Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  Variety shows. Badly dubbed Western movies. Children’s anime. Travel shows. Baseball game. Sex scene...

  Aiko stopped on the sex scene, for no other reason than because she thought the woman’s breasts were gorgeous – and the rest of her too.

  I wish I had tits like that. Especially now that hers were starting to sag, or at least what she had of them. Reina stilled pawed at and groped her like before, but Aiko put little stock into it. Now if Reina encountered the woman in this scene... all bets were off. She would rip off those clothes and really grab those breasts.

  Aiko wanted to do that too. But the woman on the TV screen was distracted by the guy she was fucking. So was Aiko.

  There was power in his body that Aiko rarely saw in women – rarely saw in Reina. It seemed effortless, the way this man thrust into his lover. Of course this was the magic of television: in real life, those two weren’t having sex at all. But the fantasy was there, and Aiko drank it in as she once more wondered what it would be like to have that kind of experience.

  She turned off the television and got up to make herself dinner.

  The book entertained her through her meal, albeit minimally. At least the English words took her mind off the erotic scene she just watched. Good thing, since Reina wouldn’t be home for a couple more hours. But if she’s in her male-space tonight, maybe... Aiko traced the location of some of their kinkier tools in her mind. Damn, she was hormonal. I must be ovulating. That meant Reina was too, and when Reina was like that...

  She was a powerhouse... insatiable. Over the years, as their cycles synced, one week every month usually contained the most explosive sex of their marriage. Aiko wiggled in her seat and choked down a spoonful of fried rice. Suddenly the words on the book’s page didn’t mean anything anymore.

  After she did her dishes, she sat down at the breakfast table adjacent to the kitchen and pulled out the old laptop she and Reina bought years ago but rarely used. The internet was even spottier, but what Aiko wanted to watch wouldn’t do on her tiny cell phone screen. Until Reina came home, anyway.

  “No, no, no...” Aiko flipped through video descriptions on a random porn site, convinced that she would never find what she was looking for. Most of the lesbian videos on there were atrocious, or not her style at all. She almost gave up when she saw what she was looking for. “Why is this shit so hard to find?” Sometimes a gal wanted to watch one woman plow another one with a strap-on.

  None of them were as good as Reina. Aiko had seen her spouse take many other women before, and nine times out of ten it was a thrilling, arousing experience. These women in the videos barely looked like they knew what they were doing. Bullshit. Reina was better. Much better. She could give any woman a new experience, whether or not she had been with a man or a woman before.

  Aiko picked up her cell phone while one of the women in the video faked an orgasm. You should come home early, she texted her spouse. I want whatever you’re serving.

  Since Reina was at a trans party that night, Aiko hoped that meant... certain things. Maybe she would let her spouse take her in the hallway again like that one time.

  Disenchanted with her current video, Aiko clicked through some others and waited for them to load on her slow internet. None of them were fruitful.

  Until she clicked on a related video that was not what it initially seemed.

  Instead of two women, it was a man and a woman. Just like in that film on the TV earlier. Only this time they were really having sex, and this time Aiko could see every part in its natural – sort of – glory.

  The clip was billed as “women friendly,” and showed a tender lovemaking session between two supposed actors, but at least they looked like they were enjoying it. The woman reacted every time the man touched one of her sensitive areas, and he was tender, sweet, and attentive to her needs. Aiko watched in awe as the man handled his partner in a way that was dominant, yet loving, covering her in affection as he made her feel like a queen. He grunted when his phallus was taken from his jeans and into the woman’s hand, guiding it toward the naked slit between her legs.

  Aiko felt like she was in a strange world as she watched the man thrust into the woman, increasing his strength every time she moaned into his ear.

