by Jet MacLeod
“I hope so,” I told him.
He looked so distracted. I couldn’t ask him what it was about. It was his own business and none of mine. I had to let it go, but something inside me kept nagging at it.
Silas and I went on in the buckboard to Mrs. Del Mar’s place for some lunch. Silas had become a good driver under Reece’s tutelage. Reece went on foot to the Shooting Star Saloon. I watched him walk away. I mentally told myself that it wasn’t good to stare, no matter how good he looked going as he did coming.
I could only wonder what business he had there and I was hoping that it wasn’t the whoring kind of business that he had in mind. I decided to let it go. It would do me no good to wonder about something that I could do nothing about.
We entered Mrs. Del Mar’s place. She was happy to see me and wanted to know how her nephew was doing. I told her that Juan was doing good. She was glad to see that I had found gainful employment for Carlos and Stefan.
“They are good boy,” I told her.
“Yes, they are, but they are too young for the ranch, si?” Mrs. Del Mar stated.
“Yes, ma’am, they are. That is why I sent them to work for Loren. He is a good man and needed the help. In a few years, I will get them on the ranch with Juan. He will teach them what they need to know,” I answered her.
“That’s good. Juan is a good man, but he is no Reece,” she said, her eyes hinting mischievously.
“True, Reece is a gentleman,” I replied.
“A gentleman on your arm?” she inquired.
“No, ma’am, he isn’t. He is a gentleman and one I favor. He is leaving in the Fall, so I don’t see how it will work,” I told her.
“Leaving?” she questioned in her thick accent, and then she continued, “Then you must do somet’ing to make him stay. He is too good to look at to lose.”
“I know that. His mind is made up. I don’t know what to do,” I said, frustrated.
“You must do something to make him stay. You must find a way to make him unmake him mind to leave. You must make him want you, chica, you must make him want you, then he will stay,” she stated.
“I doubt that he wants me,” I told her.
“Don’t worry, he will come around before then,” she stated. She yelled something in Spanish into the kitchen before she continued, “I have to go. But, do what I said, you hear. He will be yours. I can see it.”
Mrs. Del Mar went into her kitchen. I couldn’t understand what she was saying but everyone inside her little place could hear her yelling at the cooks. Sometimes I wished that Mrs. Del Mar was on the ranch with me. She was like a mother to me and I would have preferred her to be closer to me. I was so glad that I could come talk to her about things when I couldn’t talk to anyone else about it.
It seemed like forever before she came back from the kitchen. This time she was carrying plates of food, which she put at different tables. She brought one to us and sat down. She looked at Silas and then at me.
“It is Sunday, no?” she asked.
“Yes, Mrs. Del Mar, it is,” Silas answered.
“Then where is mi chico, Reece?” she inquired.
“He had something to do before he came to lunch,” I told her.
“Oh, I hope he gets here soon or he won’t get any of my tamales,” she said, “Everyone is eating them up.”
“I would think that was a good thing,” I replied.
“Oh, chica¸ it is. But, I know how Reece likes them,” she stated.
“Maybe you might want to save him some,” I said, “He should be along shortly.”
“Si, I will do that,” she answered, getting up, “Enjoy you lunch, amigos.”
I knew she meant well, but I wouldn’t enjoy it until Reece came to eat with us. Silas was devouring whatever he could find on the table in front of us. He was a growing boy and he was growing like a weed. Mrs. Del Mar brought him some more food, seeing how fast he was eating it. When she got the plate on the table, Reece came in.
“Chico, it is about time you got here,” she told him, “That boy eats enough for three hands. I’d watch yourself. You might pull back a bloody nub from the table.”
He laughed. It was genuine. She laughed as well.
“You are right. He is growing. I just got him that suit and it looks like I am going to have to take him in for another one soon,” he told her.
