Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  Sitting up, I lean forward, placing my hands on his shoulders. “Now I feel really bad,” I say as I position myself over him.

  His hand cups around my thigh and slides up to my hip. “For?”

  “I totally want you for your body,” I whisper against his lips, reaching between us to guide his already hard shaft into my depths.

  Twenty-Four

  “I have to go home this morning,” I murmur, my fingers gliding through Elliot’s hair as he lies on my naked chest, listening to my heartbeat after a night filled with exploring each other’s bodies and very little sleep.

  He lifts his head to look at me. “Can’t you stay tonight as well?”

  “No. We have work tomorrow and I have a bunch of study I need to catch up on. There’s only one week left until exams start. Then I’m off work for three weeks.”

  “For exams?”

  I nod. “And my Ironman triathlon.” I lower my eyes, remembering the holiday David and I planned. That’s obviously not happening now. “It’s interstate.”

  “Interstate? Where?”

  “Hamilton Island.”

  His eyes widen slightly. “Hamilton Island? In a month?”

  “Three weeks. I put in for the extra week off work so I can have a break.”

  “On Hamilton Island?” That was the plan.

  “I’m not sure yet,” I lie. It’s booked, but I can feel where this conversation is going, and I can’t in good conscience take Elliot with me. I should just cancel it.

  “I could always put in for a week off too? Meet you up there?”

  I run my fingers back through his hair, running my index finger beneath his jaw. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Too coincidental.”

  He groans and rolls onto his back. “You’re right. But does this mean I won’t get to see you for a month?”

  “You can still see me. I need study breaks, you know. Let’s say, next Friday night?”

  “One night a week,” he says, glancing up at the ceiling. “That’s all we get?”

  I roll on my side and bounce a shoulder. “Did you expect we’d find more? You know our circumstances.”

  “The moment you get a free weekend, I want you here with me the whole time.”

  “Let me check my schedule.” I grin. “I’ll see if I can slot you in somewhere.”

  “You better. After this race of yours, I want you Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Maybe even Monday. I need some time with you. Like, a lot of time with you.”

  “You’re making me want to complete the race and run straight to the airport to get back to you.”

  He slides his arm around my waist. “How about the weekend after your competition? I’ll take you out on the town, show you off to my friends. We can celebrate the end of the uni year, and you can relax before getting back into training mode for your next event.”

  “I’d like that,” I say, running my nails up and down his arm, causing his skin to bump. He hums his contentment, griping when I stop and tap him on the shoulder, asking him to hop up.

  With an unhappy groan, he rolls off me. “We don’t get enough time,” he complains.

  “We’ll get more time in a few weeks,” I say, as I stand up and gather my things. “Be patient.”

  “Patience sucks when you can only look without touching all week.”

  I lean in and kiss him tenderly. “Then savour the moments we have.”

  “I do. It’s why it’s so hard to let you go.”

  Smiling, I move towards the bathroom. “I need to shower. Will you drive me to the station after breakfast?”

  “I’ll drive you home,” he states.

  “It’s too much petrol for one weekend. I’m fine on the train.”

  “No, I’m not just fucking you and dumping you at the train station. This is supposed to be a relationship. I want to drive you. I want to spend a bit more time with my girlfriend.”

  “All right, you can drive me,” I soothe, loving the sound of him calling me his girlfriend. I love how sure of himself he is. I turn and walk into the bathroom, turning on the shower to wait for it to warm up.

  “Do you want me to wash your back?” he calls from the bedroom.

  “No, thank you. I'll never get home if we start that again,” I call back teasingly.

  “That’s the point,” he says, appearing at the door, reaching out and pulling me towards him.

  Two hours later we’re on the road back to Penrith. I don’t feel as though our bubble is bursting this time. We talk comfortably with each other, touching each other when we can, and making plans to continue training together at lunch times so we can still see each other during the week. Now that David isn’t having lunch with me, Mondays can be used for training as well. As much as it sucks that we can’t behave like a couple during the work week, those snatched hours of friendship are the next best thing.

  “Aren’t you worried someone will see us training together and figure something is up?” I ask after a while.

  “Nope.”

  “Why not? Someone could see us outside the office—and not just training. They could see us, like, in the car together.”

  “There’s no rule that says we can’t be seen together. We just can’t be seen dating.”

  “But you want to take me out to meet your friends.”

  “Yes, I do. And I don’t think that’s out of the question. If Andrew and Carmel can wander around holding hands the moment they step out of the office, I think we can do the same.”

  “Yes, but Andrew isn’t you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks, looking genuinely confused.

  “Jesus, Elliot, look in the mirror. The women at the office salivate over you.”

  He lets out a small chuckle. “I don’t think it’s that bad.”

  “You’re not the one who copped the evil eyes when we were busted on the wharf. Believe me, you could snap your fingers at any woman in that office and they’d undress for you.”

  He shudders like his skin is crawling. “Uh, don’t say that. There’s some pretty scary ladies in that office.”

  I take that as a challenge and start filling his mind with images of some of the less desirable women waiting for him around corners and throwing themselves at him.

