Finding Absolution

by Carol Lynne

  “I can do better than that,” Quade said, joining them. He pulled up his contact list and pressed a button. “Hey, Ryan, it’s Quade. I need you to do me a favour.”

  Van walked away, unable to stand there and listen. It didn’t take him long to make a decision. “I’ve gotta go,” he told Kai.

  “I know, but let’s wait until Quade finishes with Ryan. Maybe it’s something simple like a storm came through and knocked out the electricity.” Kai rested his head against Van’s shoulder.

  “You should go get ready for your next heat,” Van reminded his student.

  “Not until we find out what’s going on.” Kai kissed Van’s cheek before walking back to Quade.

  Van was far enough away that he couldn’t hear Quade’s side of the conversation, but he knew the moment his friend received bad news. Quade’s eyebrows drew together and he reached for Kai.

  Fuck! Tears stung Van’s eyes as he waited for Quade to get off the damn phone and tell him something.

  “Bill Porter’s in the ICU at Sheridan Memorial Hospital. Ryan said he’ll drive up there to be with Jon until we can get there,” Quade said, ending the call.

  “Me, not we. Kai’s got a tournament to win.” Van took his phone from Kai.

  “No I don’t,” Kai argued. “You’re family and that trumps a fucking tournament any day of the week.”

  Van rarely heard Kai cuss, but the vehemence behind the words surprised Van even more. It felt good to know he was considered part of the family and with that honour came a certain amount of responsibility. “Okay,” he said. “Go withdraw from the competition, and I’ll see if I can get us on the next flight out.”

  Kai wrapped his arms around Van. “Love you.”

  Van returned Kai’s embrace. “Love you, too, brat.”

  * * * *

  After thirty-five straight hours of flying and layovers, Van stepped off the plane in Sheridan, Wyoming. Despite flying first class, he’d barely slept and was certain there was a weird travel odour clinging to him.

  “Rio should be waiting for us at baggage claim,” Quade announced.

  “You guys go ahead. I need to use the restroom.” Without waiting for confirmation, Van ducked into the nearest men’s room. He tore a handful of paper towels out of the dispenser and set to work giving himself a sponge bath. He knew he wouldn’t smell like a rose once he was finished, but at least he wouldn’t draw flies.

  At each stop along the way, Quade had checked in with Ryan. The sheriff had done his best to relay the information provided by the medical staff, but his badge only got him so far. According to Ryan, Bill was still alive, but the prognosis wasn’t favourable. He, Nate and Rio had taken turns sitting at the hospital in case Jon needed them, but thus far Jon had refused to leave his grandpa’s bedside for anything but the occasional bathroom break. When Van had questioned Ryan as to whether or not Jon was eating, Ryan confirmed that Jon had refused all offered food.

  Van tossed the last of the wet towels into the trash before freshening his ponytail. As he stared at himself in the mirror, he realised he was stalling. He’d flown night and day to be by Jon’s side yet there was a part of him that was afraid to make that last leg of the trip. On more than one occasion, he’d asked Ryan to get a message to Jon to please call him, but each time Van had checked his phone it was to find messages from everyone but Jon.

  What if Jon doesn’t want me there? Too bad, he decided as he turned away from the mirror and strode out of the restroom.

  By the time Van reached the baggage area, Rio had already taken charge of Van’s suitcase and was talking quietly to Quade and Kai.

  “Thanks,” Van said, reaching for the handle of his bag. “Any news?”

  When Kai moved towards him, Van took a step back. It was obvious by the expression on Kai’s face that the news wasn’t good. “Is he gone?”

  “No, but Ryan was told Bill has an advanced directive in place, preventing the hospital from hooking him up to a ventilator or administering needed nutrition through a feeding tube.” Kai shook his head. “He’s not going to make it.”

  Van swallowed around the lump in his throat. “And Jon?”

  “He’s still refusing to leave Bill’s bedside,” Kai replied.

