Altered

by Kimberly Montague

  I couldn’t help but smile back at him as I forced myself out of the car and took slow, heavy steps to the house.

  I couldn’t believe I had that effect on him. All night long I obsessed over that idea. I drove him insane. I tossed and turned and smiled so much my face hurt. When I wasn't smiling, I was crying over what I was doing to Jay. My mood bounced around like a freaking handball, and I woke up the next morning completely exhausted.

  Between a Rock and Hard Place

  I did my absolute best not to think about either of them as I did laundry, homework, and housework—anything I could do to keep my mind from thinking. None of it worked as proper distractions though, especially when Jay kept sending me text messages telling me how much he missed me.

  When Jay and his family finally got home, it was nearly bedtime for Samantha, so I didn’t get a chance to talk to Jay. The next day was busy, and I was still so tired from not sleeping well that I thought I would put off talking to Jay until the following day. Before I knew it, I had procrastinated for almost a whole week.

  At lunch on Thursday however, Jay suddenly became very touchy feely and wouldn’t give me my space. We were sitting at our usual table. I kept scooting from him, but he just didn’t get the point.

  I finally decided enough was enough. "Jay, we need talk."

  He sat up straighter. "Uh, oh, you’ve got serious voice. What’s up? Last time you had serious voice, you made me stop hanging out with Al."

  My voice hitched higher in defense. "He was a total jerk to me. Of course I was serious about that."

  "I know, I know, I’m not complaining," Jay clarified. "I didn’t catch on to his comments right away. But when you pointed it out, I called him on it and quit hanging out with the guy, didn’t I?"

  "Yeah—I—"

  He put his arm around me and pulled me into his side. "I’m always here for you, aren’t I? So who’s being a jerk to my girl now?"

  I glanced up, and my eyes met with Devlin’s several tables away, causing me to jump a little. I couldn’t help but let them linger there for a moment, but immediately felt guilty the second I looked away. Unfortunately, Jay noticed where my eyes traveled.

  "Is it Don Juan over there? He’s always looking at you like a creep. I’d be happy to tell him to back the F off."

  I could feel my heartbeat rising and nervousness bubbling in my throat. "It’s just that we, we’ve been together for so long, Jay. And you and I have changed, you know, as people. I’m just worried that—"

  "Hey now." Jay moved to kneel on the ground in front of me, taking my hands in his. "You don’t have to worry about anything. It doesn’t matter how much we change; we’ll always be together."

  "No, I—"

  "Nothing’s gonna change because we get a little older. It’ll always be you and me I promise." He kissed my hands and although it was sweet, I just wanted to pull away from him and run.

  "I appreciate that, I just—"

  He reached up and caressed my cheek. "Relax, Piper, everything’s gonna be fine."

  "You two are sickening you know that," Sonya scolded. "I swear it’s like watching my brother and sister kiss."

  I turned to Sonya and begged her for help with my pleading eyes.

  She nodded every-so-slightly before announcing, "I gotta pee." She quickly stood back up from the table where she had just sat down.

  "Thanks for the announcement," Jay spat out, rolling his eyes with mock disgust.

  Sonya held her hand out for me to take, and I grabbed onto it like a lifeline.

  "What? You can’t go by yourself for once?" Jay didn't bother to hide his annoyance. "We were in the middle of a conversation here."

  "No, I can’t go by myself. It’s not cool. And Evie loves me, so of course she’ll go with me."

  "You’re right," I said, pushing away from the table. "I do love you."

  Jay still had hold of my hand, making me feel like the rope in a game of tug-o-war. I heard a loud "HEADS UP!" and saw Gary throw a football to Devlin right by our table. Jay didn’t seem to be paying any attention, but I certainly noticed that the pass brought Devlin closer and closer to our table and to me. He jumped and caught the ball neatly with a flex of his well-defined muscles. As he turned, he glanced over at me. Thankfully Jay’s back was to Devlin and he missed the look he gave me. I felt horrible over the look I saw in his eyes. It was the same vulnerable expression he wore when he asked me if I was in love with Jay. My heart ached at what I must be doing to him.