  “Great, now I’m going to have nightmares,” he says, pulling to a stop at the freeway exit.

  “Well, I can’t leave you like that,” I say seductively, reaching over the centre console, my hand sliding over his lap.

  “What are you doing?” he asks, a slight nervous edge to his voice.

  “Altering your dream,” I murmur, massaging his hardening cock and taking delight in the way his breathing changes.

  “I’m going to pull over,” he says, turning the first chance he can and pulling to a stop. “Holy fuck.”

  “Hmm. Is that what this is?” I ask, climbing over to his lap. “A holy fuck?” He groans as I capture his mouth in mine, kissing him intensely. My fingers entwine in his hair as I pull him closer.

  Rocking my hips so we’re rubbing up against each other, I can feel his arousal pressing solidly against my own. He moans and reaches down to slide the seat back, giving us more room.

  He brushes soft kisses down my neck and across my chest, massaging my breasts with his hands through my clothes. I grind against his erection. “Oh god, do you see what you do to me? I don’t think I can ever let you out of this car,” he growls.

  I reach down to release him from the confines of his pants, pulling my panties to the side to take his length inside me. We both let out a long steady breath as I lower myself over him, locking eyes while I slowly move in his lap.

  We move carefully together, luxuriating in our continued closeness and watching our own desire mirrored in the other’s face. When he comes, I clench my muscles against his spasms and keep on moving, knowing my own orgasm is ready to explode at any moment. As I erupt, I pull his head to my chest and hold him tightly while he holds my hips and pushes us together as deeply
as we can manage.

  He releases a whoosh of breath as we come down. “Guess you’re not worried about anyone from work seeing us here?”

  I laugh through my nose and suck lightly on his bottom lip. “Not at all.”

  Reaching into my handbag, I find some tissues to put between my legs so we can separate and I move back to the passenger seat.

  “That was crazy.” With a chuckle, he looks around for a moment, resting his head back in his chair before a bewildered expression takes over his face.

  “What?” I ask.

  “It’s just you.” He shakes his head slightly. “You get me doing things I wouldn’t normally do.”

  I shrug, remembering some of David’s scathing words. “I’m told I’m a risk-taker.”

  He reaches over and takes my hand in his, lifting my fingers to his lips. “I like it.”

  Twenty-Five

  My busy life is a blessing over the following weeks. Between study, training and exams, I barely have a moment to think. And when I do, I fill that time with Elliot, spending a snatched moment with him here and there either over the phone or in person. He’s exactly what I need to fill the quiet. My heart aches a lot less when he’s around.

  Sightings of David are few and far between. I spotted him once during exams, but he left after the first hour when there were still three to go. I didn’t see him after that. But I did get an email from the resort we booked on Hamilton Island. A reminder that our cancellation window was closing. I cancelled. I don’t want to stay in some idyllic location on my own. It’d be too hard.

  On the morning I’m due to fly out, I hug Mum and Dad tight before fist bumping Tom.

  “You sure you don’t want me to drive you to the airport?” Dad asks.

  “I’m going with the team on the minibus. They’re right outside,” I say, grabbing my bag as an insistent horn hurries me along. “I’ve gotta go.”

  Mum gives me one last hug. “Call us as soon as you land. We’ll watch the race online. But call us when you’re through.”

  “OK.” I laugh and pull away. “I’ll see you Monday.”

  “Good luck,” they chorus as I leave through the front door, their well wishes joining texts from Elliot, Kayley and… Christopher. That guy seems to be keeping tabs on my racing schedule. I need to tell him to back off.

  No text from David. That’s three weeks with no contact. The longest we’ve ever been without each other. This sucks.

  “About time,” a girl in my squad, Vanessa says as I climb inside the minibus. “Thought we were gonna miss the plane.”

  “We’ve got four hours,” I say, rolling my eyes good-naturedly.

  “That’s if this storm holds out,” my coach says, looking at the dark sky. “They’re forecasting big winds later today.”

  “Guess we’re in for a bumpy plane ride.”

  There’s no plane ride at all. When the storm hits, we’re an hour away from boarding. The winds cause them to delay our flight then finally close the whole airport down. I spend a solid two hours on public transport getting back home, close to tears because I’m missing an important event. Fuck my life.

  When I walk through the door at home, I’m greeted by silence. Dad and Tom would be at work, and Mum is probably shopping or something. I’m completely alone.

  I drop my bag on the floor in my room and flop down on my bed, exhausted after a day of stress. Exhausted after my exams. Exhausted after pushing my training so hard for nothing. Exhausted after…after loosing my best friend.

  This is the first time since my blow up with David that I’ve stopped and felt the weight of the ball of tension I’ve been holding in my chest. It hurts. And as I take a breath, I struggle to get enough air. David. I sob into my pillow, my shoulders shaking as I let myself feel the loss. It feels like a death, but worse because he’s right around the corner but I can’t go to him. I miss him. My life doesn’t seem complete without him.

  After succumbing to my exhaustion, I’m startled awake by the sound of the doorbell. For a second I just lie in bed, hoping someone else is home to get it. But when there’s a tap on my window, I practically jump to stand up.

