The Wasted Years

by Mary Larkin

  This was all news to Annie, but it was too late for regrets. However, her mother sounded so sorrowful, she hastened to reassure her.

  ‘Well, I didn’t do too badly, did I?’

  These words made Thelma laugh. ‘No, ye did not. You’d go far to get better than Sean, so ye would. And now ye have that posh house.’

  They had arrived in Iris Drive, and to Annie’s relief she was reprieved again: Rosaleen was not at home. It was Amy who answered their knock on the door and informed them that Rosaleen had gone out for a few hours. Where she did not know.

  After an exchange of greetings and a bit of a chat, they bid Amy farewell and continued on down the Springfield Road and along the Falls Road to the Clock Bar. Situated at the corner of Lower Clonard Street, this was one of the popular pubs and the lounge was crowded. And who should be sitting in one of the corners but Rosaleen.

  Both Annie and her mother gaped when they saw who Rosaleen was with – tall, handsome Pat McDade, well known for his womanising and gambling. What on earth was she doing with him?

  Rosaleen did not see them, and glad that the lounge was packed Annie made her way to the only empty table, in the opposite corner from Rosaleen and her companion, glad that they did not have to sit beside them.

  Once the women were seated, Sean and George went to the bar for drinks and Annie watched Rosaleen, her eyes taking in the new coat that she wore. It had obviously cost a bob or two, not to mention clothing coupons, but then, Rosaleen’s business was doing well.

  Annie sighed. She had felt quite attractive in her dark brown two-piece wool suit, even though it was pre-war. Now she felt dated, mousy. It was all right for Rosaleen, her house had been furnished before all the rationing started; she didn’t have to use her coupon allowance for curtain material and soft furnishings.

  She found herself envying Rosaleen her new coat. Emerald green in colour, it highlighted her fairness, darkened the green of her eyes. Completely unaware of them, she was deep in conversation with Pat, laughing into his eyes, obviously teasing him. She looked beautiful, her hair a soft, shining, silvery cloud, her eyes glinting like emeralds. Annie agreed with her mother, Rosaleen had lost a lot of weight, but this just emphasised the high cheek bones, the small pointed chin, and when she threw back her head in laughter, her teeth gleamed, even and white. Even as Annie watched, she saw her glance at the bar, and the amazement and joy with which she met Sean’s eyes brought fear rushing to Annie’s heart. Sean was gaping back at her in surprise and a lump gathered in Annie’s throat, threatening to choke her.

  Rising abruptly to her feet, she made her way to the Ladies’ room and was relieved to find it empty.

  In front of the wash-hand basin she gazed mournfully at her reflection. Her eyes, dark and haunted, stared sorrowfully back at her. How was she going to get through the evening? Before she had time to regain control of her emotions, Rosaleen arrived on her heels and their eyes, green on green, met in the mirror.

  ‘This is a surprise,’ Rosaleen greeted her, and Annie’s throat was so tight with unshed tears, she found that she could only nod in reply.

  It was obvious to her that her sister was very much in love with Sean, but how did he feel?

  ‘Were you up at my house?’ Rosaleen asked, and when Annie once again nodded, she sighed. ‘I wish I’d known that you were coming … I’d have stayed at home.’

  Then she would not have been taken unawares and gaped at Sean like that. He would always have the power to lift her on high, but she knew that she would be better off with Andrew. He knew all her secrets and she would not have to watch her words or actions with him. Now she was worried that Annie had seen her greet Sean.

  At last Annie found her voice and her look held disbelief. ‘And missed your date with Pat McDade? Eh? What on earth are you doing with him?’ she asked, and was glad to find that her voice sounded composed.

  ‘What’s wrong with Pat?’ At Annie’s incredulous look, Rosaleen added, ‘He’s good company, so he is, and I’m lonely. What with you sulking down in Greencastle and May in Canada …’

  ‘Sulking?’ Annie interrupted her angrily. ‘Sulking?’

  ‘Well … aren’t you? Why can’t you just let bygones be bygones?’

  Annie was saved from answering her by the door opening to admit their mother. She had to make do with a withering look. Bygones, indeed! And Sean the father of her child?

  ‘Are you all right, Annie?’

