by Taylor Dean
When I’m done, there is utter silence in the large room, only interrupted by the sound of our breathing and the hiss of the fireplace. I don’t know how long we sit there in silence, but it feels like an eternity. I know he’s shocked at my behavior.
I am too.
Finally, he says, “Stony doesn’t know this?”
“No, no one knows. And I can’t live with myself until I tell him. I need his forgiveness.”
“Agreed.” He sounds curt and my heart sinks. Minutes tick by while he’s deep in thought. I wonder if he’s formulating a kind way to end things with me.
Then, to my surprise, he gets up and kneels down in front of me, taking my hands in his, yet being careful of my injured hand. “Mia, life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. You’ve done just that and it’s time to forgive yourself. Yes, you made some hefty mistakes in the heat of the moment. Emotions were running high and I don’t think logic entered the equation. In my opinion, you’ve let this fester for long enough. You can’t live your life overcome with guilt for your mistakes. I agree that you need to confess, but your confession is for you and no one else. Not even Stony. He may be shocked at first, but this won’t change how he or anyone else looks upon you. It really was an unfortunate accident.”
He pauses and I swear my breathing stops in my chest.
“Mia, if you think this changes anything between us, then you are one crazy lady. So prepare yourself to be bombarded with love from me, because I am no longer going to hold back. And I mean that exactly how it sounds. So if you don’t want this, say so right now. I’m crazy about you and I have been since the first night I laid eyes on you. I respect your decision to confess what you believe to be the worst thing you’ve ever done, but I promise you, there are worse things in this world. You are sweet and beautiful and kind. The fact that you can’t live with yourself over this misstep in your life speaks to your character. There is nothing evil about you and if I have to, I will spend the rest of my life convincing you just how perfect you are.”
I stare at him openmouthed. I did not expect that reaction. I was so prepared for him to hate me and want nothing to do with me.
“Are you done confessing?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“Does that mean I can kiss you now? Because I can tell you’re speechless.”
“Yes,” is all I can say before he takes me in his arms and kisses me like I’ve never been kissed before.
He’s right. He’s certainly not holding back any longer. And I can’t hold back the tears that drip down my face and leave the taste of salt on our tongues.
I’ve never felt so happy in my entire life. I have forgiveness from the man who means more to me than anyone else.
No matter what happens with Stony, I’ll be okay. As long as Grayson is at my side.
CHAPTER
Sixteen
“ARE YOU READY for this?” Grayson asks.
“I am. I’m crazy nervous, but I know it’s the right thing to do.” I feel fear, anxiety, apprehension, and trepidation. Yet, I have Grayson at my side. He calms and soothes me.
Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve spent every single evening together, whether we stayed at home and watched a movie with Mom or went out to dinner to have some alone time. We’ve been inseparable. It was just what we needed to cement our relationship. I feel as though we are a team, as if I have someone in my corner. I love it.
It’s mid-October and the crisp air of fall feels invigorating. Somehow the feeling motivates me. Fall is a time for new beginnings; new goals, a new school year, new school clothes, new school supplies. I’m thinking like a teacher, but I’m ready for a new beginning for myself and this time of year begs for it.
“It’s time,” Grayson says simply.
“Yes, I’m ready to put this behind me. I know I’ll feel so much relief when it’s over. It’s time for me to move on with my new life.”
“Does that new life include me?”
“Grayson, you are my new life.”
He reaches out and holds my hand as he drives toward Stony and Spencer’s home. “And you are mine.”
“Thank you for going with me to do this. Without you, I think I’d clam up again.”
“I’ll be at your side the entire time. You won’t have to do this alone.”
Grayson has changed my life in so many ways. His support and love has bolstered me and lifted me up. I no longer feel like a dirty ex-con. I feel beautiful and worthy of love. I’m forever grateful to him and his unconditional love.
