Ikigai

by Hildred Billings

  The biggest problem with being back to “normal” was that Reina’s standard of normal was not like most people’s.

  So when her boss started giving her crap a week later, she took it differently. When he told her to “smile more,” because she was better again, she forced a grin; when he asked her to take a dictation because “women have finer ears than men,” she nearly stabbed herself in the eye with her pencil; when he insinuated that he was glad she was better because “a feminine presence is most needed in this office,” she was ready to go up to the roof and fling herself off the edge.

  It did not help that she woke up that day with her gender dysphoria flaring.

  Reina could not say what made her wake up some mornings feeling like a man trapped in a female body. When she went to bed the night before she did not feel this way. In fact, she and Aiko were joking about putting on dresses and frolicking through the streets. I’d throw up now. She hated it. She hated the insecure feelings it brought, the uncertainty that she may never be better… and the fact that nobody understood her.

  Well, almost nobody.

  During her lunch break she went into the restroom and texted Shio. “I’m having one of those days,” she said. “I don’t know what gender I am.”

  She didn’t get a response until she went into a stall to readjust her strap-on. Timely. “Who says you have to be a particular gender? In truth, there are days that I wonder if I made a mistake. Not because I don’t feel like a woman, but because I wonder if one day I’ll want to be a man again.” Then, a few seconds later, “It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know if other people feel this way. People like us are told that we have to ‘pick a side’ and stick to it. But what if there are no sides? What if this binary only exists in our heads? You are who you are. If you are masculine male-Reina today, then no one can tell you otherwise.”

  Reina put her phone away before leaving the restroom. She didn’t know if she felt any better, but at least she didn’t feel worse.

  It was the little things that added up, however. Being called a woman – since that made her less than the men – and expected to do “female” things. With Reina’s cock between her legs, it felt like the biggest joke in the world. Why can’t I be a man today? She sat at her desk, unable to concentrate on the files that needed her attention. Normally she was one of the most productive people in her office. Today she could barely keep herself together.

  She wanted to go home. She wanted Aiko. Her wife.

  It was the same downward spiral she always found herself in when it came to these days. She wanted to be seen as male, but the world saw her as female. Therefore, she wanted to be in the sanctuary of her home with her wife, who knew how to handle this and assuage her bruising male ego. She would tell me how handsome I am. How well I provide for her. Call attention to the male parts of my body. Reina didn’t like needing that kind of validation.

  Come five-thirty, she was free for the weekend.

  Normally she would have headed straight home. But feeling as she did, she instead went to an unknown neighborhood and attempted to blend in as a man.

  Not difficult when she had the physique and the walk. She also naturally spoke in the male style, using masculine pronouns and sentence endings. The only thing that gave her away at times was her voice, but over the years it had deepened from the cigarettes and her determination to be more masculine. So no one batted an eye when she went into a convenience store and stood in front of the porn racks with other salarymen, flipping through disgusting pictures of women showing off their pixilated genitals and fake breasts. The point wasn’t seeing the images – it was being seen with them, and acknowledged that she was allowed to be a part of that club.

  She then stopped at a bench to have a cigarette and call her girlfriend hundreds of kilometers away. Jun was no longer hard-up for sex now that her real girlfriend was home, but she was available to chat nonetheless, having dinner by herself in her hotel’s restaurant.

  Jun also knew how to deal with Reina’s male ego. She told Reina that she was a wonderful lover and that no woman could escape her charms, no matter the size. Reina liked that. She insinuated that she wanted to know more about how great her body and her skills were, so Jun said, “No man has ever satisfied me like you do.” She managed to say it without laughing – because it wasn’t a laughing matter to either of them.

  The ultimate test came when Reina entered the station and stared down the restrooms.

  Do it. She stood between men’s and women’s, one frightening while the other mocked her. Women glanced at her before entering the room marked in red; men ignored her while they entered the room marked in blue. These women wonder if I’m a man. Should she not be in the middle of a dysphoric episode, she would tap into what femininity she had and saunter into the women’s room, hips swaying and voice up so she wouldn’t scare the others in there.