  ‘Of course I’m all right, Mam. Why shouldn’t I be?’

  ‘Well, ye rushed away from the table so suddenly, without so much as an “Excuse me”, that I thought ye must feel unwell.’

  Aware that both women were eyeing her, Annie retorted, ‘Sorry … but nature called. It’s this cold weather, I’m always running, so I am.’

  And although Thelma examined her face intently and noted how pale she was, she accepted the excuse, and they all returned to the lounge together; a worried Rosaleen well aware that Annie had not visited the loo.

  Had Annie seen her greet Sean? That was the second time she had been taken unawares. She would have to find some way to warn him. Obviously Annie had not confronted him, but after the way she had gaped at him … who knew what Annie might do! If only Andrew would send for her, before all her guilty secrets were unmasked. That was if he intended to send for her. It was three weeks since he had written, and when questioned, May was noncommittal about him in her letters. She just dismissed him airily, writing that he was very busy and they saw little of him. She was urging Rosaleen to sell up and join her and Billy, and Rosaleen was sorely tempted. What did it matter if Andrew thought that she was chasing him? Even if he had changed his mind about her … well, she needed to get away from Belfast. In Canada she could start afresh. Until then, she would have to be more careful when she met Sean, and to keep her attention away from him, she turned all her charm on Pat.

  The next two hours were the most miserable Annie had ever spent. She tried not to watch Sean, tried to keep her attention general, but it’s hard to smile and chat when your heart is aching, and her nerves were stretched to breaking point, as the time crawled by.

  After her first greeting, Rosaleen ignored them, giving all her attention to Pat. He was obviously lapping it all up, although a trifle perplexed looking.

  Annie was aware that Sean covertly watched Rosaleen, a frown puckering his brow now and again, and when he went over to buy her and her companion a drink, Annie found that she could not bear it and escaped once again to the toilets, unable to watch them together. She returned to the lounge to find that it was her turn to be covertly examined by Sean, and this worried her. Was he comparing her with Rosaleen? Dismay filled her heart. How could she do other than come out second best?

  Relief flooded through her when, near closing time, Sean refused an offer to return to her mother’s house for a bite of supper, saying it was too late and that they would get a taxi straight home from the pub. She had been dreading returning to her mother’s or Rosaleen’s, couldn’t bear to prolong the agony, and for the first time in hours relaxed, glad that her ordeal would soon be over.

  When she saw them preparing to leave, Rosaleen came over to say goodnight, kissing Annie on the cheek, shaking Sean’s hand and accepting his invitation to spend Christmas Day with them.

  The journey home was conducted in silence. Sean reached for Annie’s hand and held it between his own, but it was obvious to her that his thoughts were miles away. Was he thinking of Rosaleen? Wishing that it was she who was returning home with him?

  Sean was indeed thinking of Rosaleen. The small piece of paper that she had pressed into the palm of his hand when saying goodnight was now burning a hole in his pocket. What was Rosaleen writing to him about? Why all the mystery?

  When they arrived at the house, while Sean paid the taxi driver, Annie used her own key and entered the sanctuary of her home. Immediately, she felt calmer and with swift steps hastened to the kitchen and busied herself preparing a pot of tea. Sean alw
ays had a cup of tea before retiring, and while he drank it, she would plead a headache and escape to bed.

  From the doorway of the kitchen, Sean watched her. He noticed the sad droop to her wide, sensuous mouth, the shadows under her eyes, and unable to bear it, he turned abruptly away. If only he could make her happy. But how could you please someone who kept a barrier between you?

  ‘I’ll be down in a minute …just going to the loo.’

  Once in the bathroom he bolted the door and sitting on the edge of the bath, took Rosaleen’s note from his pocket and opened it out. There was no greeting, just four lines squeezed on to a small scrap of paper.

  ‘Sean, Annie knows about us. She guessed … I told her it was just the one time, after Joe died. She must never know that we were friends before you met her. Never!’

  Stunned, Sean read and re-read the small scrap of paper. How, after all this time, had Annie guessed? He sat for some time trying to figure out how she could have learnt about him and Rosaleen. It was Annie’s voice, hailing him from the hall, that brought him back to reality.