Stony and Spencer don’t know the real reason behind our visit. I mean, we are visiting to see the baby and to give them a gift. And we are dropping off a homemade dinner from Caroline.
But there is so much more to our visit and I know they’re not expecting it. Ready or not, I’m dropping my bomb today.
Sophie is now two weeks old and Spencer’s health has bounced back quickly. I knew I couldn’t burden Stony and Spencer with my confession right after they’d had their baby. That would’ve been thoughtless. They’re busy adjusting to life with a newborn and I’m sure that’s not an easy adjustment, no matter how happy they feel to have their little one.
Nothing has changed. I’d rather be thrown into the Indiana Jones’ snake pit than face Stony. I want to get this confession over with, but I’m certainly not chomping at the bit to do it. However, the delay in actually facing Stony was absolutely necessary. For once, it wasn’t due to my fears, it was out of respect to Stony and Spencer.
I still worry it’s too soon, but I also know the timing will never be perfect. Grayson feels they can handle it, so I’m taking his word for it. No more delays or postponements. No more chickening out. Today is the day. Although I’m scared, I know that this final act will free me in ways I can’t yet comprehend. Until I confess, it’s literally as if I’m still in jail.
I can only hope the response I receive will be as forgiving as Grayson’s was.
Stony answers the door at the place for happily-ever-aftering. It doesn’t hurt anymore because I know I now have my own happily-ever-after waiting for me. I’m on the brink of happiness and it’s so close I can taste its sweet flavor. Grayson has decided to purchase Amherst. He’s been consulting me on every decision that has to do with the house. I know it’s because he wants me to be happy with the home. It already holds a special place in my heart because of what Grayson and I have shared there thus far.
Stony answers the door, holding a sleeping Sophie in his arms. She’s bundled in a soft pink blanket. I love the contrast between masculine and feminine. Stony looks the happiest I’ve ever seen him. He’s so proud of his baby girl, he reminds me of a peacock showing off his feathers. I swear, his chest just puffs out naturally without him even trying. It really is adorable.
“Come in,” Stony says, adjusting the baby blanket as if the outside air might harm Sophie.
Spencer is at the table, folding tiny baby clothes. She greets Grayson with a hug, then turns to me and to my surprise, hugs me tightly as well. I know the meaning behind the hug and so does she.
There is a bond between Spencer and me now. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw her again, but now I know. There will always be the memory of that scary moment when she collapsed and I helped her through it. Some moments can’t be forgotten and that’s one of them.
“How is your hand?” Spencer cradles my hand in hers as if it’s fragile.
“It’s healing nicely. Nothing to worry about.”
Other than the folded laundry on the table, the house is just as spotless as always. I wonder how they managed that feat with a newborn baby and sleep deprivation. I think they work as a team and I find that heartwarming.
Of course, the kitchen window I broke is boarded up, but all the glass has been swept away. I’m sure Stony already has a new window on order and it’ll be as good as new before we can blink.
Grayson puts the dinner from Caroline in the refrigerator and tells them, “Just heat and serve.”
&nbs
p; We take turns holding the baby and exchanging small talk about life with a newborn.
“I think I’m never going to sleep again in this lifetime,” Spencer says. In spite of her lack of sleep, she looks beautiful, as if she didn’t just have a life-threatening experience two weeks ago.
“This girl has got a good set of lungs, that’s for sure.” Stony takes her back into his arms and kisses her forehead.
“I hardly get to hold her.” Spencer looks at Stony. “Just sayin’.”
“We’re bonding.”
Spencer’s smile says she loves Stony’s new obsession.
They open our gift which includes seven new baby outfits because they were all so adorable and we couldn’t decide on just a few. Girl clothes are stinking cute.
Then Stony invites us to sit. We sit on the couch, and they sit on the loveseat across from us. Spencer wraps her arm through Stony’s and Stony holds their baby securely. They are the portrait of a happy family.
