The Wasted Years

by Mary Larkin

  He was in a dilemma. She had made some statements the night before that he would like enlightenment on but obviously she had forgotten them. Should he pursue the matter or let it go?

  A whore! She had called herself a whore. Well, he had met many whores, and having spent the last two weeks constantly in her company, knew she was not one of them. But there was something bothering her … he decided to try and find out what it was.

  ‘Rosaleen, you said some things last night that puzzled me.’

  The fear was back in her eyes. What had she said? She shouldn’t have drunk so much.

  ‘What did I say?’

  ‘You called yourself a whore.’

  Her face blanched and at the stricken look in her eyes, he reached for her. She pushed him roughly away and turned her head from him.

  ‘If you must know … I spoke the truth.’

  Cigarette crushed out, he sank to his knees beside the bed, and endeavoured to pull her round to face him.

  ‘You did not! You’re not even promiscuous!’

  Slowly, she turned her head towards him. ‘How would you know? Eh? We’ve just met.’

  ‘I know women and you are no whore. You said Joe wasn’t here to take the blame … am I to assume one of your children wasn’t fathered by him?’

  ‘Neither of them are Joe’s.’

  She laughed bitterly at the stunned look in his eyes.

  ‘Now do you believe me?’

  Speechless, he gaped at her, his mind in a whirl.

  Tears were swelling in her chest, and determined not to let him see her weep, she once more pushed at him.

  ‘Would you mind leaving me now, please? I want to get dressed.’

  Bewildered, he rose to his feet, trying to sort out his jumbled thoughts. Then he saw the tears spill over and slide silently down her cheeks and he sat down on the bed again. Ignoring her efforts to evade him, he gently gathered her into his arms, cradling her head against his chest.

  ‘Cry it all up … get it out of your system and then tell me about it. Because no matter what you are. I’ve fallen in love with you.’

  The shock of these words stopped the tears falling and in the comfort and warmth of his arms, with the kindness in his voice soothing her, she found herself telling him things she had told no one but the priest in the confessional.

  Everything came tumbling from her lips: her night with Sean; Joe’s impotence; her relief when he accepted Laura as his own. Her anguish when Sean married Annie. How, after Joe’s funeral, she had again conceived Sean’s child.

  He interrupted her one time only.

  ‘Is this Sean fellow stupid? Did he not guess?’

  ‘Annie had him convinced that he was sterile, it was easy deceiving him.’ She wiped her eyes dry on the corner of the sheet and grimaced at him. ‘Now you can see how evil I am.’

  ‘No … no.’ Tenderly, he pushed the damp hair back from her brow. ‘Ah, Rosaleen, no … you are a victim of circumstance. What about other men? Is there anyone you see?’

  ‘Just Pat McDade.’

  ‘Who is he?’

  ‘He lives around the corner in Oakman Street. It’s not serious … well, not on my part. He wants to marry me.’

  ‘But you don’t want to marry him?’

  She shook her head. Handsome though Pat was, he had never inspired any deep emotion in her; they were just friends.

  ‘Is it a relationship?’

  Uncomprehending, she looked blankly at him, then the penny dropped.

  ‘Oh, no … no. I told you it wasn’t serious!’

  His look was full of sadness. So much of her life had been wasted. She was so sensual, so passionate. And she called herself a sinner!

  He glanced at his watch. ‘I’ll have to be going soon. Look, Rosaleen … will you write to me?’

  ‘Of course! If you really want me to.’

  ‘I really want you to. And … I know that Sean is the great love of your life. I don’t begrudge you that. But it’s over! You must look to the future. I’ll take anything you offer … it’s up to me to teach you to love me, because you obviously need someone to take care of you.’

  Wide-eyed, she stared at him and then her jaw slowly dropped when he rose and started to remove his trousers.

  ‘Move over … If you don’t remember last night, then I’ll have to refresh your memory. I want to be sure you think of me often.’

  Smiling at the eager way she made room for him, he slid into bed beside her. And proceeded to love her, teaching her as he went along, opening new avenues of pleasure for her. Stopping only when she was completely sated.

