Between Before and After

by Dick, Amanda

  Finn exhaled helplessly. It didn’t take a genius to see that he was remorseful. He sank into the nearest armchair, waiting. Glancing over at the coffee table, he noticed a glass and a bottle of whisky. Both were empty.

  “You need to start talking, and you better make it bloody good because I’m not leaving till you tell me what the fuck is going on.”

  Danny’s hands fisted in his hair, grabbing handfuls and holding tight. The moments stretched out until he finally slumped back into the sofa, his hands falling limply to his side. He stared at the wall opposite him blankly.

  “I don’t know,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what happened.”

  “You’re gonna need to do better than that. Were you boozed? High? What?”

  Danny shook his head. Finn tried to decipher him, to understand what was happening. Something sure as hell was, and it had been happening for a while now. He was changing, and he had no idea why.

  “Are you in some kind of trouble?”

  Danny swallowed audibly, glancing over at Finn and shaking his head slightly. His eyes took on a haunted look that scared Finn. The knots in his stomach tightened.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt her. I never would’ve…”

  Finn’s heart stopped for a moment as he watched nameless emotions cross Danny’s face. He could see how sorry he was, he could see he wasn’t lying. But there was more.

  “You’re freaking me out. You know that, right?” he pressed, leaning forward in his seat. “Something’s going on, and you need to tell me what it is so I can help. I don’t care what it is, I’ll get you out of it, but I need to know what you’re dealing with. Is it drugs? Is it money? Is something going on at work?”

  “What? No, nothing like that,” Danny insisted, sniffing miserably. “I just… I snapped and I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean it.”

  He had never seen Danny cry, not once, in all the years they had known each other. Seeing it now was even more proof that something serious was going on, possibly more serious than he thought. He was even more determined to get the whole truth out of him as a result. Fear bolstered him, urging him onward. Fear of what Danny might be dealing with, fear of losing him if he didn’t help him figure out what to do about it.

  “Not fucking good enough.”

  “I’m sorry, alright? I don’t know what more you want me to say. It just happened!” Danny croaked miserably, roughly wiping at the tears sliding down his cheeks.

  Finn’s resolve melted. “This isn’t you – I know that. I’ve never known you to do anything like this before,” he said. “But that’s what’s scaring the shit outta me. What’s going on with you – and don’t tell me everything’s fine, because I’ve had enough of that bullshit. It’s time to get real. I want to know the truth.” Danny refused to look at him. Finn gave him ample time to reply but when he didn’t, he pushed harder. “Come on, mate. Please?”

  Danny shook his head slowly but didn’t look up. “I don’t know what to tell you,” he said in a small voice. “I fucked up.”

  So, that was it. He seemed fixated on what happened with Kate, ignoring everything else. Finn should have been disappointed or at the very least surprised, but he wasn’t. He had almost expected this.

  “Yeah, you did.”

  Danny looked up finally and Finn was once again faced with those haunted eyes.

  “Can you do something for me?” Danny asked, sounding every bit as exhausted as he looked. “Tell Kate I’m sorry… for everything.”

  Finn frowned. He didn’t want to get between them any more than he was already. “You can tell her yourself. She’s at my place.”

  “Can you just…” Danny looked over at him, tears rolling down his face. “Can you just tell her for me? Please?”

  Finn couldn’t help the nausea that rose up and grabbed him by the throat. “She needs to hear it from you.”

  Danny wiped the tears away and pressed into his closed eyelids with his fingertips. “Yeah.”

  He seemed broken – hopeless, even. What was going on here? And if Danny wasn’t answering any of his questions, who would?

  “Hey,” Finn said, leaning forward. “It’s gonna be alright.”

  Danny nodded again, his jaw muscle twitching. “Yeah. Okay.”

  His shoulders sagged as if the weight of the world rested on them. He clenched his trembling hands into fists on his knees.

  “You want some coffee?” Finn asked, standing up and rolling his shoulders to loosen the tension resting there. His head felt like it was in a vice and his neck was stiff from a night spent on the sofa.

