Light in the Dark

by Lindsay Paige

  Now, if I can only tackle my job interview in an hour.

  When I get home, I’m happy to walk into my apartment and see Idaline. Her mood is kind of off, though. Her smile is half-hearted as she sits on the floor, playing with Sawyer.

  “Where’s my dad?” I ask as I sit on the floor with them.

  “I told him he could head on home.”

  My eyes widen with surprise. She chose to spend time with Sawyer alone. She felt confident enough to do so. Then I ask, “Is everything okay?”

  She shrugs while Sawyer crawls into my lap. He’s always happy to see me. “How was your day?” she asks.

  “Good. How was yours? Do you think you’ll like your new therapist? How did the job interview go?” I’m worried about both considering she doesn’t seem that happy.

  “Good,” she answers quietly. She focuses on Sawyer’s fish. “I think I’ll like my new therapist and the interview went well. I should hear something by the end of the week.”

  “What’s bothering you then?”

  Idaline looks up at me with apprehension. “Lila confronted me again today. She left when I threatened to call the cops. I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you sorry?” There’s nothing that she could possibly have to apologize for. With Sawyer now out of my lap, I crawl over to her and wrap an arm around her shoulders.

  “You had a good day and I had to ruin it by telling you about what happened.”

  Except she hasn’t really told me anything. Regardless, I tell her the only thing I possibly can. “You haven’t ruined anything. If anyone has, it’s Lila. Tell me what happened.”

  “She was waiting for me when I got home. She ranted about how I was ruining her plan to get back together with you and how I needed to leave you. I’m pretty sure she was drunk. When I threatened to call the police, she stalked off. Lila was really angry.”

  Boiling rage bubbles up inside of me. Why must she come and interrupt our lives? Before I can let my thoughts loose, Idaline runs her hand up and down my arm.

  “Why don’t we go out to eat and then get the fish? Let’s have a good night together. I brought a bag to sleep over, if that’s okay with you?”

  It’ll make me feel better if she stays here. She’s vulnerable when she’s over there alone. And I miss her.

  Sawyer bangs a toy against the floor. Here I’ve been thinking the past couple of months about putting him in daycare. Not now. Not until Lila is out of the picture. I don’t want to risk his safety. Sawyer crawls over to me with a big smile. I brush some of his hair off to the side. Pretty soon we’ll have to get his hair cut for the first time.

  “FC?”

  I glance back up at Idaline. “That sounds great. Don’t worry about Lila, okay?” Tomorrow, I’ll call Karen, Lila’s mom, and see if she can’t talk some sense into her daughter. Make her go home. “Keep an eye on him for me for a second.” Idaline nods. While she does that, I get Sawyer’s things together in order for us to leave.

  We need to go out and do things to get our minds off the disaster waiting to happen where Lila is concerned. Focus on the happy things in life and not things like drinking, anxiety, anger, and other not so good things. Honestly, one of the great things about having Sawyer is that he can make me smile so easily. He’s a tiny little mood booster. Having a bad day? Spend five minutes with him and he’ll turn your entire day around.

  Idaline and I spend the rest of our evening out with our entire focus on Sawyer. It’s as if we both need the distraction from our worries and we’re choosing to give Sawyer all of our attention and love. He’s enjoying every second of it. When we get to the pet store, Sawyer is tickled to see all of the fish again. We just get a few guppies.

  Sawyer is mesmerized when we get home and eventually release the fish into the tank. We set it up next to the couch and he sits as close as he can, staring until he gets bored. Idaline helps me put him to bed, reading to him after his bath.

  Idaline curls up on the couch with me afterward. She manages to stay quiet for all of five minutes, which is a feat in and of itself. “FC,” she begins softly, “Lila scares me. I don’t like that she seems to have focused on me for the time being. And my grandpa and parents were wondering if we wouldn’t mind driving back this weekend, so they can meet Sawyer.” She takes a deep breath as if saying that stole what she had.

