A Traitorous Heart

by Tammy Jo Burns

  “Then why did you leave me standing in the library after we...we...”

  “Made love? Call me a fool of the worse kind.”

  “Do you love me Derek?” she questioned softly, her heart pounding in her ears.

  “I care deeply for you,” he answered gently.

  “But you said we made love,” she countered.

  “Anything else sounds tawdry and cheap in comparison. Just know that we have something special, a fondness for one another that strengthens every day,” he crooked his finger and lifted her chin. “When I am not acting like an arse, that is,” he teased her.

  He watched as she seemed to pull an invisible mantle around herself. Derek knew that something significant had just happened and began to worry that he might have just done himself more harm than good in her eyes. “Tessa, I...” he started not sure what to say, but somehow knew he needed to attempt to go back and rewrite history.

  “You’re right, you do tend to act like an arse,” she said on a yawn. That’s when he noticed the dark smudges under her eyes.

  “You haven’t had much sleep,” he said, tenderly rubbing a thumb over the bruises under her eyes.

  “Nor have you,” she said, reaching for his hand, eyeing his skinned and bruised knuckles. “I hope the other man looks worse.”

  “Hardly,” he snorted in derision. He bent and lifted her into his arms.

  “What are you doing?”

  “It has come to my attention that we are both greatly in need of sleep.”

  “It is almost noon.”

  “So it is,” he shrugged carrying her across the room, through the connecting door and to their bed. “Pull the covers down.” She followed his instructions and he laid her on the bed. Tessa scooted over to make room for him as he climbed into the bed. He lay back on the pillows and held his arm open to her, beckoning her to come close. When she did he held her close with that arm, and soothingly rubbed her shoulder. One of her arms draped across his stomach and her cheek rested on his chest. He wondered absently if she could hear the pounding of his heart beneath it.

  “I’m still angry with you,” Tessa said on a yawn.

  “I know. But I meant it with every fiber of my being, Tessa. I care not what society does, but we will no longer have separate beds, especially in anger. We may not speak to each other, and we may curse the very day of the other’s birth, but we will share the same bed, every night, for the rest of our lives. Agreed?”

  “Yes,” she acquiesced. He felt rather relieved that she had agreed so easily and quickly fell asleep.

  * * *

  Unfortunately, the same could not be said for Tessa. She lay draped over his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart while hers lay shattered in a million pieces. How could he call what they had done loving in one breath and denied feeling any emotion deeper for her than merely caring for her in the next? How very noncommittal of the man.

  She tried to pull away from him, to lie on her side of the bed, but his grip tightened in his sleep, refusing to release her. Giving up, she relaxed against him once more, and let her mind race as she watched the shadows of the trees and birds play on the wall. In that moment she decided she had more than most women. She found herself surrounded by the warmth and strength of a good man who cared about her. She had a beautiful house to live in, more than her fair share to be truthful, and a wonderful friend in Kala.

  So he didn’t love her. Could she not make do with what she did have? Could she not live with what he could give her? Did she have to be so very greedy? Yes, she thought, sadly, and this time when she pulled away, his arm slackened enough she could slip from his hold. She rolled to her side of the bed, feeling very alone to have someone so near. Finally she fell into a light, uneasy sleep.

  * * *

  She woke to the feel of fingers running through her auburn tresses. The action soothed her from her troubled dreams, and she found herself burrowing her head against his hand.

  “Are you finally awake?”

  “Maybe,” she replied and stretched, feeling worn.

  He pulled her closer to him and nuzzled her hair. He inhaled deeply and detected wild honeysuckle. He cupped her chin and pulled her up for a kiss that set her heart pounding. He pulled away and looked at her with sparkling eyes.

  “Good evening, wife.”

  “Evening? Oh my,” she declared, seeing the streaks of the late afternoon sun as it set in the Western sky. Her stomach rumbled noisily.

  “Food is on its way,” he chuckled at her embarrassment. She excused herself momentarily and returned to the sitting room. The food had been delivered and the smells made her stomach growl once more, announcing her entrance. “Come fix a plate. I hope wine is all right with you.”

  “Fine,” she agreed, made her plate and moved to a cushioned, wingback chair. She tucked her feet beneath her and began to nibble at the finger foods on her plate. “Derek, how different am I now than when we knew each other before?” Tessa asked, finally broaching a topic she had not had the nerve to ask about.

  “You were more reserved, almost shy. You were kind and compassionate, which you still are. You have a lot more fire about you now.” She contemplated what he said for a moment.

  “What were you like?” she queried before taking another bite.

  “A bit more carefree perhaps. I had been working in my capacity for several years and found myself rather good at it. I had always heard to be prepared for things to go wrong in the blink of an eye. They told me never to trust anyone, but I thought they were all just old harpies. I felt so sure of myself and the people I trusted, so certain nothing would go wrong under my watch. Unfortunately, I quickly learned otherwise.”

  “You mean when you thought I had died?”

