Finding Absolution

by Carol Lynne

  Quade had been right. Guy was in the hotel manager’s face. Chad, for his part, didn’t seem fazed by their size difference or by the booming voice directed his way.

  “Excuse me,” Van said, cutting Guy off.

  Guy stared blankly at Van. It was obvious the athlete didn’t recognise him. Not one to slink away from an awkward situation, Van held out his hand. “I’m Van Duggins, the man who kept you from raping Jon Porter a few nights ago.”

  Chad gasped and moved to put the front counter between them.

  “Excuse me?” Guy sounded affronted at the accusation.

  Van glanced at Chad before taking a step closer to Guy. “If you don’t remember what you did and what you almost did, you need some serious help.”

  Guy stared at Van. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.” He glanced at his hand before holding it up. “Does it have something to do with this?”

  Van looked at the yellow, bruised knuckles of Guy’s right hand. “A friend of mine has similar bruises on his jaw, and I gotta be honest, I tried to get him to file charges. Fortunately for you, he didn’t want to do anything to harm your reputation.”

  Guy shoved his hands in his pockets. “Tell your friend I’m sorry. I’ve been drinking a little too much lately, and sometimes it gets away from me.”

  Van shook his head. Guy’s eyes were bloodshot, indicating yet another hangover. Fury ripped through him. “I don’t think you’re sorry at all.” He stabbed his finger towards the front door. “Let’s take this outside unless you want everyone in this lobby to know exactly how big a piece of shit you really are.”

  Van left the hotel without looking back. He didn’t care that Guy owned the lodge or that he had gold medals hanging in a trophy case somewhere. The fact that Guy couldn’t remember almost raping someone was inexcusable.

  “Look, it sounds like I crossed the line, and I’ve apologised for that, but I don’t even know you,” Guy argued, following behind Van.

  Van waited until they were alone before turning to face Guy. “You’re right, you don’t know me, but pay attention to what I’m about to say.”

  “Fuck you.” Guy turned back towards the lodge.

  Van moved to block Guy’s path. “You spent years training. You gave up parties with your friends, dances and probably graduation in order to excel in a sport that you were damned gifted at, and somewhere along the line, you lost a sense of the human being you once were. You became the superstar that fans and journalists made you out to be, but the problem with that is there’s always someone younger biting at your heels. I don’t know the circumstances surrounding your retirement, but I know in your heart that when you gave up skiing, you gave up who you thought you were. Now you’re floundering, trying to figure out your place in life. Unfortunately, you’ve replaced the discipline you used to live by with alcohol and sex.”

  “You don’t know anything about me.”

  “You’re wrong. I’ve seen men like you all my life—hell, I was one at one time—but never did I allow myself to get so drunk that I couldn’t control myself or remember it the next day.” Van took a deep breath. He placed a hand on Guy’s shoulder. “You need to get your shit together before you end up either dead or in jail. You’re an athlete, for God’s sake.”

  “I’m retired, remember?”

  “Just because you no longer get paid to ski doesn’t mean you have to stop doing it.” Van knew what it felt like to give up a sport you loved for misguided reasons. “Think back to a time when you loved being on top of a mountain and looking down at fresh snow. If you’re like me, you probably lost that feeling once everyone around you started to pressure you about training and being the best. That time’s over. Take back the sport you loved for you and no one else and the need for alcohol will take care of itself.”

  “What about the sex?” Guy asked, no longer arguing with Van.

  “Sex is fantastic. I wouldn’t ask anyone to give it up. Just make sure it’s consensual.” Van squeezed Guy’s shoulder. “And if you ever lay another finger on Jon Porter, I’ll kill you,” he warned in all seriousness.

  * * * *

  “Did you like it?” Jon asked Van on the way to the picnic.

  “Let’s just say I’m pretty damn grateful it was only thirty minutes long,” Van said as he struggled with the stop-and-go traffic.