  Her fear is understandable in my opinion. “If you want, you can hang here until you get a job and I can essentially escort you home after work or whenever you’re ready to go home. That way you’re rarely alone and she has less of an opportunity to come up to you. And yes, we can do that. And try not to worry. I’m going to do my best to get her to leave so neither one of us have to deal with her.”

  “Tell me a secret,” she requests, obviously not wanting to stay on this conversation train.

  “I wish we could go off on a vacation together. Just the two of us, although I doubt I could leave Sawyer for that long without bugging the hell out of my mom,” I finish with a chuckle.

  Idaline perks up. “Well, let’s go. I obviously have no responsibilities right now, which is perfect timing, and you can get the time off work, right? We don’t need to do anything special. Let’s just get away from here.” And silently it’s as if we both hear and get away from Lila.

  I immediately feel like shit for even saying such a thing to her. “I can’t take off without decent notice, Idaline. How about we plan a trip to the beach or something in the next few months?”

  Her shoulders droop, but she nods in understanding. “At least I’m here with you.”

  “Exactly. Cheer up, buttercup. You could be all the way in South Carolina without Sawyer and me.” I hook a finger under her chin and lift until her eyes are on mine. “Just remember, there are only two people in this world I can’t live without and you’re one of them. And we’re both fighters. There’s no way in hell we won’t be together until the day we die.”

  Idaline smiles. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  My hand slides up her thigh and rests between her legs. All it takes is a little rub and she smashes her lips to mine. Passion sizzles between us and maybe a touch of desperation. Idaline hurries to unbutton her jeans, but I slide down to the floor and help her with the undressing.

  “Should we go to your room?” she asks.

  After a shake of my head, I focus on making her feel as good as I know I can. We fool around on the couch for a while before moving to my bedroom to get more comfortable and take things further. Being with Idaline is like nothing I’ve ever experienced with anyone else. Everything is simply perfect, even when it isn’t. There can be laughter, awkward moments, and searing heat and passion the next and it’s all comfortable and easy. There isn’t any shyness or embarrassment.

  Do we need any more proof we’re soulmates than that?

  Afterward, just as I lift myself up on my elbows because my full weight is on her, she uses her arms to knock them out from under me.

  “You don’t have to do that. I like feeling your weight on me. It reminds me you’re here, I’m here, and it makes me feel protected and loved, even if it is harder to breathe,” she adds with a laugh.

  I kiss her jaw. “Can I confess something?”

  “Always.”

  “I know it makes sense for you to have your own place, but at the same time, I wish you lived here already. Somehow, it’s harder knowing you live down the road than when you lived across the state line.”

  Idaline runs her hands through my hair, playing with it like that night she tried to lie to me and say she wasn’t. “We’ll get there,” she replies softly. “We always do.”

  “Karen, you need to talk to her. I don’t care that you don’t want to get involved. She’s your daughter and she’s harassing me and my family. You got through to her the last time. Talk to her and tell her that she won’t accomplish anything here. Hell, find out where she’s staying, so the next time I call the law on her, I can tell them where she’s going.”r />
  Karen is quiet for a moment and I can feel the eyes of my family on me, even though I stepped off to the side to call her. It’s been a week and we came to my parents’ house for dinner. Karen says the one thing to piss me the fuck off.

  “You told us that you wouldn’t keep Sawyer from us, that we could still see him. You haven’t upheld your promise. Why should I do this for you?”

  My back straightens completely and my hand turns into a fist. “What the fuck did you just say? I’ve kept you from Sawyer? When was the last time you called me about him? When was the last time you asked to see him? Don’t throw that bullshit at me, Karen. You’ve made as much effort as Lila to see him since I moved to Raleigh. It’s not my job to make sure you’re in his life; that’s your responsibility. You should do this for your grandson. And if not for him, for your daughter. And if not for her, because you should have some fucking decency to do the right thing here.” I hang up before she can respond. She’s pissed me off enough for one day and I’ve said all I have to say.

