Scars and Songs (Mad World)

by Christine Zolendz

  She walked over to me and fixed all the pillows back on the couch. She kept glancing at me as I watched her. She walked to one of the closets where they kept extra pillows and sheets and fixed the couch for me to sleep on. I staggered to my feet and collapsed on the couch as I wrapped my hands around her waist and pulled her down to sit next to me. With one hand, I yanked my tee shirt off and threw it on the coffee table. I leaned back against the pillows of the couch and brushed the back of my hand against her leg, feeling the warmth of her skin.

  I turned my head towards her and leaned in closer, “How was your date?”

  She looked down at her hands, my fingers softly stroking circles along her skin, and then our fingers entwined themselves into each other. “I didn’t go,” she whispered.

  My heart raced. That wasn’t what I had expected to hear. The room spun even faster and I felt light headed. I lay down along the couch and pulled her gently into my arms, laying her against my body. “I know I’m drunk as hell, Grace, but, just stay with me. I need you like I fucking need to breathe.”

  “Shane...” she breathed. Then she nestled into me and I remembered what it felt like in heaven.

  Softly, I placed my lips on the nape of her neck, just below her ear, inhaled deeply, breathing her in, and kissed her. “Shut up and go to sleep, Grace.”

  This is where we belonged.

  Chapter 21

  Why would someone be trying to drill a hole into my skull? Holy crap, someone was trying to give me a lobotomy. I had to peel my eyes open with both my hands to get up. Sitting up, I had no clue where I was or how I had gotten there. The only thing that my eyes could focus on was a wooden baseball bat in the corner of the room and I wondered if I somehow had used it to play baseball without remembering. Do you know what the trouble with real life is? It lacks special effects movie music to clue you in on what the fuck is happening around you. Because at that moment, I would have bet someone should have been playing horror-danger music. I completely thought that this life I was stuck in was quickly becoming a very complicated drinking game. And I was losing horribly. I wondered if my liver jumped ship last night, I would completely understand if it did, I had been totally abusive to it.

  I met up with Conner at the bathroom as he stumbled out holding his head. “Bro, you might want to wait before you go in there,” he warned. The warning was way too late, I gagged in the doorway.

  “Holy sweet mother of bathrooms, what the hell crawled up your ass and died?” I held my nose as I looked through the cabinets for aspirin. “Con, you need to contact the military, because that is a potent freaking chemical weapon, my eyes are tearing!”

  Laughing, we made it to the kitchen where Lea, the most wonderful female friend ever, had coffee waiting for us. Conner and I both slumped down onto the kitchen seats and laid our heads down on the cool table.

  Sweet loving Lea handed both of us coffee. Then she leaned her palms on the table and stood over us. Uh oh. “Whoever it was who got up in the middle of the night and drunk pissed all over my once clean toilet seat better hope they never do that again, but it’s okay, don’t either one of you worry your little hung over heads a bit about it. I cleaned it all up with one of your toothbrushes, thing is, you won’t know whose I used…” I peeked over my arms at her. She grabbed her coffee cup, walked a few steps away and leaned against the counter. “And, why the hell does Shane have a toothbrush here?” She was smiling. I dropped my head back down against the table hard.

  “GOOD MORNING, BOYS!” Grace yelled from the doorway. I cringed and lifted my head, shaking it. “You’re pure evil,” I whispered before my head collapsed back onto my arms.

  “Why the hell are you girls up so early on a Sunday making a racket waking us up?” Conner asked. Yeah, great question. Didn’t Grace have a hot date last night? I hoped that Ryan didn’t walk out of her bedroom right then, because I would kill him. I didn’t remember seeing her home at all last night. Okay, truthfully, I didn’t even remember coming here last night, but still.

  Lea placed her hands on her hips, shaking her head, “Con, I told you. Grace and I are going to my parents. We’ll be back tomorrow. Grace is going to pick up her bike and maybe we’ll go out dancing tonight.” She winked at Grace, “What do you say, Gray? You up for dancing at one of the beach clubs?”

  Oh, hell no.

  “Now that sounds like a good idea. I’m going to need to pack a little skirt and some heels then,” she said as she poured herself a cup of coffee and stirred in some sweetener.