  One in Aiko’s position could not help but compare it to sex with Reina when she wore one of her phalluses. How could she not, when Reina claimed that she could “feel” it when she was at her most dysphoric? This man, however... there was no question. He certainly felt his cock enter the woman every time he thrust, and he definitely felt a different kind of orgasm building inside of him. When he came the first time, it was inside of the woman, and Aiko couldn’t see it. The next time, however, was the typical porn shot of him pulling out and ejaculating on her vulva and stomach. I expected it to be... whiter? Aiko was embarrassed because she knew nothing about male physiology outside of the basics.

  She restarted the video when it was over, this time with her virgin-goggles off. That looks like it feels good. Aiko thought of Yuri’s comment about her husband’s sudden prowess. While Aiko knew that many women enjoyed physical pleasures with men, she had never thought much about them for herself. After falling in love with Reina and exploring her sexuality with women, she assumed that she had no interest in men beyond platonic relationships.

  The thought that she may be bisexual never fully occurred to her before that moment.

  She watched other videos, some more disturbing than others that were quickly discarded. But the others she found like that first video opened her eyes to the concept of trying again with a man. When she was a teenager she dated other teens. Boys, really. They knew nothing about pleasing a girl, and young Aiko was not ready for that sort of thing anyway. She was barely ready for Reina when they met. Now she thought of it again with men her own age.

  Men like Takeshi.

  The shame she felt fantasizing about him was unlike anything she felt in years. She often fantasized about other women and felt no shame. Hell, society applauded her for heterosexual fantasies. So why was she ashamed to imagine someone like Takeshi, who once showed great interest in her, naked and in the throes of passion with her?

  Reina.

  Aiko could share her fantasies about other women with her spouse. They could bond over them and explore new things in bed together. Telling Reina that she wanted to try sex with men... in any lesbian relationship it could be daunting, but with Reina especially it was nigh impossible without creating a fracas to end all others. Reina once thought that her wife was cheating on her with Takeshi. Aiko would not cheat, but asking permission to...

  No, it’s a fantasy. Aiko brought herself back to reality as she watched a masterful shot of a man and woman making love. The focus was on the technicalities of it, but that only intrigued Aiko more. Those strong thighs thrusting between a woman’s... the way he loomed over and covered her in shadow.... his sounds, masculine and pleasurable... and of course his phallus as it slid in and out of the aroused woman with little effort, bringing her to the heights of her pleasure as she reached down and rubbed herself to orgasm. Hers led to his, and when it was over, Aiko realized her hand was up her blouse.

  She rarely touched herself to porn. Usually it was fodder to get her aroused until someone like Reina could fuck it out of her. But now that Aiko realized what she was doing, she felt even more ashamed.

  No, she wouldn’t feel ashamed. That was akin to saying it was somehow bad. Reina taught her long ago to not feel ashamed about her sexual desires. She also told her would-be wife to be open about anything she wanted to try in the bedroom.

  Yet she somehow doubted Reina meant this.

  ***

  Although she had never heard of the Cross Party that went on outside of Ni-chome every month, Reina soon discovered that it had existed fine without her for many years.

  “See? I told you it was popular.” Shio closed the door behind them as they entered the dark, crowded space set up with a large bar a
nd plenty of tables. A stage at the back of the room promoted both professional and amateur performances. Cigarette smoke filled the air as every other person in there lit up and talked over drinks.

  To the common eye, it looked like any other publically-private party in the world. Men and women mingled, some of them dancing on the stage while others simply conversed and flirted at the bar and tables. There were far more women than men, however. Two to one, at least. They dominated most of the tables, shrieking in laughter and getting the courage to talk to one of the men milling around. Men like Reina, who was instantly chatted up by a woman the moment she reached the bar.

  “Oh my, a new face,” the woman said, putting one hand on Reina’s shoulder. She was beautiful, with long hair, a body-hugging green dress, and skin dark even in that dull light. She wore bright, colorful make-up highlighting her facial features as opposed to diminishing them. Her smile told Reina that she was lonely and ready for action. “We don’t get many of those around here. What’s your name, cutie?”

