Marty Pants #3

by Mark Parisi

  Simon storms off. He’s steaming that he can’t be in CACA.

  Everything’s going according to plan! Simon is really upset. Soon his anger will make him use his dangerous wizarding powers. Everyone will see!

  At the first official CACA meeting, I sit and wait.

  As I predicted, Simon shows up. But he’s not alone.

  “Marty,” Cricklewood says. “You can’t prevent Simon from joining a school club.”

  “This CACA is mine!” I tell her.

  “What? Never mind. School rules. Simon’s in the club. And be careful, Marty. You already have Strike One.”

  Cricklewood leaves.

  Before I know what’s happening, Simon sits at the table and says, “As an official member, I call for a new election for club president!”

  “What?” I say.

  “I hereby second the motion!” Roongrat chimes in.

  “Wait,” I say.

  “Time to vote!” Simon announces. “Who wants stupid Marty to remain the club president?”

  Fine. Let’s vote.

  “And now,” Simon says, “who wants wonderful ME to be club president?”

  It’s a tie! Now what?

  Simon snaps his fingers and says, “Let’s all welcome our newest member, Carlos!”

  “Three votes for me, two votes for Marty. I WIN!” Simon proclaims. “And as your new and fairly elected president, I hereby change my official title from president to KING!”

  I jump up. “There! You all saw it!” I say. “Simon just used black magic to take my club away! You all saw it!”

  “Sore loser,” Simon says.

  “Don’t you see?!” I say to everyone. “He takes over CACA today. Tomorrow, THE WORLD!”

  Everyone just stares at me.

  Then the door bursts open.

  CHAPTER 20

  things go sour

  “Thank you for coming so quickly, Officer Pickels!” I say as I run over to greet him. “Simon just magically took my CACA from me! Take him away!”

  I called Officer Pickels earlier so he would arrest Simon for illegal use of magic. That was Step Five of my plan. Did I forget to mention Step Five?

  Step Five: Call the authorities.

  But Officer Pickels doesn’t arrest Simon.

  Instead, he gives me a lecture.

  “I like you, Marty,” Officer Pickels says. “But I don’t understand you sometimes. You can’t call me just because you’re not getting along with your friend. I thought this was a real emergency.”

  I want to say, “It is a real emergency!” and “Don’t call him my friend!” But I can tell it won’t get me anywhere.

  Officer Pickels is a nice guy, but he’s like everyone else. He doesn’t notice the things I notice.

  Nobody ever seems to believe me about these things, no matter how many times I’m right.

  To make things worse, Principal Cricklewood pops back into the room.

  One more strike and I’m suspended! Simon’s getting me into so much trouble.

  On the way home I realize that’s been his plan all along. Turn everyone against me.

  Let’s hope he’s not as powerful as I think he is.

  At least I know there’s one thing his powers could never do.

  If he ever manages to do that, his magic can do ANYTHING.

  CHAPTER 21

  the wap heard round the world

  “Class, can anyone remind me where we left off?”

  Weird. It’s not like McPhee to forget things, but I’m certainly not about to remind him.

  I mean, this could turn out GREAT! Just imagine!

  All everyone has to do is keep quiet.

  Gurk! Simon’s going to ruin everything!

  “Yes, Simon?” McPhee says.

  Simon clears his throat. “You were planning to take us on a field trip to The Candy Factory!”

  Holy gurk! I can’t believe Simon said that! The classroom erupts.

  McPhee doesn’t tolerate things like this. Simon’s getting detention for sure!

  I bet the whole class gets detention.

  Except me.

  McPhee narrows his tortoise-like eyes and stares around the room. The class gets stone quiet.*

  Here it comes.

  “LISTEN UP,” McPhee says. “If everyone does well on the next assignment, we can all take a field trip to The Candy Factory.”

  WHAT? I wait for McPhee to say he’s kidding, but he never does.

  WOW! A TOUR OF THE CANDY FACTORY! THIS IS AWESOME! SIMON RULES!

  CHAPTER 22

  hand-eye consternation

  I stare at my hand through class.

  I stare at my hand all through lunch.

  All the way home.

  All through soccer.

  All through dinner.

  All night.

  All through my shower.

  All the way back to school.

  I can’t believe it. I high-fived Simon!

  He actually made me like him. He achieved the impossible!

  Simon’s magic is stronger and more dangerous than I ever imagined!

  CHAPTER 23

  hat trick

  McPhee’s in a good mood two days in a row? Impossible!

  “Remember,” McPhee says. “Do well on this assignment and we’ll take a field trip to The Candy Factory.”

  Gurk. I’m trying so hard not to like Simon right now!

  “You’ll be working in pairs,” McPhee continues.

  Pairs? I better act fast so I can get a partner I want. My first option: Parker. I try to catch her eye, but she’s already with Jasmine.

  My second option: Roongrat. I look over and he’s casually trying to get Simon’s attention.

  “Today we’re trying something new,” McPhee says. “You’ll be pulling your partner’s name out of a hat.”