  ‘I wish you had a shower, Rosaleen. That bath is going to be a tight squeeze for us.’

  ‘You mean … us … us … bathe together?’ she squeaked.

  His great throaty laugh filled the room. ‘Yes … us … together!’

  Then he gathered her up in his arms and descended the stairs, satisfied that he was leaving her plenty to remember him by. He was only glad that he had been in time to catch her. She was ripe for the picking and if that fool McDade hadn’t been so slow, she would have been lost to Andrew forever.

  The following weeks were lonely for Rosaleen, but with each letter she received from Andrew a warm glow enveloped her and she walked around in a contented haze. Memories of him were constantly with her. Often she recalled the day she and George had driven them to the airport. When all their goodbyes had apparently been said, Andrew led her away from the rest and kissed her long and ardently.

  Then he had whispered, ‘Remember you’re mine and I’ll be sending for you.’

  And hugging these words close to her heart, she had returned to the company, rosy with happiness; to delighted grins from May and Billy and a pleased smile from George.

  There was only one cloud on the horizon now. Annie! The awful sin she had committed against her sister festered like an open wound.

  If only Annie had not guessed the truth, they could still be friends and Rosaleen would be able to discuss with her the great change Andrew had made in her life. And now Sean was home, would they come visiting? Would he see the resemblance?

  May had! It had been with apprehension that she had watched her friend’s first encounter with Liam. Stunned incredulity had showed on her face, but Rosaleen had been ready for her.

  Smiling and at ease she had said, ‘Isn’t he lovely? I think he’s like me da, but Amy say’s he’s the picture of Joe’s father,’ she lied, and must have sounded convincing because May relaxed, and if she doubted Rosaleen, managed to hold her tongue. But what about Sean? What would happen if he guessed the truth?

  To think that a few short months ago she had been hoping that he would recognise his son and persuade her to run off with him to live in sin. Imagine her contemplating living in sin! As if that was the answer to anything. In time, the shame would have tarnished their great love for each other and they would have been unhappy cut off from family and Church.

  Soon it would be Christmas. The family always gathered together then. What would Annie do?

  For the first time in her life Rosaleen dreaded the festive season, and her gratitude to Andrew increased. His letters kept her from despairing. Though he never mentioned marriage. But then, he was up to his eyes in work. He wrote about his business … about launching books … but she didn’t understand. It only made her aware that he had a hectic social life, and she felt jealous. It was obvious that he was a passionate man. Was he sharing his bed with someone? Oh, she hoped not! What if, in his case, it was out of sight out of mind? He had certainly made sure that she remembered him.

  At night she hugged herself as she relived the feel of his arms around her, the rapture of his touch, and prayed that he would send for her. It would solve all her problems. Meanwhile, there was Christmas to get over, but that was out of her hands. It all depended on what Annie decided to do. She could only hope and pray everything worked out all right. Her sights were set on Canada; it was her only hope of a happy, fulfillin
g life. Please God, don’t let anything spoil my chances, she prayed.

  Chapter 11

  For Sean, the following weeks flew past as, weather permitting, he toiled in the front garden each day building a rockery. He would disappear for a time and then arrive back, weighed down by a huge boulder; laughing at Annie when she chastised him, afraid of him wrecking his back. They were lucky to have Minnie living next door. She had connections, and even though wallpaper was like gold dust, managed to obtain some for them. None of the current paint and stippling for their rooms, and as Sean papered walls and painted woodwork he was contented and happy. He even built shelves in the alcove beside the hearth in the living room, displaying a talent for decorating to equal Annie’s own. She assisted him in every way she could and each evening as they relaxed for an hour or two in the living room, before retiring for the night, there was a closeness and harmony between them such as they had never experienced before. Nevertheless, Sean was aware that Annie was not completely at one with him. There was a shadow in her eyes that all his teasing could not banish, and behind which he was not allowed to see.

