Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  Deciding I don’t want to be sitting in the library waiting for that confrontation, I grab my phone and take it to the bathroom, locking myself in the stall while I scroll through my weekend’s worth of notifications. Most of them are from David, a lot of from Elliot. There aren’t forty-eight, but there are a fair few. I feel kinda bad for leaving him hanging like that.

  Most of David’s messages are in the form of an apology or a plea for me to call him or let him come see me. Eleven years, Trina. I messed up. Please talk to me.

  Opening the reply box, my thumbs hover over my screen as I try to come up with something I can say to express what I’m feeling right now. I don’t want to push David out of my life. But I do need a break.

  I’m hurt. I need time, I message back.

  I’ve barely sent the message before my screen lights up with a call. My heart jumps into my throat and my eyes burn as a smiling picture of David fills the screen. I hit decline.

  A moment later, a message comes through. OK.

  David’s and my lives are so intertwined that it’s hard to avoid him. He’s everywhere I normally am, and I have to make adjustments to my schedule to keep that distance I need. At uni, I arrive late and sit close to the exit so I can be the first one out. Travelling to work, I catch a different morning train and leave a little earlier in the afternoon. It’s crazy and if I’m honest, it’s a little lonely. But I need to figure out where my head’s at. I can’t face him when I’m hurting like this. Every time I consider it I almost burst into tears. I’m a mess.

  My arrival at work on Wednesday morning is met with a look of surprise on Bianca’s perfect face. I can’t help but smirk as she almost chokes on her sweet-smelling coffee. She probably expected I got fired over that email. I smile, glad she didn’t get the satisfaction, offering a polite finger wave as I head past her towards my desk.

  As I move around the library, replacing books left about, I’m hoping that the workplace interest in Elliot’s and my relationship status has died down enough not to cause me any more drama. I need to venture out of the library and take the new law magazines to his office, and I’m not keen on doing it to a chorus of whispers. It was so awful on Monday that I barely left the library at all, Kayley bringing me coffee so I could hide out during morning tea. It was insane how similar a large firm was to high school, all the groups and petty backstabbing games were the same.

  Taking a deep breath, I put on my big girl pants and walk confidently over to Elliot’s office, determined to behave as professionally as possible. With Beth in the cubicle outside his door, I smile and show her the magazines.

  “He’s on the phone. But you can put it on his desk.” There’s no smile or fake platitudes from her. Just cold indifference and a calm façade. Better than nothing.

  “Thanks,” I say, continuing through.

  Pushing his door open, I tap on the frame and wait for him to notice me. Wearing a sky blue dress shirt and maroon tie, he looks commanding from his high-backed office chair as he taps his fingers on his wooden desk, listening to his caller. “That precedent won’t stand,” he says. “No. It predates the one I provided you.” During the pause in his side of the conversation he smiles, mouthing ‘hi' before gesturing me inside. I marvel that a simple smile from him can send my stomach excitedly flipping around inside my body. He could be the salve I need right now.

  Moving to the other side of his desk, I hold up the law journals, and he points to his 'in' tray. Dropping them on top of the pile, I step back to leave him to it, stopping when he holds up his hand and signals for me to wait while he scribbles something down on a Post-It note then hands it to me.

  Star City Sports Bar 6:30pm? After reading it, I nod my agreement before folding it and tucking it inside my pocket.

  As I walk back, Carl is wheeling a heavily laden trolley down the hallway. “Hey, new girl,” he says, smiling when he sees me.

  “Hi Carl. How’s it going?” I stop beside him for a moment.

  “I was about to ask you the same thing. You’re the topic of the week, I hear.”

  “I was hoping that had died down already.”

  He laughs. “A promising young solicitor and the new girl busted for fraternising? No way, that stuff is gold. I was inside on Friday night, so I missed the show. Heard it was hot though.”

  I flush a little. I hate that people I don’t even know are talking about me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yeah, that’s what they all say. Just watch yourself, OK. I’ve been privy to some bitchy conversations. I don’t think the other girls are taking it very well.”