  “What else did you expect? Cattle Valley’s a small town.” Jon wasn’t sure what was going on with Van. He hadn’t noticed it earlier, but Van had been kind of surly for the last hour or so. “Have you changed your mind about moving here?”

  Van glanced at Jon. “Because of a stupid parade?”

  “Forget the fucking parade. Just tell me what’s going on with you. If I’ve done something to make you mad, tell me what it is.” Jon looked around to make sure no one was listening to their conversation. He wasn’t used to riding in an open Jeep.

  “You haven’t done anything wrong. I guess I don’t understand why we wasted two and a half hours of our time waiting for a thirty-minute parade to start,” Van complained.

  Jon pulled his hat down lower on his forehead. “If spending three hours with me doing nothing has you riled up, maybe you should rethink moving here, because there’s not much excitement around here.”

  Van didn’t say anything, and Jon was beginning to think he really was reconsidering his decision to relocate.

  Van turned into the park and drove to the large parking lot where they were supposed to meet Quade and Kai. He pulled into an open spot and switched off the engine. Unfastening his seatbelt, he turned to face Jon. “I’d be in heaven right now if I’d spent those three hours alone with you, but that wasn’t the case. You’re looking at a guy who loves nothing more than to hide away on his beach and go for days without seeing or talking to other people. All I want right now is to be with you. Although I appreciate the warm welcome I’ve received from half the townspeople, I’m not used to it, and I can’t say that I enjoy it. So again, my mood has nothing to do with being with you, it’s just a result of the situation. Please try to understand that.”

  Jon reached into the back seat and grabbed the large quilt he’d brought from home. “Get the cooler and follow me.” He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Van was coming as he headed in the opposite direction of everyone else. He’d driven through the park on several occasions over the years, but he’d never actually walked it. Still, he was confident he’d find what he was looking for.

  After ten minutes, Jon stopped under a large shade tree and spread out the blanket. He studied the area as Van caught up and could see no other soul in sight. “How’s this?”

  Van grinned and set the cooler down. “Perfect.”

  Jon sat and pulled his boots off before setting his cowboy hat on top of them. He stretched out on his back, using his hands for a pillow. “Can I use your phone?”

  Van kicked out of his sandals and pulled his black muscle shirt over his head. He dug his phone out of his pocket and handed it to Jon, stretching out beside his lover. “Checking on Bill?”

  Jon rolled to the side and rested his cheek on Van’s chest. He scrolled through Van’s list of contacts until he came up with Kai’s number and hit send.

  “Where’re you at?” Kai asked, picking up the phone.

  “It’s Jon. Van’s having a people overload, so I have him relaxing in the park for a while. We’ll be up once he calms down.”

  Kai laughed. “I wondered when his antisocial side would kick in. They won’t actually start serving food for another hour and a half or so. First, they play football. Actually, where are you at and maybe I’ll join you.”

  “My lips are sealed.” Jon chuckled. “But we’ll see you in a bit.”

  “Thanks for taking care of him. I know how he gets. Believe me, I don’t envy you.”

  “You should,” Jon said before hanging up. He tossed the phone onto the blanket and kissed Van’s right nipple. “Taken care of. The only thing we’re missing is football.”


  Van rubbed circles against Jon’s back. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Sorry if I was an ass.”

  Jon swiped Van’s nipple with his tongue. “You don’t have to apologise, but if you’re up front and tell me what’s wrong, I can try to help fix it.”

  Van’s eyes drifted closed. “Could we just lie here and forget about everyone else in the world?”

  “Sure.” Jon gave up on his attempts to make out and settled his cheek against Van’s chest once more.

  “I didn’t mean you had to stop doing that,” Van mumbled sleepily.

  “That’s okay. You’re tired and if I keep going, I’ll probably beg you to fuck me right here. Of course that would probably lead to jail time and possible prison. We’d be surrounded night and day by other inmates, which means you’d be grouchy all the time.” Jon sighed. “It’s easier just to let you take a nap.”