  ‘Sean, your tea’ll be cold! Come on down.’

  ‘I’m coming now.’

  He tore the paper into small strips and putting it down the toilet, flushed it away before descending the stairs. It wouldn’t do for to leave that lying about!

  Annie passed him in the hall on her way up to bed.

  ‘Sean, I’ve an awful headache. I think it was all the cigarette smoke in the small lounge tonight. I left your tea in the living room, it’s warmer in there.’

  He gave her a small, tight smile and she blushed, knowing that he was not in the least fooled. He was aware that she was avoiding him, but she could not help herself. Tonight she could not bear for him to touch her. Not after seeing him and Rosaleen side by side. How could he prefer her? Rosaleen was beautiful!

  The cup of tea on the mantelpiece was ignored as Sean stretched out on the armchair, his feet on the hearth, almost touching the grate where the fire was banked down. It would be silly to disturb the coal, start it blazing, when he would be retiring soon. Now, casting his mind back, he reflected on the evening’s happenings.

  First, the surprise of seeing Rosaleen with that big good-looking guy, and not feeling in the least bit jealous. The joy that had radiated from her, when he caught her eye in greeting, had embarrassed him and he had been glad that he was not sitting beside Annie when it occurred.

  Then when she had pushed the note into his hand, he had felt dismay. Had she changed her mind about him? If she had … well, it was too late! He had all he wanted in the house on the Serpentine Road. That was where he belonged, his niche in the world; he was happy with Annie.

  He had been in a dither coming home in the taxi. Clinging to Annie’s hand like a drowning man. Unable to make conversation. Then when he had read the note, he had wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. He remembered reading Tommy Magee’s letter and knew just how he had felt. As if the bottom had fallen out of his world.

  What puzzled him most was Annie’s attitude. Now, he could understand her reluctance to let him make love to her when he first came home. It must have been awful for her, picturing him and Rosaleen together. He could imagine how he would have felt if he had heard that Annie had been with someone else. But… the big but … why had she not challenged him? She was so forthright, he could not imagine why she had not. A fleeting smile touched his lips at the next thought. Why had she not hit him with something? It would not have been the first time. Her temper, once roused, was fierce, but once the air was cleared she never held spite; never referred to past quarrels. He would have expected her to rant and rave, shout and yell, clear the air as it were, but no, without a word, she had suffered him to make love to her. Not that she hadn’t enjoyed it … oh, yes, indeed she had, but against her will. Very much against her will. Was that how it had been between Thelma and Tommy? Now he knew why each time they made love, she was quiet, not her usual joyous self. Was he doomed to be like Tommy Magee? Doomed to live in the shadow of his sin for the rest of his life? If only she would challenge him … then he might be able to convince her that he wanted no other but she.

  Meanwhile, Rosaleen was coming down on Christmas Day, just a week away, and he would have to pretend that he was unaware Annie knew the truth or she would know that Rosaleen had told him, and would torture herself with thoughts of him sloping off to meet her sister. She would be hurt, and he had hurt her enough already, so he would have to make sure that she didn’t realise that he knew.

  Dear God, why had he suggested that they go visiting? Now he was in a quandary. He would have been better living in ignorance.

  He remained downstairs for a long time, wanting Annie to be asleep when he retired. However, she was still awake when at last he crept up the stairs and into the bedroom. He knew by the deep, even breaths that she was faking, that she was awake but wanted him to think her asleep, and as he lay beside her still figure, he agreed with Tommy Magee. Your sins did catch up with you. Aye, and when you least expected it.

  Once she was sure that Sean slept, with a sigh of relief Annie rose from the bed and flexed her limbs, cramped by trying to lie motionless, and feign sleep. Shrugging into the silk kimono Sean had brought her from abroad, she quietly left the bedroom and entered the small room. From the window, she stared out over the frost-covered hedges and fields to the lough, sparkling like a diamond necklace as it reflected the lights on the opposite shore. Each season gave the view a new beauty. She had seen the summer, the autumn and now winter. Each view different, each beautiful in its own way. Now, not a mark sullied the virgin whiteness. Not a cloud marred the moonlit sky. Even the lough was still, like a bright diamond band lying in the frost. She was surprised at how easily she had adapted to life out here, cut off from all the things she had once thought necessary for happiness. Indeed, the two trams to and from work every day had taken up too much of her time. She had given up her job when Sean’s leave drew near, anxious to decorate the sitting room, wanting to spend all her time in the house. She could not picture returning to live on the Springfield Road. This was where she wanted to rear her child. Here in the fresh air of the countryside, far away from the smog of the mills.

