Struggle to Forever: a friends to lovers duet

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Do you have anything with you?” she whispers breathlessly in my ear.

  “In my wallet,” I say, reaching over to the bedside table where I’d placed my phone, wallet and keys when we arrived.

  She sits up to undo the top button of my jeans and then pulls at the button fly to pop the rest, releasing my erection. I lift my hips as she works my jeans off my legs and drops them at the end of the bed, removing her own jeans at the same time.

  Tearing the foil open I pull out the condom and move to apply it. “No, I want to do it,” she says, climbing on top of me and reaching out to take the circle of rubber from my fingers.

  She pinches the bubble and places it on top of my shaft, rolling it down to the base in long languid motions. As she positions herself on top of me, I hold my breath, waiting for her to take me inside.

  Looking at me wickedly she uses my tip to tease her opening, flinching slightly as she moves it over her clit and back again before slowly sliding down my length. She does this little grind when she hits our deepest point, and I moan, placing my hands on her hips as she rides me.

  She squeezes herself around me, and I’m excruciatingly close to coming, but I don’t want this to end. Her face is perfect as she focuses on her movement, grinding against me each time she takes me in.

  “Are you sure about this, Elliot?” she whispers in between her moans.

  Gripping her firmly, I hold her hips still, stopping her movement and getting her full attention. Her eyes focus clearly on mine and a slight look of panic flits across her face.

  “Sure about what?”

  Her eyes close and I can see she’s on the verge of getting upset again. “About me… about us…”

  Reaching up, I take her face in my hands, keeping her steady so she can’t look away. “Paige, open your eyes.”

  For a moment she squeezes them tighter, but I wait, gently stroking her cheeks with my thumb, until they flutter open, focusing again on me.

  “I want you, Paige. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I have wanted you. So yes, I’m sure. I’m fucking positive.”

  Her eyes close again as she sucks in her breath, and I draw her face towards mine, crashing our lips together as we continue our movement, pressing our bodies together until there isn’t even a millimetre’s worth of space between us.

  She’s still wearing her shirt, so I pull it up, urging her to take it off. She complies, removing her bra, dropping them down the side of the bed before reaching down to lift my shirt.

  I crunch up and remove it, dropping it with hers before I lie back and pull her toward me, kissing her passionately. My chest aches from the intensity of my feelings for this woman. I want to possess her, to know everything there is to know about her, to spend every living moment with her. But I know that, emotionally, she’s holding back, keeping herself just outside of my grasp, and I wonder whether she'll ever surrender fully to becoming ‘us’. I deepen my kiss, wanting to hold on so badly, knowing this could all be too fleeting.

  She makes noises while she kisses me. I can tell she’s about to come again. I try not to move too much more than a small pulse as we fully connect, letting her guide the rhythm. When she cries out, I finally let go as well, pushed over the edge by the pleasure from her moans.

  She lies down on my chest again, breathing hard, and I roll us both so I’m on top now, kissing her face, her neck. I run my fingers over her body and enjoy the smoothness of her skin beneath my fingertips.

  Placing her hands either side of my face, she guides me so I’m looking at her. There is such adoration in her eyes as she gazes up at me, tears still threatening to spill I lean down and kiss each one, tasting a slight saltiness on my lips when I do. Her hips rock up against me and I'm hard again, moving inside her, setting aside my worries and losing myself in our blissful connection.

  Paige

  Being with Elliot is a heaven I never thought was possible for me to experience. I don’t think I ever want to go back out into the real world again. I don’t want to face the things I have to face, or speak of the truths I have to tell. I just want to be right here, right now, connected with him, forever.

  Seventeen

  Elliot

  As we lie together, naked and wrapped around each other, I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be. I feel like I’ve found myself in her arms, and I don’t want to let her go.

  “I’m so sorry for making you go in there. I should have taken you home,” I say to her as she lies on my chest, tracing her fingers in between my abs as I twirl her hair around my fingers, enjoying the way it coils around each one like a spring.

  “You didn’t make me do anything, Elliot,” she answers.

  She sits up to talk to me, and my eyes fall to her breasts—I don’t think I’d be a guy if they didn’t. She doesn’t speak, so I drag my eyes back up to hers, and she’s smiling at me. But it doesn’t touch her eyes or display any happiness; it's thoughtful and a little sad.

  “Are you going to be OK?” I ask out of concern, smoothing my hand against the skin of her arm.

  She looks over at the closed curtains of the hotel room window and sighs. “I just wasn’t expecting her to be there. I barely even got to say two words to him. It feels like we wasted the trip out here.”

  “There isn’t a moment of time around you I consider a waste, Paige.”

  She turns her attention back to me and looks slightly pained as she smooths her hand down the side of my face. “You have such a beautiful heart, Elliot.”

  Paige

  He’s looking up at me, and my chest hurts from caring about him so much. Why did this man have to come into my life? I was surviving fine without him, and now I don’t feel like I can even breathe without him near me.

