Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper into her hair as she sobs even harder against my chest. “I’m not going. I’m here.”

  Paige

  In all my life, I have never been held as I am now, and it’s more than I can bear. Huge sobs wrack through my body for everything I wish I could forget. Clinging tightly to him, I draw on his strength and take comfort in his arms. Don’t leave me.

  “There’s nothing you could tell me that would make me stop caring about you, Paige,” he says after a while, lifting my face so I have to look at him. The sincerity in his eyes pulls at my heart, and I can see he fully believes his own words. For a moment, I do too. But the reality is, no man wants a woman with a past like mine. Not anyone decent anyway. “Whatever happened, whatever you did. It doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is who you are in this moment, who you are to me.”

  I can’t breathe. I want that. I want that to be true so badly.

  He leans in and brushes his lips against mine, a slow sweeping motion that sends a feeling of beautiful longing through my body, causing fresh tears to fall from my eyes.

  “Please, Paige,” he whispers, tipping me over the edge of my ability to resist him.

  Overcome with emotion, I give in to my desires and kiss him back. Opening my mouth slightly as he holds my face tenderly in his hands, his lips entwining with my own, softly tasting and teasing. Never forcing. My heart. My tattoo is on fire, protective and unsure. I don’t know if I can live knowing that one day he could learn my truth and hate me for it.

  Pulling away, he presses his lips to my forehead and circles his arms around me once more. This time I hug him back, breathing steadily as I listen to the rhythmic beating of his heart. Just a moment. Just let me have a moment, I tell Phoenix. And she listens, calming her fires, easing her grip.

  “Do you think we can just watch a movie now?” I ask when I’ve gained some control over my emotions.

  I feel his chest bounce as he laughs. “Yeah, I think a movie would be good,” he says, sliding his fingers between mine as he guides me over to the couch.

  While he sets up Netflix, I let him keep a hold of my hand. I even let him put his arm around me as we watch the movie. I feel so undeserving.

  When I rest my head against his chest, my heart swells when his lips brush against the top of my hair. I’ve fallen too far. So much further than I wanted to. My mind keeps telling me to get up and go, pack my bags and leave, save him. But my body is staying firmly, pressed up against his, refusing to let go.

  You made a promise, Phoenix says in my head, disapproving with her words, a living, breathing being etched into my skin.

  And I’ll keep it. When he leaves, I’ll tell him everything, so he never comes back. Will that work?

  Perhaps, she says, her fire calming as she leaves me be, allows me a moment without her memory tapping against my skull.

  I’m not crazy. I don’t think the tattoo on my back is alive. It’s more symbolic to me, like the phoenix is my conscience, and I have to reason out my decisions with it before I feel OK about making them. It’s complicated, but there’s a reason for it. One I’m not quite ready to share.

  So, instead of focusing on the movie, I’m running through my options in my mind wondering if it’s wrong of me to want him as much as I do. He’s only here for seven more weeks. There’s no time for him to extend his visa, so he’ll have to leave. Anything we have can’t possibly go anywhere. Could I just enjoy what little closeness we can have before he goes? Can I let go of the guilt and anguish from my past for a little while? I wriggle a little against his hard chest and feel myself melting against him. Yes, I think I can.

  Seven weeks… seven weeks until he goes home, and then if I have to, I’ll tell him everything. Seven weeks of happiness. Then I’ll let him go.

  Twelve

  Elliot

  “You’re awfully happy today,” my client, Agy, comments as she wipes her face with the towel I just handed her. “Is there a new love interest making you look that way?”

  Smiling, I simply shrug my shoulders. Agy is one of my favourite clients. She's in her late fifties and comes to the gym every day to workout. She doesn’t come here to partake in any gentle movement either; she does full-on weights training and intense cardio. She’s strong as an ox, and I’m betting she will live until she’s at least a hundred.

  “A gentleman never tells, Agy.”

  Training her is always entertaining, because she’s got loads of great stories to tell me about when she was a kid growing up in the country, and she in turn, loves to hear me talk about Australia.

  “Come on, tell me all about her. It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten a dose of young love,” she presses.

  “I guess it depends on what you want to know.”

  “Well, her name for starters. Unless it’s a he of course, then you can give me his name,” she starts all very matter-of-factly.

  I can’t help but laugh at her boldness. It's one of the reasons I like her so much. “Paige, her name is Paige, Agy.”

  “Well, that’s a lovely name. Now you can tell me all about her,” she prompts, eyes gleaming as she listens in rapt attention while I tell her about meeting Paige on the plane and some brief details about how she came to stay in the flat and how our friendship has been progressing. Once I start, it’s difficult to stop.

  “She’s been making it hard to get to know her; like she’s scared of her feelings for me. But we finally made some progress last night, and this morning, well, she just kept smiling. And Agy, she’s beautiful when she smiles,” I gush, fighting hard to stop my mouth from curling into some goofy grin.

  “That’s wonderful, Elliot. I'm sure any girl who can hold the attention of a gorgeous young man like you is well worth the effort.”

  “She is, Agy. I really think she is.”

  Paige

  “Let me guess,” Andrea says, looking at me with squinting eyes. “You took my advice and finally told Elliot you’re into him? Are you dating now?”