  But she was dysphoric right now. Enough so that she gathered the courage to enter the men’s restroom and piss with the lot of them.

  Of course she didn’t actually piss. For one, she didn’t have to go. For another, she hadn’t investigated peeing standing up like some others did. No, this exercise was about standing in the middle of a room with men lining up to relieve themselves in urinals, paying no mind to each other. Reina didn’t have to look, nor was she expected to. She stood in front of a mirror, tall, practicing her male mannerisms as she cleaned herself up by brushing the lint off her suit and pretending to smooth out the five-o-clock shadow she didn’t have on her chin.

  Not a single man looked at her. They had no interest in her. She was just another man to them. Once she got over the feeling of being threatened she felt a surge of power in her veins that never existed before.

  I’m a man. Strange to look in that mirror and see masculine angles, stance, clothing, and aura. Power filled her veins. She was aware of every male part of her.

  Her phone buzzed in her jacket. She pulled it out as men came and went from the sinks beside her.

  “Where are you?” Aiko asked. “Are you working late? Going out with coworkers?”

  Reina was quick to respond. “I am coming home…” She erased that. “Your husband is coming home.”

  ***

  When Aiko saw that message come in, she had to double-take.

  She never calls herself my husband… Aiko thought back to that morning, when Reina woke up acting more sullen than usual. It could have been for a number of reasons, but when Reina embraced her and kissed her goodbye that morning, Aiko felt the bulge in her spouse’s pants. It was one of those days, not that Aiko minded.

  Yet her spouse had apparently become quite afflicted that day. Aiko had no idea what to expect, so she went back to preparing dinner. It was nearly finished when Reina finally came home around seven, grunting in greeting and going to sit at the table in the living area.

  Aiko peeked out from the kitchen. She looks the same as always… Reina sat cross-legged in her spot, upright and confident. She’s not really relaxing. Cushions were always in Reina’s vicinity since she liked to lounge on them after getting home from work. Sometimes Aiko would curl up with her while they watched a show or movie before bed. Not tonight, I guess. Aiko popped back into the kitchen and got a bottle of beer from the fridge. When she took it out to Reina, she said hello and stroked the top of her spouse’s head.

  She received a stoic glare. Not menacing, resentful… Just very masculine. Aiko’s ankles wobbled as she returned to fixing dinner.

  They ate their meal in silence. Aiko wanted to ask her spouse how her day went, and she usually would, except Reina was not herself tonight. No, she’s my husband, I guess. Aiko never had a husband before. She sat at the head of the table and ate her supper while stealing glances at her spouse. Later, she wouldn’t even remember what was playing on TV.

  The one time she decided to open a magazine she was met with Reina’s piercing gaze.

  Aiko dropped one of her chopsticks.


  Once, twenty years ago, Reina looked at her like that. They were in a love hotel room, nervous nineteen-year-old Aiko psyching herself up to have sex for the very first time. And not just with anyone. With Reina. The unapologetically feminine in her own way Reina with long hair, limited make-up, and a flair for the occasional skirt. That Reina was not in love – at least not with Aiko, yet. Instead she only had a mind for seduction, and Aiko was her target that fateful Christmas day.

  Aiko saw that gaze now. The gaze of a seducer looking at her like that for the very first time. It went straight to Aiko’s gut and lit her soul on fire.

  Reina looked away. The profile she presented her wife was unfamiliar – masterful and kingly. I don’t know this person. Of course she did. It was her spouse of two years and partner of twenty more. But it was a new side of her. A side never presented to Aiko so unabashedly.

  When Reina glanced at her again during a commercial break, insides unraveled at the smile breaking on such a confident countenance.

  Was this what it was like to be seduced by the same person over and over? Aiko felt as if she were melting where she sat, willfully submitting herself like a doll to be played with. Her heart burst with love – but she didn’t know if it was the love she had for “Reina” or the fleeting, nervous love of a first timer. Aiko found herself leaning around the edge of the table, lost in her spouse’s bright brown eyes.

