Light in the Dark

by Lindsay Paige

We all hold our breaths for five seconds. Slowly, Sawyer leans away from me and lifts his arms so Grandpa McAllister can pick him up. That’s my boy. I watch them walk away toward the living room.

  “He’ll be fine,” Idaline says, thinking I need reassurance.

  “I know. Want some help?” She’s picking up the dishes and running some water to wash them.

  “No. Go ahead and shower. Everything you need is in the bathroom closet.”

  Leaving her, I check in on Sawyer before I take my shower. He’s happily playing with his new grandpa, who got him a little toy train. After showering and after Idaline takes her shower, Sawyer runs the show until one after another her family arrives. First, her parents show up.

  Her mother, Heidi, quickly shakes my hand before moving to Idaline, who holds Sawyer. I’ve never felt so quickly dismissed in my life. Her father, on the other hand, lags behind.

  “It’s nice to see you again, FC. You have a good-looking boy there.”

  “Thank you,” I reply.

  Sawyer hides in Idaline’s neck, becoming shy as Heidi talks to him. When her father, Simon, speaks to him and says hello, he reaches for me. They’re barely comfortable before Idaline’s brother, Brandon, his wife, Candace, and their daughter, Kelsey, all arrive. Sawyer is not having any of it. With so many new people around, he’s overwhelmed and shy. But Kelsey is around six years old and she’s very interested in Sawyer. She stands at my knees with her stare hyper-focused on Sawyer.

  “What’s his name?” she asks.

  “Sawyer.”

  “Hey, Sawyer.” She waves and reaches for his hand, but Sawyer pulls it away, keeping his hand close to him. Kelsey frowns. “I wanna play, Sawyer.” She spots his new train sitting on the arm of the couch next to me and picks it up. Sawyer sits up. She definitely has his attention now. “Is this his?”

  “It is,” I reply. “You can play with it too.”

  Kelsey thinks for a moment, leaning against my legs. She drives the train on my thigh and over to Sawyer’s foot. He quickly reaches for it. Kelsey lets him take it. Sawyer pushes the train and then drives it toward Kelsey. And that is how their friendship begins. It’s also how Sawyer slowly opens up to everyone else here.

  “How’s your job going?” Brandon asks Idaline.

  “It’s great. I think it’ll work out. FC works on cars.” That’s how Idaline has answered almost every question she’s been asked. I can’t decide if it’s because she doesn’t want her family to focus on her or if because so far, they haven’t focused on me yet. She’s sitting next to me, gripping my hand in a vise, though. I wasn’t expecting her to be nervous right now.

  Her family is great. They accept me and take the time to learn about me as we move to the kitchen for lunch. It doesn’t take long for things to seem like a regular family dinner. Idaline relaxes as well. We all know that this weekend isn’t about her family spending more time with me. They were all about meeting Sawyer, who officially has a new friend in Kelsey.

  That in and of itself makes this weekend a success. It almost makes me wonder if I shouldn’t go ahead and put him in daycare with other kids. That is something I’ll have to think about and see if I feel comfortable enough to do such a thing, especially with Lila hanging around.

  “I should probably go home,” Idaline says once we return to my apartment Sunday.

  “Oh, no. You’re staying here tonight.”

  She smiles. “If you insist.”

  “I insist.”

  After I put Sawyer down for a nap, we sit on the couch together. It feels good to be home. I enjoyed leaving, but I also like being home where all of Sawyer’s things are. Idaline snuggles against me with her hand just above my waistline. Before I can take advantage of how close she is, my phone vibrates with a text.

  I pick up my phone and see a text from an unfortunately familiar number.

  Lila: Please, FC. Come home.

  Me: Go home, Lila. I’m not leaving Idaline. I don’t want to be with you. Ever. It’ll never happen.

  I toss my phone to the side. I don’t know what to do anymore. She’s relentless and unreasonable. I’m tired of being in contact with her, but I won’t give in either. She pisses me off, too. I’ve worked so hard to get away from her, stay sober, and take care of my son. I’ve worked so hard to be happy and get to this place where I can be with Idaline. Then she comes back and tries to ruin it all.