  I smile and place a friendly hand on his arm. “Thanks for letting me know.”

  I pat him on the back and return to my desk where my internal line is already ringing. “Library. Katrina speaking.”

  “Hey, sorry I was on the phone.” Elliot’s baritone rumbles through the line, caressing me in places it shouldn’t be over the phone.

  “Don’t sweat it. We can’t talk here, anyway. I think we’re being watched fairly closely right now.”

  “Probably. You look hot today,” he whispers into the receiver.

  I blush and lower my voice to a murmur. “Thank you. You're not so bad yourself.”

  I practically hear him smiling. “Are you running today?”

  “I am.”

  “Want some company?”

  I smile. “I wouldn’t say no.”

  “I’ve been dying to get you alone for days.”

  “The running track is hardly deserted.”

  “You know what I mean. Away from here.”

  “Yeah, I get it. I’ll meet you there?”

  “Sure, same place as last time.”

  We disconnect, and I work through until morning tea time, feeling a little nervous about facing everyone after the conversation I had with Carl, but knowing I can’t hide in the library forever.

  When I enter the break room, there are a few murmurs and stares as I line up to get my coffee. I nod hi to Kayley, who’s already seated with Anne and Jo, waving me over to join them.

  “Bring biscuits,” she calls out.

  With my coffee and a plate of Arnotts Nice in hand, I head for the table, keeping my eyes forward and trying to ignore the sounds of mine and Elliot’s names mentioned together. You can do this. It’s not the first time I’ve been the subject of gossip. Head held high.

  In my periphery, I spot Bianca entering the break room and heading towards me. For some reason, I don’t think much of it. I just think she’s in here getting her tea or coffee like the rest of us, and do my best to pretend she isn’t there. A hard thing to do when she walks directly at me, blatantly knocking her shoulder into mine. Biscuits shoot through the air. Coffee sloshes over my hand, dribbling all over my skirt. “Ow.”

  “Watch where you’re walking,” Bianca spits, moving straight past me, to join her friend in line.

  Mother fucker. Clenching my jaw, I bite back a retort, choosing to ignore her behaviour as I grab some paper towel and clean myself as best as I can. I’m thankful I at least had the foresight to wear dark colours today.

  “Are you OK?” Kayley rushes to my side as Jo and Anne clean up the broken biscuits and Albina collects some more.

  “I hear coffee is the latest in body spray scents, so yeah, I’m fine,” I joke. We giggle a touch and she grabs me a fresh coffee before we take our seats with the others. “I feel like I’m watching Mean Girls,” Jo says, biting into a biscuit. “I’ve never seen everyone this crazy before.”

  Albina raises her eyebrows. “Looks like you’re public enemy number one at the moment. Bianca and Beth are on a rampage.”

  Anne leans in to talk quietly. “You should have heard Bianca yesterday. She was telling everyone she got you fired.”

  “Well, she tried,” I say. “But there wasn’t any proof.”

  “But people saw,” Albina says. “Kayley and Connor saw. You can’t deny it.”

  “You know what,” Kayley
says. “I was drinking, and it was dark. I don’t know what I saw.”

  I smile gratefully at her then sigh. “I don’t know why everyone’s making a big deal out of it. I’ve known the guy for a week.”

  “Yeah and in that week you had your legs around his waist on a public wharf,” Albina counters.

  I really don’t think anything I say will convince them there’s nothing between Elliot and me. So I stand to take what’s left of my coffee to my desk instead. “Don’t go,” Anne says. “We’re just talking.”

  “We’ll even change the topic,” Kayley says. But I make my excuses anyway, needing to escape the tense air.

  As I’m leaving, I overhear Bianca. “Maybe he’s into boys, and that’s why.” Unable to stop myself, I spin around to give her a piece of my mind, hating the snide giggles from the girls she’s with. This is Cassie all over again.

  When I open my mouth to speak, Bianca gets in first. “Are you going to go cut yourself now?”

