Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  “I don’t know anything about it.”

  “I’ll take you. You’ll be my invite.” Shio rolled her eyes at Reina. “Not a date. Just something to tell our therapist you did.”

  “I see.”

  Shio pulled a cell phone out of her back pocket. “What’s your number?”

  Before Reina went home, she swapped numbers with Shio and said she would think about going to the party. Maybe. She would have to talk it over with Aiko, and that alone could put her off since her wife didn’t really understand such things.

  The evening commute rush was over by the time Reina caught the next train headed home. She texted with Jun, who claimed to be in the bath, sending oversexed messages back and forth that would make Reina gag to know someone else on the train read. All these men. Wearing her pantsuit and making a tired, angry face because she didn’t know how else to feel, she decided she was a man at that moment, sexting with his mistress. Suddenly she wasn’t embarrassed by the thought of being caught.

  She got home to a declaration that Jun was out of the bath and “waiting.” She got home to an empty, dark house and a message from Aiko saying she was running late.

  “Well,” Reina said, kicking off her shoes and heading upstairs. “Only one thing to do then.” She called Jun’s number and went into her dark bedroom.

  “Are we gonna do it?” First thing Jun said when she answered her phone. “Mou, don’t tease me if nothing’s gonna come out of it. I’ve been thinking about you all evening.”

  “Just me? Shouldn’t you think of your girlfriend as well?” Reina sat on the edge of her bed, taking off her jacket and unbuttoning the front of her blouse. “Just thinking of me when you’re at home could be bad for you.”

  “You don’t understand. I’m so wound up. As much as I love my girlfriend, she would have to spend a week doing what you can do in a night to get me to calm down.”

  “I see, and even then I’m only one woman on the phone.”

  “Don’t care. Fuck me with me your voice.”

  She could do that. Some would say she was particularly good at it.

  The only thing was that Reina didn’t get much out of it beyond mild amusement. She wasn’t big into masturbation, unless her situation was as dire as Jun’s, and a big part of sex for her was the physical sensations, the mental connection, and the scent of two – or more – bodies coming together in sexual revelry. The sounds were great too, as evidenced when she became aroused when Jun started moaning over the phone, but nothing could come of it on her end. She couldn’t feel the heat of Jun’s skin, taste her sweat, or have the other woman directly stimulate her in turn. That was what made sex great. It was why porn and phone sex didn’t do much for Reina, although phone sex was better than porn.

  “Are you ready?” Reina asked, lying on her bed and staring at the black ceiling.

  “Yes. Are you hard?”

  Of course she assumed this was man-Reina she was fucking. Why shouldn’t she, when that’s how it was 90% of the time? “Of course I’m hard. A stunning woman like you begging for me to fuck her? I was hard ten minutes ago.” She suddenly felt naked between the legs, prompting her to open the nightstand drawer and stare into her abyss of cocks.

  “Oh, good. Which one is it?” Another drawer opened on the other side of the line. “Not that any of mine are as big as yours...”

  “What do you mean by that? I’m there, aren’t I?”

  “Oh, of course.”

  At this point Reina could hear the sharp breaths in Jun’s voice as the anticipation riled her up. Yeah, she’s a little horny. If this were real life, what would Reina do to her? Everything. She liked it when Jun begged in the bedroom, and had no doubt that she would be begging now. Such truths required only the best equipment. “But since you asked, it’s your favorite one.”

  Reina pulled out her inserting piece, which was not Jun’s favorite, but she didn’t have to know that.

  Fine thing trying to put on her cock while Jun was already going to town on the other end. Reina had to balance her cell phone between her cheek and shoulder while finagling her pants open and her end of the cock inside of her. Mostly she wanted the clitoral stimulation it offered, but in order to achieve that she wanted to insert her end and jerk the other.

  Too bad Jun was already orgasming by the time Reina was ready.

  “That didn’t take long,” Reina bemoaned into the phone. Now what? She hoped Jun would be ready for round two soon. “I didn’t even come yet. Stop hogging it all for yourself.”

