by Jet MacLeod
She looked at me like I had slapped her in the face. I didn’t know that she could look so defeated and wounded as the same time. The hurt that was in her vibrant emerald eyes was replaced with a passionate anger that made my mouth go dry. She was about to explode at me and I couldn’t blame her. I had pushed the wrong buttons and now I was going to pay for it.
“You want to go?” she hissed.
“It isn’t that, Rayne and you know it. But, if me being here until the round up is going to hurt more than it already is, then I should go. It might be easier for you if I do it now, rather than later,” I explained.
“So now you want to do it for me?” she asked.
“I don’t want to hurt you and it seems that is what I am doing. If I can make the pain stop by leaving, then maybe I should,” I answered.
“I doubt that will help it,” she replied, softly.
“Why?” I asked.
“It isn’t important at the moment,” she stated.
“Maybe, I think it is. Maybe you should tell me what is causing you so much pain and I can help you,” I stated, “It might work.”
“You have no idea,” she replied.
“Then why don’t you tell me?” I questioned.
“I can’t,” she said.
“And, I can’t stay,” I replied.
“Damn it, Reece. I won’t make you stay. I wish that you would. I think that you should. But, you were right, it is your life. I can’t stop you. Silas can’t stop you, no matter how much he tries. I can’t tell you what to do. You are a grown man,” she stammered.
“If you only knew,” I said, under my breath.
“What was that?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I answered quickly.
“Reece, will you tell me what is bothering you so bad? Will you actually talk to me? Is that too much to ask?” she questioned me.
“I am trying to talk to you, but there is only so much that I can say. There isn’t some big conspiracy or anything. I am just me, Rayne, that is all I can be,” I said.
“I wouldn’t want you to be anything else, Reece. I just don’t understand why you have the urge to leave and go to some ranch that you don’t even know if it still exists. I need you here. The Double Bar needs you. The horses need you and you are going to leave,” she stated.
“I am sorry,” I replied.
It was all I could say. I didn’t know what else to tell her. It was hard enough for me to talk to her.
“Reece, I am not mad at you. I just wish that you could stay. I know that you have your reasons for leaving, but I can only hope that I am not one of them,” she stated.
“NO,” I replied, quickly and forcefully.
“What?” she stammered.
“You aren’t one of the reasons that I am leaving,” I said, “I am not leaving because of you. You are the reason that I am fighting my own nature. I am trying to be what you want to be, but I can’t.”
“You want to stay?” she asked.
“I don’t want to go, not really, but I have to go see about the ranch. If I don’t, it will trouble me forever. I need to know that there is nothing that I can do. Once I get there and I realize that there is nothing that I can, I would probably sell it and come back here. But, I can’t promise that is what will happen,” I told her.
“I know that. But, a girl can wish can’t she?”
“Yes, she can,” I replied.
She came over closer to me. She smelled wonderful. The rosewater filled my nose and drove me wild. I am sure that I was everything that she wanted, standing there, dirty, reeking, and covered in sweat. It didn’t know what she wanted, but I didn’t want to stop her either.
I let her come to me. I held my arms out. I wanted to hug her. It was the only comfort that I could give us both and mean it. It was the only thing that I could do without taking something that wasn’t mine to have.
She looked up at me with her green eyes blaring with passion. I knew that if she asked me I would not refuse her. I couldn’t. My heart was beating so fast and hard I was sure that she could hear it. She was so close to me. My skin felt on fire and all I could think about was how she would feel in my arms, on her back, naked.
The thought scared me. My own body’s reactions to her frightened me. I should not respond in such ways with her. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. My body had a mind of its own when it came to her.
She ran her hands down my back, kneading my hardened muscles through my shirt and vest. Her head leaned against my chest. She felt so good in my arms that all the warnings that were filling my head went unnoticed. She felt like she belonged in my arms. She fit next to me. She fit into me. She fit me.
I didn’t want to break the embrace, that I knew that if I didn’t that I would do something that we would both regret in the morning. Maybe, I would more than she would, but we both would. I couldn’t let that happen, no matter how much I wanted it. I tried to pull back but she held me there firmly. She wasn’t about to let me go until she was ready.
She dug her fingers into my flesh, pushing me into her, holding me next to her. I couldn’t have moved if I wanted. She wanted to feel me next to her so she wasn’t going to let me go. It was a small comfort for her and a small comfort for me.
I raised my arms and began to rub her back. The only thoughts that were flowing through my mind were how I wanted that lovely green dress off of her and on the floor. It wasn’t natural and I didn’t care. I wanted her so bad I could taste it. I knew that I would have to keep myself in check. I had to think of things that would make me not want her so damn bad.
She wasn’t making it easy for me. I wondered if she knew what she was doing to my body. I could only wonder if she knew that I wanted to touch her in ways that I am sure that she hadn’t been touched before. She stopped her rubbing my muscles, trying to loosen them from the tightness that had built up. Now, she was rubbing my shoulders and arms. She still held me firmly to her. It was like if she let me go that I would leave.