  He watched her sitting across the hearth from him, the light from the table lamp turning her hair to burnished copper, her face pale in its shadow; knitting needles clicking away as she knitted a pullover for him. The wool had been salvaged from a pullover of Tommy Magee’s. She had ripped it out and wound it into hanks. These had been washed and dried and then rolled into balls, and now a new pullover was appearing on the needles. Annie was a wonderful homemaker; thrifty and wise, she flourished where others would have foundered, and most pleasing of all … the house was coming alive under her influence. What pleased him most was the fact that she really must love the house, because not once had she suggested that they go out visiting, seeming content to remain at home with him. Knowing how close she was to her mother and Rosaleen, this surprised him. Different from him; a flying visit to his parents was sufficient for him, but then, daughters were closer to their parents than sons. However, was he not being selfish, shouldn’t he offer to go visiting? Didn’t she need to see her family? While he was feeling generous and willing to waste some of his precious leave visiting, he suggested: ‘How’s about you and me going out tomorrow night, Annie?’

  Her head jerked up and she queried, ‘Out? Out where? Where would we go?’

  For a moment, the guard in her eyes slipped and he thought he saw fear there. But what would she be afraid of?

  ‘Well, I thought perhaps we could go up and visit your mother and Rosaleen. Take them out for a quiet drink.’

  Her gaze swerved away from his and he saw her knuckles grow white as her hands tightened on the knitting needles.

  ‘Do you particularly want to go out?’ she asked, the shadow back in her eyes as they gazed at him.

  Bewildered at her attitude, he replied, ‘Well, yes … why not? You know what they say … all work and no play makes … even someone as fascinating as me a dull boy.’ He grinned as he teased her, but her figure remained tense, her face serious. He continued, ‘While we’re up there, we can invite them down for Christmas Day. Let’s invite George as well, shall we? And perhaps he has a girlfriend he could bring. The more the merrier.’

  Fear was welling up inside her. Before it could swamp her and he became aware of it, she agreed with him.

  ‘All right … let’s go visiting,’ she said resignedly, and to turn the knife in the aching wound that was her heart, added, ‘Young Liam will be quite a big boy now, almost ten months. He’s a lovely child.’ Her voice trailed off as she gazed into his eyes and remembered that Liam’s were identical. She bit on her lip before finishing: ‘He’s beautiful, so he is.’ After all, Sean had to see the baby sometime or other and better tomorrow than to have an almighty row when they came on Christmas Day.

  Hearing the misery in her voice, Sean regretted his impulsive suggestion. Obviously, that was why Annie was staying away from the Springfield Road – she could not bear to see Rosaleen’s children. He wished that he had not opened his big mouth, but he had committed himself now. Should he back down? No … she should not retreat from reality! It wasn’t right that she should avoid children.

  It was brought home to him just how wrong he had been to suggest visiting the Springfield Road when, that night, for the first time since he had arrived home, Annie stayed rigidly on her own side of the bed. He had been stupid to think that she was happy here. She was still fretting for a child, and it looked like they were doomed to be childless. What was to become of her? She could not avoid children for the rest of her life. Perhaps he should broach the idea of adoption?

  He had been thinking about adoption for some time now, but was reluctant to take the final step; to admit to himself that they were apparently doomed to be childless. Now he dithered. Not yet… not just yet… he would wait another while.

  There was a sharp frost the next day and this increased as it wore on. The thought of the steep climb up on to the Antrim Road and then the hanging about in the cold waiting for a tram or trolleybus, followed by another wait in town for a tram up the Grosvenor Road to the Springfield Road, sent Sean out to the nearest phone box to order a taxi to take them to Colinward Street.

  Sitting hunched up in a corner of the car, Annie felt physically sick as it drew up to her mother’s front door. Would Rosaleen be there? Would she have Liam with her? To her relief, she was reprieved. Her mother and George were alone in the kitchen.

  ‘Why … come on in, come on. It’s nice to see ye, Sean. I was beginnin’ t’think that I’d done something to annoy you.’

  Sean answered her mother’s greeting by lifting her up in his arms and giving her a bear’s hug.

  ‘We’ve just been awfully busy,’ he informed her. ‘We’re getting the house ready, so that you can come down and spend Christmas Day with us.’