  “I couldn’t help it.” Breathless Jun turned over where she lay. “I was imagining you doing your thing and...”

  “I’m gonna do it again. So spread those legs open, and this time don’t come until I do.”

  “Yes sir.”

  One of the biggest drawbacks to phone sex was that Reina couldn’t lose herself to motions and moans. There was no pair of legs wrapped around her waist. She had to tell Jun what she was doing instead of doing it. She could yank on her cock all she wanted and feel the tingles from the nubs, but Jun didn’t know how fast or how hard it was supposed to be unless her girlfriend told her. I don’t want to say a thing. Reina just wanted to fuck.

  Like the drama queen she was, Jun came too fast again, leaving Reina in the sexually frustrated dust. “Fuck you,” she mumbled.

  “I can’t do it anymore,” Jun said weakly. “I’m done for now. Did you do it?”

  “No.”

  “Do you want me to talk you through it?”

  “No.”

  “Well then.”

  Reina cut off the conversation shortly after that. If this were real life, she would indulge Jun with some cuddling, maybe even spend the night holding her as she liked. But this wasn’t real life. This was a phone call, and Reina was left with her hard and ready cock and no one to fuck with it.

  She shut off her phone and looked toward the doorway. Her wife stood there, blushing as she intruded on an intimate moment.

  “How long were you standing there?” It was not the first time Aiko played the voyeur while Reina played with fantasies in the bedroom. “I didn’t hear you come home.”

  Aiko cast her eyes toward the ground. “I saw most of it.”

  “And you just stood there?”

  “I didn’t want to interrupt.”

  Reina patted her wife’s side of the bed. “I’m glad you’re home.”

  “Oh?” Aiko put down her purse and walked toward her spouse. She was dressed in jeans and a long-sleeve blouse. Not the sexiest outfit in the world, but Reina didn’t care. She knew every inch of Aiko’s body, and she could see it in her mind. Take off those pants and ride my cock, darling. Again, it wouldn’t be the first time Aiko the voyeur got that kind of ending. “Did you need something?”

  “Yeah, you.”

  Aiko realized what her spouse implied and looked away with a self-satisfied snort. “You just fucked your girlfriend over the phone. You think I want her sloppy seconds? I just got home after a long day.”

  “All the better to relax, eh?” Reina rolled next to her, pressing her cock into her wife’s back. “And phone sex doesn’t count. That was more for her than me.”

  “And what about me?”

  “What about you? Do you want some too?” Reina purred into her wife’s ear, licking the bottom of her lobe while rubbing Aiko’s arm. When she pushed her hand beneath Aiko’s blouse and grabbed her breast, she was happy to find that her wife sported one already hard nipple. Of course, it could’ve been from the cold, but who was keeping score?

  “You just want a warm body,” Aiko teased.

  “No.” Reina embraced her, pushing harder into her back whilst kissing her neck. “I want you. My wife.” The woman I would really marry. She often didn’t think that so whole-heartedly.

  Aiko seemed to consider her pillow for more than a few seconds. “I want you too.” She brought Reina’s arms around her torso and swung her leg over her spou
se’s. “And a hot bath.”

  “Sex first, bath after.”

  “Hai.”

  Reina kissed her wife and unzipped her jeans. When she entered her a minute later, Aiko let out the most beautiful gasp Reina heard that night. And this is why I married her. Not the primary reason, but damn near up there.

  “Can I tell you something, Aiko-san?”

  She looked up from the book Yuri loaned her, meeting her lover’s eyes only a few centimeters away. It was Yuri’s first time at Aiko’s house since the fight with Hiroyuki. It was also the first cold snap of the season, and the warmest room in the house was the bedroom. Dressed in sweaters and thick pants, Aiko and Yuri piled beneath the covers, cuddling close even though they barely touched. Hot tea cooled on both nightstands.

  “Of course you can tell me.” Aiko put the book down between them and snuggled into Reina’s pillow. Yuri preferred to be on Aiko’s side of the bed when she came over. Is this cologne? Reina didn’t usually wear it during the week, and Aiko washed the linens on Monday.