  "And what about me?" Jay asked with Devlin almost directly behind him. "Don’t you love me?"

  I glanced down at Jay and back up to see Devlin raise an eyebrow at me and at the question. My eyes darted to Sonya and back to Devlin before returning to Jay. "O—of course."

  "Come on! I really gotta go," Sonya demanded, pulling me away.

  As Sonya pulled me past Devlin, I saw him shaking his head and walking slowly back to his group. I tried to catch his eye to smile or something, but he wouldn’t look at me.

  In the bathroom, Sonya checked the stalls. When she gave the all-clear thumbs up, I let out a long sigh. "I’m never gonna be able to do it, Sonya. He’s not gonna to let me go."

  "You made an attempt today, though," Sonya encouraged. "That’s a start. That’s more than you’ve made it through before, so pat yourself on the back."

  "He heard, Sonya. He heard me tell Jay that I love him. Did you see him? He wouldn’t even look up at me."

  "I know. That wasn’t good." She pulled out her phone and stared down at it before walking out of the bathroom. When I followed her, I found Gary waiting for us outside.

  His jaw was clenched, and he looked pissed. "What the hell was that, Evie? I thought you were breaking up with him. Crap, I told Devlin you would break up with him then you go off and profess your undying love for the guy?"

  "It wasn’t like that, you moron." Sonya shoved at his chest. "She really tried this time, but he isn’t going to make it easy for her. He’s playing the guilt angle."

  "He’s not," I defended. "I mean, he doesn’t mean to be. It’s not like he doesn’t love me. This is all my fault. Maybe I should just stay with him. He’s one of the nicest guys I know; I can’t just blow him off."

  Gary put his arm around my shoulders. "Honey, sweetie, baby cakes, loving him and being in love with him are two different things. I see the way you and Vaughn look at each other; it’s like fairy tale crap, only it’s really there for you two. How can you deny yourself that to stay bestfriended?"

  I buried my face in my hands and turned into Gary’s arms. "I just don’t think I can do it, Gary. I don’t think I’m strong enough."

  He held me in a tight hug, patting my head. "Aw, kid, you’re plenty strong enough. You’re stronger than Sonya and me put together with everything you’ve been through. Just open with, ‘Jay, it’s over, I just want to be friends,’ and keep repeating it until it sinks into his thick skull."

  "I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt anyone."

  Sonya threw herself onto the bench outside the bathroom. "That’s the problem, Gary. She never wants to see people hurting, but she’s just fine piling it onto herself."

  Gary squeezed my shoulders. "Look, kid, you’ve gotta stop this. You deserve to be really totally happy. You can’t give that up. Besides, you’re not being fair to anyone staying with Jay. It’s not fair to you, to Vaughn, and it isn’t fair to Jay either. What if there’s someone out there for him that really and truly loves him? What if you’re keeping him from that?"

  The bell rang signaling the end of lunch.

  "Come on." Gary patted my shoulders. "Buck up. You’ll be fine. It’s time for Leadership."

  I walked dejectedly to my usual place in the large band room sitting next to Sonya and Gary with Jay and Alec in the row behind us. I was so tired, so exhausted with this feeling of being caught between what I thought I should be doing and what I really wanted. Jay pulled me back against his knees and put his arms around me, resting
them on top of my shoulders. I let out a loud sigh, lacking all energy to fight him off in that moment. Sonya patted my knee as she doodled on the cover of her notebook.

  I was just giving in to the inevitability of Jay’s ever-present grasp on me when I felt Gary flick my thigh and subtly jerk his head toward the door. I turned in time to see Devlin walk in with two cheerleaders smiling and laughing at something they were telling him. I had no right to feel jealous, no right to question his actions with the blonde bimbos, but I couldn’t stop myself from stiffening my back as I leaned away from Jay’s embrace.

  Just as Devlin began walking up the tall steps to Gary, Jay leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Hey now, are you worrying again? Just remember, all that matters is you and me. We’ve been together for what, seven years now? Nothing’s gonna break that up. Just relax."