  Shio opened her mouth behind Reina’s other shoulder, but the man of the hour said, “Ren.” That name left a bitter taste in her mouth, but it was the first thing she thought of that wasn’t feminine like her real name.

  “Hi Ren, I’m Sharla.” She said it with only a slight accent. “Care to...”

  “Yo, he’s with me.” Shio pulled Reina back to an empty space at the bar. Sharla rolled her eyes and went to get another drink.

  “What was that for?” Reina asked, as Shio ordered them a couple of beers. Tonight she wore a dark blue dress covered in sequins, large hoop earrings that grazed her bare shoulders, and enough body glitter to signal a plane coming in to land. “She seemed nice.”

  “Trust me, you ain’t ready for a gal like that.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  Shio turned down a cigarette as Reina lit up. “She’ll eat you alive.”

  “Please, remember who you’re talking to.”

  “I am.” Shio took the beers and handed one to Reina. “And you’re used to a different kind of woman.”

  You mean anatomical women? Reina hadn’t forgotten where she was. Odds were good a lot of the women in there were like Shio. Reina didn’t mind. To flirt with, anyway. Sex was not a goal that night.

  “Anyway, you look good... I don’t think many people would guess you’re not...”

  Reina leaned against the bar and blew smoke through her lips. “Trans?” Maybe I am tonight. She was certainly cross-dressing. From the moment she woke up that morning and decided to go to the party she went into her male headspace. She began by wearing her most comfortable phallus and speaking in the most masculine way she was accustomed to, even if it was just around her wife. She was mindful of her posture and the way she looked at others. This wasn’t a lesbian bar. This was a different world with different expectations.

  For one, the other men there were real men. Not like Reina, who was only a man when it was necessary for her to be one. These men were not masculine women – they were the real deal, even if beneath their clothing they may still be binding their breasts and wearing strap-ons like Reina. But from the outside they laughed, spoke, and sat like any other group of men Reina was accustomed to. Some of them even had facial hair. Hormones? She thought about taking those once, but decided against it long ago. Now she wondered if her clean-shaven look made her stand out. Some still say I am beautiful. When Reina checked herself in the mirror before she left, she was content with her masculine cut pantsuit, and she often passed for male when she behaved in this manner. But it wasn’t her lifestyle. These other men at the Cross Party? She had nothing on them.

  Especially when one of them slinked behind Shio and whispered something into her ear.

  “Sorry, not interested. Nothing personal.” Shio shook the guy off her and scooted closer to Reina. The man looked up, caught Reina glaring at him, and wandered off toward his buddies. He thinks she’s my woman. There were too many layers to that thought.

  “I hate it when they do that,” Shio said, still nestled in Reina’s personal space. “The one thing I don’t like about these parties. Everyone assumes you’re straight.”

  Reina barked in laughter and nearly choked on her beer. “You’re a real lesbian, all right.” Realizing that is a rite of passage. Trans or not, men liked to think they could approach any woman in their sights. “Don’t worry. It wouldn’t be my first time using my masculinity to make a lesbian feel safe in public.”

  “Really?”

  “Nah.” It made Reina think of Jun, an otherwise androgynous woman who liked to dress up feminine for Reina and pretend she was her boyfriend when they went out to dinner. Reina often played along. It gave her a massive thrill to have people – especially men – think she was some bigshot douchebag and Jun was the main, stunning squeeze. Her girlfriend wasn’t there that night, but Reina didn’t mind having another lovely woman take that place.

  “Your wife wouldn’t mind?” Shio nodded toward the wedding band on Reina’s hand.

  “She understands.” Aiko benefited from her spouse’s manner all the time, whether she realized it or not. As Reina got older and embraced her gender expression more, it became easier to hold hands with and even kiss her wife while in the city. Most people assumed she was a feminine looking man.

  Except for the people at this party, who all knew she was born female.