  Protectively, her hands cradled her stomach. Was her child to be the one without a father? She was sure that she was pregnant. There had been no morning sickness and, when she missed her second period, she had not dared to hope, having been disappointed so often in the past.

  Now, she was sure; she had missed her third period and her breasts were swollen and tender, her nipples darkened. Funny how once she had stopped striving to conceive, she had been caught right away. Tomorrow she would go to the village on some pretext or other and go on down to Whitehouse, the next village down the Shore Road, where Minnie had told her Doctor Canavan lived. She had recommended him and told her to mention her name, so she must know him personally. Then she would know for definite, one way or the other.

  ‘Oh, Sean. You startled me.’

  Sean’s hands circling her waist, brought her back to reality.

  ‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it, Annie?’ he whispered as he gazed over her shoulder at the lough.

  When she nodded, he continued, ‘It never looks the same twice.’

  His hands slid up and cupped her breasts, as he nuzzled the nape of her neck. Cradling their weight in his palms, he chided her, ‘You’re putting on weight, Mrs Devlin. I’ll have to keep an eye on you, or you’ll become a wee roly poly.’

  Annie’s breath caught in her throat. Would he guess? Before he could ponder, she replied, ‘Ever hear tell of middle-aged spread? Mm?’

  He laughed ‘You’re a bit young yet for that.’ Then, in a more serious voice, he asked, ‘Are you all right, Annie?’

  ‘Yes. Just restless.’

  She relaxed against him, glad that he had not guessed. First she must find out how he felt about Rosaleen. Only if she was sure that he didn’t love her sister would she tell him about the baby
.

  Now his voice was husky, as, haltingly, he whispered, ‘Annie … I’ve never tried to tell you how much you mean to me.’

  Her heart gave a skip and she waited breathlessly. Was she about to hear the words she dreamed he would say to her?

  Sean continued, ‘I love this house. You’ll never know how grateful I am that you consented to live out here. How much I appreciate the work you’ve put into…’

  With a vicious twist and push she was out of his arms and facing him, her eyes flashing green with anger.

  ‘Yes! Oh, yes, but indeed I do realise how much you love this house. You’re making it your god!’ she hissed at him, disappointed that he had not said what she wanted to hear. Building her up like that, for nothing. ‘But never you fear, I’ll continue to slave away making it into a home. Think of the money you’re saving. Why, if divorce had been allowed by the Church you would have got rid of me long ago, wouldn’t you, Sean? Eh? And then you’d be out a fortune in housekeeper’s bills. Or … ‘Dismayed, she bit on the words that hovered on her lips, and turned abruptly away. She had been about to say: ‘Or our Rosaleen would be living here.’

  The words were spat at him in fury and he could only stand and gape at the empty doorway when she had turned on her heel and left him.

  He stood still, dismay seeping through him. Wasn’t it true what she had just said? If divorce had been allowed by the Church, wouldn’t he have asked her for a divorce after Joe died? Annie had every right to be angry at him, to keep him at a distance; he had never been a true husband to her. He had enjoyed her body, whilst longing for Rosaleen. What a fool he had been! Was it too late to win her over?

  Rejected, he went down to the living room, and dawn was breaking when he at last judged it safe to return to bed.

  On Christmas Eve as they returned from Midnight Mass it started to snow. Arm in arm they climbed the Serpentine Road, more at ease that they had been all week. It had been a miserable time, with Annie finding fault at the slightest provocation, and Sean biting on his tongue to keep the peace. Mass in the tiny Star of the Sea church, set on a hill on the outskirts of Greencastle, had been beautiful and peace had settled in Annie’s heart, as she placed her happiness in God’s hands. God’s will be done. Why was she fretting and worrying? Had God ever let her down before? Whatever happened would be for the best. This she must believe.