by Jet MacLeod
I felt bad. I ached. I wanted to see Reece desperately but I had seen him to the fields with the horses. I didn’t want to seem devastated but I was. I hated it. There was nothing I could do. I made my problem and didn’t give myself any room to change anything. I was responsible for my own pain and my own problems. I couldn’t expect anyone else to do anything for me in that respect. I had to own up to it. I was and it hurt, tremendously. I couldn’t believe that I had been so stupid.
I sat on the balcony off my room and stared at the pastures. The horses and cattle were free in their little segments of land to do as they pleased until one of my hands said otherwise. I watched the hands push them this way and that trying to move them so they could fill the feed bins. I watched, hoping to catch a glimpse of Reece as he was out there, too. It was a futile effort but I did it anyway.
I could only hope that he found some sort of peace out there in the pastures, because I certainly wasn’t here at the ranch house. It was my fault, I felt guilty, but that didn’t help me at all. I wanted to see him, to eat with him, to just be with him. I loved him, but he didn’t love me.
I sat there looking out into the pastures wishing that I could hold him and make him love me. I knew that it wouldn’t be right but at the moment in time, I didn’t care. I would let him go. I had to, I couldn’t keep him here. I would just have to wait for him to come back in from my angry words and his self-exile.
Chapter Nineteen
Reece, the ranch house, one week later
I had come back to the ranch, tired and sweaty. I was exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. I couldn’t believe that I had let her get to me. I knew that she was beautiful and I knew what I was getting myself into, but I never expected it to go that far. I had done everything that I could to keep it from happening but I hadn’t done that very well.
I am sure that Scout was happy to be in his stall. I knew that he could handle himself in the wilds with me. He was a ranch horse and he knew what to do with the horses in the pasture. I was glad that I had been able to keep him with me through everything that I had been through with everything.
Silas had done well with Honeycomb, too. He was picking up on how to handle the horses in the pasture. He was a bright kid and he had to have gained some of his horse knowledge through heredity from his father. He was a horseman. He was born a horseman. He was becoming a horseman. I had taught him as much as I could, the rest he would have to learn on his own.
I had slept in my own bed last night and it was wonderful. Maybe I was softer than I thought, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t some hard ranch hand to begin with. I was just trying to get home. I couldn’t help what I was but I wasn’t going to apologize for it.
I knew that I would have to talk to Rayne eventually and I didn’t know what I would say. I knew that she was angry when I left and I wasn’t sure exactly how mad she was at me right now. I knew that it didn’t matter anymore. We had to talk about everything. We need to hash things out. I didn’t care what happened but it needed to be done.
I went downstairs to find her sitting on the back porch. I didn’t know if she knew I was back or not. I didn’t know what to say to her, but I knew that I had to say something. I just stared at her for a moment.
“Hi, Rayne,” I said.
She turned around in the chair and looked at me. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. She just stared at me, standing there. I didn’t move.
“Hello,” she finally answered.
I don’t know what it was about her, but she always made me get started. It had to be something in her eyes. It had to be the way that she worked. Her eyes were so beautiful, the way the emerald green burned so clearly for me. I could see into the depths and see how much she cared for me. It was almost too much to bear.
“I see that you are okay,” she stated.
“Yes, ma’am, I am good. I was just going to give you the report about the herds, if you want it. I figured that you would want to know about it as soon as I got back,” I told her, trying not to stare at her eyes and the pain I saw.
“Yes, that would be good. Go ahead and tell me what you need for the horses. Are they ready?” she asked me.
“Yes, Miss Rayne, they are. I was just wondering how many you were planning on taking with you to the round up in Amarillo. You have a good herd and I would hate for you to cut it so thin that you wouldn’t be able to bounce back from it next year. If you clean it out too much this time you won’t have anything to work with next year, which would mean that you would forfeit a year at the round ups and rodeos,” I explained.
“Then I will take whatever you think is necessary for me to get a good outcome and continue to have a good outcome in the future. That is what I will go with, your choice. I trust it,” she told me.
“Then I suggest selling off some of the foals and mares. You have a large herd, but too many women horses could cause a problem with your studs. You also have a good number of foals that are about to come into season. That would cause a problem with the herds in the pastures if they are allowed to stay out there,” I suggested.
“That sounds good,” she replied.
“I will go out in a few days and tag the ones that you should take on the drive to Amarillo, then. It shouldn’t take me that long. I will get Juan up to speed on my tagging process so he’ll be ready for you when that time comes to leave,” I explained.
“I have changed my mind,” she said flatly.
“About?” I questioned.
“I am going to take you with us. I think it would be better for the round up. You know the most about horses and I know that you won’t let me get swindled in the auctions and trades. Plus, you would know what I needed to buy to bring back to the ranch,” she answered.
I know that my mouth must have been hanging open by the way that she was looking at me. I didn’t know what to say to her in response. I didn’t know if I should answer her. I was afraid of what I would say.