  Danny seemed to consider it for a moment then shook his head slowly. “No. Thanks.”

  “You sure? Looks like you could do with some,” Finn commented, indicating the empty whisky bottle with his eyes.

  But Danny shook his head again, staring at the floor. “No, it’s okay. I’m fine.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Max asked, as Kate handed Lacey a cup of coffee.

  “I’m fine – sorry about that. It just all piled up and… anyway, I’m okay. Thanks.” She gave a thin smile, her eyes still red and puffy, even after ten minutes in the bathroom.

  “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Lace,” Kate said, rubbing her back gently. “Sometimes it helps.”

  Lacey took a small sip of her coffee. Clearly, she wasn’t ready to discuss it. The three of them settled into chairs on the deck, subdued. Kate glanced from Lacey to Max, neither of whom seemed to be in the mood for conversation.

  “Remember the incident at New Years?” she said, breaking the silence.

  “What, with you and Finn?” Lacey rested her coffee cup on the arm of the deck chair, suddenly attentive. “That incident?”

  “I heard about that.”

  “You did?” she asked Max.

  “Finn told me last night.”

  “Ah.”

  “So? What were you gonna tell us?” Lacey prodded. “Did something else happen?”

  “You could say that,” Kate hedged, beginning to wonder if she was doing the right thing by telling them. “We had a bit of a… repeat performance, you might say.”

  Instead of the shock she expected, Lacey just smiled. “I knew it.”

  Kate frowned at her.

  “I mean, I wondered if he’d make a move here, this time.”

  “This time?”

  “Oh come on – after what happened at New Years, you must have known?” Lacey said. “Didn’t you see the signs? They were clear enough from where I was standing.”

  “Signs? But, he was with Kelly. I –“

  “Not anymore. Don’t you think the timing was a bit convenient?”

  “I wondered that myself,” Max said, taking a sip of his beer.

  “I feel sick,” Kate groaned.

  “So, what happened?”

  Kate stared at her coffee, her heart racing. “He tried to kiss me.”

  “Tried? Did he kiss you or not?”

  “Not exactly.” Kate put her coffee mug on the arm of her deck chair.

  “Am I being vague? Either you kissed or you didn’t – which is it?”

  “We didn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I had this… I don’t know… flashback. Or something.”

  “What do you mean, flashback?” Lacey asked.

  Now that they were talking about it, it seemed scarier than before. There seemed to be so much more at stake.

  “Danny.”

  Lacey nodded slowly, waiting.

  “He just popped into my head, right before we…” She shrugged again. “And it freaked me out.”

  She stared at her hands. Why were they shaking? She tucked them into the pockets of her full, floral skirt and stretched out in the deck chair, thinking.

  “So, this kiss. Did you want it to happen or not? I’m confused,” Max said, taking another sip of beer.

  It seemed ludicrous, to have a conversation like this with Max aroun
d. It felt like girl talk, but then after her chat with Gavin last night, she realised that gender had nothing to do with it. They all knew each other so well, it made sense to talk it over with them. If anything happened, they would need to know. One way or the other, it was very likely that things were going to change. If it affected her and Finn, it would affect all of them. Suddenly the pressure seemed to increase tenfold.

  “I don’t know. I thought I did.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “I don’t know!” Kate said again, increasingly annoyed at herself and her lack of insight. “I thought I was ready for this.”

  “Maybe you just have to try a bit harder?” Lacey said gently. “If it’s what you really want, I mean.”

  Was it what she really wanted? It had seemed clearer when Kelly was still in the picture. She had been a safe-guard, a reason not to go there – an excuse. Finn had Kelly, he couldn’t want her. But now all that was gone – no safety net, no Kelly, no reason not to give this a try.

  And Finn had made it perfectly clear that he did want her. The million dollar question was, as always, what the hell did she want?