  We’ve gone from meeting on a plane to being a constant in each other’s lives in a little more than six weeks. I don’t know how I’m going to say goodbye when he leaves. All I know is that I need to be with him, perfect like we are now, for as long as we can. I don’t want to tell him any more about my past. I don’t want to ruin what little time we have together with the evil I used to be. I want to be new. I want to be with him.

  He takes my hand from his face and kisses my palm, pulling me down to lie beside him. His fingers trail up and down my back as he leans up on his arm, studying my tattoo. It feels strange having someone look at it after keeping it covered for so many years, kind of like my soul is exposed.

  His voice is low and intimate when he speaks. “Is this how you see yourself?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you see yourself as a phoenix, rising out of the ashes?”

  “Not really,” I answer, rolling over to face him.

  “Well then… what does it mean? You said it’s to remind you of everything you don’t want to be anymore. What don’t you want to be, Paige?” He sits himself up, so he’s leaning against the headboard as he waits for my answer.

  I look away from him as a tear spills from my left eye and try to discreetly wipe it on my pillow. Taking a deep breath, I sit up, clearing my throat.

  “I just… don’t want to be who I was. It… um, it’s kind of like my cross to bear—if that makes sense. That’s why it covers my back, and the phoenix means… that I hope something good can come out of all the wrong… that’s all.” I glance at him as he studies me intently. I can see he isn’t happy with my answer, but that’s all he’s getting for now. I just want the next six weeks with him and then I’ll tell him everything. Then I’ll let him go.

  In an obvious move to shift his focus, I swing my leg over to straddle him, grinning wickedly as I lean in to kiss him. He’s a little slow to respond, but when I use my hand to stroke his shaft back to life, his kiss becomes much deeper.

  His hands move up into my hair as he pulls me toward him, delving into my mouth with his tongue. He breaks free and holds my face away for a moment. “We can’t go all the way this time,” he informs me. “I don’t carry multiple condoms around in my wallet.”
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  “That’s fine,” I say, kissing him between my words. “We just won’t penetrate.”

  He lets out a moan as he dives back into the kiss, his fingers in my hair and his chest pressed against my own. I can feel his shaft hard between my legs and slide myself up the length of him, careful to avoid the tip.

  “Oh, you’re like silk,” he says into my neck as he nips at my ear, then flips me onto my back. I laugh in surprise at the suddenness of his movement but quickly slip into oblivion as he slides down my body and settles his mouth between my legs.

  Elliot

  After doing everything we possibly could to each other without having actual sex, we both fall asleep, exhausted, and curled around each other. It’s dark when I open my eyes to the sudden music. At first I don’t realise where I am, but I quickly remember when I look at my phone and see Shane’s number on the screen. “Ah, crap!” I say, grabbing at it and answering before it rings out.

  “Where the fuck are you?” he complains immediately in my ear.

  “I’m sorry, man. We're on our way,” I lie, flipping on the bedside light as I get up and hunt down our clothes. “It just took longer than we expected. We’ll be about an hour.”

  Shane sighs on his end. “Fine,” he says flatly. “Just hurry, I’m supposed to be at Coral’s before then. She’s gonna be pissed at me.”

  He disconnects without saying any more, and I get my jeans on as I move over to Paige’s side of the bed. “Paige, honey, wake up,” I whisper, gently rocking her shoulder to rouse her.

  She blinks a few times before her eyes focus on me properly. “What? What’s wrong?” she asks, sitting up and taking the clothes I’m handing to her.

  “We need to get back. Shane needs his car.”

  “Oh shit. I forgot about him,” she says, suddenly throwing her clothes on and stuffing her feet into her shoes.

  “I know, me too,” I say, as I grab my jacket and hold out hers. She slips her arms in, and I pause our rush for a moment to kiss her. “I don’t want to go.”

  “Me either, but we can’t keep his car forever,” she returns, kissing me again. I cup her arse in my hand and pull her body against mine, savouring these last few moments of our time alone. As we pull apart, she sighs and picks up her bag. Then I take her hand, and we walk over to reception to return the key before getting back into the car for the drive back to the flat.

  In the hour it takes to get back to Waterloo, talk is hard to come by. I’m lost in my head, ruminating over the limited time I have left with her, and she’s curled in on herself, lost in her own thoughts. It takes everything I have not to drive back to her parents’ place and give them both a rather large chunk of my mind. I managed to take her mind off her pain for a short while, but sex doesn’t fix things, it simply masks them.

  “You OK?” I ask once we’re home and inside the flat. Shane practically jumped in the car before I was out of the driver's seat to race his way to Coral.

  Paige leans against the wall in the entrance and sighs. “I don’t know what I am,” she says, then she pulls her hand from mine and slips away, both mentally and physically. How do I help her?

  Eighteen

  Paige

  “Maybe you should take a few days off,” Andrea suggests, as I send yet another customer on their way, making no conversation with them that wasn’t related to their hairstyle.

  “I need to work at the moment, Andrea.” I busy myself cleaning up the fallen hair from the floor.

  “Do you need to talk about it?”

  I pause my sweeping and look up at Andrea’s concerned face. We're experiencing one of the rare quiet times in the salon when we have no clients waiting, and our next appointment isn’t for another hour. So it’s safe to talk. My problem is, do I want to?

