Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Don’t, David.” I hold up my hand. “Don’t use that excuse when you ruined us, anyway.”

  “I was scared, Trina. I didn’t trust myself with you. I thought I’d fuck it up, freak out with you like I do with every girl who gets too close. But I’ve already lost you. I’ve fucked us up without even giving us a chance.”

  I shake my head. “How long have you felt this way?”

  He runs his hands through his hair and lets out his breath. “Always, I think. But I’ve been sure since the attack, when I thought I’d lost you...”

  “And you’ve waited a year? Waited until I’ve finally moved on to tell me this? What are you doing, David? Why are you confusing things? I thought you just wanted to be friends. You’re the one who always said that friends are better than lovers. We’re in this mess because of you!” My voice becomes shrill as I spring to my feet, my body shaking, ears ringing. I can’t face this. I’ve worked so hard on accepting a life without having him, and now that I’m finally in a relationship with a guy who makes me happy, he’s put a bomb under us. What am I supposed to do here? Dump Elliot for David when I swore to him there was nothing between us? Am I supposed to ruin something good on the off-chance David finally has his shit together and can give me what I want? Am I supposed to jump at the click of his fingers and forgive him for years of pain and feelings of worthlessness?

  What do I do with this information?

  My head feels set to explode.

  It feels too late.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I know what I said, and I know I’ve led you to believe everything was still the same between us, but it isn’t. It hasn’t been the same for a long time.”

  I shake my head, struggling to believe his words. This is what he does. He wants me when he can’t have me, but when I’m available his interest wanes. I can’t keep playing these games. “So, let me get this straight—you’ve been in love with me forever? You’ve been sure for a whole year? But you’ve been fucking other women the entire time?” I demand, remembering all the comments, the nights he left me to meet someone else.

  He shakes his head and meets my eyes. “I haven’t slept with anyone since your accident. I couldn’t. I only wanted you. I…” His gaze waivers. “I didn’t touch anyone else until Beth.”

  My hand flies to my stomach as a sickness rises in my throat. “Until Beth? You actually slept with her?” I can hardly breathe, I’d been hoping I was wrong. “When?”

  “That night at Pontoon. When I found out you left without me, I’d missed the last train and…” He doesn’t finish, just lets the rest of it hang in the air so I can figure it out for myself. He lied.

  I nod, my jaw set in frustration. “You went back to her place, didn’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “And one thing led to another, and now… you’re dating her? Is that why she’s been so smug with me in the office?”

  He doesn’t answer. But I know it’s the truth, I can read it in his eyes.

  “Then why are you here?” I yell. “Why did you walk through the rain and climb through my window? Why did you kiss me and tell me you love me when it’s all too fucking late?” Each word gets louder until my voice is vibrating in my ears, scratching at my throat.

  “Because I needed to know,” he shoots back.

  “Know what?” I screech. Then he grabs me.

  He grabs me either side of my face and kisses the ever-loving crap out of me, his tongue pushing past my lips and taking control of mine. And fucked if I don’t respond, grabbing his neck and taking my anger out on his mouth, my whole body buzzing and out of control. It’s a violent clash of teeth and emotion that ends when I place my hands on his shoulders and push him away.

  “You can’t do this, David!” I wipe at my angry tears. “You can’t come in here and do that when I’m dating someone else. When you’re dating someone else. You had months to make this happen. Years. And you’re choosing the one time we’re both in relationships? How can I believe this is real? How can I trust you not to break my heart again?”

  Agonised in his movement, he digs both of his hands into his hair then lets them fall to his sides as his eyes shine. “You can’t,” he forces out. “You can’t trust this because I don’t even trust my fucking self.”

  “Then why are you here?” I screech through my tears, chest shaking with my sobs.

  “To say goodbye. To put an end to what we are once and for all. I can’t be the man you need, Trina. I never could. But I can’t be your friend anymore either. It hurts us both too damn much.”