“The only thing is that I want you to stay with us until we get back to Junction City. I don’t want you to stay in Amarillo. I’ll let you leave, if you still want to, but I only ask that you come back with us. We will need every hand that we can get to take the livestock that I purchase back with us,” she stated.
“That seems alright. I can do that for you. It would be the completion of my duties for you. I wouldn’t want to leave the job half done,” I replied.
“Good,” she said, “Because I wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer this time. I was going to find a way to make you go with us if you refused. I appreciated this, really, Reece, I do.”
“I understand. I won’t leave you in Amarillo. I will help you get the new herds back to the ranch,” I replied.
“Thank you,” she said simply.
We both stared at each other, very aware of the uneasy silence that had crept up on us. Neither one of us seemed to be ready to say anything, and small talk was out of the question for both of us. There was so much that we needed to say to each other but neither of us knew how to start the conversation.
She motioned for me to sit in the rocker next to her. I took the seat without thought. I really didn’t care what she thought about the gesture. She obviously didn’t want me to leave and to be honest I didn’t want to either. I had spent too long in the pastures and woods watching horses and not in her company. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t want to be without her. She was growing fond of me as I was of her.
My time in the fields had only seemed to make it worse. I left in a hurry because she was angry with me and I wanted time to think. It was only after one night that I realized that I wanted company. She was out of the question, so I had come back for Silas. The boy was more than happy to go with me, but it was just a temporary fix to the problem. He wasn’t her, and I was glad.
I had time to myself, sitting in the saddle watching the herds and barking orders to Silas. It was the place I liked to think the most, but I wish that I
hadn’t been so upset when I got out there. It was difficult to think about her and still bark commands to Silas about how to cut the herd.
“Think the weather will hold?” she asked, breaking the silence.
“Not sure, but I hope so. We could use the rain for the crops, but hopefully it won’t be too bad on the drive to Amarillo. Driving cattle and horses in the rain is not fun,” I stated to her.
“No, I imagine that it isn’t,” she replied.
“We should be good on the way there. Everything looks like we are going to have a great herd. It should be an excellent round up for the Double Bar this year.
“I don’t think that you will need God to bless you this year. He has already done so. You have a beautiful herd and good horses. You are going to do really well. You should push your horses on smaller ranchers, they will pay more for a good horse,” I suggested.
“I’ll keep that in mind when the time comes. I hope that you will be there, though, I am afraid that I will make some huge mistake. Maybe I should let you do the haggling and such over the horses,” she replied.
“I can do that, if you want. I think that Jed usually takes care of the cattle. Silas should go, too, if it isn’t too much trouble for you. He needs the training and it would be good for him to ride with us,” I told her.
“If you think so, then he can go. I know that he wants to go with you to Amarillo. He told Jed that one night in the bunk house. He wants to ask me if I will let him go with you when you leave,” she said.
“I think I asked you the same thing. But, it would be up to you. I would send word to you when I would be ready for him. I would come get him or I would send money for the train ride to Amarillo. I wouldn’t want him to ride that far on his own. He isn’t ready for that,” I replied.
“I think it might be a good experience for him, but you are right about him riding there on his own. He isn’t ready for that. I think that you should come back and get him when the time comes. I knew that he would love to ride back to Amarillo with you. I am not ready to let him go after we get back. Plus, I want you to be ready for him to work for you, before I send him anywhere,” she said.
“I understand that, Rayne. I wouldn’t have said anything otherwise. I care for the boy. I wouldn’t want him to get hurt. I will send for him when I am ready for him. I’ll just have to warn him that it will take a while before I can come and get him,” I explained.
“That is all I ask,” she told me.
“I understand, Miss Rayne,” I stated.
We sat in silence once more. I didn’t know what else to say to her. She started rocking again and was questioning me with her eyes. I wasn’t sure what she wanted to know from me. She was more than a friend to me and I didn’t know what to say to her anymore.
“I think that we should talk about the round up more, later,” she started, “I was wondering if you would go on a ride with me, like we used to do. I just want to hear you read those sonnets to me. You do it so well.”
“We can go if you want. I don’t see why we can’t. We can go eat lunch out there, too, if you want. I’ll go saddle up the horses and you should go see Cookie about some lunch,” I suggested.
“I’ll go see him, then. I should be ready in about thirty minutes or so. Do you think that will enough of time for you to get the horses ready?” she asked me.
“It should be,” I replied.
“I’ll see you in a few minutes,” she said.
I stood up and left the porch for the barn. I went to the barn and saddled both Whiskers and Scout up for our ride. I was happy that things weren’t that uncomfortable. I think that we both decided that we needed to let it go and not fight about it anymore. It seemed to be the only thing that we could do.
It didn’t take me very long to saddle up the horses. They both seemed to be itching for the ride. I had them both outside of the ranch house before she returned from the kitchens with Cookie’s packed lunch for us.
“Ready?” she asked me.
“Yup,” I said, and then I asked, “Want me to give you a boost up?”
“Yes, please,” she responded.