  “This won’t work for me tonight, FC,” Idaline declares as she grabs onto my shoulders and straddles my lap. “You’re tense; I don’t want to know why. I want to fix it. I want my old FC back.” She slides her hands to cup my neck, interlocking her fingers. “We’re together now, FC. Let’s always make the most of it because it’s us against the world.”

  That causes me to smile. “You know, I said basically the same thing to Sawyer after I mailed you my name. That it was me and him against the world.”

  “Now you’ve got me too.”

  My smile widens. I grab her ass. “I definitely have you. How are you going to fix me?”

  Without any preamble, she removes her shirt and bra. And then she kisses the hell out of me. I’m so immersed in Idaline, nothing else exists in the world at this moment. I’m not even sure I exist right now. All I need is Idaline anyway. Her touch that sends my heart racing. Her kiss lights a fire that goes straight to my dick. Being with her like this, bare with nothing between us, takes my breath away. It’s one of the best things to ever happen to me.

  “I love you,” I whisper after as we cuddle on the couch. I grab a blanket to cover us up.

  “I love you,” she says, kissing my chest. She lifts her head. “I’m exhausted now, though. The whole weekend and what we just did has hit me. I need sleep now.”

  “Whatever you want, love.”

  We head to bed, but a bad feeling of impending doom follows me. It keeps me up while Idaline falls asleep next to me. It follows me to work. The feeling eats away at me all day that something bad is coming. But I haven’t heard from Lila, so maybe she’s gone home and my sixth sense is overreacting.

  Except it’s not.

  As I leave from work, I find a note under the windshield of my car that absolutely terrifies me and sends me driving like a madman to Idaline’s apartment while repeatedly calling her.

  If I can’t have you, neither can she.

  “You bitch.” I turn just in time to catch a fist to the face. Lila’s eyes blaze with a fury I’ve yet to see. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. I stop breathing. “FC won’t come back to me because of you.” Her hand shakes. “I’m going to get rid of you.”

  Oh, god. My heart launches into my throat and the world swims for a moment. “Lila, let’s think about this for a second. FC definitely won’t get back with you if you hurt me.”

  “Shut up!”

  She launches toward me and my reaction is to defend myself. Lila lands another hit to my head, but with a brief moment of reprieve, I relax only because I’ve knocked the gun out of her hand. She either doesn’t care or doesn’t notice somehow. I’m backed against my door, her hands around my throat, and she rants. My hands claw at hers, but she’s unforgiving in her grasp.

  Giving up on that, I shove her away while stomping on her foot. She staggers backward.

  “You’re crazy!” I rasp.

  “FC is mine! Sawyer is mine!”

  I couldn’t respond even if I wanted to because she comes at me again. She hits me in the nose; pain radiates, and I feel liquid sliding down my face. I mostly try to shove her away, but I do hit her in the stomach once and the face once.

  “Just get away from me!” I keep shouting. “Leave me alone!” I shove her hard, hoping to put some space between us and earn some time to take a breath. With horror, I watch as she loses her footing and falls backward over the railing. I hurry to catch her, but it’s too late. I lean over the edge and nearly vomit when I see her.

  Lila’s body is impaled on the wrought iron fence down below in the courtyard. I scurry
to find my purse among this mess and immediately call 911 while rushing down to where she is.

  “911, what’s your emergency?”

  “I…oh god…she’s impaled on the fence,” I blurt out as I rush down the six flights of stairs, somehow thinking that’s faster than the elevator. “It’s totally my fault. Oh, god.”

  “Ma’am. Is she still alive?”

  “I’m trying to find out. We were on the sixth floor; I’m trying to get to her.”

  But by the time I reach Lila, a few neighbors from the complex have joined me. A man shakes his head. She’s dead. I killed her. Panic swoops down and grips my heart. Blood covers her entire shirt and runs down the fence. So much blood.