I feel like I’m about to burst their bubble. If Grayson wasn’t beside me, I know I would admit to nothing. There will never be a perfect time though. The news will be upsetting no matter when it is delivered.
It’s time to get it over with.
Spencer smiles at me. “Mia, can I just say thank you from the bottom of my heart one more time for everything that you did. I can’t even think about what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been there.”
“I’ll echo that. Thank you, Mia.” Stony gives me his signature nod.
“I’m just glad I was there at the right moment.” In all honesty, I feel as though I really didn’t do anything amazingly heroic. I was just in the right place at the right time, able and willing to help. But it feels like sweet serendipity. It was my opportunity to help someone in need, as if the universe knew I needed the lovely taste of redemption in my soul. And I did need it, more than anything. I still do.
Of course, I still appreciate their gratitude. I’ll take it. Maybe it will soften the blow I’m about to inflict.
The words, however, stick in my throat. No surprise there. I even start thinking about how I’d rather face a stampede of elephants right about now. I feel as though I’m about to reveal the real me, as if I’ve been wearing a beautiful mask all this time and now I’m going to take it off and reveal my hideously ugly face. Will they turn away from me in horror?
Grayson takes matters into his own hands. “Speaking of Mia, she has something she wanted to talk about with you.” He takes my good hand and holds it tightly within his. I love him with every fiber of my being.
The spotlight is on me and I want it to go away. Fast.
I look down at my lap. Here goes nothing. My silence is about to be broken. “Remember the day I met Grayson for the first time, the night I had dinner with you.”
“Yes, it was the first time I met you as well.” Spencer leans over and looks at Sophie who is sleeping peacefully. She’s distracted and has no idea what I’m about to say.
“There was something very important I needed to talk to Stony about that day. I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. To be honest, I’ve been scared to say it. Petrified, actually.”
That captures both of their attention. I see the slight surprise that flashes across their features. The atmosphere in the room changes from light and friendly to tense and apprehensive in just seconds.
“What is it, Mia?” I hear the trepidation in Stony’s voice.
“I feel like this is something you need to know. But I also know that it probably won’t matter to you or your life right now. It matters to me though. I have the need to confess everything, otherwise I can’t live with myself. I need to know that you can forgive me.”
Stony’s eyebrows furrow even more so than usual. “Okay.”
Spencer cuddles up to Stony just a little closer and the action is not lost on me.
All right, here it is. The moment of truth. I breathe in and out deeply. Grayson says quietly, “Go on, Mia. You can do it.” I’m so grateful for his support. Even though I’m the only one who can admit to my mistakes and no one can do it for me, I don’t feel alone. Not at all.
“It’s about that night, the night of the fire.”
Stony’s response is immediate and hard. “No, Mia. No. Let’s not rehash it all.”
Suddenly, it’s as if it is only me and Stony in the room.
“I have to do this. Please let me,” I tell him with my most determined gaze.
“No sense in it.”
“There is. At least hear me out,” I insist.
“It will change nothing.”
“It will change me. I need to do this for me.”
“Don’t want to talk about this. It’s not a good memory for me.”
I wince. Ouch. I am now relegated to a painful memory in Stony’s mind. I wish I could change that fact, but I’m powerless to do so. What’s done is done. My only option is to confess and apologize. “I know and I’m sorry. For whatever it’s worth, I’m so sorry.”
“Already know that, Mia. We’re talking in circles.”
He’s right. It’s time to end this madness.
Spencer whispers something to Stony and reluctantly, he consents. He lets his breath out harshly. “All right, go ahead.”
“Thank you. Like I said, I need to do this for me. I’m not trying to open old wounds and cause you pain.” Stony looks angry, but then his face is almost always a hard impenetrable mask. Even when he’s happy, he looks the same. No, I take that back. That was true many years ago. It’s obvious that he’s changed drastically. He smiles now and he actually looks happy the majority of the time. I credit Spencer for the miraculous change in him.