Her fingers dug into my flesh. Her breath was hot on my skin. I didn’t argue or really notice when she pushed my vest off on to the floor. She looked at me for something, guidance maybe, I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t tell if she wanted me to tell her to stop. She was breaking what little control that I had over myself. If she didn’t stop, I wouldn’t be responsible for what I was going to do.
“Reece,” she whispered.
“Rayne,” I replied, equally as quiet.
My hands found hers and I brought them between us. I took a long stealing glance into her eyes. She took a hand and ran it across my face. It was such a small gesture but it was enough to crack me in half. I didn’t think. I didn’t move. I leaned into her. She leaned into me. We were holding each other up.
My breath was coming faster. I could hear hers coming quicker as well. I knew that my heart was racing. I could feel her pulse quicken under my fingers. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just let my mind be ruled by my heart.
I felt her fingers tracing the line of my jaw. She was my undoing. She let her fingers wander across my face and neck. She touched everything that she could. Her eyes burned with passion. Her fingers heated my skin during their exploration. They came to rest at the nape of my neck and played with the short cut hair that laid there. She pulled me to her, closer, so that our faces were only inches apart. I could feel her breath, warm and wet on my lips. She closed her eyes and leaned further in.
She kissed me. It was an understatement. She owned my mouth. She made me hers with her lips. I had no choice but to oblige her every want. I couldn’t help myself. She kissed me like she would never be able to kiss me again.
I deepened the kiss. I couldn’t resist. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to feel her. I let my tongue part her lips as it slowly peaked through into her mouth. She let me take control of the kiss as she moaned. I reveled in the sound. I let my tongue dance with hers.
My hands flew to her face and caressed her skin. She melted into my hands. Her skin
felt so wonderful under my roughened fingers. She felt like silk and cream mixed together. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to touch her. I let my hands dip towards her neck and she leaned into it. It was the only invitation that I needed.
I eased both hands down the slope of her neck. I felt her heartbeat beneath her skin. She warmed underneath my touch. I leaned into her, holding her, and descended upon her neck. I kissed, nipped, and traced the slope with my tongue. She moaned.
“Reece,” she moaned.
It coaxed me further. I had to taste whatever she was willing to give me. I knew that I shouldn’t but at that moment I didn’t care. She let me have what I wanted. I pushed her dress to the side at her at her left shoulder and began to kiss the delicate skin that was there.
“Reece,” she pleaded. She wanted more and she wanted me to know. She didn’t care anymore than I did.
“Rayne,” I replied, burying my head in that soft sensitive area where her neck met her shoulder. I feasted on her flesh. I let my tongue do its worst to her skin.
She pulled me up to look into her eyes. I knew that the subtle height difference wasn’t that great, but I thought I was towering over her. She was only a few inches shorter than me, but then it was like a foot.
She shook, shuttered, and slowly that silky emerald dress fell from its firm foundation on her fair shoulders. She was exposing herself to me. It was everything that I wanted. Her eyes questioned mine with desire, wonder, and lustful wanting. I couldn’t tell what my response was with my eyes. I could tell that my eyes were roving over her body with hunger in them. I wasn’t sure how she took that, but I wanted her. I knew that she could understand that.
“Reece, please,” she begged.
She wanted me just as bad as I wanted her. I couldn’t think about anything but having her. It wasn’t the right thing and at the moment, with her exposed before me like that, it wasn’t the gentlemanly thing to do, either. Something inside me snapped. I couldn’t do this. It was wrong.
My head shot up. I couldn’t take her like this, no matter how hard I wanted to do it. It didn’t matter how bad I wanted her, how bad she wanted me. I was supposed to be a gentleman and I was not supposed to be doing this. I wasn’t supposed to want her the way I did, but I did. I couldn’t fight it. I had to get a grip on myself or I would hurt her more then she thought I was already.
“Rayne,” I whispered, trying to make myself stop.
“Reece,” she begged for more.
“We can’t,” I managed to say.
Her eyes looked into mine. She took a step back and gathered her falling dress. I don’t know what she thought of me at the moment, but I wasn’t going to ruin her. Her eyes betrayed her. She knew what she had been doing was wrong, but the passion still shown as ever bright as is had been before. There was a part of her that didn’t care and there was a part of her that did. They were at war now and I was the prize.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
I kissed her, chastely on the mouth. I fled the scene to my own room to think about what I had just done. I couldn’t understand how I had let myself go from fighting with her about me leaving to wanting to take her there in her own parlor and living room. It wasn’t right. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Something had to be wrong with me and I needed to figure out what it was before it was too late.
Chapter Seventeen
Reece, sometime later
I locked myself in my rooms for hours. I kept thinking about how wonderful she felt in my arms. I couldn’t get the image out of my head. It was possessing me. I couldn’t think of anything else. It was driving me mad. I had to find a way to get over it.
I had taken to avoiding Miss Rayne at all costs. I know that I had hurt her in the way that I left her, but to my amazement she didn’t send Juan or Jed after me. I was thankful for that, but somewhere deep inside, I hope they would say something to me. It was a dark thought, but I figured that a good lecture from one of them would set me right. The only problem was I didn’t get one.