  Yuri bit her lip. “I had sex with my husband for the first time in months.”

  That got Aiko’s attention. She propped her head up on her arm and said, “I thought you two were...”

  “Yes, we fought again. Not as loudly this time, of course.” Yuri flopped down onto her lover’s pillow and pulled the covers up around her chin. “I don’t know how it happened. But one minute we were arguing about our infidelities, and then the next we were in bed having sex unlike ever before. Even when we were younger we didn’t do it like that. It was so... well, no offense to you or your spouse, Aiko-san, but that was some of the most thrilling sex I ever had. I didn’t even know my husband could do it like that.”

  “I see.” Aiko didn’t know what else to say.

  “We talked last night after our daughter went to bed,” Yuri continued. “We decided to at least be amicable until our daughter graduates university and gets a job. So at least ten more years, I suppose. By then who knows what I will want from life. I’ll be almost fifty.”

  I’m closer to it. Aiko would be past fifty in ten more years. “And your liaisons?”

  “I told him I didn’t care what he did as long as he didn’t bring something disgusting home. You know how men can be sometimes. Sticking it in willy-nilly without protection. Luckily my husband isn’t that stupid. He claims to use a condom with his hostess girlfriend, and that she’s the only one he’s been with outside of our marriage, but I don’t know about that. Anyway, I didn’t push it, because he said I could do whatever I wanted too as long as I don’t cause trouble for our reputation.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Yuri sucked in her cheeks. “I guess we should be careful in public.”

  Aren’t we already? They never held hands or even whispered into each other’s ears when they were outside their homes. By all accounts they looked like a normal pair of friends having coffee or shopping together. Damned nosy neighbors. Reina always said... “I’m glad you two worked it out, even though it sounds like your marriage may be flat-lining.”

  “It started flat-lining a long time ago. I would be lonelier had I never met you and rekindled my feelings for women. My husband would still find a mistress. At first it hurt me to think about, but besides that, my life is good. My daughter is smart and active. I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. My husband makes good money so we can live a comfortable life. I don’t mind taking care of his home life if it means I can take care of mine and my daughter’s as well. I can’t support myself, so I need this marriage.”

  “And you will still have sex with your husband?”

  “Maybe. Once in a while. I prefer the pleasure of women, as you know, but once in a while I also love my husband’s touch. Especially now that I know he can... well, never mind. I don’t suppose you’re interested in those details.”

  No, Aiko was interested. Maybe not the part where it was Hiroyuki, who had lowered in status in her opinion, but she was interested in knowing what men could do. She almost brought it up, but she wasn’t sure what her feelings were on the issue and didn’t want to confuse her friend. Besides, she didn’t want to make this about her confusion anyway.

  “So where does that leave us?” Aiko finally asked, running a gentle finger down the bridge of Yuri’s nose. “Your husband knows about us now. Do you think it will cause problems?”

  Yuri shrugged. “I don’t know. Right now I don’t care. I think your spouse put some fear into him if he tried to mess with you.”

  Oh, Reina. One thing Aiko could say about her spouse was that she didn’t fuck around when it came to protecting her. Reina probably couldn’t take Hiroyuki in a fist fight, but she could stare the fear of Sappho into his soul. Aiko had seen such things happen first hand over the years. “I mostly meant… we get to still do things together, right?”

  Yuri sat up, her black tresses covering Aiko’s pillow as she smiled. “I was hoping you would ask. We’re in bed, aren’t we?”

  “That we are. Am I enough for you?”

  “Of course you are. When it comes to women, you’re more than enough.”

  When it comes to women… Was this how Reina heard such things? Luckily Aiko didn’t have the same problems as her spouse, but… “I am more than happy to be enough for you. But if we couldn’t be lovers anymore, know that I would still love to be your friend.”

  “This is why you’re too sweet, Aiko-san. You don’t know how lucky I am to have met someone like you as my very own neighbor! You’ve probably saved my life.”