  ‘Oh, but we’re goin’ down to Rosaleen’s house for our Christmas dinner, so we are. Ye know how it is, Sean, we want to see the kids’ faces when they see what Santa Claus has left them.’

  ‘Oh, don’t you worry about that. We’re inviting Rosaleen down too. You can see the kids open their presents at home and then come to us. Santa will have visited our house with toys as well. We want to see the kids’ faces and all.’

  A sudden thought made his eyes seek Annie’s face as he spoke. Had he done the wrong thing again? Did she want the kids down at Christmas? Not once had he asked her opinion. He had just assumed that she would love having them all down, had thought that he was pleasing her. However, Annie had her back towards him, she was busy hanging their coats at the foot of the stairs, and he did not know how she was reacting to his suggestions. He was stupid; he should have talked this over with her, not just rushed in where angels feared to tread. But the damage was done, his invitation received with a smiling nod.

  The moment passed as George welcomed him and soon they were settled close to the fire and were brought up to date on all the news.

  When Thelma rose to make a cup of tea, Sean stopped her.

  ‘How’s about something stronger? Do you fancy going down to the Clock Bar for a drink?’ he asked. ‘I thought we could call into Rosaleen’s on our way down, and if Amy will babysit she can join us.’

  George was on his feet instantly. ‘That’s a smashing idea, Sean. Let’s not waste any more time. Come on, Thelma.’ He lifted her coat, and before she had time to demur, assisted her into it.

  ‘He looks after me well, so he does.’ Thelma smiled fondly at George before adding, ‘Did ye know that George lives here now? He’s being instructed in the faith, so he is.’ At Annie’s start of surprise, she grunted, ‘Huh! Of course ye don’t know! You haven’t been here since ye left Mackie’s. Did we do something to offend you?’

  ‘No, Mam. I’ve just been very busy, so I have.’

  Although she was happy for George, this news dismayed Annie. At the back of her mind was the idea that if Sean recognised young Liam as his son and wanted to leave her, she could return to her mo
ther’s home until such time as she made other arrangements. Now where would she go? There were only two bedrooms in her mother’s house.

  Seeing Annie’s dismay, Sean covered up for her, although he could not fathom why she should be unhappy at the idea. Wasn’t she very fond of George? Glad that he had come into their lives?

  ‘That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time,’ he said. ‘Tommy will be pleased.’

  At once Thelma’s eyes swung to meet his. Was he jesting? ‘You think he’ll know?’

  And when Sean nodded his head vigorously and said, ‘I think he’ll know’, she sighed contentedly and her smile stretched from ear to ear.

  The two men walked ahead as they made their way down the Springfield Road. Annie was left to walk with her mother.

  ‘Our Rosaleen’s not a bit well lately, so she’s not,’ Thelma confided in her. ‘She’s lost an awful lot of weight. Wait ’til ye see her. Her clothes are hangin’ on her. I think she works far too hard at that wee business. It’s not worth it! I keep tellin’ her money’s not everything, but she doesn’t listen to me. Will you have a word with her, Annie? She’ll listen to you, so she will.’

  ‘I don’t think she’ll listen to me, Mam. I’m the stupid one of the family, remember.’ And inwardly she added, Stupid and blind!

  At this Thelma drew back and looked at Annie in surprise. ‘Stupid, my foot … you were the brainier of the two of ye. You took after your da.’ A deep sigh left her lips. ‘Your da was wasted, ye know. With a bit of education, he could have gone places, made something of hisself. It broke his heart that we couldn’t afford to keep you on at school. You were so bright.’

  ‘I didn’t even know I was good enough,’ Annie said, her voice full of disbelief. Had they really thought that much of her? Well then … why hadn’t they told her? Made her feel as beloved as Rosaleen!

  ‘Oh, did ye not?’ When Annie shook her head, Thelma continued, ‘I thought ye knew … we probably made light of it because we couldn’t afford to let you go to St Dominic’s. How your da regretted that he hadn’t a better job! But even with my wee cleanin’job, we just couldn’t manage it.’