Mrs. Del Mar took Reece to the kitchen to fix him a plate, I assumed. I could hear them laughing and carrying on about different things. He nodded at everything that Mrs. Del Mar told him. He seemed to understand what she was trying to tell him, but I didn’t understand a word.
Then I overheard them talking about Silas again. I was grateful that Mrs. Del Mar was talking to him about it. Maybe she could convince him to stay with me.
“He needs a father,” I heard her tell him.
“I don’t disgrace, but I am not the person for the job. He loves me, I know. He trusts me, but I can’t stay and be who he wants me to be,” Reece replied.
“That’s a shame, Reece. That boy loves you. He wants you to stay or he is going to follow you. I hope you realize that,” she told him.
He looked at Silas and then at me. He could see the pain that was reflecting in my eyes. He shook his head and looked back to Mrs. Del Mar.
“Trust me, ma’am. I care for the boy. I care for Miss Rayne. I just can’t stay. I can’t explain it. I know that it doesn’t make sense to anyone but me, but that is how it is. I can’t be what they need,” he told her.
“How do you know that?” she asked him, “Have you even tried?”
“I can’t,” he simply said, “I wish I could be what everyone wants me to be, but I can’t do that. I am sorry. I wish that I could stay for Silas’ sake, but I can’t. I might talk to Miss Rayne about him coming to stay with me after a while, but I can’t take him with me and I can’t stay here past the Fall.”
“I wish you could, Reece,” she told him, “You have done good things for that ranch. I wish you could find a way to stay. I understand though, that the wind calls you away. I just wish that for once, you were the one man that could not heed its call.”
“I’ll not promise you anything that I know that I can’t keep. But, I’ll tell you this, Mrs. Del Mar. I will try. That is all that I can do, now. I hope that you and everyone else will understand that one day,” he answered.
“You sound like you are already gone, boy, but you are standing right in front of me. First, you need to stop thinking like that. Second, you need to see what you have in front of you and think about whether that is enough. Third, you need to make the right decision for you, no matter how much it hurts. If you aren’t happy, then no one will be in the end,” she advised him.
“I know that. Thank you for the lunch. It looks wonderful,” he told her.
“Well, go and eat, before Rayne gets any ideas,” she told him, nodding at me.
I blushed. She had known I was listening, but it didn’t seem faze her at all. She wanted me to know that she was trying to help me. She knew that I was becoming more attached to him. She was trying to make him see that and see that he was needed, may more so than on some plot of land miles away. In the end, though, she told him that it would be his choices and that it should be a choice that he would be happy with. I could only hope that it would in my favor.
Reece sat down next to Silas and started to devour what was on his plate. Silas ate with the same ferocity that Reece did. I smiled at both of them. I could only hope that my ready-made family would stay together in the coming months. There was uneasiness about it, but it was only thing that I could hope for at the moment. I couldn’t give up.
I knew that Reece was thinking about what Mrs. Del Mar had told him. He was pensive throughout the rest of lunch. I couldn’t help but watch him, hoping that I would see something in his face. He was a guarded man. He didn’t betray anything in his eyes. It hurt not knowing, but I guess that it is what happens when you are in love.
Oh my, I was in love w
ith him. What was I going to do? I loved him. I had to tell him. It was the only leverage that I had.
Chapter Sixteen
Reece, the Double Bar Ranch, two weeks later
I sat upon Scout overlooking the horses at the gulch. Silas was down below with Juan. I had to smile at the progress that he was making. I couldn’t help but notice Silas and Juan laughing as they stirred the horses in the herd.
He looked like he belonged on the back of a horse. I knew that he was still upset about the fact that I would be leaving. He understood it to a point, but he still though that I was leaving him. He was young and was beginning to think everyone that he cared about would leave him like his father did, like I was going to do. I hated it for him.
I knew that he was in good hands with Juan. I knew that Juan would continue to train him to be a horseman and a rancher. Juan would pick up where I would leave off. Juan could see how much the boy had progressed and he was happy to have more help with the horses. It would all work out in the end. It had to, I kept telling myself.