  I pinched myself in my leg, trying not to scream, trying not to be frustrated and at my breaking point. I just wanted to run and run until I couldn’t get any farther away from this whole thing.

  Devlin tossed the football to Gary, and while I wasn’t on the receiving end, it was clear the roughness behind it was meant for me. "Here, Gary," he said with his jaw clenched tight, "it’s not mine."

  Wincing internally, it was impossible to miss the double-meaning in that statement.

  "Thanks, Vaughn," Gary said as I tried to keep from screaming.

  I glanced at Gary, then Sonya, around the classroom, to Mr. Berg, to the cheerleaders, but just couldn’t prevent my eyes from landing on Devlin. He seemed to sense my furtive glance and looked over at me. Our eyes connected for a split second, and he pulled in a deep breath, closing his eyes and rubbing his fingers on his forehead. He seemed hurt again, making my stomach burn and my legs want to carry me far away. I felt like I was on fire sitting there in Jay’s arms. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to get out of there. I jumped up and away from Jay.

  Everyone around stared at my abrupt movement. "I just—need to get something to drink," I explained through gritted teeth. "Be right back."

  "I’ll go with you," Jay said as he started to get up.

  "No!" I nearly screamed. "I just—" I couldn’t think of a good reason to dissuade him from coming with me other than that if he did I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from beating the living daylights out of him.

  Thankfully, Sonya came to my rescue again. "Class is starting, Jay. You know Mr. Berg’s rules. Friends let friends leave the classroom by themselves. She can manage alone."

  He looked like he was about to disagree. Before he could get a word in, I grabbed my change purse from my backpack and darted out of the classroom.

  As I closed the door behind me, I took deep breaths. "Breathe, just breathe." I tried to calm myself down, afraid I would have some kind of heart attack. I walked as slowly as I could around the corner to the vending machines, trying not to cry or scream or run in frustration. I tried not to think about Devlin, tried not to remember the stunning blue of his eyes or the way he shocked my whole body into tense, nervous excitement. Shoving myself into the three-foot gap between the two vending machines, I just had to hide from the world for a few minutes. I let my head hit the wall behind me, ignoring the dull ache it produced. Closing my eyes, I went back to taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm down.

  His eyes haunted me no matter what I did. He looked so hurt. What was this between us anyway, and did I really want to pursue it? Was whatever this was worth the possibility of being alone? Was it worth hurting Jay? I remembered the intensity of his kisses, the way my body screamed for him, the way he made me laugh, and the way my whole body felt like a blazing firework when I was around him. "Yes, damn it yes," I said out loud.

  "Yes, what?" came the familiar voice belonging to the eyes that haunted me.

  I jerked myself away from the wall, not realizing how close he had been standing. I had to grab onto his upper arm or risk falling into him, not that that would have been so bad, but it would have been inappropriate considering the boyfriend I had left back in the classroom.

  I had no idea what to say. "I—um—"

  "Sorry. I didn’t mean to—uh—scare you." He had his hand still setting on my hip from his attempt to steady me, and I could feel the heat of his palm through my T-shirt. His eyes bore into mine causing my heartbeat to jump to light speed. Then, just as quickly as it had all happened, he dropped his hand and turned away.

  "Why do you—I mean—this is just—" He didn’t seem to know what he wanted to say. "What are you doing?" He sounded angry and frustrated.

  Weighing my options, I thought it best to play dumb. "Getting some air and something to drink."

  "That’s not what I mean and you know it!" His jaw was clenched so tightly I thought it might snap.

  Of course it wasn’t what he meant, and he had every right to feel this way, but it left me without a clue about how to respond. What could I possibly say, "Sorry, I just want you both at the same time, doesn’t that work for you?" I leaned back against the wall again, closing my eyes.

  "What are you doing with him?" he demanded.

  "I don’t know." I hadn’t meant to sound wounded, but that’s how I felt—like a trapped and wounded animal.

  "Neither do I, Piper," he spat as he turned and walked away, shaking his head.

  I let myself wilt onto the ground, pulling my knees up close to my body and dropping my head on top of them. I could feel my lower lip quiver and swallowed back the tears threatening to overtake me. Why did this have to be so difficult? With my hands on top of my head, I attempted to curl into a small ball and melt away.