Rayne wasn’t helping either. She had found her ammunition. Herself, she would use it against me any way that she could. In her mind, it was the only way to keep me on that ranch. If I was in love with her, then I couldn’t leave her. She didn’t understand because she didn’t know. It was because I loved her that I had to leave. She was trying to find a way to get me alone at every possible chance that she could. She wasn’t helping the already delicate issue.
What was I going to do? What could I tell her? What was I still doing in Junction City? Why couldn’t I just leave? What was holding me back?
Too many questions plagued me. I couldn’t think straight for thinking of her. I had to do something. I had to, or I would go crazy. The problem was I didn’t know what to do.
I decided to go for a ride. I would ride and clear my head. It was the only thing that I could think of that would help me think clearly about the whole situation. I had to come to a resolution and soon.
I saddled up Scout and headed out into the pastures. I didn’t rein him in any direction. I let him steer. I was going to let him dictate our course today. I would let him do the thinking for me. It was the only thing I could do. I tied the reins around the saddle horn and let go.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to rant. I wanted Rayne. I shook my head. I knew it was going to be a long day. I wished somewhere in the back of my head that it was all a dream and I could just wake up and it would be over. I tried, it didn’t work.
“What am I going to do?” I asked out loud.
I don’t know who I expected to answer. I guess I was hoping for divine intervention. Maybe, God could stop this madness. Maybe, I was just crazy. Maybe, I wasn’t.
Scout came to a stop at an overlook. There were no mountains here. There was a small stream running though the prairie grasses into a small pool that the cattle drank from. It looked peaceful and serene. If I could only live like a ranch hand, then I could be happy with her. But, I know that would never happen. My life was tied to the land, but I could never call it home.
I wanted to cry, to sob uncontrollably for hours, to release emotions that I had pent up for months, to be free from everything that was haunting me. The tears welled up in my eyes, but they refused to fall. I sat in my saddle blinking trying to make them fall or go away. I figured that a good cry would make me feel better. I wanted to wash away my problems with tears. I don’t know why, because I knew that it wouldn’t work from past experience.
I heard the horse coming up behind me fast. It wasn’t like the rider was trying to keep quiet. I didn’t want to be found. I didn’t want to be seen. I picked up the reins and urged Scout on with my spurs.
I hated to use them on him, but I wanted to get away and quickly. He easily assumed a gallop and we were off. I wanted to lose myself in the country side. I wanted to lose myself in the land. I just wanted to lose myself.
“Reece, wait,” a voice called to me.
I didn’t stop. I kept going. I urged Scout onward.
“REECE!!! WAIT!!!” the voice yelled.
I rode harder. I matched Scout’s gate as we rounded around the fence line. He ran along the side of it. I pulled him back and made him change right towards it. He only thought about the jump for a second. I could feel it in his haunches. He took it in four strides and he was over it.
I could still hear the rider behind me yelling for me to stop. I didn’t care. The wind was my guide. I rode like there was no tomorrow. I didn’t care where I went or how long it took me to get there. I was happy to be riding. I was one with my horse. I was one with the land. I just let go and rode.
It was hot and I wasn’t really prepared. I began to search for a body of water. I came upon the small river that fed Junction City and dismounted. I let Scout drink his fill. He more than deserved it after his exemplary riding and speed for me.
Once we were done, I found some shade for us to lounge in. I wanted peace and quiet. I wanted to not be bothered by anyone of the ranch. I knew that the rider
wouldn’t try that jump. The barb wire was too much of a danger to their horse. It was enough to let me have my peace. The fence, that was meant to keep the cattle in, had let me escape, how’s that for irony?
We sat under some sparse trees near the small river. Scout ate prairie grass and eyeballed me with wonder. I lay up against a tree. I pulled out a book of poems from my saddle bags. I didn’t want Shakespeare and love. I wanted something to rip my heart out and make me forget it existed. I was dismayed with the first poem I came upon. It was Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” I read out loud to the prairie, Scout and my soul, “Oh, please, I want something dark.”
I flipped through the pages and came upon Shelly. It was his poem “Mutability.” I sat back and enjoyed as Shelly contemplated the mysteries of life. It made me forget my problems for a while. I just sat back and pondered all the problems that Shelly must have been going through when he wrote the poem. Suddenly, life didn’t seem so hard or bad.
I was running and I was tired. I needed to confront her about this. I needed to tell her that I couldn’t fall in love with her. I needed to make her understand that it won’t work. I needed to believe it myself.
I stood up, from under my shade tree by the small river, where I had been laying and decided to take a stand. I had to fight for her the freedom that I had gained by running and now I had to be steadfast to keep it. For some reason, that made sense to me in my jumbled brain. I couldn’t really explain it, but it worked, it had to work.
I whistled for Scout and he came trotting to me. I let him to the river again, for another quick drink. Then I mounted him and turned him towards the ranch. He knew that I was ready and he let himself go. He galloped towards that fence line without a worry and jumped that barbed wire easily. He shifted as he landed and continued on towards the barn. I think he was ready for some oats and hay. I didn’t have to urge him on, he was at full tilt. I don’t think we ever made it home so fast.