  By the time they arrived back at the house, Finn and Gavin had formulated a solid plan. Determined to keep the booze as far from Max as possible, they would hide it all in the Monaro. Finn would keep the keys on him, just in case Max decided to snoop. Of course, they would have to tell Max what they had done with it all, there was no question about that. What bothered Finn the most was that they were effectively removing his crutch. There was no guarantee that cold turkey would force him to face up to what was happening, but their options seemed so limited. They had rationalised it repeatedly by saying that something had to be done. This was something they hadn’t tried before. Hopefully it would force him to stop and take a good look at what he was doing.

  Finn guided the Monaro down the steep driveway, stopping just beside the house. They got out and he turned to slam the car door, nervous suddenly. He leant on the roof of the car, fiddling with his keys.

  “So, you ready for this?” he asked, hoping like hell that Gavin wasn’t having second thoughts. He couldn’t do this by himself. It was going to be hard enough doing it collectively.

  “Yeah. Let’s do it.”

  Finn drew himself up to his full height with a shaky breath. “Alright then,” he said, pocketing his car keys and turning towards the house.

  As they walked through the carport, they heard raised voices. Finn’s heart was racing as he made a grab for the front door handle. With Max behaving so unpredictably lately, he had no idea what waited for him on the other side. They rounded the doorway into the open-plan living area to find Max staring at Kate with a bemused grin on his face.

  “What’s going on?” Gavin asked from behind him.

  Kate spared him a quick glance, but her attention was clearly consumed by Max.

  Lacey threw her hands up in frustration. “He cut his hand and he won’t let us look at it – he’s bleeding everywhere!”

  “What happened?” Gavin asked, heading towards Kate and Max to get a better look.

  “Oh for God’s sake – it’s just a little cut, no big deal. They’re just overreacting. Chicks.” Max shook his head, still baffled, and Finn caught sight of his hand wrapped in a tea towel.

  Even from where he was standing, he could see the blood soaking through it. Walking over to stand behind Gavin and Kate, he peered at Max’s hand.

  “How’d you do it?” he asked casually, throwing a sidelong glance at Lacey.

  She answered for him. “He was helping me in the kitchen and the knife slipped – I think he might need stitches.”

  Max rolled his eyes dramatically and tried to move away. “It’s just a little cut, not an amputation – I’ve still got all my fingers.”

  Kate reached out to grab his arm and pulled his hand towards her to get a closer look, clearly out of patience. “Just let me check that for myself, alright?”

  Max rolled his eyes again and shook his head, but acquiesced. He let her unwrap the tea towel from around his hand and shifted from one foot to the other impatiently.

  “We need to wash it so we can see how bad it is – can’t see much because of all this blood.”

  “Look, its fine, really – I can hardly feel it.” Max started to pull his hand away but Kate held on firmly.

  Finn blamed the numbing effect of alcohol but kept his mouth shut.

  “Come with me if you want to live,” Kate commanded, staring sternly up at Max. She dragged his hand through to the bathroom as the rest of him followed closely behind, grumbling half-heartedly.

  “He reeks of booze,” Finn said, watching the doorway they had just disappeared through.

  “He’s been laying into the beers big time since you left.”

  Finn’s heart raced. That was not what he wanted to hear, but he wasn’t surprised. Anxiety stabbed at him over what they were about to do.

  “Yeah, well. He’s about to get a wake-up call,” He rubbed his knuckles over his chin nervously.

  “Where have you guys been? You’ve been gone ages.”

  “Picton. Needed some supplies and stuff,” Gavin said hastily.

  “We better make this quick,” Finn said, nodding towards the beer fridge outside.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Give us a hand?” Finn called over his shoulder as he and Gavin headed for the French doors.

  Lacey followed them, obviously confused, as Gavin quietly explained the plan. They quickly transferred boxes of beer down the steps and along the side of the house to the Monaro, stacking them in the boot and casting wary glances over their shoulders.

  “Are you sure about this?” Lacey asked nervously.

  “I wish I could say I was, but the truth is we need to do something and this is worth a shot.”