  “Fuck you,” I cry, stepping back and shaking my head. “Fuck you, David. Fuck you for every day, for every moment. I wish I never met you. I wish you never sat next to me on that bus.” He’s exploding my world, shaking my foundation. This is a life we built together, brick by brick at his instruction. Now he’s tearing it down and I wish we’d never started. I’ll never find my heart beneath the rubble. He’s ruined me.

  “I’m sorry.” He wipes a tear that streaks down his face.

  “Fuck your sorry.”

  “This is the right thing to do,” he murmurs, lifting an arm like he’s about to touch me but doesn’t. “You’ll understand someday. When you’re happily married and have a couple of kids who are beautiful just like you, you’ll look back and think, ‘Thank fuck he left. He was only holding me back.’”

  A noisy sob bursts painfully from my chest as I cover my face with my hands. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again.

  He leans in and brushes his lips against my hair and inhales. “Good bye, Trina,” he whispers.

  When I hear the front door click shut, my legs can’t hold me up anymore. I drop on the couch, crying through this pain, a pain so deep, so intense, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. A year ago, Christopher broke my body. But David just destroyed my heart. Not even time can heal that.

  Twenty-Six

  “Here,” Mum says, offering me a folded up wash cloth. “Put this over your eyes. It’ll help with the swelling.”

  Taking the cold compress from her hands, I lie back on my bed and place it over my eyes, sending the room black. “Thanks, Mum.”

  She gives my forearm a squeeze then quietly leaves my room. When she got home late yesterday afternoon, she found me a snivelling mess in my pit of despair that seemed too enormous for me to climb out of. But she pulled me back up. Sat with me and listened to my broken sentences, my confused words while she made me tea and stroked my hair. What I appreciated most was that she didn’t offer me solutions. She just heard me out and told me I was the strongest person she’s ever known. “I expect you to keep fighting,” she said. Which is exactly what I plan to do.

  As soon as my face looks normal again. Why can’t I be a pretty crier?

  Blindly reaching over to my bedside table, I grab my phone with a plan to put on some calming music so I can meditate and get my mind thinking straight again.

  David and I are through. It hurts like a bitch, but we’ve been fighting on and off for the last couple of months. With our emotions clashing so much, there isn’t a hell of a lot for us to do besides call it quits. I always wanted him to give me the world, and he always called me that. I suppose in a way this is him delivering. His version of giving me the world is giving me my life back. But it’s a life that doesn’t have him in it.

  Just the thought brings a prickle to my eyes.

  I wish he could see himself for the man I’ve always known. He’s so much more than his father taught him he was, so much more than his own self-deprecating mind gives him credit for. I’m really going to miss him.

  But maybe this is for the best. If he can admit he loves me, but still can’t bring himself to fight for me then what is there left for us? Nothing.

  Before I get the chance to select my music, my phone lights up in my hand, vibrating along with Elliot’s ringtone.

  “Hello there, Evan,” I say, my voice sounding a little croaky as I put the handset near my ear.


  He chuckles. “I’m still in your phone as Evan?”

  I’m surprised when my lips manage to form a smile. “Sure are.”

  “I was calling to see how your race went. I looked up the results but couldn’t find your name.”

  “That’s because I didn’t get to race.”

  “Shit. What happened?”

  “Airport closure. The winds were too strong, and they grounded the planes.”

  “Are you serious? So, you didn’t even leave Sydney?”

  “Nope. Came right home and spent a depressive evening watching Netflix with Mum and Dad.” It’s not a complete lie. I simply leave out the part where David came to visit and ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it in his bare hand.

  “I’m really sorry you missed your race, beautiful. I know how much you were looking forward to it. Although, I wish you’d called me. I could’ve made your night a lot less depressing.”

  I place my hand across my eyes, pressing the cool of the washcloth against my cry-sore eyelids. “I’ve no doubt. I think spending the night with you would have been a million times better. But I was exhausted yesterday. We waited at the airport for ages then I was so disappointed that all I wanted to do was zone out.”