  “Hai,” Reina said in a deep voice, her hand presenting the half drank bottle of beer. “You should have some.”

  Aiko blinked. “Why?”

  Reina leaned in now, her hand easing over her wife’s on the floor. “You should loosen up. It’s Friday night. Something should happen.”

  Before Reina could suggest it again, Aiko took a large gulp of beer and slammed the bottle back onto the table. Her hand never unclenched from her spouse’s. We better have sex tonight! The thought of it swirled in Aiko’s loins, and she crawled around the table and let her hand coax up her spouse’s arm. That domineering gaze never left her bashful demeanor.

  “I love you,” Aiko said. The show came back on TV, but neither of them looked at it.

  Reina merely smiled. A squeeze of the hand; she leaned back on her arm. Aiko pried away to clean the dishes. Perhaps the cold water from the sink would snap her out of this stupor.

  It did, barely. When she returned, Reina was posed like the model she could have once been in her prime. She is in her prime. Reina was the type of woman who only got better with age. Sure, she was a riot of pleasure and fun when she was younger, but now her skills were so refined that young and virginal Aiko would have never survived that first time in bed. If I knew then who I would be with now, I would’ve died. She felt like she was dying now.

  “Aiko,” Reina said carefully, her voice enunciating all three syllables in her wife’s name equally. There were no nicknames tonight. “Go upstairs and put on that red nightgown of yours.”

  “Eh?” Aiko had barely sat back down at the table. “Why so sudden?”

  Reina turned toward the TV and did not say another word.

  What the… Aiko knew what was going on. Reina wanted sex. Why didn’t she say so? The way Aiko was feeling that night, she was more than willing to give a kiss, spread her legs, and take what Reina offered between her own. But she assumed that would come later… maybe even right there in the living room. It happens sometimes. Aiko liked it because it made her feel naughty, urgent. Like when Jun was over and they couldn’t all roll into bed together. But they had all the time in the world for each other that night. Why the games?

  Because she needs them. Aiko’s husband was home, and he wanted to play a game.

  After another minute Aiko stood up and went upstairs. She couldn’t believe she was following such orders.

  Of course she could believe it. She wanted to play the game as well. Too long since they had a long, hard night in bed. Since Reina’s stint in the hospital, all they had managed was the tender kind of lovemaking they both enjoyed on occasion. Even though Aiko adored that, she wouldn’t say she wanted it only. Her body tingled as she entered their bedroom and pulled her blouse over her head.

  She had no idea what Reina was going to do or when she would be up there. Or was it he? Why am I so nervous? Goosebumps ran up her bare arm. It’s not like we haven’t had sex before! It wasn’t even like they never role-played before. Damn. Reina was more intimidating than usual that night.

  Aiko liked it, and it left her waiting on the bed both in trepidation and jittery excitement.

  Five minutes passed.

  Ten minutes.

  The TV was still on downstairs. Aiko thought about texting her spouse, but then went against it. Don’t ruin the game. Aiko shivered – the TV turned off downstairs.

  Twenty-two years together, and now Aiko was shaking in awe on her bed. No one else could do this to her. This wasn’t the nauseating nervousness she felt when waiting for Takeshi to undress – this wasn’t even the virginal anxiety she felt the first time she had sex. No, this was a wife waiting for her spouse, the love of her life, to come to her. To know her and to love her.

  She had no idea what Reina was going to do to her.

  A detour to the restroom. The sink running. Footsteps, slow and heavy, down the upstairs hallway. Every step that brought Reina closer to her was another shiver down Aiko’s spine. At the last moment she sat upright on the bed and tried to contain her nerves.

  Reina was in the doorway; Aiko was another second closer to dying in her mortal shell.

  Without a word Reina closed the door and took off her jacket. She loosened the necktie around her neck but did not remove it. She kicked off the slippers adorning her feet. This is my husband. Dashing, handsome, and wild. A man in control of his destiny and his worth. I’ve never… Twenty-two years with her husband, and she had never been with him.

