Living with Regrets (No Regrets book 2)

by Aimee Noalane

  Unfortunately for me though, my day was ending as it had started. My mother, who was clearly unable to take a hint, knocked at my front door.

  “Abbygail?”

  Sometimes there were advantages to living across the street from Mom—for example, when I slammed the door in her face after I found out Oliver was home; that was awesome—but it also had its disadvantages. The ability to enjoy my peace and quiet when I wanted to be alone was one of them.

  “Abbygail, open the door. It’s your mother.”

  As if I don’t recognize the voice of my own mom.

  I walked to the door, and before reaching the handle to greet her, she pushed me aside and threw a huge fit.

  I really need to learn to lock my doors.

  “Why are you ignoring my calls?”

  I crossed my arms. “Because I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “Is this about those letters? Abby, I swear I didn’t know—”

  “Mom, stop.” My house fell silent, and my mother’s hurt eyes fell on mine. “I’m sorry.” I exhaled, regaining my composure. “Mom, I’m mad, and I need some space to think about this. You hid them—intentionally—for six years. You cannot expect me to just be okay with this. You know what he meant to me…”

  “Will you at least let me explain?” I could feel the remorse in her voice.

  “No. Not now, anyway.”

  “Abby—” she protested.

  “Mom, I said no. I’m going to read them and figure this out on my own. I need you to respect that.”

  “But—”

  “Just let me read them. If you are willing to accept my condition to not talk about this until I’m ready, I promise I’ll stop ignoring your calls. I’ll even come over for dinner tomorrow if you want.”

  She smiled.

  “Do we have a deal?”

  “Yes, but for the record, I’m sorry.”

  “Mom—”

  “And you’re coming over now. We’re eating my birthday leftovers before they go to waste.”

  ···

  It was past nine by the time I made it back home from dinner with my mom and Jacob. I ate way too much, which didn’t help with my already exhausted state. The high point was getting to know my mother’s boyfriend. He really was a great guy.

  After my shower, I picked up my cell phone as well as the remainder of my unread letters and headed to the well-deserved comfort of my bed.

  December 5, 2009

  Dear Abby,

  I’m sorry about not making it home for your mom’s birthday. We were supposed to come, but then my mother got called in for an emergency at work and we had to cancel. At least if we had come to see you, there would have been a little sunshine over my weekend. Instead, I got stuck with mourning family members. And to top it off, I caught some kind of stomach bug. I’m telling you: S-U-C-K-E-D!

  On the bright side, though, my mother got me a new puppy. She is adorable! I named her Freckles because she reminds me of you: feisty on the outside and soft and mushy on the inside.

  I can’t wait for you to meet her.

  Oh, and there is something I want you to understand now that you’re on the dating subject. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why the guys from our school tell you that they can’t date you?

  Just take a minute, and think about it Abby…

  Just so you know, the fact that the guys are still respecting this rule is AWESOME on so many levels. The fact that you think I’m going to change the Don’t Touch Abbygail Evens or Oliver Will Kill You rule is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

  You’re mine, beautiful.

  Just remember that the next time you feel the urge to date some loser I definitely will not approve of.

  Oliver xxx

  FYI, just in case I wasn’t clear enough: I highly suggest you DO NOT contact that Mason guy again.

  I’m coming back for you Abby. Just please be patient okay?

  “Who the hell is Mason?” I wondered out loud.

  I don’t think I could have controlled the butterflies even if I wanted to. ‘You’re mine’ were words I always dreamt about hearing from Oliver’s mouth when I was younger. Too bad I had to read them… six years later.

  I took out my cell phone.

  BlackOrchid: Do you have a picture of Freckles?

  As I waited on Oliver’s reply about Freckles’ picture, I opened the next letter.

  January 5, 2010

  Abbygail,

  I came.

  I walked up the street when your mother went out for breakfast with mine. I bet you didn’t even know they went out together…

  I watched you from the stop sign when you were playing outside with Cole, a little girl with an oversized pink snowsuit, and some guy I didn’t recognize. You were making a snowman and they were making snow angels. When you stood from the ground, you had snow dangling from your wet hair. It was hilarious.

  My eyes were on you the whole time, enjoying the sight of your smile.

  I wanted to be that guy who tackled you to the ground, not the new blondie. I would have snuck snow down your coat and kissed your face until it was all melted on your skin. I’m glad he didn’t do that though, if he had, I would have dragged him away from you and punched him in the face.

  And I would have gotten the chance to see you…

  I swear Abby, I wanted nothing more than to come over, but when I saw you with him, I got scared and then angry, and I just couldn’t go through with it.

  I see the washed away ink on the page. I’m sorry I made you cry again. Please stop wasting tears on me. I don’t deserve them. And please don’t think I’ve erased you from my memory: I still think about you all the time. I’m NEVER going to forget about us, Abs. I’ve already told you… you and I, we’re forever.

  When I play football, I look for you in the bleachers.

  When I skateboard, screw up and fall, I hear you laughing at me.