  When I face my family again, they all avert their eyes. Everyone but Idaline. The fury in her eyes is sure to match mine. She stands, leaves my family behind, and comes over to me. She takes my hand and leads me further down the hallway. I wish she was leading me to the liquor store. The one person I thought would be willing to talk some sense into Lila isn’t willing, and somehow, that’s my fault.

  “This needs to end. This is stressing both of us out too much. I have an idea, but I don’t know if you’ll like it.”

  Which means I won’t. “What is it?”

  “We sort of trap her. You hang around my apartment complex when I go home tonight, see if she shows up. Then you can follow her, find out where she’s staying, and the next time she comes around you and leaves before the cops show up, we know where to direct them.”

  My head shakes the entire time she talks. “I’m not using you as bait for her psycho ass. No way in hell, Idaline. We’ll figure something else out.”

  “Then you be the bait and I’ll follow her.”

  That’s not an option either. I don’t want Idaline around her any more than she has to be. Idaline reads the answer in my stony gaze and huffs. She storms back down the hallway. I hurry after her and watch as she politely steals Sawyer from my father and plops down on the floor to play with him. She may be upset with me, but I’m even more in love with her. She’s ready to take charge of the situation and run into it head first. Idaline’s ready to grab the bull by the horns, throw that bastard to the ground, and tie him up.

  I’ve never quite seen her like that before. There’s a fierceness surrounding her, even with her pissed at me for not taking her up on one of her ideas. There’s something else we can do to get this settled; I just need to figure it out.

  With the tension radiating from Idaline, it seems my parents are opting to stay out of it. We’ve already had supper, so we’re mostly hanging around and talking, up until my call with Karen. Idaline keeps Sawyer’s sole focus for twenty minutes until they both seem done. Sawyer walks over to me and Idaline stands.

  “I’m heading home. Thanks for inviting me over,” she says to my parents. Idaline insisted on driving separately, so I had a feeling she wouldn’t be staying with me tonight like she has been.

  “There’s no need to rush,” Dad tells her.

  “I actually have my first day of work tomorrow,” she replies without looking at me. She didn’t say a word to me about getting the job she interviewed for.

  My parents congratulate her, but I am stuck on the fact that she didn’t share this news with me. Why? I don’t understand. Idaline walks over, plants a chaste kiss on my lips, and whispers a goodbye. I’m tempted to follow her out. One, for the simple fact of walking her to her car, and two, to ask why she didn’t tell me, but something about the air around her tells me to leave her be for tonight.

  Sawyer climbs into my lap, grunting all the way as if it’s a huge struggle, and then rests against my chest.

  “You might want to head home too, son,” Dad says. “That one looks ready for bed.” He points to a yawning Sawyer.

  I rub his back. “You ready to go home, Sawyer? See the fish and then go to bed?” Sawyer yawns once more, which I take for a yes. “Say goodbye to PaPa and MeMa.” A sure sign that he’s tired? He turns his head toward my neck to hide his face as I stand up with him in my arms. Mom and Dad stand since he obviously isn’t coming to them. When they ask for some sugar before he leaves, he almost reluctantly leans away just enough for them to kiss his cheek before he cuddles back into me.

  There’s one thing for certain: when my kid is ready for bed, he’s ready and he doesn’t give a shit about anything else.

  By the time I get him home and into bed, I expect to have heard something from Idaline, but no luck. Should I text her? Or leave her be? Maybe she’s still upset about earlier and wants some time to herself. I’ll give her tonight, but tomorrow? I want some answers.

  I change out of my clothes into just a pair of pajama pants and collapse onto the couch for some TV time before bed. Today seemed like a rather long day at work. This is the first time all day that I’ve truly relaxed.

  And about five minutes later, there’s a soft knock on my door. I seem to relax further, hoping it’s Idaline. Maybe we can talk about why she didn’t tell me about her new job. Instead, I make the stupidest mistake ever. I was so focused on the fact that it had to be Idaline that I didn’t double check with the peephole.