  “Yes,” he paused to take a deep breath. “You must remember Tessa that we were not a love match, but I did and do care deeply for you. Perhaps I did not realize how deeply until I thought you were gone.” She nodded her head in understanding and encouragement. “Once I made it back here, I still had to recuperate. I thought you dead, so I felt little point in ruining Kala’s entrance into society with the news of the death of a sister-in-law she had never even met. So, I mourned privately for you and what might have been.”

  “You said you trusted those close to you and found that to be a mistake. Did you mean me?”

  “I didn’t really mean it that way.”

  “You must have or you wouldn’t have said it, and I much prefer you be honest with me. Do you think I played a part in what happened? Could I have been the one to give away secret information that resulted in the demise of so many people?”

  “Tessa, I pray to God every night since you came back into my life that that is not the case.” She heard the sincerity in his words and saw the earnest gleam in his eyes.

  They were silent for a moment, each lost in his own thoughts. He had expected her to get angry and hurl accusations at him, but she did not. He did not know whether to feel shock or relief, so he settled on both. Most women would not take kindly to being told that they were married for affection rather than love. Women of the ton would rather you lie to them about your feelings and then cuckold you when you turned your back. Most women also would not take kindly to being told in a roundabout way that her husband might suspect her of being a traitor. But their relationship could be termed anything but normal.

  “Thank you for being honest with me. This may be odd to say, but I am glad you did not love me then. If you had, it might have been harder for you to accept who I am now.”

  “You are a very wise woman, Contessa.”

  “Thank you.” She lifted her head and peered towards the now dark window. How long had they sat there? Even after her long nap, she still felt sleep pulling at her. She stood and set her plate on the cart a servant had brought in and finished the last little bit of wine in her glass. “I believe I will return to bed,” she announced.

  “I will join you,” he said, determined to live by his earlier pro
mise to her. Derek could tell by her behavior that she still tried to process all he had told her, and so it didn’t surprise him when she crawled up on the opposite side of the bed and made no move towards him. Unable to keep himself from touching her, he reached down and linked their fingers together. She turned her troubled eyes to him, and he gave her hand a squeeze, “We will survive this, I promise you.” She nodded her head and closed her eyes. He made sure she drifted into sleep before allowing himself the luxury of doing the same.

  Chapter 21

  The next day a heavy drizzle made its presence known for most of the day. During the latter part of the afternoon, they both found themselves in the study. Derek sat at his desk with his steward discussing crop rotation and livestock, while Tessa visited with Mrs. Jones, the housekeeper, about running an estate of this size. Tessa found herself growing excited about the various aspects of being mistress over such a house.

  “Mrs. Jones, Lord Blackburn said that many of the rooms have not seen use for years.”

  “Aye, my lady. It is just as his lordship said. My mother worked here as a young miss and back then it bustled with activity. Children ran all over and there were house parties. But then Lord Percival inherited. His son stayed away at school and his little girl had already passed on. Everything became quiet. The lord and lady were content enough staying to themselves.”

  “What would it take to get the rooms back to normal?”

  “I would think a good deep cleaning and maybe some paint. New drapes and bedding would help a great deal as well. The furniture is good and sturdy but perhaps could do with being recovered.”

  “And where should we go to get all these things? Do we have enough staff to take on a job this big?”

  “Lady Blackburn, we have some of the finest craftsmen in all of England in our village. They would be happy to help the new master and mistress and would appreciate the business as well. There are many in the area that would also be glad for extra work, so there will be no problem finding people who would set the house to rights.”

  “Oh, Mrs. Jones,” Tessa clasped her hands together in excitement, “you don’t know how happy this makes me. I can almost imagine it already. You and I will need to go room by room and make notes of what needs to be done. Lord Blackburn and I will be returning to London soon for a short time, but I would like the work to go on even with us away.”

  “Of course, my lady,” the older woman nodded her agreement.

  “And tell me Mrs. Jones, is there a way to thank all these people for their help?”

  “Payment is enough,” Mrs. Jones replied.

  “Surely we could do something more. Would a fair be suitable?”

  “Why, my lady, every year the old master would have a fair come and set up. There were all sorts of performers, games for the children and music and dancing. Oh my heavens, and the food,” she pressed a hand to her cheek and shook her head.

  “It sounds absolutely wonderful!”

  “Why, we even had a gypsy fortune teller,” the woman chuckled at her memories.

  “Did her fortune telling ever come true?”

  “More times than naught, I’d say.”

  “Who would come to the fair?”

  “The neighboring manor houses, the tenants of the estate, the local clergy and the villagers. Now that I think on it, it has been a little sad that we have not had such a celebration.”

  “How long has it been?”

  “Oh years and years,” she said. “When the late master’s wife passed on, he seemed to not want anything to do with the world anymore. It’s a sad thing to watch a man die from a broken heart.”

  Tessa felt her heart clench, thinking she might indeed know how it felt. She reached out and put a hand on one of Mrs. Jones’ work-roughened ones. “I hope that Lord Blackburn and I will bring back the joy and happiness that once filled this house.”