  “What about tonight? Are you too tired to come and see me?”

  My heart starts beating faster, and I hesitate, unsure what to say to him. How do I explain my swollen eyes? How do I explain the fact that David kissed me yesterday, and I kissed him back? Do I even tell him that? I mean, if David and I are truly over, does Elliot need to know?

  I don’t know.

  “Don’t rush to answer,” he jokes with a slight laugh.

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I’ve just got myself in a bit of a funk.” Another truth. Is avoiding the details still lying?

  “All the more reason to come out with me. I’m meeting up with some friends at a nightclub tonight. You should come. We can drink too much and fuck each other’s brains out. You can’t be in a funk during a good fuck, Katrina.”

  A laugh bursts out of me. “You should make inspirational posters with doozeys like that.”

  “What I’m hearing is that I’ve inspired you. Does that mean you’re coming?”

  I sit up and pull the cloth from my face, looking in the mirror at my red eyes and puffy face. I suppose a good layer of makeup can cover that up. “Why not,” I concede with a smile. “Where should I meet you?”

  “I’ll text you the details,” he said, happiness in his words. “I can’t wait to see you.”

  “Me too,” I say as we disconnect, and I press my phone to my chest on a sigh. I think he’s the one guy you’ve dated who’s actually good enough for you.

  David’s words echo inside my head as I suck in a deep breath.

  He expects me to fall in love and be happy without him.

  Mum expects me to keep fighting.

  And I…I don’t know what I want. But I know I don’t want to keep being sad. I want to feel something.

  I want to be wanted.

  Elliot wants me.

  Pulling my desk chair out so I’m sitting directly in front of my mirror, I dig through my makeup bag and line up everything I think I’ll need. Then I pull up YouTube and search for tutorials on how to create the perfect smoky eye.

  You can’t be in a funk during a good fuck.

  “Be in the moment, Katrina. Elliot will make you happy,” I whisper to my reflection, forcing myself to believe it. No more crying over things I can’t have.

  “Wow,” Elliot says, a massive grin on his face as he walks towards me when I exit the station. “You look gorgeous.”

  After spending all afternoon working on my makeup. I straightened my hair and put on my black dress covered with small red printed flowers. It has a fitted bodice and a loose flowing skirt that ends just above mid-thigh. I think it’s very feminine and great for showing off my legs. I’ve topped it off with a pair of red strappy heels and do a little twirl and curtsy in front of him.

  “You smell good too,” he says, taking me in his arms and kissing my neck. I like the soft brush of his stubble as it grazes my skin. When you’re happily married and have a couple of kids who are beautiful just like you, you’ll look back and think, ‘Thank fuck he left. He was only holding me back.’

  “You’re looking pretty gorgeous yourself,” I say, trying to force my mind quiet as I smooth my hands over his rock-hard chest. I inhale, filling my nose with his manly scent. I need this. He wants me.

  “This old thing,” he jokes. “I threw it on in the dark.” He’s wearing dark denim jeans that hug his arse and his package perfectly and an emerald green shirt, sleeves rolled up, showing off his delicious forearms. I can’t help but run my hands down his arms to feel the rise and fall of each muscle with my fingertips.

  “I think we had better get going before I take you in a dark corner and fuck you publicly,” he growls into my ear, causing excitement to bubble in my belly.

  “I wouldn’t stop you,” I whisper, nipping lightly on the soft part of his ear and I focus on the way his hands wander over my skin.

  I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep watching you self-destruct the way you do.

  “You’re bad.” He chuckles, his fingers pressing into the curve of my arse. “Where’s your purse?”

  “I don’t need one. My ID’s in my bra along with my emergency money and ATM card.”

  He laughs and shakes his head. “I’ll have to remember that later.”

  Taking my hand, Elliot leads me through the city streets, talking a little about work since I haven’t been there for a couple of weeks as well as telling me about his friends. “You’ll meet Gary and his girl, Stephanie. I’ve known them both since uni. They’re going to love you.”