I pulled back, gently, on the reins and had Scout back away from the overlook. I tired of the pain that was filling my heart, but I knew that I couldn’t stay. It wasn’t right and Rayne would never understand the truth. It would hurt her more than me leaving. I would have to take the lesser of the two evils.
I came to take rides, daily, on Scout. It was the only way that I could clear my head. It was the only way that I could find the clarity that I searched for from the land. It was the one thing that was keeping me sane. It was the only place that I could be me.
I was still searching, but for what I didn’t know. I was still hoping for a life that I could be happy with. I was still there. I was still working for Miss Rayne. I wasn’t sure that I could leave when the time came. It was starting to affect me.
Scout nodded his head. He knew what I was thinking about. He didn’t want to leave either. He had seen his share of life from Amarillo to San Francisco and back again. He was just happy to be in one place for more than a month in a row.
“I know, boy, how you feel,” I told him, “But, I can’t stay here. She would never understand the truth. I have tried to tell her so many times. It would kill her.”
He neighed and shook his head.
“It would. I know it would. I don’t want to hurt her anymore. We have to go, Scout. There isn’t any way around it. I wish that we didn’t, but we do.”
He let me know that he didn’t agree. He whined and neighed. He shook his head. He even turned to nibble on my toe in disgust.
“I know, boy. I like her, too. I like Silas, but they would never understand about your master not being your master. They aren’t as accepting as you are, boy.”
I pulled up on the reins and decided to head back to the ranch. Scout didn’t have to be told where we were going. He headed straight to the barn and paddock. He knew that I was going back to the ranch house. He didn’t even argue when I urged him into a gallop.
We arrived at the barn in no time. I took him inside and started my dismount. Once down, I took off the saddle and the blankets. I gave him his rub down and combing. I cleaned all the mud out of his hooves. He gave me an appreciative nudge with his muzzle.
“You’re welcome,” I told him.
I grabbed the saddle and was heading to the rack room, when I saw her standing there. She had on an emerald green dress that lit her eyes up. She looked magnificent and I looked like something that rolled in with the tumbleweeds.
“Miss Rayne,” I stated, politely.
“Reece,” she replied.
I walked passed her, but I couldn’t help but smell the scent of the rosewater soap that she had taken to using. It smelt divine, especially over the smell of dust, dirt, muck, leather, and horse that clung to me. I tried not to bump into her. I was beginning not to trust myself alone with her. I wasn’t sure what I would do, if I was given the opportunity. It was so bad that I had even taken to taking Silas with us on our afternoon rides.
I was horrible. I knew it. I couldn’t help it. I wanted the woman that stood before me and I knew that if I gave her the chance she would let me have her. It wasn’t right, but she didn’t care, now. Later, she would, I knew.
“Reece?” she questioned.
“Yes, ma’am, what can I do for you?” I asked her.
“Will you speak with me?” she inquired.
“About?” I asked.
“Silas and the ranch,” she answered.
“Yes, Miss Rayne, we can discuss that. I need to finish taking care of my saddle before I do anything. We could talk here, if you don’t mind,” I suggested.
“That’s fine,” she replied.
“Let me get a blanket for you to sit on. Wait right there, for a second,” I told her, as I got her a blanket, “There you go. Have a seat on that, Miss Rayne.”
“Thank you, Reece,” she told me.
“So, what about Silas?” I asked her.
“You have been doing good with him. He adores you, you know? I was wondering what you wanted to do about him when you left,” she stated.
“I don’t know. I know that he is your ward and all. He is a born horseman. It would be up to you,” I said.
“What if I was to allow him to go with you?” she questioned me, with her eyes in a searing pain.
“If that is what you want, then I will take him with me. I could use him on my land that is true. But, I won’t pretend that I understand why you are asking me to do this, because honestly, I don’t know,” I told her.
