King Asshole

by Sam Crescent

  They shared the laundry basket, and on Wednesday night she’d taken the entire lot down to the basement and spent the evening washing, drying, and folding. That was another thing he noticed about her. She was rarely in the apartment or if she was, she didn’t come out and hog the television.

  “It’s fine.”

  “Do you share mealtimes? Hang out?” Ryan asked.

  He leaned on the counter, brow raised. “Seriously, how old are we now? Twelve?”

  “Come on, Jax. You’ve got to see the humor in all of this.”

  “Why?”

  “You’ve got a chick living in your apartment. The guy that writes his own rule book on what a chick can and cannot accept.”

  “I still don’t see the problem. You see, Dani is not on the menu of things I want.”

  Ryan folded his arms, the humor clear on his face. “She’s not?”

  “Not even in the slightest.” He glanced over Ryan’s shoulder. “Now that chick behind you. No, no, don’t look. You have to wait. She has been giving me the eye all night. She wants my dick, and tonight, either up against the wall or back home, I’m going to give her the ride of her life, and believe me, that is the woman right up my alley. Dani, she’s completely ‘no’ material.”

  “You can’t deny that she’s cute.”

  “Does Lily hear you talking like that?”

  “Do I hear him talking like what?” Lily asked, appearing as if her very name had conjured her up. She cupped the back of Ryan’s head. He watched his friend tilt back, and they kissed.

  “Gross, guys.”

  “This coming from you, Jax, you do surprise me.” Lily took a seat beside her man. “What were you talking about?”

  “Jax’s cute little roommate. The one I completely told you about.”

  “Dani, the girl that seems completely oblivious to the fact that you exist. I already like this woman.”

  “She’s not oblivious. She’s not my type.”

  “Jax, I hate to break it to you, but a damn beer bottle is your type. If it’s got a hole in it, it’s your type.”

  “You two are supposed to be my friends.”

  “We are your friends, which is why we haven’t left you because you tend to be a big, giant dick,” Ryan said.

  “You’ve proven time and time again that you have no regard for women,” Lily said.

  “I totally do.”

  “I said regard, not respect.” She pointed at him, chewing on some of the salted peanuts out of the jar on the counter.

  “You do know men eat them after they’ve been to the toilet. You’re probably eating another man’s urine right now.”

  Lily wrinkled her nose and stopped eating. “Look, shitty nuts aside, what are you going to do if the right woman ever comes along?”

  “That’s not going to happen. There’s no right woman out there. It’s complete bullshit about the whole soul mate thing.” Lily and Ryan glared at him. “You guys can be an exception to the rule, but that is as far as I’m willing to budge. Dani, my new roommate, is fine. We don’t see each other. We have our own schedules and clocks. Lives to live on our own. I’m not going to stop having fun just because a chick is there living in my place.”

  “Technically, it’s your guys’ place,” Ryan said. “She pays half the rent.”

  “I’ve got to do my job. You think you can let me do that?”

  “We’re not stopping you.” Lily turned to Ryan, pulling him in close and kissing him.

  Leaving the happy couple to do their thing, he served the customers that were waiting in line. Lily and Ryan made their way out onto the dance floor and started moving to the beat of the music.

  Lily and Ryan had known him since they were all kids. They’d been a threesome in town, but as friends. He’d known long before Ryan and Lily even realized it that they had feelings for one another. He cared about both of them and wouldn’t see anyone tear them apart.

  Just because he didn’t believe in love and romance didn’t mean he thought all people should be without it.

  All he had to do was watch the two of them together, and he knew for a fact the rest of the world faded away for them. They were worried about him. He got it. Roommates were not his strong suit as he tended to piss them off or they were doing illegal shit.

  Dani wasn’t either so far.

  They weren’t avoiding each other.

  Their paths hadn’t crossed once.

  “Hey, hot stuff,” the blonde he pointed out earlier said, coming to the bar.

  “How you doing, baby?” He leaned forward, giving her a smile.

  Just the look of her lips had him desperate to be in her mouth, down her throat. He wondered if she swallowed cum or would spit it out.

  This was another reason settling down was not for him. He spent a lot of time thinking about other chicks and how good it would be to play with them.

  Dani was his roommate.

  Nothing more.

  Nothing less.

  “So, I was thinking I could give you my number.”

  “I don’t do numbers. You want me, tell me now, otherwise move on to someone else.”

  Rather than be offended, her eyes seemed to dilate and he saw her tits pressing against her shirt. She was ready for it.

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  His night was now sorted. All he had to do was get rid of Ryan and Lily and he was good to go.

  ****

  Dani flicked through the magazine she was reading and took a sip of her hot chocolate that she’d made herself when she suddenly heard yelling.

  “You’re a piece of shit. An asshole!”

  Cleaning out the chewy candy she’d also been eating, she stared at her door.

  “I cannot believe I even fell for your bullshit. I mean, you wouldn’t even take my number at the bar.”

  “I don’t offer promises. You gave me what you want, and now you’re acting like I took what wasn’t freely offered.”

  She winced at Jax’s comeback.

  This wasn’t the first time she’d heard a fight start out.