  Sighing, I fall into the salon chair, leaning my upper body weight on the broom in my hand. “I just…” I start, having trouble working out what to say. I’m trying to let people into my life, but it’s still hard to share my worries when I’m so used to dealing with them on my own.

  “Just what, Paige? Talk to me. You’ve been moping around the salon for over a week now,” she prods, wheeling a stool over so she's sitting directly in front of me.

  “I went to meet a um… relative, the weekend before last, and it just brought up a lot of… well, shit from my past. Stuff I wasn’t expecting to be reminded of, and I’m just trying to work through it all in my head. I’m sorry I’ve been out of sorts, but I don’t want to take time off. I’d just spend it thinking, and I don’t want to do that.”

  “You don’t have to take time off if you don’t want to, Paige. Your work is fantastic as always. My concern is that you’re not your usual bubbly self. I’m worried about you as a friend here, not a boss.” A friend. I’m making friends.

  “Thank you, Andrea, but I’ll be fine.”

  “Well, I’m here if you need me, OK?” she offers, and I nod, appreciating her concern.

  I return to sweep my pile of hair while Andrea moves about the salon cleaning up and preparing for her next client by collecting the supplies she’ll need for a keratin treatment.

  “Why don’t you tell me about that boy of yours while we’re quiet? Thinking about him sure puts a smile on my face.” She laughs.

  Returning her laughter half-heartedly, I sigh again. “Elliot is wonderful, as always. He’s being so patient with me, Andrea. I’m afraid I’ve been distant with him too since he took me out to Cambridge—that’s where my relative lives—and he was so supportive and amazing while we were there. But I feel like we were in this cocoon that broke once we got back to the flat and around everyone else. We’re still together, but we haven’t been together since then, if you know what I mean,” I say, sharing as much as I’m willing to about the details of our relationship.

  “Sounds like you two need some time on your own. Maybe you should book the weekend somewhere, just the two of you?”

  The bell rings above the door as a walk-in client enters, so I nod, agreeing with Andrea’s comment. “That might be exactly what we need,” I say before moving to greet our new customer with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

  Elliot

  Ever since we came back from Cambridge, Paige has distanced herself from everyone and everything. It’s a little hard for me to handle because our time together was amazing, and I want nothing more than to be with her again. But, during the drive back to the flat this melancholy descended upon her, and I don’t know how to help her out of it.

  We’re still together, but not much more besides hand holding, hugging and a bit of kissing is going on—which is fine, of course. I'm not some arsehole who will throw a tantrum over sex. I’m just concerned. Those walls of hers seem to be fortifying their defences, and I’m afraid she'll shut down completely. There’s this sadness in her now, greater than the one before. I think she’d gotten her hopes up, thinking when she met her real dad, she’d finally have a parent who gave a shit. But seeing her mother ruined it for her.

  I want to fix it for her, but I know I can't. She won’t talk about it, even though I can see her troubles constantly playing on her mind. It’s shit, because I thought we turned a corner when she told me about her family. But now, I think she only shared a tiny piece of herself and is keeping the rest locked away. Perhaps it’s all buried underneath that tattoo?

  “Elliot, I think that weights bench is clean enough now,” one of my co-workers, Natasha says, snapping me out of my thoughts. I'm supposed to be preparing for my next client but I’m in a daze, thinking about Paige. Big shock there.

  I check my appointments to see I’m supposed to be training Agy. Suddenly, my day is a little brighter. Taking a walk into reception, I see her standing around chatting to a couple of other women.

  “Oh, here he is!” she exclaims happily as I approach. “The light of my life. Isn’t he lovely, girls?” The ladies she’s with all make agreeable noises.

  I smile, not really paying attention to their response and lean down t
o kiss her cheek. “Let’s get started, hey?”

  She waves to her friends and follows me to the treadmills where I get her to warm up. Once I have her walking at a comfortable pace, I hop on the treadmill next to her and start to run. I take the speed higher and higher as I lengthen my stride, running as fast as I can without the risk of falling off, a gentle hum from my pumping blood fills my head and makes me feel calmer.

  “A little tense today, are we?” Agy asks, her eyebrows rising as she watches me run.

  Glancing at her, I nod. “You could say that,” I reply.

  “Girl trouble,” she comments, knowingly. “It always is.”

  Slowing the treadmill, I look over at Agy with her wavy grey hair cut close to her head, blue eyes that have lost a lot of their light, and slightly weathered skin. She’s probably the kindest person I have met in the UK, and right now; I need an understanding ear.

  I slow to a stop and hop off the machine, wiping my face with a towel as I move closer. Agy watches me with her gentle eyes. You can tell she’s expecting me to spill my guts, and she’s right. That’s exactly what I'm going to do.

  “It’s Paige,” I start. “We had this amazing week together. She opened up to me, told me a little about her past, and I thought we were getting closer but now she’s back to pushing me away. It’s like we take one step forward and two steps back. I’m trying to be patient with her, but time is running out for me. I want to be with her, Agy. I want our relationship to keep moving forward. I’m planning to come back here to be with her, but I'm petrified that when I get back, she’ll be gone.”