  The hatred I feel for her in this moment can be heard crackling through the air. I want to hurt her. I want to slap that smug face of hers so hard she goes cross-eyed. But that would only make me look bad.

  Digging deep, I shut my mouth and spin on my heel, getting out of there. This isn’t worth it. I need this to stop.

  When I get back to my desk I’m shaking, my face burning hot with humiliation while I pace the floor, raking my fingers through my hair. I can’t do this. With fumbling fingers, I grab the office phone and put a call through to Elliot. He picks up on the second ring. “Elliot Roberts.”

  “It’s me.”

  “Hey, you. What’s up?”

  “I don’t think we should train together.” I’m a coward. I’m a scared little coward.

  “What? Why?”

  “I think it would be a mistake to be seen together.”

  “Are you backing out on me?”

  I sigh, not knowing what I’m doing. I’m torn. And this feels too risky. “Can we just cool it, please? I have all this animosity directed at me and I need to take a step back until it calms down.”

  He’s silent for a moment. “Until what calms down?”

  “Do you seriously have no clue about the gossip spreading through the office?”

  “I don’t listen to it.”

  “Well, you might want to this time. It’s all about you and me on that wharf. And it’s gonna get us both fired.”

  I hear him sigh as his chair creaks over the phone. “There’s something I need to do.” He disconnects abruptly and I look at the phone, a pain in my chest as I try to piece together this mess of a life around me. One week. One week out in the world on my own and I’m fucking everything up. I’m not equipped to deal with this. I don’t know how to navigate my emotions or fight against nasty women without a certain someone at my side. Call it a crutch. Call it codependency. But there’s only one person who can talk me down from this.

  Pulling my mobile out of my drawer, I unlock the screen then take a deep breath as I type, Can we talk?

  David’s reply is almost immediate. Give me a time and a place and I’m there, baby girl.

  I almost cry. I need my best friend.

  David pulls me into his arms, holding me tight while the city crowd teems around us. “I’m so fucking sorry, Trina,” he murmurs in my hair. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have been avoiding you like that. These past few days…”

  We pull back and our gazes meet, his hand cupping the side of my face. “Were torture,” he finishes for me, and I nod, falling into his arms and trying so hard not to cry. When I’m not close to David, it feels like a part of me is missing.

  “I’ve had the worst morning at work, and I needed you. I hate it when we fight.”

  “Me too.” He takes a deep breath and kisses me on the forehead. “Lucky it doesn’t happen often.”

  I nod again, and we pull apart, linking arms as we walk with the flow of people on the footpath.

  “You hungry?” he asks after a while. “Wanna get something to eat.”

  “Not really. But I’ll eat, anyway. Find somewhere quiet so we can talk.”

  “We can always beg off the rest of the afternoon. Call in with a stomach bug or something?”

  I lean into him as I groan at the thought of walking back into work. “I can’t. It’s like, my fourth day. If I start calling in sick I might never go back there.”

  “Would that be such a bad thing?” he asks, indicating an open restaurant with only a couple of tables occupied.

  “You want me to run away from my problems?”

  We take a seat and a waiter comes by with two menus. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Just water for the table, please,” David says, waiting until the waiter leaves to continue. “It’s not running away when you’re doing it to protect yourself from getting hurt.”

  “But if I leave, she wins. I can’t let her get the better of me.”

  “Wait. She?” David’s brow knits. “What are we talking about here?”

  “Bianca.” I give him a rundown of the fallout from Friday night and our altercation at morning tea this morning. “I told Elliot we need to cool it until things calm down, but I don’t think he’s happy about it.”

  “So, you’re still considering this secret relationship thing with him?”

  “No,” I say adamantly before I wince and add, “Yes. Maybe? I don’t know.”

  David sits back and blows out his breath, taking his hand through his hair like he really wants to say something but won’t.

  “What?” I press, putting my menu down in front of me.

  He shakes his head. “Nothing. I just hope you know what you’re doing. That’s all,” he says.

