Between Before and After

by Dick, Amanda

  “Are we going in or shall we just sit here and wait for them to bring the stuff out to us?”

  Finn blinked and turned to stare at Gavin. “What?”

  Gavin jerked his head towards the supermarket. “Doesn’t look like they have online ordering, mate – we’re probably gonna have to do this the old fashioned way.”

  Finn cleared his throat. “Yeah, right. Sorry.”

  He led the way into the supermarket, trying to concentrate. What did he need? The truth was, the only thing he needed was a magic wand to make all of this go away. A time machine would be handy, too. He’d turn back the clock to the day when they first started noticing that Danny was out of sorts, and he’d bail him up about it. He’d make him tell him what was going on. He’d avoid the whole fucking mess.

  Gavin wandered off, leaving Finn to drift aimlessly from aisle to aisle, picking up random items and then discarding them. When they met at the checkout several minutes later, Gavin’s arms were full and he unloaded them gratefully, giving the young girl behind the counter a quick smile.

  He looked at Finn sideways and noted his empty hands, but he didn’t say anything. Finn turned his back to the cashier, leaning against the counter with his arms folded across his chest. Gavin paid and bagged up the groceries and they trudged back to the car in silence. The simmering anger that had fired Finn up earlier had been replaced with a quiet melancholy.

  “Let’s find a pub,” Gavin suggested, as they climbed into the car.

  “Best idea you’ve had all day.”

  Finn was in no hurry to go back to the beach house. They found a pub in the next street over and parked the car, walking along the busy street in silence. Tourists surrounded them, flooding into the gateway town either on their way to or from somewhere else. It gave the town a peculiar feeling to it, almost dreamlike. The physical location added to the feeling of surrealism, nestled as it was at the base of the inlet, the hills rearing up behind it, dwarfing the town and its inhabitants. Finn had often wondered what it would be like to live here all year round.

  They stood at the bar, waiting for their beers to be poured, and Finn spied a table by the window. The pub wasn’t busy, just a handful of patrons at this time of the day. The view was of the street outside, and the harbour at the end of the road, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t here for the view.

  Finn had known these few days were going to be tough – they always were. This time though, he was looking forward to moving on. It had been three years since Danny’s death. Max should be getting better, not worse. He had been looking forward to telling Kate about Kelly and seeing her reaction for himself. But, with a sinking feeling, he realised that nothing was turning out the way he had hoped it would. Everything was just as screwed up as it had ever been, and he found himself laying the blame firmly at Danny’s feet for that – or he would have, had he been here. Taking a large gulp of beer, he acknowledged that that in itself was the problem. If Danny had been here, he would have demanded he stop torturing Max and let Kate go. But as it was, he had no one here to blame and there was no easy fix. He leaned forward, crossing his arms on the table top and staring sullenly at his beer. Gavin kicked his foot under the table.

  “What?” Finn frowned over the table at him.

  “What’s going on with you?”

  “Nothing.”

  He leant back in his chair, staring out the window, not really paying attention to anything in particular. His brain churned over and over what Kate had said. The guilt in her eyes had been unmistakable and that was what bothered him the most. What did she have to feel guilty about?

  “Bullshit.”

  “Just leave it, Gav,” he warned. “I’m not in the mood.”

  “Really? Can’t say I noticed.”

  Finn glared at him briefly, silently warning him off, before turning his attention back to the window.

  “Come on, spit it out. Is it this thing with Max?”

  Finn opened his mouth to say something then thought better of it and promptly closed it again. He wanted to say yes – it was Max, and it was Kate, and above all, it was Danny. It was every-bloody-thing. Sucking it all down, he crossed his arms in front of him again and leaned forward on the table, his head down.

  “It’s Kate,” he admitted.

  It was as good a place to start as any. If Gavin wasn’t going to drop it, he had to say something – and he didn’t feel like spilling his guts about his concern for Max again, especially after what happened this morning. As for Danny, he was doing his best to handle that, to keep a lid on it, but he sure as hell didn’t want to talk about it.

  “Okay,” Gavin said. “What about Kate?”

  Finn cleared his throat as he considered how much information to divulge. “It’s hard to explain.”

  “Right. So… does this have anything to do with what happened at New Years?”

  “Maybe.” Finn frowned. “Except it seems much more complicated than I thought.”

  “Christ, you sound like her,” Gavin groaned, rolling his eyes.

  Finn stared morosely at the glass of beer on the table in front of him. Why couldn’t things be simple? When did everything get so damn complicated? If only Kate knew what she wanted. Then, maybe, he would know where he stood. One minute she seemed sure, the next she was backtracking, looking for a way out. Twice they had almost kissed, and twice she had backed off. Maybe he should just see the signs for what they were – flashing neon lights, ten feet tall, reading NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

  “Hey come on – what’s the big deal?” Gavin said, trying to lighten the mood.

  “The big deal is that she’s my dead friend’s girlfriend.”

  “No – she was your dead friend’s girlfriend,” he grimaced, recovering quickly. “There’s a difference.”