  With a sharp nod, Van headed towards the parking lot, hoping the others would catch up. Although he was hurt beyond measure at Jon’s refusal to speak to him, he kept telling himself that Jon needed to feel him, not speak to him. He remembered how he’d reacted to his father’s death. His need to pull away from reality to absorb the pain had been overwhelming. Van also recalled what had finally snapped him out of the dark place. Sometimes, comforting words did more harm than good, but a hug could speak volumes without uttering a sound.

  * * * *

  “Five minutes, please,” Van begged the nurse. It was after ten at night, and the hospital had strict rules against non-immediate family members in a patient’s room after hours. “I just need him to know I’m here for him.”

  Bill had been moved out of the ICU and into a regular room after the advanced directive had come to light. Cathy, the charge nurse, studied Van for several moments. “Five minutes,” she agreed. “Don’t push it.”

  Van threw his arms around the nurse and hugged her. “Thank you.”

  “Do everyone a favour and get Jon to eat something. We’re starting to worry more about him than his grandfather,” Cathy said before leading Van down the hallway.

  Van entered Bill’s room quietly and crept towards the bed. His throat tightened as he drank in the sight of Jon, his head resting on the mattress at Bill’s hip, his hand covering his grandpa’s. It had been almost two months since he’d been close enough to touch the man he loved, but even though he stood only a few feet away, Van hated the thought of waking Jon.

  With the clock ticking, Van was unable to resist. He knelt beside Jon’s chair and brushed the dark hair away from his lover’s forehead. “Jon.”

  Jon jumped and sat upright as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. He blinked several times before focusing on Van. “You’re here?”

  Van nodded and slowly wrapped his arms around Jon. “I’m here,” he whispered, holding tight.

  Jon buried his face against Van’s neck and collapsed, falling out of his chair and into Van’s arms. He shook his head. “He’s not…”

  “I know,” Van soothed when Jon broke down. With only a few moments left, Van didn’t have time to convince Jon to eat, but something told him Jon needed to be held more than he needed a bowl of soup.

  Van continued to rock Jon back and forth until the door opened. He glanced up at Cathy and silently pleaded with her to give him more time.

  Cathy turned her attention to Bill. She checked his vitals and straightened his blankets before leaving the room without a word, shutting the door behind her.

  With Jon in his lap, Van scooted back until he was able to lean against the wall. Slowly, Jon slipped into sleep, still clinging to Van.

  * * * *

  Jon left Van standing by the door as he followed the paramedics into Bill’s bedroom. With no insurance other than Medicare and no reason to keep his grandpa in the hospital, Jon had made the decision to bring Bill home. It had required getting a home DNR cleared by Dr Rouche, but Abe Rouche had been Bill’s physician for years and had readily agreed that Bill would rather pass at the farm.

  “Thank you,” Jon told the men after they had transferred his grandpa to the full-size bed.

  “Take care,” one of the men said before they wheeled the gurney out of the room.

  Jon adjusted his grandpa’s covers before pulling a tube of lip balm out of his pocket, applying a generous amount to Bill’s lips. “You’re home, Grandpa. I’m not sure if you can hear me, but in my heart, I think you can. Van’s here with me along with a few friends, so you and I aren’t alone anymore.”

  Van’s hand landed on Jon’s hip. “Nate has lunch ready,” he told Jon.

  “I’ll be there in a few minutes.” Jon gave Van a qui
ck kiss before turning back to his grandpa. He knew in another day or two, he’d have to ease his grandpa’s passing with words of encouragement, but he wasn’t ready to do that yet. It may have seemed selfish, but he needed a bit more time to say goodbye.

  Before leaving the room, Jon turned on the television and opened the curtains. “A storm’s on its way. I know how much you like the sound of rain and thunder, so I’ll crack the window.” He found a fluffy towel and placed it on the windowsill to catch errant raindrops. “I’m going to eat lunch, but I’ll be back to sit with you later.”

  Jon closed the door behind him as he left the room. He entered the kitchen and took a deep breath. Kai, Quade, George and Ryan sat at the table while Nate made a big pitcher of iced tea. A large platter of sandwiches and pot of hot soup were already on the table but no one had made a move to eat. “Soup’s gonna get cold if you don’t eat.”

  “We were waiting for you,” Van said, pulling out a chair for Jon.