  “Come on, Trina. I know you’re there. You’re still sharing your location with me. I can track your phone.”

  “What if I just left my phone behind?”

  He laughs a little. “Then it’s suddenly developed its own voice and can talk to me. Listen, I know you hate me right now. But, can I come in?”

  “I don’t hate you, David. I’m just…I’m sad.”

  “Then open the window so I can come in out of the rain and talk to you.”

  I’m both excited and nervous as I move near the window. “Are you going to yell at me again?”

  “No. I just want to clear the air,” he says, his voice soft.

  When I lift the blind, my heart and stomach seem to switch locations for a moment. He looks like home. He’s drenched from the pouring rain. But he looks like home.

  Letting him through the window like I have a hundred times before, I get him a towel to dry off then lead him into the family room where we sit on the couch facing each other while he rubs the towel over his wet hair. I have so much I want to say to him, so much I want to ask. I want to throw my arms around his neck and hug him tightly, while also wanting to slap his face and yell at him for leaving me alone for so long. With all these options swimming around in my head, I struggle to fix myself on just one. Instead, I sit there and chew on my lip, lost for conversation for the first time in my life.

  “I heard the airport shut down,” he starts, clearing his throat.

  I nod. “Storm’s pretty brutal.” The wind howls outside as if proving my point.

  “Are you OK?”

  I shrug. “Disappointed. But yeah. I’m OK.” I’m not OK. I’m alone when you’re not here and no one can take your place.

  “Elliot came to visit me.”

  Guilt lodges beneath my ribs. Elliot. My balm. My distraction. My calmer of storms. I can’t deny him. He treats me like I want to be treated. He’s there for me. He understands.

  “He did?”

  “He got my number from Carmel. Called and asked if he could come over and have a chat.”

  “When did he do that?”

  “Sunday.” After he drove me home.

  “What did you talk about?”

  I sit watching his handsome face struggle before he can speak again. “He's not as bad as I thought he was. I should apologise to you for calling him a meathead.”

  “I see. What led you to that conclusion?”

  “We talked about you. How important you and your happiness are to both of us. He opened my eyes to a few things, and I guess we kind of have… an understanding now.”

  “An understanding? What does that mean?” Where does it leave us?

  “Well,” he says, frowning before he swallows. “We want you to be happy.” He pauses and locks eyes with me for a moment. “With him.”

  “What are you saying?” I shake my head, confused.

  “I’m saying… he’s a good guy. I think he’s perfect for you, actually. I was wrong about him and Beth. He’s…” He groans a little as he rubs a hand through his damp hair. “I’d date him if I was a chick.” He laughs and flashes me a half smile. “I think he’s the one guy you’ve dated who’s actually good enough for you.”

  My heart practically stops beating, caught in my throat because none of this feels like making up. It feels…it feels like closure.

  “Where does this leave us?” I ask in a whisper.

  “I don’t know, Trina.” He turns his head away slightly, a look of sorrow in his eyes. It makes me nervous.

  “But…I need you, David. You’re my best friend.” It comes out hoarse, laced with tears that threaten to spill from my eyes.

  He sighs and takes my hand in his, stroking his thumb over it lightly as he speaks to it instead of me. “When Christopher hurt you, it made me realise how…important, you were—are—to me. I should
have said something sooner, but I was waiting…and I waited too long. God, it’s so hard watching you move on. I thought I’d know when it was time, but whenever I opened my mouth, the fear—the fucking fear—crawled up my throat and stopped the words.” He stops and blows out his breath.

  “What are saying?”

  He looks at me with panicked eyes, a fine layer of sweat coating his skin. “I don’t think I can handle you dating anymore, baby girl. I feel horrible whenever I see or think about you with him, with anyone. And… I know it’s too late. I don’t know what to do about it.”

  “I don’t understand. Are you saying we can’t go back to being friends again? I miss you, David. I'm lonely without you.” I can feel myself shaking, so scared that whatever is happening between us can’t be fixed.

  “I’m glad you’re with someone like Elliot. He’s a decent guy. But I’m struggling here, Trina. It’s hard for me to be around you.” He bites his lip. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

  “No, David. I don’t understand any of this.” Tears fill my eyes, and it takes all of my self-control not to let them spill out.

  He reaches up and cups my cheek in his hand, gently caressing my skin. “Can’t you hear me, Trina? I keep telling you. But you’re not getting it.” He leans in close and presses his forehead against mine while letting out a shaky breath. “I’m in love with you.” He presses his lips softly against mine, holding for just a moment before he pulls away and stands as if he’s about to leave.

  My heart explodes in my chest at the shock of his confession. No. No. This isn’t possible. He said he only loves me as a friend. That we could could never… because he didn’t… oh God.

  My tears fall. “You love me?” I force out, shaking and confused. “Now? After all this time?” I press my hand to my chest. “All this pain?” I can barely see through my tears. “Now you love me? Now?” No. I just got over you.

  “I know. It’s shitty timing. I should have made it clear earlier. But I didn’t want to risk ruining what we have—”