  “I like that you’re so sure.”

  He squeezes my hand and flashes me his perfect smile. “What’s not to love?” He’s a good guy. I think he’s perfect for you.

  By the time we make it to the nightclub, I’ve lost track of where we are. We’ve wound our way between some buildings and now we’re heading past a crowded line waiting to get in a door with no sign.

  “Is this one of those cool clubs you only hear about?”

  He flashes me another grin. “That’s exactly what this is.”

  We walk to the front of the line, and Elliot speaks to the bouncer, shaking hands and sharing a joke before the bouncer unclips the barrier rope and allows us through.

  “Is there a special codeword you need to know to get through?” I ask.

  With a laugh, Elliot shakes his head. “I used to work security during my uni days. The bouncer and I know each other.”

  “Ah, you’re connected.”

  The music washes over us as we step through the doors after Elliot pays our cover charge, vibrating my body from my feet to my throat. I haven’t been to a nightclub since…

  I’ve already lost you. I’ve fucked us up without even giving us a chance.

  I blink twice, forcing myself back to the present where Elliot is looking at me like he’s expecting an answer.

  “Huh?”

  “I asked what you wanted to drink.”

  “Oh.” I don’t want my usual. Tonight is about change. It’s about leaving the past behind. I look up and meet his eyes. “Vodka and Red Bull.”

  He grins. “Someone doesn’t plan on sleeping tonight?”

  I hook a finger in the waist of his jeans and tug. “Want to keep me company?”

  “You know I do,” he says, cupping the back of my head and kissing me deeply, truly, thoroughly. He wants me. “How about you find us a table and I’ll get you that drink?” He nods over my shoulder to where there’s a lounge area with tables and plush-looking chairs.

  Despite the line outside, the inside isn’t crazy busy, so I settle into the soft orange bench and watch him from afar. I like the way he moves. He’s a man who’s comfortable in his own skin, but not cocky enough to let his looks go to his head.

  You can’
t trust this because I don’t even trust my fucking self.

  I close my eyes, each remembered line a stabbing in the chest. That drink can’t get here fast enough.

  “Thank you,” I say, grabbing for my drink as Elliot slides onto the bench next to me, sucking it down without taking a breath.

  “Thirsty?” He laughs, and I place my hand against my face.

  “I’m sorry. Yes. I was really thirsty. I’ll get the next one.” I move to stand, but he holds onto my arm, gesturing to a couple who’ve joined our table without me realising. How embarrassing.

  “These are the friends I was telling you about,” Elliot says near my ear to be heard over the music. “Gary and Stephanie.”

  “We went to Uni together,” Gary yells across the table as we shake hands. He’s a decent-looking guy with close-cropped brown hair, around Elliot’s shoulder in height.

  “Nice to meet you,” Stephanie yells, leaning over to give me an overly familiar hug. She’s a small red-head who seems even younger than me. But if she was at uni with Elliot and Gary, I figure she’s the same age. “We’ve never met one of Elliot’s girlfriends before. You must be special.”

  I feel myself blush a little as I look between Stephanie and Elliot. “Oh, I don’t know about that.”

  Elliot slides his arm around me, kissing my shoulder. “She’s very special,” he confirms, and I have to fight the unwanted tears from springing to my eyes. I can’t be the man you need, Trina. I never could.

  I run a light finger along Elliot’s stubbled jaw. He wants me.

  “How did you two meet?” Stephanie asks, cutting into our moment.

  “We work together,” I supply as Elliot tells me he’ll grab me another drink and heads back to the bar with Gary.

  “Really?” Stephanie places her chin on her hand as she leans on the table. “I thought dating was a big no-no at work?”

  “Has he wanted to date a colleague before me?” My jealous instinct rears up.

  She laughs and shakes her head. “No, I just remember him mentioning it when he started. Gary thought it was a crappy policy. He and I met through work.”