  I leaned back on the kitchen chair to look at her and folded my hands behind my head. I was trying to stay as calm as I possibly could, since I hadn’t seen any sign of Ryan yet. It wasn’t too hard, but I had a sinking feeling that he was just sleeping late from being up all night. “So how was your date with the bartender last night, finally get laid?”

  Grace’s eyes widened and her coffee cup froze midway to her lips. “Are you serious right now?” Lea gave Conner a sideways glance and a shove, which made his coffee slosh all over his hands. Then both of them started to leave.

  Grace jumped up. Yeah, I flinched, so what, and she slammed her cup of coffee down on the table. The dark liquid splashed over the top and spattered all over the table. She stood right in front of me leaning down, leveled her eyes to mine, and I didn’t make a move to lean away. She was so close I could smell her shampoo and soap on her skin. “He damn near wrecked my ass he was so big. Thanks for the condom, one just wasn’t enough though. So, yes, Shane, I am one well-fucked girl right now!” Then she moved even closer, like she was about to kiss me, or I was about to kiss her. Damn, I couldn’t think straight! “I didn’t know how much I needed to be with him. It’s like I needed him like I needed to breathe. Ever felt like that, Shane?”

  I took a long, deep breath, blowing it back out through clenched teeth. Slowly, I pulled myself out of the chair, not breaking eye contact with, she stood up moving her body in tandem with mine. “What did you just say?” She didn’t have to answer me, the memories from last night came flooding back, pouring over my head, pulling me under; drowning me.

  She didn’t go.

  Grace backed away from me and looked over to Lea. “I’m going to pack some more stuff. Let me know when you’re ready to leave.” She walked around me, giving plenty of room so she wouldn’t accidently brush into me.

  My body went rigid, muscles all stiff and tight, and knuckles white. I hated it when I planned out a whole conversation in my head and the other people don’t follow my script! I always ended up looking like the King of All That Is Douchebaggery.

  “My God, Shane, you are the biggest asshat in the whole world!” Lea screamed in my face. “You ran out of the house like a God damn five year old yesterday and she told Ryan she couldn’t go out with him! She stayed here the whole night. Alone!” She stomped into the hallway and continued her tirade at me, “And maybe you were too damn drunk to remember, but when I woke up this morning, she was wrapped in your arms on the couch, Shane. She stayed with you the whole night. She’s right about you. You don’t deserve someone like her.”

  I dropped to my knees hard. Pain shot up through my legs, rocking my bones. Lea was right; I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve someone who stood by the memory of us for thousands of years, who believed in our love for so long, when I couldn’t even get though a conversation without irrationally accusing her of things that only I have done.

  “Do you like, take classes to be that freaking stupid, Shane? If you don’t stop, you are never going to be with her. It can’t actually be this hard for you to like just one girl, can it?” Conner asked.

  “I am worse than Tucker,” I said hanging my head in my hands. Yeah, I cried. Fuck it; I’m a mush when it comes to her. Grace is my everything.

  Lea’s clicking heels walked back into the kitchen. Then they kicked me, hard. “Get up off my damn floor and go in there and spend the rest of your fucking existence making that girl forget you are an asshat and make her love y
ou, asshat!”

  I wiped at my tears before she could see them. It didn’t matter, I knew she could see me wiping the tears away so she knew I was crying, but yeah, whatever.

  “And go put a damn shirt on and cover up your eighteen pack or whatever you got going on under that skin, you are making me drool.”

  “Lea, stop saying crap like that to me and stop the gawking, awkward.”

  Lea smiled down at me, “You, sir, are a bit easy on the eye, so therefore I shall stare at you. If you feel at all uncomfortable, I could always knock you over the head with something until you’re unconscious and take pictures. Now go get Grace!”

  Scrambling off the floor, I ran down the hallway and banged the side of my closed fists against Grace’s bedroom door. Nothing. Well, actually I thought I heard someone whispering; maybe she had a radio on or something. I pounded my fists on the door again. “Grace, please open the door,” I whispered.

  Red-eyed and trembling, she opened her door. My legs almost gave out from beneath me; I was the cause of her sadness. I have been the cause of her sadness and suffering for so long.