  Two women wearing their clubbing best approached Shio and shared kisses, hugs, and screams of laughter. She introduced them: Tara, a woman in a silky wig and bold make-up, and Mimiko, a woman wearing a pink frilly dress and lots of plastic jewelry. They sat next to Shio and ordered some drinks. Tara put one hand on Reina’s shoulder and told her she was handsome.

  The night was strange. Reina wavered between feeling at ease with herself, since everyone perceived her to be a man, and uncomfortable, since she was surrounded by men trying to make new friends and flirt – sometimes with the other men. Sexuality is a strange thing. If Shio could be a transwoman and lesbian, then any of the transmen around there could be gay as well. Don’t flirt with me. If Reina could make it through the night without a man hitting on her – even if they also thought she was a man – then it would be an okay one.

  Shio asked her what she was thinking. Reina didn’t say anything. She knew better.

  For as the night wore on, she realized she did not belong. She enjoyed the kind and beautiful women hitting on her, even if it was tongue-in-cheek sometimes, but she did not enjoy the pressure she felt from the moment she entered that door. I am myself, but only by their standards. Somehow things were easier in the general public. In a restaurant Reina could dress and sit a certain way, and people would assume she was a man. At this party, people scrutinized her, judging the way she rested her legs, held her drink, smoked her cigarette, and said hello to other people. Did she use masculine pronouns? Did she speak with a deep voice?

  While Shio and friends danced, Sharla crept behind Reina and stole the seat next to her.

  “Where’s your woman?” she asked, pushing her chest up to make sure Reina saw her rack. Impressive. Reina took a drink and stared at her wedding band. “She seemed pretty adamant that I couldn’t handle you.”

  Reina hissed through her teeth and sat up, legs spread on her seat as her phallus pushed against her vulva. Biggest one in the room. Sharla would love it. “If you mean the lady I came with… she’s up there.” Reina pointed to the stage.

  “Then she must not mind if I talk to you.”

  “She’s not my keeper.”

  Sharla pointed to the wedding band on Reina’s finger. “If she heard you say that…”

  “She’s not my wife, either. Just a friend. My wife’s at home.”

  “Oh… she must not be…”

  “No.”

  Sharla turned in her seat, elbows leaning against the bar. “Lucky woman. You fuck her with that monster in your pants?” This time she pointed to the bulge in Reina’s trousers
.

  By now Reina was on her third cigarette of the night. “This one and others.”

  A pink, frisky tongue ran over Sharla’s teeth. “I like a man who switches it up. What say we get out of here…” She sidled up next to Reina, rubbing her back and breathing into her ear. If Reina’s dick were real, it would be springing from her zipper. “Ditch your friend. I’ll give you the best blowjob you’ve ever had.”

  Doubt it. Sharla hadn’t met her target’s girlfriend. “Direct.”

  “I always try to be. So what say you? I’ll show you what a real woman’s like.”

  Reina pulled her cigarette out of her mouth. “What if I told you my wife likes threesomes?”

  “I’d tell you I’m not really into women, but if she wants to watch…”

  That’d be a hoot. “Sorry, but I’m not in the mood for one tonight.”

  Sharla stepped back before laughing. “That’s one of the nicer let-downs I’ve had tonight. Too bad. You look like you know how to give it rough to a girl.” She brushed her hand against Reina’s shoulder and winked at her again. “Don’t blame me for trying.”

  “I never would.”

  Sharla went to scout some dick from elsewhere, and Reina was left to finish her cigarette and beer while Shio and company hopped down from the stage and returned to the bar.

  “Was that the woman from earlier?” Shio asked, after saying goodbye to her friends. “You narrowly missed that mess. She’s like a vulture, I swear to God.”

  Reina extinguished her cigarette. “She seemed nice.”

  “If you think someone pecking your carcass is nice.”

  Something vibrated beneath Reina, and she reached into her pocket to pull out her cell phone and see a message from her wife. “You should come home early. I want what you’re serving.”

  “Important?”