  I look at her briefly, trying to focus on cutting hair, but just the thought of being with Elliot causes a smile to creep across my lips. “Not exactly dating, but things are good.”

  “Hmmm, have you shagged him yet?”

  I raise my eyebrows and look at her again while my client watches us closely in the mirror.

  “No, I haven’t ‘shagged’ him,” I answer, using my fingers as quote marks.

  “Well, you’re glowing like you have. Must be love,” she says before she turns back to her own work.

  Love. I shake my head at the idea because it’s just too crazy. Still, I smile my way through the rest of the day.

  Elliot

  Standing outside the hair salon waiting for Paige, I’m suddenly filled with nerves. I only have six weeks and five days left in the UK. I don’t want to waste any more time pretending with her. I want more, and I’m not going to hide it. Not after our breakthrough on Friday night. We’ve done little more than hold hands and kiss a couple of times since but every time I lay my eyes on her, the entire world just melts around me. She's all I can think about.

  When she emerges from the salon, she’s with her boss, Andrea, who gives me a little finger wave. “Hi Elliot,” she sing-songs at me. I smile and nod at her as I notice a look pass between them, causing Paige’s face to go bright red.

  “Have you been talking about me today?” I ask, grinning at her as she gets closer.

  The answer she gives me is a coy smile, and a little shrug of the shoulders.

  “Have fun, lovebirds,” Andrea calls out, as she walks towards the station.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” I say to Paige as I catch her hands, and pull her into my arms. “It’s OK. I was talking about you too.”

  She smiles as she leans against me. “Good things, I hope.”

  “Of course,” I whisper before bringing my mouth to hers. Kissing her gives me life.

  “Mmm. What’s happening for dinner tonight?” she asks as we in
terlace our fingers and make our way towards the flat.

  “Brian texted earlier. Said everyone was heading to the Hole to get some dinner and have a few drinks. You up for it?”

  “Of course.” She smiles, meeting my eyes. The attraction between us buzzes through the air as it passes between us. We don’t say a lot. We just walk together smiling stupidly. It’s hard to believe that something as minor as a hand hold would make me so ridiculously happy, but it does.

  Paige

  The moment we reach the door to our flat, I drop Elliot’s hand, my disconnection causing him to look at me and frown.

  “I feel kind of weird,” I explain.

  “You feel weird?”

  “I do.” I grimace. “I’m sorry.”

  He sighs and lifts his hands to hold either side of my face. His touch causing a light headiness to overcome me. I have to fight to keep my eyes open so I can focus on him.

  “Paige. This is your one and only chance to back out. Otherwise, we’re going to walk through that door holding hands because as far as I’m concerned, I’m with you, and I’m not willing to hide it. It’s all or nothing from here. I can’t pretend to be your friend anymore.”

  His blue eyes are dark and serious, and I find myself staring up at him and nodding helplessly. My head didn’t even consult me, it just started moving all by itself.

  “What does that even mean?” He smiles as he watches my helpless nodding.

  “Hold my hand,” I whisper.

  “Thank you.” He presses a kiss to my forehead before taking my hand and pushing open the door.

  We have to let go to remove our coats and hang them on the pegs by the door, but as soon as we do, we link our fingers again and head into the living area.

  As per usual, there are bodies draped all over the couches and a mess all over the table. We say a quick hello to everyone, and they barely even glance at our joined hands. I look to see what they're watching on TV.

  “Home & Away? You might as well all be back in Australia,” I say with a laugh.

  “But I love this show.” Naomi’s eyes shine as she flicks her eyes to mine and Elliot’s hands before they return to my eyes, her quiet smile telling me how happy she is for me. “I don’t want to miss out on the happenings of Summer Bay.”

  “Summer Bay isn’t even a real place,” I tease. Those watching, blow raspberries and wave me away, laughing good-naturedly, as I release Elliot’s hand then go into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

  “That wasn’t weird at all,” Elliot says, as he follows me and leans against the bench top, watching me drink. “They didn’t even notice.”

  “I think maybe they’ve been expecting it,” I say. I love the way he watches me. It feels like he’s caressing everywhere he looks from across the small space.

  “Come here,” he says, and I’m about to, but we both turn to the front door as it opens and Shane walks in with his girlfriend trailing behind him.

  “Hi.” She waves at me.

  I’ve met her a couple of times, but I can’t for the life of me remember what her name is. It’s some sort of flower, or tree…

  “Hi Shane, Hi Coral,” Elliot greets seamlessly. That’s her name!

  “Hey,” Shane says, taking off his jacket and hanging it next to ours. “How long til everyone’s ready to go?”

  “They’re watching Home & Away so probably a good fifteen minutes,” I tell him.

  “Excellent, I’m busting for a dump.”

  With wide eyes, we all grimace at each other after that stellar revelation from Shane.

  “Way too much information.” I laugh and grimace, as he disappears down the hallway towards the bathroom. Trying to lose the discomfort of his toilet needs, I turn to his girlfriend, feeling the need to change the subject. “So Coral, I don’t think you’ve ever told me how you and Shane hooked up.”