Of course, his current expression is telling me he is not a happy camper right now. I guess I didn’t expect him to be. “I was very upset that night and I regret my behavior deeply. I can’t apologize enough. Sometimes it feels like an out of body experience, like I was watching myself, abhorred with my behavior, but it was as if someone else was in charge that night and it wasn’t me. I was just an observer. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case and I have to be responsible for my decisions and choices. What I would like to talk about is what happened after I left you that night, Stony.”
As if reassuring himself that all is well, Stony looks down at his precious baby and kisses her forehead. Then he reaches down and holds Spencer’s hand. I feel like he’s bracing himself for bad news. And he should be.
“I got into my car and began to drive down the road. I was crying and I was very upset. No, upset is putting it mildly. I was crying uncontrollably, filled with a certain kind of despair I’ve never felt before and I hope to never feel again. It was hard to accept that we were actually over.”
I receive no response from Stony.
“I glanced in my rearview mirror for a second and slammed on my brakes. I backed up my car and I turned in my seat. The front window of your mother’s house looked normal. The drapes were closed and I noticed nothing out of the ordinary. It was the side window that had caught my attention. I stared for several moments with disbelief. The drapes were open and it was brighter than usual in the living room, lit up and glowing. I remember staring at the illuminated room, feeling as though I couldn’t possibly be seeing what I thought I was seeing. I knew the candles hadn’t made the room that bright. I remember feeling confused. For a few moments, I couldn’t move or speak or act.
“Looking back, I think I knew right then it was on fire. No, I take that back. I knew it was on fire. I knew it. I just didn’t let it register. I knew it was my fault, that one of the things I had thrown off the table had probably hit one of the many candles you had set up and caught the rug on fire.”
“You knew?” Stony whispers. “You knew?” His shock is obvious, his tone almost scathing and accusatory.
“Yes. To my utter shame, I still chose to drive away and leave you. I left you when you needed me.” The tears begin to pour down my face.
My admission causes tears to trickle down S
pencer’s face as well. I watch as their fingers lace together tightly, as though they are gripping each other’s hands for strength.
Then I utter my ugly truth out loud, the one simple sentence that has been the source of my agony. “I knew the living room was on fire. And I still drove away.” I say it loud and clear, admitting my shame. “There’s no excuse for my actions, but I’ll provide one anyway. At least then you’ll understand where my mind was at. You were always larger than life to me, Stony. It didn’t seem possible that anything could hurt you. After my father left, you were always my rock, the one sure thing in my life. I relied on you to be there for me and you always were. Even after your war injury, you still seemed indestructible to me. You came home missing part of a leg, but you were still strong and resilient, as if you beat the bomb and only let it take a small part of you and then laughed in its face because it couldn’t possibly take all of you. It wouldn’t dare. Even during your darkest hours, you fought back. Your determination and your resolve to walk again were impressive. You have the strongest willpower of anyone I know.”
They remain silent, so I continue.
“I really believed nothing could hurt you. Call it hero worship, or whatever you will, but you were on par with some type of superhero in my eyes. So when I chose to drive away, I thought to myself, Stony will put the fire out. It’s small, practically nothing. It’s no big deal. He can take care of it. He doesn’t need me. I really believed that.”
A sob escapes and I pause to wipe my tears. The room is still and anxious. Grayson pats my hand and I go on.
“I knew it was over between us and I don’t think I’ve ever cried that hard in my life. I couldn’t drive any longer, my tears were blurring my vision, so I parked on a street in our neighborhood until I could pull myself together. I don’t know how long I sat there, it didn’t seem very long. Then I heard the sound of sirens blaring through the air and my thoughts went wild. When the fire truck whizzed past me with their lights blazing—that’s the moment when I panicked. That’s the moment when I wondered if you had been unable to put the fire out.” More than anything, I don’t want to say the next ugly truth. Uttering it out loud makes it real. “That’s the moment when I turned around and went back to your house.”