  It was time to change that.

  I slowly stepped up to her, brought my hands to her chin and touched each side of her face. I ran my thumbs along the underside of her eyes. My breath came out labored and my voice thickened with sorrow, “I don’t know how to do this, tell me how to fix us.”

  Grace leaned her face into my hands and sighed heavily. “Just be my friend, Shane, start there. Anything else might kill us both.”

  I pulled her into my arms and crushed her against my chest. She melted right into me and put her head against my heart. “Damn, girl. I’m so sorry I’ve been such a Tucker to you.”

  She pulled her head off my chest and laughed, “Yeah, like what are you doing, taking lessons from him or something? I was thinking of kicking your ass out of the band and getting him to come back!”

  Our bodies parted slightly, and I kept my arm around her shoulder and walked her out into the living room with her bag. “Difference is, I’m so much better looking than him that you just accept it from me, right?”

  She laughed and hip checked me, “Lea,” she yelled over my shoulder. “I’m pulling the Jeep around!” Grace walked out the door but I still held onto the bottom of her shirt and kept the soft material clenched in my fingers. Slowly walking backwards, she smiled and the material slipped through my fingertips.

  Lea and Conner walked up behind me and I got elbowed in the gut by one of them, most likely Lea. “So, I don’t see any bruises or cuts on you, so it doesn’t look like she kicked your sorry ass like I would have,” Lea teased. “What happened?”

  Pressing my lips tight to keep from smiling, I couldn’t fight the chuckle from bubbling in my chest. “I’m coming with you to your parents. It’s been a few months since I’ve seen Mr. and Mrs. Rossi.” I gave her a wink.

  Lea bounced on the balls of her feet and she held her hand over her smiling mouth, “Holy Discovery Channel Sex, Conner, we are going to get caught in a porn storm between these two. Conner you better be coming with us too, because if I have to watch them making googley-steamy-nasty-dirty-sex-eyes at each other, there won’t be a vibrator in the world big enough to satisfy me!”

  Conner’s eyebrows shot straight up his forehead, “Where the hell did I find someone like you? That’s so hot, and I would like to see you use this vibrator that you speak of.”

  I wrinkled my nose at the both of them and leaned back, “Ookay. I’m going to get my running bag; I have some clothes in there that I could take.” Then they started sucking on each other’s face as if I were invisible. Yeah. I definitely needed to get the hell out of the hallway.

  Within ten minutes, Grace was in front of the apartment honking her horn and adrenaline was bursting in little pinpricks of heat all over my skin. I hoped Grace wasn’t going to be mad that I was coming, but I decided when I was on the floor in her kitchen, on my knees, I was never letting her go. Never. She deserved a man that would fight for her, a man that would be the best man he could be, and I was taking the job.

  The three of us ran to Grace’s double parked Jeep and Lea opened the passenger side door and yanked the front seat forward. Conner and I climbed into the backseat silently, shoving our bags in the small space behind the seats. Lea pulled the door closed after she climbed in and gave Grace a small sideways smile. “They wouldn’t let us go without them.”

  Through the rearview mirror, I watched as Grace’s lips curled up into a stunning smile and then her eyes met mine. For a small moment, we stared at each other, in the chaos of the city, before she pulled the Jeep into the street and drove, I knew that starting as friends was bullshit, we were way past that. But I’d give it to her anyway, for about a week, then she was mine. And to send that point home, on the Jeep’s audio system played So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold. God, I’d love to do a show with those guys. “Love this band,” I said to Grace in the mirror. She raised the volume, hell yeah.

  Grace drove south down Second Avenue and we sat in traffic, moving only a centimeter at a time across the Queens Midtown Tunnel. Lea moaned and complained about how many people lived in the city, while Conner and I continuously kicked at her seat. After two hours of traffic, Lea had all the windows open and was singing horribly to Limp Bizkit’s rendition of The Who’s Behind Blue Eyes. I pleaded with Conner to get her to shut up, but he just laughed at me.

  I didn’t pay any attention to any other music or anyone singing after that, I just looked forward and focused on Grace’s face in the rearview mirror. Every once in a while, she would glance there to change lanes and I caught her smiling at me watching her. Before I knew it, she was parking the Jeep in front of Lea’s parent’s house in Belle Harbor, the smell of the beach and salty water filling the air.