  She did, however, storm toward the door when something was thrown and collided with hers. She had on a pair of sneakers.

  “What the hell?” she asked, opening her door.

  She saw a blonde, semi-dressed, her tits still hanging out.

  “Great, is that your girlfriend as well? Your boyfriend is a piece of work.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend.” She stared at the shattered vase. It was one she’d picked up at a market the other day and had liked instantly. Water covered the floor and the roses she’d also paid for were there. “Do you have no respect for other people’s things? That was mine. How dare you!” She felt her temper building.

  “Don’t even think of blaming me. It’s all his fault.”

  “Did he pick up the vase and throw it at my door?”

  The blonde paused. “He’s a piece of work.”

  “Yeah, well, you should have realized that before you picked him up wherever you did. Get out of my apartment, now! Get out.” Dani stormed toward the blonde, pissed off and annoyed that something she’d found had been destroyed. Slamming the door closed behind Jax’s one-night stand, she spun around to find him laughing.

  “That was fucking awesome. If I’d known you’d be like that I’d have found you earlier in my life.”

  “Do I look amused right now?”

  “You look really fucking pissed, to be honest.”

  “That’s because I am.” She went into the kitchen, grabbing a mop and bucket. “Do you make a habit of this?”

  “Are you going all judgey on me?” he asked.

  “I don’t care who you bring back to this apartment, Jax. I have no problem you pissing women off left, right, and center because you screwed their brains out and didn’t want to repeat. I don’t care about any of that. It’s your problem, not mine. What I care about is when my things get destroyed in the process. I liked that vase. I bought it. I paid for it, and instead, it
got destroyed because of you. That’s what I have an issue with.” She cleaned up the mess and threw it in the trash. “Not only was that a waste of money, but I liked it.”

  “It wasn’t brand-new.”

  “No, you’re right. It wasn’t. That belonged to someone else before me so it made it something more to me. Something of value. Do me a favor, keep your women to yourself or at the very least, piss them off once they’re outside that door. How would you like it if I brought a guy here and he threw your precious television across the room, or smashed up your damn stripper pole, huh? How would you like it? You … child!”

  She slammed her bedroom door.

  This was the first time she could ever recall raising her voice. She didn’t even know why she was angry at him.

  Resting her head against the wall, she closed her eyes, locking her fingers together, counting to ten.

  One.

  Two.

  Three.

  It had been the total act of disregard for someone else’s things. She would never behave in such a way, and to have her stuff broken because of him had pissed her off. Rolling her neck from side to side, she lifted up her magazine but was no longer interested in the words on the page. Closing it up, she saw it was a little after two in the morning.

  There was a knock at the door.

  “Dani, you awake?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “I have a peace offering.”

  She should just ignore him.

  Her curiosity, though, was piqued.

  Leaving her bed, she stepped up to the door. Taking a deep breath, she opened it. He stood with two cups of steaming liquid.

  “Hot chocolate. I noticed you had a liking for it.”

  “You noticed?”

  “Kind of hard not to. I didn’t have a single jar of the stuff. You move in and ta-da, we’ve got three.”

  “A peace offering?” she asked. She loved hot chocolate. The drink helped her to relax.

  “Yes. It’s my way of saying sorry about what you heard and about your vase. I have put your flower into a bottle. It should keep it alive for a little while longer.” He turned so she saw the roses in a couple of beer bottles.

  “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

  “My fuck shouldn’t have ruined your vase. It’s as simple as that. So, what do you say, peace offering? Maybe even come into the sitting room. Watch a bit of television with me. Talk to me. We’ve been together for an entire week, and I think this is the first time I’ve seen you.”

  “I’ve been around. I heard your woman on Monday night. I preferred her. Calling you all the names under the sun and leaving. I liked her. She left my stuff alone.”

  “They’re not always like that crazy one.”

  “Do you even know her name?”

  “Nope, not a clue. You coming out of there?”

  She stared at the cups and sighed. “Sure, why not?”

  Following him to the couch, she sat down, tucking her feet up beneath her. Jax handed her the hot chocolate, and she thanked him for it, taking a sip as he sat down. “This tastes really good.”

  “You left a note on the fridge on how best to make it up. Figured it was weird at the time, but now it makes total sense.”

  She smiled, and blew across the surface of the water.

  “You know I expected you to be judgey.”

  “Why?”

  “A brand-new woman in my apartment.”

  “Jax, I rent a room. I’m not your mother, sister, or girlfriend. I have no interest in your love life or how you conduct it. Of course, I will get judgey and call the cops if you turn out to be one of those loser assholes that beats on girls or rapes them. Call me honest.”

  “I don’t take a girl against her will. This has to be the weirdest topic of conversation I’ve ever had.”

  “It’s a Friday night. It’s not too bad.”

  “You’ve had worse?”

  “At Arnold’s bar, I heard a bunch of guys talking about how they were constipated and how a bowel movement was the best thing going at the moment. Clearly, they hadn’t lived. Personally, I’ll take a lasagna any day.”

  He burst out laughing. “You’re really not kidding?”