  When I hop off the bus, I still reach for your hand or expect you to try and outrun me again.

  I dream about you all the fucking time, and when I wake up I have to face the fact that not only are you not in the same room as I am, but you’re not across the street either.

  It’s hard, Abby. You have no idea how much it hurts.

  But I’m trying, and that’s what counts, right?

  Anyway… Happy New Year.

  May all your wishes and dreams come true.

  Love,

  Oliver xxx

  BlackOrchid: You should have come.

  BlackOrchid: On X-Mas, I mean. Maybe if you had, then the whole course of our relationship would have been different.

  My phone whistled as soon as I pressed ‘send’. It was a picture of Freckles. She was an adorable American pit-bull. White with cute little black spots scattered on her face and ears.

  My phone whistled a second time.

  DarkHaze: We said we wouldn’t regret our past, Abby.

  BlackOrchid: No, you said you didn’t regret your past. Big difference, Oliver.

  I threw the phone at the foot of my bed.

  February 27, 2010

  Hi, Abby,

  First of all, it’s fine if you’re still mad at me. I’ve always thought about your bad temper as one of your many charms. I like to piss you off. It’s actually one of the things I miss the most right now: nothing like a good argument with my best friend.

  Your gift was the best idea ever, Abs. I LOVE the pictures. I can see how all of you are still getting along without me. I have to admit though, THAT kind of does sting a little.

  I like your candid poses and your silly faces. But the picture I like the most is the one that has you sitting alone by the park pond. I had it blown up. It’s hanging in my room right in front of my bed. It’s the first thing I wake up to in the morning, and your piercing blue eyes are the last thing I see every night before I fall sleep.

  You look beautiful in that picture, but your eyes… I don’t know. They seem lost. Or sad. What were you thinking about?

>   Abbygail, I’m begging you to not date that Chase guy. You don’t need him. You have me. You already own my heart. You can’t fall in love with him…

  Please?

  I love you. So much.

  xxx

  Tyler took that picture. He always was the one with the camera talent and he rarely left his apartment without it. But I remember how much I hated the photo when I first saw it. Oliver had pinpointed the issue perfectly. I was lost. I missed my best friend.

  My cell phone whistled again.

  DarkHaze: Abby?

  I ignored him and continued reading with huge teardrops rolling down my cheeks.

  March 7, 2010

  Okay, Abbygail,

  I’m not sure how you can possibly think that telling me you have a new boyfriend in the same letter as the one in which you wish me a happy birthday, can be considered as acceptable, but whatever… I mean, do you not even care about my feelings AT ALL?

  You wanted to know why I kissed you in your back yard?

  I kissed you because when we were in your pool, I kept focusing on how fucking gorgeous you were in your pink bikini. You were throwing this fit about me minding my business when I asked you who this guy was that you had a crush on, and all I could focus on was whether or not you still tasted like the root beer we had earlier that day.

  You always smell sweet, Abby. Like root beer or cinnamon or bubble gum. And it drives me nuts. When I hold you, your hair and body smell like oranges and grapefruit. So when you stood there in the middle of the pool with your pissy attitude, all I wanted to do was taste your lips. So I did, and they tasted fucking amazing.

  And at homecoming? When I saw you walk in the gym with the girls, you looked like an angel. I kept thinking: I am leaving her in less than twenty four hours. How the hell am I going to tell her? Can I really do this? This is going to destroy her… this is going to destroy me.

  I felt like we were breaking up, yet we weren’t even a couple.

  So there I was, staring at the most beautiful girl in school, and not only was that girl my best friend, she stole my breath away, and I was leaving her behind.

  When we were alone in the locker room I just had to know… I kissed you.

  And Abby, I remember every stroke and every touch like it was yesterday.

  So tell me, Abs, do you not remember? Did it mean anything to you? Could you not feel what I felt when I kissed you?

  I am in love with you Abbygail Evens.

  You keep saying that you need me... Abs, I need you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Please don’t give up on us. Please?

  Oliver xxx

  My cell phone whistled again.

  DarkHaze: Abby, stop ignoring me and answer your goddamn phone.

  I didn’t. I just cried.

  DarkHaze: Abby.

  BlackOrchid: How does it feel to be on the other side of my bad temper, Oliver?

  DarkHaze: What the hell are you talking about? I’m always on the other side of your temper. It’s why we get along so well ;) Please tell me you’re okay.

  BlackOrchid: You should have called.

  My phone rang, and I didn’t even need to check the screen to know that it was Oliver calling me. I picked up without saying a word.

  “Why are you giving me the silent treatment?” he asked annoyed.

  “Because you should have called.”

  “I’m calling you right now. What’s your problem?”

  “NO. I mean all those years ago. You knew I wasn’t reading your stupid replies, but you never called.”

  “So now my replies are stupid?”

  “That’s not what I meant…” I growled. “Oliver, you made it your purpose to hurt me when you sent your last letter. It’s the only one you addressed to me. You knew I would read it… Why? Why were you so determined to hurt me?”