  “Oh,” she says, making a face. “Nothing exciting, we just hooked up at the pub. I really liked his accent, so I was an easy catch, I think.”

  “He seems to like you a lot,” I offer. I'm shit at these conversations.

  Coral just shrugs her shoulders looking slightly disheartened. I’ve said the wrong thing. Awesome. An uncomfortable silence stretches out for what seems like forever before she shifts the conversation.

  “How long have you two been together?” she asks looking from me to Elliot.

  “Oh… I… we’re…” I stammer, freaking out a little about qualifying any relationship status at this early stage.

  “We met on the plane over here,” Elliot puts in, sliding an arm around my waist. Touch me some more.

  “Oh, you’ve been together a while then,” she comments.

  “Seems that way doesn’t it?” I say, eyeing Elliot, who’s grinning down at me.

  “Best day of my life.”

  I blush and force myself to look away before I turn into a puddle of mush. “What is it you do for work, Coral.” I need the distraction of conversation before I do something to embarrass myself.

  She’s a little difficult to talk to, not wanting to elaborate too much. It makes me wonder if that’s how I come across to people, thinking that perhaps I need to make the effort to change that. I’m supposed to be reinventing myself, after all.

  Thirteen

  Elliot

  As we all walk towards the Hole, I decide to go bold this time by putting my arm around her. When she slips her arm around my waist, I breathe a slow sigh of relief. I didn’t even realise I was holding my breath while I waited for a response.

  When everyone else enters the pub, I hold her back and turn to her as she smiles up at me, her cheeks and nose pink from the cold air, her long hair sitting over her shoulders in the thick glossy curls she created for work.

  “What is it?” she asks, those amber eyes of hers search my face as she waits for me to tell her why we stopped.

  Hooking my finger under her chin, I tilt her head up to mine and lower my mouth to hers. “I need to taste your lips,” I whisper, brushing my lips against her own. Nodding imperceptibly, her eyes lock with mine as her tongue slips out of her mouth to wet her lips.

  Watching her, I feel so turned on right now. I can barely see straight. I want to crash my mouth into hers and carry her back to the flat with me. But, I restrain myself, slowly closing the last few millimetres of distance between us. As our lips touch, I tease her mouth with mine, brushing, but not fully kissing her, testing if she wants me as much as I want her.

  When she moans and opens her mouth, this surge of need floods through my body, and I slide my tongue inside the warmth of her mouth. Responding with equal intensity, her mouth and tongue move with mine as we take our time exploring all the crevices in each other’s mouths.

  All too quickly, she hums and places her hand on my chest, pushing me gently. I separate my mouth from hers and take a moment to admire the way her face appears right now. Her eyes soft, her cheeks even more flushed than they were before, and her lips have progressed from pink to almost red.

  Paige

  Clearing the huskiness in my throat, my voice is still barely audible when I speak. “We’d better go inside,” I whisper, my head swimming from the lust and desire that’s threatening to take over my body and make me do things I could get arrested for in a public place.

  Elliot looks at me intently then nods, before he hugs me to his chest. I wish I could just fuse to him and stay there. This is now my favourite place to be.

  “You OK?” he asks, as we separate, and he holds my hand.

  “More than fine. I am hungry though,” I reply, pulling on the collar of his jacket. “For a lot of things.”

  His eyes darken with arousal before he kisses me again. I could dine on this mouth until I starve myself for food and I still wouldn’t stop. “I should feed you first,” he says, tearing his mouth from mine “We can continue this later.”

  Biting my kiss-swollen lips, I nod.

  “Later,” he says like he’s restraining himself before he lead
s me inside to join in with the group.

  The joining in part is fairly unsuccessful as we sit together, talking quietly and touching regularly. It’s been so long since I’ve let someone in my body space that I feel this burning need to touch and be touched. I’m greedy for him.

  There’s something about Elliot that makes me feel that maybe he’d understand my truth. Although, deep down, I know it’s impossible. No one could truly understand. Hell, I barely understand a lot of it myself. I know I should stay away from him. I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be giving either of us hope. I should never have even shaken his hand on the plane. I should never have agreed to cut his hair. I should never have agreed to live in the same flat. There're so many ‘should never’s at play here. But I’m trying to focus on what Naomi said about regrets a couple of weeks ago. I don’t want to say goodbye to Elliot then spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’. This is my perfect moment in time, the one that will overshadow everything that came before and carry me through the darkness when I need light. It’s selfish. But I want it. I want him to be my moment.

  Elliot

  “So, what’s going on with you two?” Naomi prods from across the table as everyone watches the change in Paige’s and my interactions.

  “Yeah, have you two finally hooked up?” Brian asks.

  “Haven’t they been together for weeks?” Coral adds.

  “No, they’ve been dancing around each other,” Naomi responds.

  “Well?” we’re asked, a host of expectant faces looking at us.

  As we glance at each other, I notice that Paige’s face is bright red with embarrassment, so I answer for the both of us. “We’re just moving forward. That's all for now,” I tell them.

  “Well, forward is the right direction.” Naomi says first, beaming as she gives Paige a wink. “It’s about time you both just got on with it already.”