  Something new? Since when does McPhee want to try new things?

  Roongrat reaches into the hat first. I know he wants to pick Simon’s name, but he seems satisfied with his pick of Jasmine.

  Nikki goes next and picks Carlos.

  Jen picks herself and has to try again. Monty.

  My turn. And Parker is still available!

  I put my hand in the hat and feel around. I touch each piece of paper. Which one feels like it has Parker’s name on it?

  I pick one.

  Gurk! No Ordinary Wizard Is Simon!

  Simon moans and pretends he doesn’t want to be partners with me, but I know the truth.

  He made this happen! He wants to get close to me so he can magically steal my artistic skills!

  CHAPTER 24

  foiled again

  This will be the first time I’ve been inside Simon’s house. I’m nervous. His powers must be extra strong in there.

  I need to protect my brain. “Dad, is there any tinfoil?”

  “I don’t think they make tinfoil anymore. We have aluminum foil. Erica’s using it.”

  It’s probably not as good, but it will have to do. While my sister works on her mysterious project, I work on my own.

  When I’m done, it’s off to Simon’s. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

  “Friend is a strong word,” Simon says.

  “It sure is!” Ms. Cardigan chirps. “Have fun, you two!”

  “Really, Marty?” Simon says. “A tinfoil hat?”

  “Aluminum foil,” I correct him. “It’s stylish. What country should we choose for our project?”

  Simon says Hungary.

  No, wait. He said he’s hungry.

  And just like magic, this happens!

  Amazing! Food just shows up! Things would have gone very differently at my house.

  Simon and I pig out on all the snacks while we work on our project. Then Simon’s dad bursts into the room. He’s coach of our soccer team.

  “Hey, Marty!” he says.

  “Hey, Coach.”

  “Stylish hat you got there, Marty!”

  “Thanks, Coach.”

  “Now, make
sure you pull your weight on this project, Marty-man! Don’t drag down Simon’s GPA!”

  “Yes, Coach.”

  “My son’s going to SHAKE UP THE WORLD! Simon’s going to be a brilliant engineer, a star athlete, a great artist, a brave astronaut, or even president!”

  “Maybe not a great artist,” I mumble.

  “There’s no stopping my boy! YOU’LL SHAKE UP THE WORLD!”

  “Yes, Dad.”

  “More enthusiasm, please, Simon!”

  “YES, DAD! I’LL SHAKE UP THE WORLD!”

  “THAT’S MY BOY!”

  “Let me see what you’ve got so far,” Mr. Cardigan says as he nudges Simon out of his seat. He looks over our project.

  “NO, NO, NO!” Mr. Cardigan shouts. “This report is all WRONG!”

  Before we know it, Simon’s dad is doing the assignment for us!

  Amazing!

  First Simon uses his magic powers to get his mom to bring us snacks, then to make his dad do our homework! Wow!

  We just hang out and play video games.

  I have to admit Simon’s wizardry is pretty awesome! This is the life!

  Gurk! I’m starting to like Simon again. Having . . . too . . . much . . . fun . . . must . . . break . . . spell . . .

  I decide to do something bold.

  “Top of the stairs,” Simon says. “Don’t miss.”

  Just to be clear, going to the bathroom isn’t the bold thing I’m about to do. I don’t even need to use the bathroom. Well, the more I think about it, the more I actually do. But my real plan is to snoop.

  I walk casually upstairs. This is what sneakers are made for. Sneaking.

  Instead of heading to the bathroom, I duck into Simon’s bedroom. How do I know it’s Simon’s bedroom?

  Just a guess.

  I open the closet and dig around. There’s a box of old photos. I flip through and come across an old picture of Simon.

  He’s wearing a wizard hat!

  In another, he’s making something levitate with a magic wand!

  I have to show these to someone! I’ll show them to Officer Pickels and then he’ll . . .

  CHAPTER 25

  boom boom

  Gurk. Simon’s little sister Norca caught me snooping. I drop the photos and stand up.

  “I thought this was the bathroom!” I say, thinking fast.

  “Uh-oh!” Norca says. “You went boom boom in there?”

  “No!” I say. “Thank you for stopping me just in time, Norca.”

  “Welcome, Marty!”

  I swoop out of Simon’s room and into the bathroom.

  That was close. Simon must have sent her to spy on me. I guess now that I’m here I’ll snoop around in the bathroom.

  There’s that word again! Sort of. Maybe this is the stuff that gives Simon his charming powers. I’ll get rid of it all, just in case.

  When I’m done, I open the door and Norca is still waiting for me. “Your hat is funny,” she says.

  “The word you’re looking for is stylish,” I say.

  That’s when I notice her doll looks just like Principal Cricklewood!

  Is this how Simon controls Cricklewood? With a voodoo doll?

  If I understand voodoo correctly, all I have to do is change the doll’s appearance so it doesn’t look like Cricklewood. Then Simon won’t have any control over her anymore. I take out my marker.

  There. Now Simon can’t control Cricklewood unless she grows a mustache.

  I head back downstairs and Norca follows.