  Aiko didn’t know if it was that dire, but she appreciated the sentiment all the same. Yuri was a sweet woman, and the way she made love was even sweeter. If this was what it was like to have some wholesome love on the side, then Aiko was glad to know it. She placed a kiss on Yuri’s throat and gently rolled on top of her. That’s what girlfriends were for.

  When Reina arrived home Friday night, she encountered a large, flat package in the middle of the living area.

  “Nani kore?” She slumped down at the table as her wife came into the room, dinner sizzling on the stove only a few meters away. “It’s from America?”

  “It’s for you, so I haven’t opened it.” Aiko pointed to the return label hidden in the top corner of the package. “Can you read it?”

  Cheeky. Reina was not fluent in English like her wife, but she could make out words like “USA” and “Miranda,” which was the real name of her friend Michiko. “Where’s the scissors?”

  Before Reina could even bother to remove her jacket or sit down, she had a pair of scissors and a small knife popping open the copious amounts of tape keeping the large package together. Aiko went back into the kitchen to finish dinner, but looked up every few seconds to see her spouse’s progress.

  Reina freed the top of the package and lifted it up to reveal... layers of bubble wrap and paper stuffing Once she dug through that, she encountered the back of a canvas. Her curses of surprise drew Aiko out of the kitchen again, this time helping her spouse unpack the painting and a letter attached to it.

  “Kirei!” Aiko exclaimed, smiling at the large, rectangular painting of two butterflies in flight. One was a light, silvery blue while the other was a dainty pastel pink. Together they created a torrent of purples that overtook the painting, with golden leaves embedded around the edge. In the corner was Michiko’s artist signature, and a date that showed it had been completed two months ago. “What does the letter say?”

  Reina was relieved to find the letter written in Japanese, even though some of the kanji was scribbled out and rewritten again in places. That’s what happens when you move back to America. “Do you want me to read it out loud?”

  “Sure, if you don’t mind.”

  Reina cleared her throat. “I know it’s early. I wanted to make sure this gift made it to you two in time for your anniversary next month.’” I’ll say, that’s not for another six weeks. “I’ve been wanting to paint y
ou two a portrait for a while now, but it wasn’t until this past summer that I was finally struck with inspiration. It’s not much, but I want you two to have this painting from the bottom of my heart.’” Reina stopped reading there, although there were more lines below. “I guess it’s an anniversary present.”

  Aiko looked at the back of the canvas and traced something with her finger. “And a birthday present for you. It says so right here.” She lifted her head with a smile. “Where are we going to put something this large? It won’t fit out here... ah, how about in our bedroom? Naruhodo! We can hang it above our bed!”

  Is she serious? Reina eyed the size of the painting and tried to imagine it hanging above their bed. There wasn’t anything aside from a small picture of flowers there now, but this would be quite the upgrade. “Not sure that’s a good idea. What if we knock it off the wall while we’re having sex?”

  “Sou kashira... that’s a possibility.”

  “I was half joking.” Reina pulled the box off the table to make room for dinner. “We’ll figure out a place to put it.”

  While Aiko went to get dinner, Reina finished reading the letter from her friend. “I may not be able to make it this New Year’s. Take care. I hope this present makes up for my absence.” It wouldn’t, but Reina couldn’t help but touch the edges of the painting and be smitten anyway.

  Another lonely Saturday evening bit into Aiko’s psyche.

  Reina was at a party in Ni-chome, and only people with gender dysphoria were allowed. Although she had lunch with Takeshi earlier that day, Aiko was not impressed that her spouse was out partying while she was bored at home – Yuri was busy with one of her daughter’s functions, not that she was available on weekends anyway. I need more friends. If Aiko were the type to go out alone, she would. But unlike her spouse she was not comfortable hanging out in Ni-chome on her own, so she stayed home and debated calling her mother or her sister to chat.

  Instead she flipped through a book that Takeshi loaned her while a news program played on TV. When that bored her, she picked up the remote and began channel surfing, wondering if she was better off renting a movie or dunking her head in battery acid.