I put my hands together and hoisted her up onto the horse. When she was situated in her saddle, I handed her the reins. She smiled at me as she took them from my hands. She gently brushed her thumbs across the back of my rough hands. I walked away from her to my own horse and mounted. She waited for me to lead the way for once.
I turned Scout towards the gulch. He knew the way and I didn’t really have to steer. He went on his own towards the grouping of trees. He negotiated through the trees to the alcove that we used to go to all the time. Scout stopped near the stream to allow us to dismount.
I dismounted and went to Whiskers to help her down. She reached out to me so that I could help her dismount from the house. I took her full weight against me with no problem and lowered her to the ground. When her feet were safely on the ground, I held her arms with mine a little longer than propriety allowed, but we didn’t care. It was a step in a direction that neither one of us had any control over. I stared into her eyes for some sort of answer but I didn’t know what the question was.
I let her go and got the blanket from Scout’s saddle. I spread it on the ground and she unpacked the lunch that she brought for us. We were working without thinking, not wanting to confront our emotions for each other. I grabbed my copy of the sonnets, so that I could read them to her as we ate our lunch.
“Which one are you going to read today?” she asked me, looking innocent and beautiful.
“I am not sure. What kind would you like to hear?” I questioned her.
“Surprise me,” she told me.
I looked at her and smiled. She dished up lunch and handed me my servings. I thumbed through the volume to the love sonnets, trying to figure out which one I wanted to read to her today. There were so many that were lovely and beautiful, so many that were odd but pleasant, and some that were ugly and satirical.
I decided on Sonnet 145 because Shakespeare wrote it to his wife. It was a beautifully written piece concerning that state that Shakespeare was in before he married his wife. He admits at the end of the poem that Anne saved him, from what we don’t know, but it was a nice poem.
“That was a nice one,” she replied, when I was done reading it to her.
“It was for his wife,” I responded.
“I could tell,” she stated.
“Do you want to hear more?” I asked her.
“No, not really, I would rather just enjoy you company. I am sorry for my behavior. I know that it isn’t proper, but I really don’t care,” she told me.
“I understand partially, but I cannot condone it. One of us has to act properly. I don’t want to hurt you. I know that you think I will stay, but I can’t. I might come back, but I can’t stay. At least, not right now, I have to see about my ranch before I come back for you,” I said.
“So what are you saying?” she inquired.
“I am saying that I care for you, Miss Rayne, probably more than I should. But, I am also saying that I have things that I have to take care of before I could be the person that you want to be with. I can’t rush this, it will take time and you will have to deal with that,” I answered.
“So you are planning to come back?” she asked.
“Right now, I don’t know. It depends on a lot of factors, most of all me, but I don’t know. I don’t want to hurt you by giving you the wrong idea. It might be just as possible that I don’t come back,” I said.
“Don’t say that!” she shouted at me.
“It is the truth and one that we must embrace. I don’t like it any more than you do, but I can’t continue to lie to myself. I tell myself that I will come back but I don’t know if I will or not. I can’t make truth out of a lie. I can’t make myself believe a lie, I refuse to do it. I don’t want to hurt you, but if I lie about this, I am not only hurting you, but myself as well. I hope that you can understand this. I don’t want to hurt you, because the
pain that I would bear because of that would be horrific, but I can’t lie to you. Everything depends on what happens in Amarillo,” I stated.
“Then go and go now,” she suggested.
“I will not leave before the round up. I gave you my word that I would help on the ranch until then and that I would go with you to the round up and help you there. I intend on doing that because I keep my word. I will not back down just because it might hurt me in the end. I have to do this. I am sorry, but I have to do it this way,” I said.
“What about what I want?” she questioned.
“I want to give you what you want, but I have to be happy as well. I won’t unless I do this my way, and I’m sorry for that, but that is all I can do. I can only hope that you understand that. This is how it has to be if you really want me to be with you,” I told her.
“But, what about me? What am I supposed to do while you are gone? What about my happiness?” she inquired, shyly, but forcefully.
“I know that it will be hard, but it has to be done. I can send for you and you can come stay with me, if it is possible when I get to my ranch. I am sure that Jed won’t mind running the ranch while you are gone for a while. But, I need time, Rayne. I know that it will be hard, but have to do this. I have to do this,” I explained.
It hurt. I didn’t want to go, but I knew that I couldn’t come back. I would have to make it so that I died or something. I couldn’t be the man that she wanted to so I had to leave. I just had to make myself fall out of love with her. It was the only thing I can do and I knew that she wasn’t going to make that easy for me. She wanted to go with me. That couldn’t happen. I had to leave on my own. I would finish my work for her and then leave. It had to be a clean break or she would wonder. I wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t come looking for me anyway.
“Then, I guess, I will have to wait. I have done it thus far; I can wait longer if I have to do so. I don’t have to be happy about it, but I will do it,” she replied.
“That is all I can ask of you. You have given me so much and I thank you for it. I will do my best to come back to you. I will think about it every day until I do,” I lied to her. It hurt, but I had to do it to save myself.