  She goes straight to her mother to tell her something. Gurk. I hope she doesn’t mention my snooping.

  “That’s nice,” Ms. Cardigan says. “Play with your sister, Simon.”

  Whew.

  The three of us play Norca’s favorite video game.

  We let her win.

  “What are you DOING, Simon?” Mr. Cardigan barks. “Never lose on purpose! Try your hardest at all times!”

  “But, Dad . . .”

  “Give me the controller! I’ll show you how it’s done! The eye of the leopard! The horn of the unicorn! The beak of the seagull!”

  Simon’s dad plays as hard as he can. Shows no mercy.

  He loses to a four-year-old.

  I’m having a blast with Simon. I don’t want to go home.

  “Honey!” Ms. Cardigan calls to her husband. “Get up here! The toilet is overflowing all over the place!”

  You know what? Maybe it’s time for me to leave after all.

  CHAPTER 26

  i said, good day

  Simon and I get our grade on the assignment.

  That does it. My opinion of Simon has completely changed. As far as I’m concerned, Simon is AWESOME.

  He might even be my new best friend.

  “Congratulations,” McPhee says to the class. “Everyone did well on the assignment, so we’re all going to The Candy Factory tomorrow. Everyone take a permission slip.”

  This is really happening! Thanks to Simon!

  “A+! Wow!” my mom says at dinner. “Nice job turning things around at school, Marty!” She has another business trip and made a lobster dinner.

  “I have an excellent brain,” I explain.

  “Of course you do,” my mom says. “And how’s that science project coming along, Erica?”

  “Don’t worry, Erica,” I assure her. “You’ll get used to being the second-smartest kid in the house.”

  After dinner, my mom kisses me goodbye and signs my permission slip.

  To celebrate how wonderful things are, I give Jerome some lobster dipped in butter and catnip.

  Tomorrow will be the best day in the history of field trips. I feel like my whole life has been leading up to this. I can barely sleep.

  They say the great artist Leonardo da Vinci slept for only fifteen minutes every four hours.

  That’s what it feels like for me right now!

  CHAPTER 27

  field tripping

  It’s here! Candy Factory Day!

  When we get to class, McPhee says, “We’re using the buddy system for today’s field trip.”

  “Are we pulling names from a hat?” Simon asks.

  “No, I, um, gave the hat away,” says McPhee. “Everyone just pick a partner.”

  Both Roongrat and I casually try to get Simon’s attention.

  But Simon pairs up with Carlos. Lucky Carlos!

  Roongrat and I end up together, as usual.

  That’s cool. Everything is awesome today!

  “Time to pass in your permission slips,” McPhee says.

  I reach into my backpack.

  Gurk! My mom’s signature is missing! Nooo!

  Of course, I know where it must be right now.

  I need to think quick. I’ll have to bluff.

  I take out a pen and forge my mom’s signature on what’s left of the permission slip. I hope McPhee doesn’t look too closely, but he probably doesn’t even know what my mom’s signature looks like.

  I hand it in and line up at the door with Roongrat. This is going to work!

  “Marty, can you come over here?”

  Gurk!

  I walk to McPhee’s desk. “Is there a problem, sir?”

  “Marty, you expect me to believe this is your mom’s signature?”

  “I stand by it,” I say.

  “Go to the office, Marty,” McPhee says. “Everyone else, follow me to the bus.”

  “But . . .”

  “Marty. Office. Now.”

  NO! This can’t be!

  The class heads to the bus while I take that long walk to the office. I feel like I’m moving in slow motion.

  All the happy voices of my classmates get cut off as the office door closes behind me.

  CHAPTER 28

  no nougat for you

  “Hi, Marty,” Ms. Ortiz says. “Mr. McPhee sent me a message informing me of the situation. Make yourself comfortable.”

  This. Can’t. Be. Happening.

  I have to sit in the office
all day while everyone else goes to The Candy Factory?

  I’m going to miss the best trip in the world on a technicality?

  Ms. Ortiz is usually helpful, but she’s working on her computer like I’m not even there. Like this doesn’t even matter!

  There’s laughing outside. I peek out the window and see my class boarding the bus.

  I notice Principal Cricklewood is going, too! I can’t handle this!

  It’s taking all of my concentration not to cry.

  “Marty,” Ms. Ortiz says.

  “Quiet please,” I sniff, “I’m concentrating.”

  “I just emailed your dad,” she says. “He responded right away and gave you permission to go to The Candy Factory with your class. I’ll print out the email, and it will act as your permission slip.”

  “Ms. Ortiz. I’m trying . . . WHAT? REALLY?”

  “Really. Here you go, Marty. You’re all set!”

  “WOW! Thanks, Ms. Ortiz! You’re the BEST!” I make a mad dash out of the office.

  When I get outside, McPhee is waiting for me by the bus. “Hurry up, Marty!” he says.

  I hand him my new permission slip. I made it!

  Then Ms. Ortiz steps on the bus. She’s coming, too? Awesome! Mr. McPhee seems as pleased as I am.