“He would follow you. He would leave in the night and follow you. I figure that he would be safer with you if he left with you, than trying to find you on his own,” she said, “I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him.”
“I understand that,” I replied, “But, what about you relationship with him? You are the closet thing that he has to a mother, now. I wouldn’t want to take him from you. I know that you are fond of him,” I stated.
“I am fond of the boy. But, I want him to be happy. I don’t want to keep him here, if he isn’t happy,” she said.
“That is just like a good mother,” I told her.
She smiled at me. It was a sight that I had missed in the past weeks. She seemed to be wrestling with something but I didn’t want to ask what it was, since I was having my own problems. I welcomed the sight of her smile with my own. I think that it made her smile bigger.
“Thank you,” she replied, quietly.
She stood to go and then hesitated in leaving. She started to say something to me, but stopped and said nothing. She turned and walked off, leaving me in the tack room to ponder what she was thinking. I was lost. She was lost. We had to find something together so that we would be okay in the end.
We couldn’t both keep ignoring what was below the surface. She wanted me to stay. I had to go. There had to be something that could be done. I tried to hash everything out in my head, but I still came up with the same thing. I had to go, there was no way around it.
I knew that I had to talk to her again. I had to make her understand that I wasn’t doing this to hurt her. I had to tell her something that she could grasp a hold of and use. I couldn’t tell her the truth, well, not all of it, but I had to tell her something. It was starting to hurt me and I couldn’t help it. I had to do something.
I finished in the tack room with my saddle. I put it back on its stand and replaced al the leather cleaner and saddle soap. I decided that I had to talk to her. I left the tack room and went into the house.
I found her standing in the living room looking out of the window, that over looked the pasture. She was lost in thought when I approached her. I wasn’t sure that I should disturb her. I didn’t think that she heard me come in, so I turned to leave and go upstairs. I would lose myself in my Shakespeare again.
“Don’t go,” she said, quietly.
“I didn’t want to disturb you,” I replied.
“Don’t leave,” she whispered.
“I am not
,” I responded.
“You can’t promise me that, though, can you?” she asked me, turning to look into my eyes.
“No, I can’t. I know it isn’t what you want, Rayne, but I told you when I started I would be leaving. The round up is in a month. I know it is making you upset. I can see if every day and I hate it. But, I am not going to promise you something that I know I don’t intend to keep. I will not do that,” I explained.
“Why? Why can’t you just humor me? Why can’t you stay?” she asked, the tears starting to form in her eyes.
“Rayne, I don’t want to go, but I have to. I can’t stay here past the round up. I am sorry, but I have other things that I need to take care of and the ranch that I own is one of them,” I told her.
“Why don’t you just sell it? What good can it be to you now? Why, Reece, why?” she inquired through her tears.
God, I didn’t want to make her cry and I did. I hated myself at the moment. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I did. I was hurting her every time that I told her I wouldn’t be staying. I wished that I could make her understand, but I knew that it was pointless. She would have thrown me out and not thought twice about it.
“Rayne,” I begged.
“Tell me, why, Reece. Give me that at least. Can you do that for me?” she questioned me.
“I don’t know what to tell you that I haven’t already told you, Rayne. I can’t stay. This isn’t my home, as much as I wish that it was, it isn’t,” I replied.
This isn’t how I wanted the conversation to go. This isn’t what I wanted to happen. I was only hurting her more. This wasn’t helping the situation at all. I couldn’t help her the way that she wanted me to help her.
“Reece,” it was a plea.
“Rayne, what do you want from me? What do you want that I can give you? Can you tell me that?” I asked.
“Stay with me. Stay here on the ranch. Stay with Silas. That is what I want and that is what you can’t give. So, I don’t know what you expect me to tell you,” she said.
“I don’t either. I want to stay, but I can’t. I am sorry for that. If it bothers you this much I’ll go, now, so that I won’t hurt you anymore,” I offered.