  Suddenly, the warmth of his hands were on mine. He slowly pulled me up, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, opting for the ground instead.

  His voice was softer, but still so sad. "When you’re with him, do you pretend I don’t exist?"

  I continued to study the cement I was standing on.

  "Evie, I know you’ve been with him a long time, and I know about his family and everything they’ve done for you." He seemed to be choosing his words carefully, rubbing his thumbs nervously on my hands. "Look at me," he said firmly. "Please, Evie, look at me," he added more gently and more desperately as he nudged my chin up until my eyes met with his. "You don’t owe him anything."

  "Yes, I do," I stammered quickly. "He’s been there for me for so long."

  "So you owe him friendship and respect. Do you think it’s respectful to cheat on him?"

  "I have not, I mean I didn’t mean to, I won’t—"

  "Really?" He arrogantly stepped forward, causing me to step back against the wall. Hidden between the vending machines, he brought the palm of his hand up to caress my cheek as his other hand rested at my waist.

  I felt a little dizzy, a little overwhelmed—okay, a lot overwhelmed. All I could do was watch as his lips came to touch mine. I could feel the warmth of them, the softness, but he held back from kissing me.

  "Tell me to stop, Evie," he whispered against my lips, "tell me you feel about him the way you feel about me."

  I tried, really tried, but I couldn’t say it, couldn’t make myself want him to stop. He paused for an endless few seconds, and then he was kissing me, really kissing me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him as he sent my world completely out of control. Every muscle in my body felt tenser than they had ever been, coiled and ready to spring at any moment.

  All too soon, he pulled his lips away from mine, gathering me in his arms and holding me close. My brain was reeling, my whole body was thrumming.

  "Hey now," he whispered softly in my ear. "It’s okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you."

  Scare me? What did he mean by that, I wondered as the realization that I was shaking hit me. I felt a few tears escape my eyes and fall down my cheeks. He had completely destroyed my senses. I was suddenly scared. Frightened of my own reaction to him, fearful about how incredibly nice his strong arms felt wrapped around me, I let myself continue to tremble.

  His hu
shed tones and sincere concern calmed me more than anything, and I found myself relaxing into him. When I stopped trembling, he pulled back from me.

  "I’m sorry I pushed you. I just wanted to remind you, to show you again, whatever this is between us. It’s not like anything—I’m sorry."

  "No," I whispered shakily, "I wasn’t scared." At his raised eyebrow I continued, "I mean, not because you kissed me—I mean, yeah, it was because you kissed me, but not because you made me. I just—you just, overwhelmed me a bit—a lot."

  He smiled then, a gentle arrogant smile. "You overwhelm me, too."

  "You don’t shake," I pointed out.

  He put his hand on my cheek and rubbed my lower lip with his thumb. "Just because I don’t show it on the outside, doesn’t mean I don’t feel it on the inside."

  "Psst… Vaughn!" He stepped away from me and turned toward the corner of the building. "Berg’s gonna kill you if you don’t get back in here!"

  "Right thanks, Gary!" he yelled back. Shaking his head, he looked back to me. "I owe that friend of yours about a hundred favors by now."

  Smiling sheepishly, I stared back down at the ground. "Sorry."

  He nudged my chin back up until I was looking at him again. "Hey, you’re worth it." He added a wink to his statement. Walking backwards away from me, he said firmly, "And Evie… break up with him."

  All I could do was nod in response. Kissing Devlin hadn’t made things any easier. I’d cheated on Jay three times now. And the way my mind wouldn't let go of the feel of Devlin’s lips against mine made me realize that despite my good intentions, I wouldn’t be able to say no to him if he tried to kiss me again. I had to break up with Jay. There was no way around it.

  No Longer Running in Circles

  "What’s your biggest fear when it comes to breaking up with Jay?" Sonya asked as we ran together during track practice after school. "I mean, I know you’re afraid you’ll lose his friendship, but if he were a true friend, he wouldn’t stop talking to you because you didn’t want to be romantic with him anymore."