  “Not kidding at all.”

  “So you work at a bar and a diner?”

  “Yep. Both places pay really good tips as well as good wages. I’ve been doing okay for some time.”

  “What about family?” he asked.

  She wrinkled her nose. “They wanted a life for me that I knew I wasn’t good enough for. I wanted to do stuff that didn’t involve having kids, baking, teaching them how to be better citizens and that kind of thing. I wanted to go out, explore, be my own person. I left home at eighteen, and I’ve not looked back. You?”

  “I’ve not seen my dad in a long time. My mom died when I was a kid, and it didn’t take him that long to move on. Let’s just say that we both have different views on who he decided to move on with.”

  “Okay, I’ve got to ask because you’ve been all mysterious. Who was it?”

  “My mom’s sister.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Yeah. I have a feeling they were screwing long before my mom passed away.”

  “Sorry.”

  “No need to be. It wasn’t you fucking around.”

  “Still, it’s got to hurt.”

  “It did, but I moved on. I’ve not been back since, and I intend to have nothing to do with the cheating asshole. I’m sure my mom knew, which is why she just gave up the fight. She had cancer.”

  “You can’t think like that.”

  “I know my mom. She wouldn’t have left me like that. It’s just one of those things.”

  She nibbled her lip, knowing there was an entire story there that he wasn’t going to share tonight.

  “Is that why you screw everything with a vagina?”

  “I don’t screw everything. I’ve not tried to bed you.”

  “Please, you and me would never happen,” she said.

  “You haven’t even given it a try.”

  “I’ve no intention of doing that either. You’re my roommate, and with what I’ve heard and seen so far, I don’t need to know how you go in bed.”

  “I’m a damn good lay.”

  “You must have something about you to pick up women. It’s just keeping them you have a problem with.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t make excuses. When I pick a woman up, I don’t agree to exchange numbers or even for there to be a second time. I don’t do that thing. I’ve got rules.”

  “You know for a guy you’ve got a lot of rules.”

  “I live my life by them, and I’ve gotten through some pretty awesome times, might I add.”

  “Give me an idea of some of these rules.”

  “You wouldn’t want to know.”

  She rolled her eyes. “My very pretty and personal vase got destroyed. Come on, I’m not going to judge. I just helped you get rid of one of your conquests. The least you can do is tell me your rules so I’m prepared. I was having a nice, relaxing time in my room when the screaming started.”

  “Fine. Fine. Seeing as you helped I will be generous and let you know my tricks.”

  “Ah, you’re so kind.” She turned toward him, giving him her undivided attention.

  “Rule number one, no numbers.”

  “At all?”

  “None. I don’t do numbers.”

  “What if she can’t go out with you then?”

  “Then it wasn’t meant to be. Either she leaves with me or nothing happens.”

  “Seems kind of harsh, but whatevs. Next.”

  “I only fuck each woman once.”

  “Only once? You don’t go for a repeat performance?”

  “I don’t need to go for a repeat. I had my fun, she came, move on. I don’t offer niceties. Once the happy time has come, it’s time for them to go.”

  “And you just push them out of the apartment.”

  “It’s the way I roll, Dani
.”

  She finished off her hot chocolate. “What if you fall for the woman?”

  “Not going to happen.”

  “Do you just cut yourself off from feeling?” she asked.

  “I’m thirty-five years old. I’ve been at this a long time. Believe me, I’m not going to fall for any woman. I’m also not going to pretend to give her a chance she really doesn’t have. People think I’m being an asshole and cruel. I’m cruel to be kind. The last thing I want or need is a woman thinking they’ve got a second or third shot with me.”

  “So you cut them off from thinking about it straight away.”

  “Exactly. It saves a lot of drama.”

  “Have you ever had a girlfriend?”

  “Nope, and I don’t intend to start now.” He put his cup on the coffee table. “What about you? Any guys?”

  “Not right now.”

  “Have you had boyfriends?”

  “Yeah, I’ve dated a couple, but they all fizzled out after a little bit.” She winked at him. “Don’t worry, Jax. You’ve got nothing to worry about. I will never fall in love with you.”

  He gave her a questioning look.

  “I saw your questions for new roommates, and at the bottom it asked that. You’ve got no chance of me falling in love with you.” She leaned forward, pressed a finger to his nose, and giggled. “Goodnight. Thank you for the cocoa.”

  Chapter Four

  One month later

  Jax entered the apartment, and his mouth watered at the scents of beef and garlic. His stomach grumbled. Stepping forward, he came to a stop when he caught sight of Dani in the kitchen. A man stood close to her. They were talking, and he saw how the other man was stroking her arm.

  This was a first for him. To enter his apartment to see another man in his kitchen.

  “What’s going on?” he asked, staring at Dani.

  She’d been with him over a month now, and the truth was, he liked having her around. Of course, it always took a cocoa for her to come into the sitting room. She seemed to be more than happy camped out in her room.

  He happened to like her company. Even his friends had noticed she rarely hung out with him.

  They weren’t friends.

  “Jax, I’d like you to meet Fred. Fred, this is my roommate, Jax. I thought you were working late?”