  “Is there? I don’t think there is – not in her eyes, anyway.” Finn sat back in his seat, deflated.

  “What happened?”

  “I’m an idiot, that’s what happened. I tried to kiss her - again.”

  “Wow – go you. Sober and everything,” Gavin nodded, clearly impressed. “And?”

  “And she backed off. Again.” Finn stared at the table top, sticky with condensation rings. “What a fucking mess.”

  “Hmm.”

  “What the hell does ‘hmm’ mean?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe she just needs more time?”

  Finn huffed out a breath and raised his eyebrows sarcastically. “Yeah.”

  “Now you’re the one being vague. Care to explain that one?”

  Finn stared at him for a moment, frustration welling up inside him again. He glanced out the window, ignoring him. What was the point of discussing this with Gavin? He didn’t see the look on her face. The guilt was there, plain as day. It’s not something you forget.

  “Finn?”

  “I’m beginning to think it’s got nothing to do with time,” he said, his gaze firmly on the street outside. “I’m beginning to think it’s me.”

  Flashing neon lights, ten feet tall.

  “If that were the case, then why would you guys have had these two close encounters over the past couple of months? She’s not the type to play games and she’s not desperate – she hasn’t even had so much as a one night stand since Danny died, never mind an actual, honest-to-God relationship. God knows, she hasn’t tried to kiss me, so she clearly has boundaries.” He winked, trying to throw some levity at the situation. “Lack of taste notwithstanding.”

  “Not helping.” Finn said, but his words began to sink in nonetheless. He had a point. Maybe he should just let things rest for a while and see what happened. He had been clear about it earlier.

  It was up to Kate now.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Gavin gave the passing scenery merely a cursory glance as they drove out of Picton and back to the beach house. He had been willing to bet good money that Finn and Kate stood a good chance of getting their collective shit together, but maybe he had been wrong. Between them, the changes in
Max, and trying to navigate through Lacey’s fresh bout of grief, this anniversary was turning out very differently. Why did it feel like everything was suddenly back-sliding, descending back into the bowels of hell he thought they were finally free of?

  “I think Lace’s had some kind of reality check or something, about the baby,” he said, almost to himself.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I was sorting out the kayaks earlier, and Max came out to tell me that he found her on the kitchen floor, bawling her eyes out.”

  “Shit. Is she alright?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never been through anything like this before. How can you tell?”

  “I don’t know either. Completely outside the realm of my experience, mate.”

  He stared blankly out the side window as the scenery passed them by. The winding road made the beer swirl in his stomach. “She’s been so strong, so together, over the past couple of weeks. I guess it was bound to come sooner or later. I feel like tits on a bull – bloody useless. I wish I could just make it all better.”

  “I think all that matters is that you’re there for her.”

  They lapsed into silence again. Being there for her seemed like a back-up plan – something to do when you had no idea what it was you should be doing. It was a catch-all. Just be there for her. How the hell was that going to help her? The road was one long winding ribbon of grey and he found himself wishing it would end. He tried to take his mind off the swirling in his stomach by changing the subject.

  “I went to talk to Max earlier, after what happened between you two this morning,” he said, glancing over at Finn. “Things got a bit weird.”

  “Weird how?”

  “He asked me what I thought Danny was thinking about, right before he… y’know.”

  “Bloody hell.”

  “I know. Apparently, this is the sort of shit he thinks about.”

  Finn shook his head, but kept his eyes on the road.

  “Makes you wonder what else goes on inside his head, doesn’t it?” Gavin said. “Have you talked to him since this morning?”

  Finn huffed sarcastically. “What’s the point? You saw what he was like. Pretty sure I’m not his favourite person right now.”

  “He doesn’t hold grudges, you know that.”

  “That’s probably because he’s so smashed, he can’t remember.”

  Gavin had nothing to add so he just stared out the side window, watching the scenery. Slowly, the idea that had been germinating at the back of his mind for the past hour or so made its way forth.

  “What if he had nothing to drink?” he said. “If we can keep him sober, maybe we can get him to see what’s going on. We might be able to talk rationally to him about it without the drama.”

  Finn turned towards him, frowning, before turning his attention back to the road, easing into another bend.

  “Yeah, I think I follow. What did you have in mind?”

  “Well, what if we get rid of all the booze?” he said hopefully, his eyes lighting up as the idea gained more and more momentum. “Removing temptation might help?”

  Finn took a few moments to consider the idea, his eyes on the winding road ahead. “Do you think so?”

  “He says he doesn’t have a problem with booze, so let’s see if he can prove it. If he does have a problem, well, maybe he’ll admit it sooner rather than later. Either way, I can’t see it making anything worse.”

  “Yeah, I can see where you’re going with that. Suppose it can’t hurt. We’ll have to keep him busy, distract him.”

  “I’ve got an idea about that, too,” Gavin said. “You feel ready to make a grab for the title?”

