimace. Crap.

  I immediately get up and follow Priya out, trying to walk tall and confidant, despite feeling much like a head of cattle being led to slaughter.

  When we arrive at her office, Elliot is already sitting there with his legs crossed ankle to knee, his elbows on the chair arms and his fingers steepled in front of him. Now I understand what Bianca was so happy about this morning.

  I think I see a flicker of a smile pass his lips when he sees me. Although, he sets his face to impassive, eyes following us as we take the other two seats in the room. We’ve been ratted out. That didn’t take long.

  Priya takes her seat and leans her elbows on the desk to begin. “I got an interesting email this morning that said a few of your colleagues witnessed a rather public display of affection between you two.” She eyes us both closely.

  “Between us?” Elliot asks, his thumb pointing from himself to me. “When?” I press my lips together, not trusting myself to say anything.

  “Friday night at Darling Harbour on the wharf outside a club called Pontoon.”

  “Is there proof of this? Or are we going purely on speculation?”

  Priya sighs, and I’m pretty sure she mutters something about ‘bloody lawyers’ under her breath. “The email is quite detailed. I just need to know if it’s true,” she states.

  Elliot and I look at each other then turn back to her and shake our heads. The burden of proof lies with the prosecution. Legal studies 101.

  “Is that a no? Or are you declining to answer? I can always ask around the office, find a few more of these eyewitnesses.” Priya looks at the screen of her computer before eying us both, her gaze lingering on me longer than is comfortable.

  “Go for it,” Elliot says. “Eye witness testimony from a group of intoxicated twenty-year-olds?” He shakes his head. “How reliable could they possibly be? It was dark. They would have been at least fifty metres away. Without photo proof, this is hearsay at best, gossip more likely.”

  Priya presses her lips together. “I don’t hear you denying anything.”

  Elliot uncrosses his legs. “I don’t see you offering any evidence.”

  I can see why Elliot was chosen by the firm. He has skills—even if he doesn’t get to use them often.

  Giving up on Elliot, Priya shifts her attention to me. “You’re new here, Katrina. And I can understand that a new job can be overwhelming and slip-ups are made. Especially when alcohol is involved. I think I can let this go if you can give me a straight answer and promise this is the end of it.”

  I take a deep breath, feeling Elliot’s eyes on me. Like every tiny lie that’s come before, this one slips easily from my lips. “There’s nothing to tell.”

  Priya purses her lips as she sits back in her chair. “I’m not entirely convinced, but without proof or an admission, there’s not a lot I can do. You can go.”

  “Thank you, Priya,” I mutter, my palms sweating against my thighs.

  She nods. “Just consider this a warning. We take our office policies seriously, and you both agreed to abide by them when you signed your contracts. If I receive proof you two are dating, there won’t be another chance. You will both lose your positions.” She looks at Elliot. “And I don’t care who your father is.”

  “Understood. Thank you, Priya.” Elliot nods politely as he stands to leave. Gesturing for me to walk out the door before him. I can’t even look at him. I just duck my head and practically run back to the library and the safety of my little desk.

  “What did she want?” For the second time today, Kayley rushes in for some gossip. “Was Elliot in there with you?”

  I don’t bother lying. “I think Bianca dobbed us in for Friday night.”

  “Oh no. Are you in trouble?”

  “No. We denied everything. Elliot went all lawyer on her and demanded she show proof. Since she had nothing more than the email reporting us, she just reminded us of the policy and let us go.”

  “You’ll have to be more careful. If I hear anything, I’ll do my best to redirect the conversation. Insist there’s nothing going on. You know, since I’m your best friend here and all.”

  With a chuckle, I power up my computer. “I appreciate that, Kayley. But there really is nothing going on. I promise.”

  Offering a conspiratorial smile, she winks. “Exactly. That’s what I’ll say too.”

  I roll my eyes and laugh as she heads back to her desk, her ponytail flicking from side-to-side as she walks. My best friend in the office? Weird. I’ve never had a female best friend before. Are you even supposed to rank your friends once you hit twenty? I haven’t got a clue.

  While I’m still smiling to myself over Kayley, my internal line rings.

  “Library, Katrina speaking,” I say into the handset.

  “You didn’t call. You didn’t text.” Elliot’s voice rumbles down the line, sending delicious little ripples racing beneath my skin. “If I was any other guy, I might think you weren’t interested anymore.”

  I look around the room to make sure I’m alone before I say, “Are you insane? Can’t they track who’s calling whom?”

  “Probably. But I’ll keep it brief and we can say I needed a book.”

  “Do you?”

  “Who knows? I’m sure there’s something boring in my tray that requires me reading an entire act from front to back.”

  “Being a lawyer isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, huh?”

  He sighs. “Not in the beginning, anyway. And you’re avoiding my question.”

  “You asked one?”r />
  “Why didn’t you call me this weekend?”

  “Did you call me?”

  “You’re avoiding.” I can actually hear the smile in his voice. “And yes, I did. Several times. Possibly forty-eight times. But who’s counting?”

  I place my fingers over my mouth as I laugh. “My phone was switched off. I needed some time to… process, I guess.” And lick my wounds over my fight with David.

  “Second thoughts?”

  “After this morning? Definitely.”

  “Let me take you out for a drink tonight. We can discuss your concerns.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Besides, I have training.”

  “Wednesday then? We can argue over the terms, establish boundaries, plan this out so we both get what we want with minimal risk.”

  “You sound just like a lawyer.”

  “I’m told it’s in my blood.” I hear his intake of breath as he pauses. “Say yes.”

  Closing my eyes, I squash down my nerves, push away the fear-filled thoughts in my mind and focus on my breath, on the way I feel when I’m around him, on the sliver of hope I have remaining in my heart. I’ve spent the entire weekend as an emotional wreck after my fight with David, and just listening to Elliot over the phone has me smiling again. I want to take this risk with him.

  Taking a deep breath, I let it out again before I nod. “One drink.”

  “I’ll let you know when and where,” he says, a smile in his voice as he disconnects then a request for a book comes through asking for the Australian Indigenous Law Review, Vol 18.

  I pull out my phone and power it up, ignoring the incoming notifications as I select Elliot’s number and sent him a text.

  Do you seriously need that book?

  Sure do, he replies immediately.

  Finding it on the shelf, I print out the receipt and mark it ready to collect. Beth will most likely come and get it shortly.