  * * * *

  “I can’t believe you’ll be on a plane in less than ninety minutes.” Jon glanced at Van.

  Van unbuckled his seatbelt and slid over to sit next to Jon. “I’ve always hated flying, but I don’t think I’ve ever dreaded a flight more.” He reached behind the seat and blindly dug around in the side pocket of his suitcase until he came out with a plastic sack. “I bought you something.”

  “You did?” Jon perked up.

  Van pulled a new cellphone out of the bag. “I uploaded some pictures for you.”

  Jon glanced at the phone. “You didn’t have to do that. You could’ve just sent the pictures to my computer.”

  “Yeah, but I noticed when I took a shower the other day that you don’t have a phone upstairs.” Van turned the phone on and scrolled through the raunchy pictures they’d taken over the last few days along with a new batch that he’d added earlier of just him. “I plan to have a lot of phone sex with you over the next few months, and I think it’d be better if you did it in the privacy of your bedroom.” He held one of the new pictures up for Jon to see. “Like it?”

  “Fuck!” Jon swerved, nearly driving the truck out of the lane and onto the shoulder. “When did you take that?”

  “This morning before you picked me up. There’s also a video of me jacking off just in case you needed additional inspiration.” Van had actually enjoyed taking the pictures and video. He’d never before let a lover take an X-rated photo of him because he didn’t trust them to keep it to themselves, but he didn’t have to worry about that with Jon.

  “If you promise to take some of you in your hammock, I’ll take some of me on the bench by the creek,” Jon offered.

  “Deal.” The conversation was easy, but Van knew they were both using it to mask the way they felt about his leaving. “Just promise me that you won’t leave your phone out for Bill to get hold of.”

  “Oh, God. I can’t even imagine what I’d do if Grandpa saw them. Is it the kind of phone that you can put a password on?” Jon asked.

  “Yep.” Van tapped the screen. “What’s a four-digit number that you’ll remember?”

  “Nineteen ninety-two, the year my partner won his first professional competition.” Jon glanced at Van and grinned. “I looked you up on the Internet last night after you dropped me off.”

  Van thought of all the negative stories that had been written about him. “You probably shouldn’t have done that.”

  “If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t know that my man had been one of the top surfers in the world for almost ten straight years. What I can’t figure out is why you retired while you were still winning.”

  “Guess you didn’t read everything.” Van groaned. He knew Jon could easily find the answer if he looked for it, so he had little choice but to be honest. “I retired to coach Blain. I’d fallen in love with him by then, and I didn’t want to compete against him.”

  “You were better than he was, weren’t you?” Jon asked.

  “Yeah, and Blain’s ego was too fragile to handle it, so I retired and made him into a champion.” Van shook his head. “The pathetic part is that despite how it all ended up, I’d do it again.”

  Jon was quiet for several moments. He eventually put his hand on Van’s thigh. “You don’t have to quit your job with Kai for me. You know that, right? We can make it work if we both want it enough.”

  “I started coaching Kai because I was trying to find my way out of a really dark place. It still amazes me how it happened, how knowing Kai led me to Quade and Quade led me to Cattle Valley and Cattle Valley led me to you and you led me out of the darkness and back into the light.” Van rolled his eyes. “That sounded a lot cooler in my head as I was saying it, by the way.”

  “I think it’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” Tears filled Jon’s eyes. “Damn it, I promised myself that I wasn’t going to cry.”

  Van brushed away Jon’s tears as they fell. “It says a lot about you that you still can. I haven’t cried since the day my father died.”

  “Even after Blain?”

  Van shook his head. “After Dad died. I started shutting down and pulling away when something had the potential to hurt me, but I didn’t cry.” He leaned over and kissed Jon’s neck. “That’s how I ended up in that dark place that you drew me out of.”

  Jon followed the signs to the airport terminal parking lot.

  “You don’t have to come in,” Van said.

  “Yes, I do.” Jon pocketed the keys and opened his door. “I’d kiss you, but if we start I’m afraid I won’t let you go.”