  “I don’t,” I admit. “But I will be careful. I promise you that.”

  His jaw clenches as he nods slightly, his attention shifting as our waiter returns to take our order. After that, David takes a mouthful of water and sits back in his chair. “I was thinking we could have a do over this weekend? Dinner and a club. Just you and me this time.”

  A little of the tension in my chest easing, I let out my breath. “I’d like that. A lot, actually. But maybe just dinner? I don’t think I’m ready for the club scene just yet.”

  “Dinner it is,” he says, offering me a smile that leaves me wondering how I made it through four days without seeing his face. I need him. When our food arrives, we fall into easy conversation about friends and uni, the focus primarily on our exams, and by the end of my lunch hour I’m feeling normal again. Whole.

  Ten

  “I had a feeling you were taking lunch half an hour early to avoid me.” Elliot falls into step next to me and I almost yelp from the shock.

  “Are you stalking me now?” I ask, maintaining my running speed while glancing up at the clouds. They look set to burst. “Maybe I’m out here early to avoid the rain?”

  “Every day for the last week?” He touches my arm, urging me to stop. “I thought we were friends.”

  I check my watch and shake my head, noting my heart rate is higher than usual. “I don’t know what we are, Elliot. But I do know I need to run. And I know this is all easier when I’m not around you.”

  Taking off down the path again, I’m not surprised when he continues by my side. “You think I’m a complication?”

  Glancing his way, I ease out my breath. He’s so damn handsome. “You’re a huge complication,” I admit.

  “What’s complicated about this?” He gestures to the path beneath our pounding feet. “We’re two people outside exercising, getting fresh air. Maybe we talk a little? Maybe we learn some stuff about each other? Maybe we say nothing at all? Either way, there’s no harm.”

  “That’s not all this is, and you know it.”

  “Tell me what this is then, Trina.”

  I flash him a look of warning. “You don’t get to call me that.”

  He holds up his hands. “I’m sorry. To
o familiar. Full names only.”

  I stop running abruptly and push my hand over my tied-back hair. “You don’t understand, Elliot. I can’t do this. I can’t be seen with you. I can’t be afraid because of you.”

  “Afraid?” he asks, brow tight. “Of losing your job?”

  I shake my head. “You don’t understand,” I repeat, ready to run again. But he places a hand on my arm to stop me.

  “Make me understand.”

  His blue eyes bore into mine, concerned and intense, and I feel my resolve slipping because I want to let myself fall into them. I want to lose myself and forget everything else. I want to feel wanted by him.

  “Why don’t we just do each other a favour and quit while we’re ahead? No good can come from us being around each other, Elliot. Surely you can understand that.”

  “I don’t.” Placing his hands on his hips, he closes his eyes for a moment, releasing a sigh.

  I make a run for it. Call me chicken. Call me crazy. But the moment he comes after me, I pick up the pace, getting faster and faster until I’m sprinting as fast as I can.

  Of course, he keeps up.

  Thighs burning, lungs heaving, I stop before I fall over and drop in a heap on the grass. “Fuck,” I groan, gasping for air as I look up at the angry sky. There’s a flash behind the clouds then Elliot’s face fills my vision.

  “I admit the office policies complicate things,” he starts.

  “It’s not just the policies, Elliot,” I put in, pushing up to my elbows as he squats down in front of me.

  “I know,” he says. “It’s the gossips too. Carmel explained to me that some of the girls have been giving you a hard time.”

  “Then you understand why—”

  “No. I don’t. In the entire year I’ve worked there, I’ve never given any of them reason to think I’m interested in them.”

  “What about Beth? You put your arm around her when we were at Pontoon.”

  He sighs. “Yeah. I did. But that’s not a regular thing. I don’t hug her. I don’t exchange longing glances. If anything, I’m cold and indifferent towards her. Towards everyone. That night; I let my guard down. For the first time in twelve months, I was actually happy to be at work, happy to be socialising with those people. But only because you were there.”