  Lila stands on the other side. Before I can say one word, she’s talking. “What is it about her, FC? How is she better than me? Her name is Idaline for fuck’s sake,” she spits. “How can you love her more than me? You know I never meant to hurt you. I love you way more than she does and I can treat you better, I promise! Please give me another chance.” Lila actually drops down to her knees. She wraps her arms around my legs. “C’mon, FC. We are supposed to be together. Not you and that evil bitch. I’m Sawyer’s mom, not her. Let’s get back together, please!”

  “Get up, Lila! I don’t have time for this shit.” I yank her arms from around my legs and do my best to make it a gentle push away from me. “Get it through your hard fucking head that we are never getting back together. We’re over. I’m with Idaline and I wouldn’t leave her for you. She’s who I want to be with. You’re nothing but a dirty piece of shit who needs to have power over someone and we don’t need that in our lives. Go back home. You’re doing nothing but wasting your time and looking pathetic in the process.”

  All I see before I slam the door in her face is the same pissed off look I saw that night she beat the shit out of my back with the whip. I expect her to bang on the door so we can continue to argue, but nothing happens. I peer out of the peephole and it seems she’s left.

  Why does that worry me more than if she had stayed and argued with me some more?

  I’ve never been so nervous before. First, I was nervous because I didn’t have a job and now I’m nervous because I do have a job. I’m actually grateful to come home to my own apartment and have some time to myself as well as some peace and quiet. But between worrying about my first day and stressing over Lila, I’m pretty damn close to a nervous breakdown.

  Something needs to give and I would prefer if it was the situation with Lila considering I would like to keep my new job. As long as everything goes well tomorrow, that is. I toss and turn in bed. If I’m not wondering how my first day of work goes, then I’m trying to come up with a way to get Lila out of our lives. I’ve reached my limit when it comes to her. She’s toxic to our lives. It’s obvious that when something is toxic, you get rid of it. But I have to figure out how to do so with FC’s approval.

  I may also feel a little guilty for not feeling guilty about keeping the news of my new job to myself. I’m just too nervous. I want to make sure everything goes well and that it looks like I won’t fuck up enough to lose it so soon.

  Morning comes and I’m so tired from constantly waking up from an unruly slee
p. Putting on a pair of scrubs feels like putting on my favorite pair of pajamas that went missing for a long time. Who knew a simple uniform would feel more like armor than just a pair of scrubs. I actually feel a little like my old self again. Some of my anxiety fades away, but not all of it.

  I’m driving to my new place of work when I get a call from FC.

  “Hey,” I answer.

  “Hey. How are you doing this morning?”

  “Good. I’m on my way to work.” I pause. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about that. I’ve had anxiety and I wanted to make sure it goes well first.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I just wanted to check in on you and wish you a good first day. Call me when you get off, okay? Tell me how it goes.”

  “I will.” Something feels off between us, but I don’t have time to think about it. We have to hang up because FC is nearly to work and so am I.

  My first week is going to mostly involve me sticking to a co-worker to learn the ropes of the facility, how the people operate, and always have someone nearby in case I have a question. My boss meets with me as well. He seems super nice, even with his no-nonsense attitude. I’m paired with a guy named Teddy for the day and I have a feeling I’ll like him, too. He’s probably in his early thirties with a little bit of a beard, a fit body, and he’s on the shorter side.

  We have lunch together, which goes well too.

  “Where did you work before this?” Teddy asks me.

  “At a nursing home back in South Carolina. I really enjoyed it.”

  Teddy’s eyes widen. “So, what brought you here?” He smiles. “Let me guess. Some guy?” When I nod, he laughs. “Figures. I hope things go well. You should like it here. This is a good place. The management is fantastic, the patients are mostly good to work with, and who can complain about the pay or the benefits? I think they’ve put you on my schedule for the first week, but everyone who works here is good people. Just be careful around Colleen and Kathy. They can be a little touchy sometimes.”