  Gavin put his arm around her shoulder as they headed back up the side of the house. Kate’s voice floated down the hallway as Finn hurried down the steps with the last of the beer. Sweating slightly – from the effort, the heat or anxiety, he couldn’t tell – he stashed the last of the beer into the boot of the Monaro, and slammed it shut. He wiped his hands on his board shorts. His heart raced. It was only a matter of time before Max would realise the fridge was empty, and then all bets were off.

  Kate had managed to convince Max to let her use the first aid kit to patch up his finger. She suspected it was deep enough to need a couple of stitches, but he wouldn’t hear of it. Instead, he compromised – she could apply antiseptic cream and gauze, then tape it up. Short of wrestling him to the ground, there was little else she could do. He sat on the edge of the bathtub, watching in silence as she cut the tape around his finger and smoothed it down carefully. She caught a whiff of his breath, sour with alcohol, but she didn’t comment.

  As she followed him back into the living room a few minutes later, Lacey pulled her into the kitchen.

  The mild sense of anxiety that had set in while she was dressing Max’s wound turned into full-blown panic as Lacey explained what the plan was.

  “Oh God – he’s gonna freak!” she whispered frantically.

  Lacey fingered the hem of her t-shirt. “Yeah, I know. But Gav seems to think that’s what he needs – a wake-up call.”

  “Is that what you think, too?”

  “I don’t know, but it can’t be any worse than watching him do this to himself. Maybe with the booze out of the picture, it’ll force things to a head. Do you know what’s going on with Finn today? He’s got a bee in his bonnet about this.”

  “I think he’s just worried about him. Did you hear what happened after breakfast?”

  Lacey shook her head, leaning back against the kitchen counter.

  “After Finn and Gav got back from their walk, Finn had a go at Max about drinking so early in the day. I was sitting on the step outside – I saw the whole thing.” She winced. “It was pretty ugly.”

  “Bugger. What do you think he’s going to do when he realises
the beer’s gone?”

  “I have no idea.” Kate chewed on her bottom lip. “I guess we’re about to find out.”

  “Gav’s got some plan about distracting him with the kayak race – something about keeping his mind off it.”

  “More like delaying the inevitable,” Kate said quietly. “I think we better brace ourselves. This might get worse before it gets better.”

  “Okay, so this is how it’s gonna go,” Lacey said, standing with hands on her hips fifteen minutes later. “When I say go, you’re gonna get your asses out to the pontoon, paddle around it, and then get back to shore. First person to touch the bench wins.”

  “What? We have to get out and touch the bench?” Finn squinted up at her from the yellow plastic kayak. “We didn’t have to do that last time.”

  “New rules, princess,” she winked. “All good? Gav?”

  “Born ready, babe.”

  Finn forced the trepidation deep down in his gut. He wasn’t sure what to expect when they arrived back from town, but Max didn’t seem to be holding a grudge. In fact, he seemed quite amenable. The other side of that, of course, was that it was more than likely the alcohol that made him that way. Well, all that was about to come to a crashing halt, sometime within the next half hour or so.

  Gavin’s plan to keep Max distracted and away from the booze seemed to be working so far. He was determined to enjoy whatever time they had left, before it all turned to custard. He was always up for a little friendly competition, and the kayak race was something of a tradition at the beach house. Max had won it last year, beating both he and Gavin in the round-robin, so it was time for a little payback. The physical outlet was just what he needed to let off some steam.

  Finn glanced sideways but Gavin’s full attention was now on the pontoon out in the bay in front of them. He was a worthy adversary, being just as competitive as he was himself, so to see him taking the race so seriously pumped a rocket of adrenaline right to his heart. There was hardly a ripple on the water and the sun beat down on them. He squinted at the pontoon as sweat trickled down the back of his neck, forcing everything else out of his head except for the race.

  Kate held the back end of his kayak, while Max held the tail end of Gavin’s. His heart raced as they waited for the signal.