  Three years earlier

  Finn pushed open his bedroom door slowly, peering around the corner into the room. The morning light was washing over the room, breaking through a crack in the curtains and illuminating Kate, who was curled into a ball, asleep in the middle of the bed. The blankets strewn around her haphazardly testified to a restless night. She was fully dressed, although she had taken her shoes off.

  She had been adamant she didn’t want to go home last night. She was so shaken, he hadn’t pushed the issue. It had taken her hours to wind down enough to sleep, and by that stage she had been too exhausted to argue when he insisted she take his bed while he spent the night on the sofa.

  He hoped she had managed to get some rest, because he certainly hadn’t. He had tossed and turned all night, going over possibilities in his head. She and Danny had argued. She wouldn’t say what it had been about, only that it had been over something stupid. What she did say had scared him though. Danny pushed her up against the wall and raised his hand to her. She insisted he had never actually struck her, and that he had never done anything like that before, but she was absolutely terrified. He had spent all night trying to make sense of the situation, but it didn’t matter which way he turned the pieces, nothing fit. It wasn’t logical – Danny wasn’t like that, he didn’t hit women. He sure as hell had never struck Kate before – he had double-checked that fact. So what the hell was going on?

  He rose early, dressed and threw down a cup of coffee while he contemplated what he was about to do. Satisfied she was sleeping soundly, he grabbed his keys and quietly let himself out, wincing as he eased the door closed behind him. He stood outside his front door for a few moments, juggling his keys. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say to him, but he had to talk to him about it. Something like this just couldn’t be ignored. He was as worried about Danny as he was about Kate.

  And this time, unlike previous chats recently, he wasn’t going to be fobbed off by some bullshit “I’m fine – everything’s fine” excuse. It was becoming more and more evident that the complete opposite was true. It had gone so far beyond that now that he wouldn’t even be able to see “fine” with a pair of binoculars.

  He parked outside the old villa and cut the engine. He had no idea what he was going to say to him, how he was going to get the truth out of him. He reached the gate and pushed it open, the squealing old hinges grating on his fragile nerves. The closer he got to the front door, the less sure he was about what he was about to do. Hadn’t he already tried to get Danny to spill the beans to him about what was going on? And hadn’t Danny already shot him down with the patented “I’m fine” routine?

  By the time he had walked up the front path, climbed the few steps and crossed the veranda, his face was set in stone, even if his resolve wavered slightly. He paused in front of the door and took a deep breath. He recalled Kate, as she was last night. She had arrived at his flat in a hell of a state. She was sobbing hysterically, crumpling into his arms as he opened the door. She had been confused and frightened. It had taken quite some time to get her to calm down enough to tell him what had happened.

  His resolve hardened. He rapped on the door and lifted his head in defiance. Whatever was going on with him, he was going to get to the bottom of it. He waited a few moments but there was no sound from within so he knocked again, getting irritated now, wanting to get this over with. No response.

  “Danny! Open up!”

  Angrily, he banged on the door with his fist a third time. Answer the door, damn it.

  “Danny!”

  Still no response. He huffed out a frustrated breath and leaned into the door.

  “Danny, open this damn door – I’m not leaving till you do!”

  Just as he was about to bang on the door a fourth time, it opened slightly and Danny peered out at him. Finn shoved the door open further and marched in. Once inside, he whirled on him, ready to climb into him and demand some answers. But when he saw him, he stopped in his tracks.

  Danny stood there, staring at the ground, his shoulder length hair a mess. He was unshaven, his eyes red-rimmed and glassy. He looked as if he hadn’t slept for weeks. He looked nervous and ashamed. It took the wind out of Finn’s sails immediately. He had spoken to him on the phone this week but the last time he had physically seen him had been last weekend. He l
ooked like he had aged ten years since then.

  “What the hell’s going on?” he demanded without further preamble, anger being slowly replaced by concern.

  Danny shrugged and turned away from him, closing the door quietly. He leant against it for a moment, his back to Finn, seemingly considering the question. Finn got the definite feeling that he was going to try and weasel out of answering any questions and he wasn’t in the mood for that, not after having Kate sobbing in his arms last night. He drew himself up to his full height, raised his chin and tried again.

  “Hey – start talking,” he prompted, folding his arms across his chest. He wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily. He should be ashamed of what he did – at least that meant he had the guts to acknowledge that what he had done was wrong. That was a step in the right direction.

  “You’ve seen Kate?” Danny mumbled, his back still to Finn.

  “Yeah, I’ve seen her. She came around to my place last night, scared shitless!”

  Danny took a shuddering breath and turned around to face him. He leant back on the door, his hands behind him, eyes downcast.

  “What the hell were you thinking?” Finn demanded.

  “Is she okay?” Danny asked after a few moments, finally raising his head.

  Finn saw the fear and confusion oozing out of him and it stalled him momentarily. “Yeah, I think so. But she’s scared – of you. She told me what happened. She said you were going to hit her – what the hell happened? What’s going on with you?”

  Danny pushed himself away from the door, shuffled past Finn down the hall to the living room, and collapsed on the sofa. Slumping forward, he crossed his arms over his knees and let his head fall on them.