  Jon hated to tell Van that he wasn’t hungry. He’d done his best the previous day to eat something to ease Van’s mind, but food didn’t seem to have any taste. “Thanks.” He sat down and reached for the pot, knowing the soup would go down easier than a sandwich. “Have you heard any updates on the weather report?”

  “Nothing new,” Ryan answered. “Thunderstorm warnings, but the rain isn’t supposed to last more than a few hours. Evidently it’s going to hit hard and fast and move on.”

  Jon glanced at Van after filling his bowl. “Grandma and Grandpa used to sit out on the front porch before a storm. They said they liked the smell of dirt in the air because it reminded them of the country.”

  “It rains nearly every day in Oahu,” Kai said before taking a bite of his sandwich.

  Nate set a glass of tea in front of Jon.

  “Thanks.” Jon took a sip. He usually went against the grain and sweetened his tea, but he drank what Nate had prepared. He knew George had come to support Van, but also because he was trained to handle emergencies. Jon was sure that as the fire captain in Cattle Valley, George had seen his share of similar situations. “How long?” he asked without adding the rest of the obvious question.

  “Another day or two. The human body can’t survive long without fluids,” George explained. He rested his forearms on the table and leaned towards Jon. “For what it’s worth, in this type of situation, I think the quicker someone goes, the more humane.”

  Jon knew George was trying to make him feel better about his decision to bring his grandpa home. Bill had been specific in his advanced directive, so it wasn’t really Jon’s place to have an opinion.

  Thunder sounded in the distance. Jon got to his feet and retrieved a large mug from the cabinet. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll take my soup outside.” He transferred the soup from the bowl to the mug and left the kitchen without another word.

  It didn’t take long for Van to follow. He sat beside Jon on the porch swing and rested his arm across the back.

  Jon had to give Van the credit he deserved. Rarely did Van offer an opinion on Bill’s care unless specifically asked. It seemed all Van was concerned with was making sure he was there for Jon, and Jon couldn’t have appreciated it more.

  George came out of the house. “Just got an update on the storm. They’re experiencing damaging wind and some hail about an hour from here.”

  Jon handed the mug of untouched soup to Van. “I need to get as many vegetables as I can picked.”

  “Let us do it,” Van offered. “You can stay inside with Bill.”

  Jon stood, shaking his head. “I need to do it.”

  Van stared at Jon for several heartbeats before nodding. “Okay, but be careful. Once the lightning gets closer, you need to come inside.”

  Jon bent and gave Van a soft kiss. “I love you.”

  “And I you,” Van whispered against Jon’s lips.

  * * * *

  While George sat with Bill, Van stood on the porch despite the torrent of blowing rain that soaked his face and clothes. He watched as Jon carried crates of cucumbers, eggplants, cabbage and delicate herbs into the barn.

  “This is killing you, isn’t it?” Kai asked from the doorway.

  “It’s what he needs,” Van answered. He glanced over his shoulder at his friend. “But yeah, I’d like nothing more than to help him.”

  “It’s getting really bad out here. Maybe it’s time you convinced him to come inside.”

  Despite Van’s earlier plea, he knew Jon wouldn’t stop until he had everything he could possibly harvest safely in the barn. “No, but I think it’s time I help.”

  “What about us?” Kai asked.

  “It’ll be hard enough on him if I help. I think it’d be best if you stayed inside,” Van said. “Grab me one of his hats from the mudroom.”

  Kai disappeared but was back within seconds. He held out two. “Felt or straw?”

  Van took the black felt Stetson, knowing it would provide more coverage. He figured it would also probably ruin the damn thing, but he’d buy Jon another if he needed to. He headed towards the garden in search of Jon.

  Van rounded the corner of the barn and stopped. Jon was bent over a plastic crate of cantaloupes with his face in his hands. Van could tell by the way Jon’s entire body shook that he was crying.

  Without a word, Van gently settled the cowboy hat on Jon’s head before moving to the next vine.

  Jon grabbed Van’s wrist before he could pick anything. “Finish the cucumbers. Melons are tricky if you don’t know how to tell if they’re ripe.”