  “Because I was mad at you.”

  “You were mad that I had a boyfriend, so you decided to take out your revenge on our friendship?” I shouted. “Are you so fucking shallow that you would think, hey, why don’t I hurt Abby today because she’s trying to be happy?

  “That’s not what it was—”

  “I mean, who cares if she’s my best friend. Let’s just make her suffer because I’m in love with her, but she doesn’t know because I can’t find the courage to tell her. But I don’t care because, if I can’t be happy, then she can’t either?”

  “The letter was a mistake, Abby,” he replied angrily. “I didn’t want to send it. It was on my desk in my room, and the moment I decided against sending it, it was gone. My mom saw the unsent letter and gave it to the mailman. She thought she was doing me a favor. I wanted to destroy it.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “Because it was too late, Abs. It was already gone. What would you have me do?”

  “YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED. Oliver, let’s forget for a second that I was in love with you then, and forget that you were in love with me. We were best friends, and you set out to hurt me. On purpose. All you had to do was pick up the damn phone and tell me it was a mistake. You never did that. You chose to let me believe you didn’t care. You broke sixteen years of friendship over spite.”

  “That’s not true. I thought—I guess I just figured—that it was what was best for us.”

  “For whom?”

  “You sounded happy…”

  “And you of all people should have known that it was a big fat lie.”

  “How? How the fuck was I supposed to know? I wasn’t there, Abbygail. You said it yourself once. Things change; people change.”

  “And you once said that you’d never hurt me, never leave me, and that no one or nothing could ever tear us apart.”

  I paused unable to hold back my tears anymore. “Love tore us apart.”

  I was wrong about everything. Had I known about all of this before now, my life would have been completely different.

  “When you decided to kick yourself out of my life, it broke me. Oliver, you might not be responsible for my stupid life choices, but—”

  I reread the last sentences of Oliver’s reply thinking about my life after I had received his letter almost six years ago.

  “Things would have been much different.”

  “Abs—”

  “I have to go.”

  Silent Treatment

  Oliver

  It didn’t take much time after my arrival in BC to realize that since my mother passed, there was nothing holding me there anymore. Of course, I had great friends and a job I loved, but my real family, my home, was back in Carrington. After talking with Laney and Kaiden, the two friends I depended on the most, I came to the conclusion that I’d be putting my house up for sale and would start looking for a new job.

  Three days after going back to work, I found Cole’s father. His background checked out. He was happily married to a woman named Julianne, and they lived together with their young daughter Mackenzie about two hours south of my home town. For the few weeks following my return to the office, I communicated with them and Cole’s case manager regularly. Normally, Social Services don’t tend to ask for cooperation outside their jurisdiction, I guess they made an exception in Cole’s case. It must have helped that my boss and Abby’s boss knew each other well, but I think that what weighed in the most was the fact that I knew Cole and was present when the situation had occurred. I was warned that my recall of the events, as well as my professional opinion on the case, might be solicited which is why they asked me to assist in the case until the hearing was over.

  I pondered the idea of letting her know that I’d be in town the week of the court hearing but went against it despite my desires. The case needed my full attention, especially if I wanted a job in their offices. Impressing them was my priority, so it was best if I permitted myself no distractions.

  Abby hadn’t called in weeks. Ever since I left, I wondered how I could have spent six whole years without her. We had only spent four days together, and it felt as though we had s
eparated for the first time all over again. It was fucking hard. I wanted her back. I wanted our old life back. Kylie, Stephan, her mother, and even Tyler, they all gave me the same answer when I questioned them about Abby. She was doing well, she didn’t show any signs of grieving or anger, and life seemed to have taken its course. They told me to be patient and to give her time, confident that she’d give me a call soon. According to them, she wasn’t the same girl anymore, and me pushing her until she’d agree to forgive me was no longer an option. But, in all honesty, I knew Abby was stubborn as hell, and I also knew she was getting pretty good at compartmentalizing and not showing her true feelings. The only thing that hadn’t changed was that she was unable to hide them from me. I suspected that she was doing everything to avoid talking to me because she knew that I’d be able to break down her walls as I had very often done in the past.

  So as much as I wanted to trust the people she confided in, I also had to trust my gut. If she hadn’t given me any sign of life by the end of the trial, I’d pay her a visit. Angry or not, I had spent the last six years without her, and I was done wasting time. If Jenna was right, and I was the one who knew her best, Abby and I would be confronting each other face-to-face about this whole thing once and for all. And, if the whole discussion took an entire night, then that’s what it would be.

  I walked inside the child welfare center building and took the elevator to the second floor. As I made my way down the hall, I spotted Cole through the window. He was sitting on an orange, plastic chair, nervously taping his foot. As he sat in the unwelcoming decor, I realized that the colorful walls of my office would be something I would miss from the west coast. When I walked in their offices, the drab colors and the fluorescent lights made the environment less comforting. I actually felt like I was a doomed human being.