  “Oh, my lady, I do hope so, but remember, it should be a home, not a house.”

  “You are very right, Mrs. Jones,” Tessa said looking at her husband with a gleam of determination in her eye over the back of the settee. “Are there any records about the fair?”

  “Oh, yes indeed. Shall I gather them up for you and bring them in here?”

  “That would be wonderful, thank you.”

  “Would you like a light lunch?”

  “Yes, and please bring enough for Lord Blackburn as well.” Mrs. Jones returned quickly loaded down with journals. “What are all these?” Tessa asked laughingly as she helped the woman unload her burden on the low table in front of the settee.

  “Records of the fairs from years past. These will tell you who attended, how they contacted the performers, and anything else you might need to know.”

  “Oh, you’re an angel,” Tessa said, reaching for one.

  “This came for you as well,” Mrs. Jones held out an envelope.

  “Thank you,” Tessa said, puzzled as to who could be writing her. She opened the envelope, pulled out the paper and quickly scanned its contents.

  Derek watched Tessa’s facial expressions change as she read the letter. Concern etched across her face, and she worried her lower lip in that enticing manner she had. Next a little grin kicked up one corner of her mouth as if she were involved in some nefarious plot. Then she folded the envelope back up and tapped it against her chin, deep in contemplation.

  “Lord Blackburn,” he heard his name called and dragged himself back from the depths of his thoughts.

  “I apologize, Harry. You were saying?”

  “I said that I agree with you. I will leave at first light to attend that lecture series in London.”

  “That’s fine,” Derek found himself once again drawn to the lovely woman across the room. Harry grinned, as the smitten man stood and ambled to his wife. Ah, to be young and in love, the older man thought, reminiscing a bit as he gathered his things and left the young couple alone.

  “What has you so deep in contemplation?” Derek asked leaning over the back of the settee and bestowing a kiss on her lips.

  “I’m not sure that I should tell you.” Derek braced his hands on the back of the divan and glared somewhat accusingly at her. Realizing the faux pas she had just committed, she quickly tried to rectify the situation, “No, Derek, it isn’t anything illegal. It is a letter from your sister.”

  “Oh,” he said, feeling the tension evaporate from his body. He moved around to sit opposite her, his arm lying along the back. “How is everyone?”

  “Your sister and niece are doing well. Simon, your sister’s husband,” she paused for confirmation, “is extremely harried.”

  “A girl,” he contemplated. “I hope she turns out to be more like Mikala than her mother. Elizabeth will be beside herself with a daughter that likes the outdoors and tends to be on the rough side. And it might just happen with two older brothers.”

  “I think Kala is very feminine,” Tessa defended.

  “After Dru brought her up to snuff, but before that she could truly be referred to as a hellion. I must admit that Gabe and I did not help matters much.”

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  “You’ll just have to ask Dru when we return to town. Did she have any difficulty traveling to Elizabeth’s?”

  “Not much. One of the outriders saw someone following them, but he vanished when they went searching for him.”

  “Bloody hell,” Derek pounded his fist into his hand.

  “Quite,” Tessa agreed. “She also is no longer at your sister’s house.”

  “What? Where is she? This is just like her to not stay put.”

  “Calm down. She is going to Drucilla’s. She said she would see us when we came back to London. Evidently trying to deal with your mother and sister were just too much for her.”

  “I would imagine so,” he mused. “What else did she say?”

  “Not much,” Tessa replied vaguely as she stuffed the letter back into the envelope.

  “She is scheming to get even with
Gabe, isn’t she?”

  “Actually, no, she isn’t. She has decided to stay as far away from him as possible.”

  “I see.”

  “I don’t think you do.”

  “Let’s not argue about my sister and best friend and the relationship they may or may not have. Surely we can find a much more pleasant way to pass the day.”

  “Yes, I have some exciting news. We are going to host a fair in late spring.”

  “A fair?” He looked at her, dumbfounded.

  “Yes,” she nodded her head enthusiastically. “Mrs. Jones brought me all these old journals so I could figure out exactly how to put it all together. It will be wonderful, Derek, an affair for all to enjoy.”

  “Do you realize the amount of time and planning involved in something like that?”

  “I know it won’t be easy, if that is what you are so eloquently trying to say.”

  “I just want you to know that it will take a lot of time.”

  “I will need something to keep me occupied while you are out being a gentleman farmer.”

  “I don’t know why we are arguing about this. We might not even be here next year.”

  Tessa closed the journal she had been looking at and gently placed it in her lap. She folded her hands and cocked her head to look at him. “What do you mean by that?”

  “Nothing,” he stood and walked towards the window. “The sun has come out. Perhaps it will be dry enough for us to go for a ride tomorrow. I think we both need to get out for a little while.” He did not know she had moved until he felt her hand on his arm. Derek looked down at her face and saw both hurt and confusion.

  “You meant something or you wouldn’t have said it. Now what did you mean?”

  “I have a plan in place.”

  “A plan?”

  “Yes. It is in the event you never fully regain your memory.”

  “And what would that plan be?”