  Just like that, Jon had accepted Van’s place beside him in the garden. Van continued picking cucumbers until only the smallest remained. He carried the crate into the barn before returning to the garden. “What’s next?”

  Jon handed Van a small knife before pointing to the broccoli. “Cut the whole plant off at the base if the heads look big enough,” he yelled over the storm’s fury.

  Van did as instructed. Most of the heads looked too small to harvest, so he used his best judgement, recalling the broccoli he’d seen in grocery stores to gauge the right size. When lightning cracked in the near vicinity, Van picked up the crate and moved towards Jon. “It’s getting too dangerous out here.”

  “I’m almost finished,” Jon called back.

  Van knew Jon’s determination was fuelled by grief instead of need, and while he’d stood by and had tried to give Jon what he needed, Van couldn’t let it go on. He waited until Jon cleared the majority of the cantaloupe patch before stepping in again. “Jon! That’s enough.”

  Jon jumped as a loud roll of thunder filled the air. He tipped his head back, stared up into the downpour and grinned. “Grandma must agree with you.”

  It was the first time since Van had arrived that he’d seen an emotion other than pain or sorrow on Jon’s handsome face. Van took the opportunity to pick up the crate of melons. “Let’s get into the barn.”

  Jon nodded and followed.

  Once inside the safety of the old wooden structure, Van found a box of clean rags and used several to dry Jon’s face before taking care of his own. Jon shook off his hat and hung it on a peg while Van positioned two bales of hay far enough away from the open barn door to keep them dry. “It doesn’t look like it’s going to let up any time soon,” he commented, sitting next to Jon.

  “That’s okay. I think it’s Grandma’s gift to Grandpa.” Jon leaned to the side until he rested his head on Van. “I don’t want him to leave me, but I think Grandma’s ready for him.”

  Van remembered what the doctor had told Jon before they’d left the hospital. He wrapped Jon in his arms and kissed the top of his wet head. “Maybe you should tell him that?”

  “Yeah.” Jon pulled out of Van’s arms and stood. “Will you stay with me while I do?”

  “Of course.” Van retrieved Jon’s hat and settled it on his head once again. “I’m not leaving you again, unless you tell me to.”

  * * * *

  Dripping, Jon entered
his grandpa’s room and immediately noticed the closed window. While he appreciated George for thinking of the century-old hardwood floors, it wasn’t what his grandpa would’ve wanted. “How is he?”

  George shook his head. “His pulse has slowed and his breathing is more ragged.”

  Jon tossed his hat on the floor and walked into the adjoining bathroom. With one tug, he ripped the shower curtain from its hooks and carried it into the bedroom. “I appreciate you sitting with him, but I’ll take care of him from here.”

  George reached out and squeezed Bill’s hand before nodding to Jon. “I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  “Thanks.” Jon spread the plastic liner out on the floor and opened the window as wide as it would go. He glanced at Van as he started to undress. “Would you do me a favour and run up to my room and grab me a pair of sweats?”

  “Sure.”

  Jon stripped out of his wet clothes and threw them into the handicapped shower stall along with his boots. When Van arrived, wearing a dry pair of shorts, Jon was standing naked in front of the window. “I don’t think I’ll ever feel rain again without thinking of my grandparents,” he whispered.

  Van pulled Jon away from the window and gently dried him with a towel before helping him into a soft pair of sweats. “Is that a good thing?”

  Jon smiled up at Van. “Kind of bittersweet, but yeah.” He climbed into bed and snuggled up to his grandpa before patting the space behind him.

  Van wasted no time in pressing himself against Jon’s back. Feeling both loved and safe, Jon closed his eyes. He didn’t want Bill’s last hours on Earth to be sad. He was grateful his grandpa didn’t appear to be in any kind of pain despite the fact that his body was beginning to shut down.

  “I remember the first time my grandpa spanked me after I came to live with them.” Jon grinned. “I totally deserved it. Actually, I think I needed to know how far I could push them before they pushed back. Grandma Dorothy told me I couldn’t come out of my room until I cleaned it, but I didn’t want to, so I climbed out my window and up onto the roof.”