  Van climbed out of the pickup and retrieved his suitcase from behind the seat. He walked across the street with Jon to the small airport. Before getting in line to go through security, he moved to stand in front of Jon and pressed the phone into the man’s hand. “You should probably wait until you get home to look at those.”

  Jon stared up at Van. “I love you,” he whispered, tears filling his eyes once more. “Thank you for taking a chance and coming to Wyoming.”

  Despite the conservative population around them, Van pulled Jon into his arms and kissed him. “I love you, too.” He brushed his knuckles across the fading bruise on Jon’s cheek. “Call me.”

  “I’ll probably call you so often you’ll get sick of me.”

  “Not possible.” Van gave Jon another quick kiss before stepping back. “Take care of Bill, and let him know how much you love him.”

  Jon waited until Van went through security. He waved and turned to leave.

  “Jon!” Van shouted.

  Jon stopped and turned around.

  Van moved his hand from his heart to his lips and blew the man he loved a kiss. Jon answered by wiping more tears from his eyes. Much to his surprise, Van felt his eyes sting at the heartfelt response. Jon truly was the man to repair his broken soul.

  Chapter Six

  Jon was up and out of the house before Bill was up. He set out the cereal, a bowl and a spoon along with a short note. Restocking the stand. Back later. Love you, Jon.

  He quickly picked another flat of tomatoes and loaded them into the truck with the other vegetables. The summer had been incredibly dry and the pickings were getting slim, but he felt confident that he had enough to get them through until the fall pumpkins and squash were ready to harvest.

  It still amazed him how different he felt about himself and the farm since meeting and falling in love with Van. He hated to admit it, even to himself, but there had been times when he’d felt trapped by his responsibilities. Never had he thought he could take care of the farm and his grandpa and still have room for love, but somehow his dreams had come true.

  After two hours of sweeping and stocking the shelves, Jon was finally relieved of his duties as Judy arrived to start her shift. “I’ll probably get the last of the green beans in today, so once they’re gone, they’re gone,” he told her.

  With a wave, Jon was back in his truck on his way to the farm. He’d been putting in extra hours in the fields, hoping to get most of the vegetables in before Van came. In less than three weeks, he’d once again be able to lie in V
an’s arms.

  Jon looked down at the gooseflesh that had broken out on his skin at the mere thought. Yep, he was a horny fucker, but he never felt fully satisfied after phone or video sex with Van. He needed the real thing.

  Parking the truck at the barn, Jon decided to go in and have a cup of coffee with his grandpa. He’d followed Van’s advice and had started really talking to his grandpa about his feelings. Never would he have thought it possible, but he felt even closer to his grandpa. Chalk one up for Van.

  “Grandpa,” he called, walking into the house.

  When his gaze landed on the unused bowl and spoon, he called again. “Grandpa?” Jon knocked lightly on Bill’s door and waited for a response. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked as he stepped into the room.

  Bill was lying on his back with his eyes open, but made no move to respond. Jon’s breathing hitched as he moved to stand over his grandpa. He reached a shaking hand out and placed it on Bill’s chest. “Grandpa?”

  * * * *

  Between heats, Van walked away from the gathered crowd and tried again to reach Jon. He’d already left four messages on Jon’s cellphone and three on the house answering machine and he was starting to panic.

  Once again, Jon’s recorded message sounded in his ear. “It’s Van again. I’m worried about you. Please call me as soon as you get this.”

  Van hung up and stared at his phone. The calls were expensive, but he’d continue to try until he finally reached the man he loved. The fact that Bill wasn’t answering the house phone scared Van more than anything.

  “Any luck?” Kai asked, walking towards Van.

  “No.” Van ran a hand through his hair. “Something’s wrong. I feel it.” Bile rose in his throat as he mentally ran through various scenarios. With shaking hands, he gave his phone to Kai. “Would you do me a favour and call a few of the bigger hospitals in Sheridan?”