  The four of us shuffled out of the car stretching, yawning and smacking each other. Caroline Rossi, Lea’s mom, burst through the front door and ran at us screaming, apron flapping in the wind. “Anthony! They’re finally home!” She grabbed Lea and Grace up in her arms and swung them around.

  Caroline let go of Lea, but held Grace by the shoulders and looked her up and down, beaming. “You look healthy enough, but you need to put on more weight. You’re all skin and bones, dear.”

  Lea laughed loudly and slapped Grace on the bottom, “Don’t worry, Ma, at the rate she’s been devouring ice cream and alcohol, she’ll pack on the weight within the next week. Her ass is gonna be so big she’ll have moons orbiting it.” Was it wrong that for some reason that turned me on?

  Rolling her eyes at her daughter, Caroline giggled, “You need help, dear. Let’s go in and say hello to your father.” She then turned to Conner and me, kissing us both on the cheek. “Hello, boys, come on inside. Anthony has a game on and I’ll have lunch ready in a minute. We’ll see if we can fatten Grace up a bit today.” She grabbed Lea and Conner by the shoulders and walked with them into the house.

  Grace stood frozen on the sidewalk, with her mouth hanging open. Me, I was watching her ass. Moons orbiting or it not, it would always be perfect to me. When she stepped forward, I gently grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back. She fell back onto me, laughing, with her back pressed tightly up against the front of me. One of my hands held onto her wrists, and the other was around the front of her waist, restraining her from moving. I skimmed my hand up from her waist, along her sides, until I brushed aside the hair that fell in waves down her neck. Then I brought my mouth to her ear. I breathed in deeply and whispered, “I’m kind of in love with your ass just the way it is.”

  She leaned her head closer to mine and my whispering lips touched her soft cheeks, “Shane, shut up. I really hate you right now.”

  I chuckled, dipping my lips into the crook of her neck and kissed her. Hot spikes of heat shot deeply into my belly and she moaned softly. “No, you don’t, Gray.” And then? Then, I kissed her neck again and ran my tongue along her skin. She. Was. Shaking.

  “Dear God, now I n
eed a change of panties. Mine are soaking wet,” she whispered.

  No thoughts in brain. Me want girl.

  I was seriously having trouble breathing air normally.

  Grace spun around in my arms easily, her whole body still trembling in my arms. “You know, Shane, if you could stop all your insane outbursts against me for five minutes, I would really love to see what that warm tongue of yours could do to the rest of my body.”

  Her eyes locked on mine and I could feel mine widen, as I felt her heart beat drumming against my chest as fast as a hummingbirds. Then the realization of her words slid right over me and I held her closer. I tightened my grip on her wrists, my whole body stiffened and I sucked in a slow deep breath. She looked at my lips and I knew she wanted me to kiss her, so I leaned in slow and laced one of my hands through her hair; pulling her towards me.

  “Are you two coming in? Lunch is almost on the table!” Caroline yelled from the doorway. You have got to be freaking kidding me!

  I let out a low moan, slid my hands back down to her waist and turned her towards the front door. “Ah…yep. We’re um…coming, Mrs. R.,” I said breathlessly. I slid my hand to the small of her back and gently pushed her to walk alongside me into the house. We glanced at each other and I brushed a strand of dark hair that fell across her cheek behind her ear. She bit her lip and I wanted so badly to know what she was thinking.

  Please do not let anyone notice me walking strange. I felt like I have a third leg, and that wasn’t my ego talking either, that’s just how damn hard I was.

  We walked in (okay, I was limping) to Lea’s father, Anthony, yelling, “There’s the comatose kid! How are you feeling, Gracie?” His arms opened wide and he grabbed Grace in a giant hug. “Ah, Jesus, Caroline! You’re right, she’s all skin and bones.” He shoved her comically in front of one of the plastic covered dining room chairs and pushed her shoulders down until she sat. He kept one hand on her shoulder and the other grabbed mine, giving me a hearty handshake. “Hey, and the rock star is here too! How you doing, son?”