  Reina looked at her. She, he, it did not matter. Whoever Reina was, she eased herself onto the bed, clear eyes never leaving Aiko’s frame.

  “You are beautiful in red,” Reina said with a deep, gruff voice. When she touched her wife, Aiko nearly came unhinged at the seams of her limbs. Reina pulled up her wife’s hair, surrounded her, and licked the tip of her ear. Little squeaks of acquiescence chirped from Aiko’s throat. “The color of wanton desire. It suits you.”

  She bit the strap of Aiko’s negligee and tugged on it with her teeth. Undress me. Aiko wanted to be naked. She wanted Reina to be naked. Together they would make passionate, frenzied love in their marital bed, with a pair of butterflies fluttering above their heads.

  “I heard that you have a desire,” Reina continued, her breath hot in Aiko’s ear. “You want to know the touch of a man.”

  Aiko blushed as red as her negligee. She glanced down and saw both of her nipples attempting to burst through the lace. Reina noticed as well and chuckled. One pinch to a nipple later, Aiko said, “I…”

  “Shh.” Reina stroked the length of Aiko’s hair, brushing fingers against scalp and tickling the back of a tense neck. “Don’t be ashamed. It’s natural for a woman to have curious desires. You’ve only known a woman all your years. Good thing you’re married to a man, huh?”

  “Y… yes.”

  Kisses adorned her neck and the tip of her throat. Take me. Aiko wanted the squeezes, the groans, and the feeling of fullness inside of her. “Do you deny that I am a man?”

  “No.” Aiko was familiar with her spouse’s – her husband’s – increasingly male urges. The dysphoria did things to her brain and body that Aiko would never understand. All she could do was support Reina and… well, maybe reap some of the benefits. “You’re a man.”

  “And yet somehow you’ve never been with one before. Do you deny being with me?”

  Was this a trick question? Was Reina pretending to be someone else entirely? What was the right answer? Aiko did her best to not lie. “I have been with your body before, but I’m not sure I’ve been with you.”

 
“Ah. That’s why I married you.” Tiny kisses turned into greedy turns of the lips and bruises against skin. “You get it. Let me reward you.”

  Reina wrapped her arms around Aiko’s body and grabbed both of her breasts, striking the air out of her wife’s lungs as pleasure – or at least the anticipation of it – flooded her veins. “Reina…” she whimpered. She wasn’t sure that this person, this man, was “Reina.” But she wanted to know that her spouse was in there before they continued.

  “Yes?” The voice was gentle, soft.

  Relieved, Aiko closed her eyes and smiled. “I’m ready,” she said. “To be with a man. Show me what it’s like.”

  “Are you sure you can handle it? A lesbian fucking a man might be too much.”

  Aiko tensed but did not back down. “Not if she enjoys it.”

  Those grips turned into a hug from behind. It was the last time for a while Reina showed that sort of tenderness toward her wife.

  The mattress beneath Aiko rolled as Reina slipped off and stood before her. There was no mistaking the bulge in those trousers. It was not like that earlier. Usually Reina tucked it in as much as possible so she could get through the day without drawing too much attention to herself. She must have moved it around when she went to the bathroom. Now there was no denying that her spouse – her husband – was hung and ready to fuck her. I’ve never been with a man before. Didn’t matter that they had role-played similar scenarios before. Wait. This wasn’t a role-play anymore. This was reality. Reina was a man, even if for tonight.

  That realization took hold of Aiko and strangled her. This wasn’t her Reina-chan. This was Reina, but a new her that was dominated by… him.

  This is it. Aiko looked away before her husband could see the anxiety in her face. I’m going to be with a man. One who wouldn’t be as gentle as Takeshi.

  “Look at you.” He saw it. “Are you ashamed of being with me? Do you want your female spouse back that badly?” It was almost an accusation. Please don’t think you’re worthless to me now. On the contrary…