  The man tries to ask if I’m okay, apparently having seen the entire thing. An ambulance and cops soon swarm the complex, along with some firefighters as they work to carefully remove Lila’s body. Paramedics check on me, but are only able to tell the cops what I already know. A panic attack drowns my senses.

  My chest aches, my arms are numb, and I can’t breathe. I hear the cops talking to the man who said he witnessed me killing Lila. Hearing him recount the details makes me want to vomit.

  And then I hear, “Idaline! Idaline! Let me through!”

  With wobbly legs, I stand and follow the sound of his voice. FC frantically looks around the cop who blocks his entrance until he sees me. He ducks under the yellow tape and runs to me with the officer chasing behind him.

  “Are you okay? What happened?” He cups my face so gently and asks me with such concern that I burst into tears. FC stills and I can only imagine what he spots. “Is that Lila?”

  I turn to see the stretcher with the white blanket over it and nod.

  “Sir, you can’t be back here,” the officer breaks in.

  “I’ll leave, but she’s coming with me.” He holds onto me tighter.

  He sighs and leaves. FC holds me in his arms without saying a word. Unfortunately, the officer left only to get his supervisor. Before he can speak, FC produces a note that was apparently left on his car from Lila. Her intent was clear. I should be in the clear because what happened was a result of self-defense, but I still have to talk to them.

  By the time I’m free to go, FC is escorting me to his car.

  “I’m so sorry,” I tell him. “I didn’t mean to. How can you and Sawyer ever forgive me?” I mean, I know Lila wasn’t the best person in the world to him, but she did give birth to his child. What if Sawyer one day wants to talk to her or something and FC allows it? He no longer has that option because of me.

  “You have nothing to apologize for, Idaline. It was an accident. We don’t have to forgive you. You made sure you survived; that’s what matters.”

  I shake my head in disagreement. “You didn’t see her on the fence. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard. What if Sawyer asks about her and wants to meet her one day? Now he can’t.”

  “Maybe I’m a shit human being, but I’m relieved she’s gone. It means I don’t have to deal with her bullshit anymore. Her stalking me and fucking with my mind. I can rest easy knowing for sure that she’ll never negatively affect my son. Please, love, don’t feel bad about this. It was an accident that ended her life, but she was trying to end yours.”

  I don’t know that I can so easily dismiss it as he is. Every time my eyes close, even for the briefest of seconds, I see her on the fence.

  “I was about to call you and ask why you’re running so late,” Nana says as we walk in. She picks up Sawyer and turns to face us. “What happened?”

  “Lila’s dead,” FC says plainly. “She attacked Idaline and when Idaline pushed her away, she fell over the ledge outside her apartment and landed on top of a fence, which killed her on impact.” He recounts the details as if they mean absolutely nothing.

  Nana hands Sawyer to FC and comes to hug me. “It’s okay, Idaline. You’ll be all right.” Her soft, sweet words cause me to break down into tears again.

  “Tell her it’s not her fault and she has nothing to be sorry for,” FC says.

  “She went through something traumatic, FC. Give her some space,” Nana scolds him. “Be more sympathetic toward her.”

  “I feel terrible,” I mumble.

  “Of course you do, dear. Someone lost their life today. But it’ll be okay. Maybe you should lie down and relax for a bit.” She leads me to FC’s bedroom and makes sure I crawl into bed and get comfortable. “If you need to talk to someone, I’m here.”

  “Thanks.” I wipe my eyes as she leaves the room. I try to sleep. I do. Exhaustion wraps around me like a snug cocoon. But when I close my eyes, I see Lila with a pointed piece of iron poking out of her chest and blood spreading all over, her head hanging backward with eyes wide open with fear.

  My fingernails constantly dig into my inner elbow. I must check to see if this is reality and not some nightmare. The pain pierces my skin each time. Eventually, I doze off, but it’s not any better than being awake. My dream takes me down a worse path than reality. Lila and I argue over FC. I purposely shove her, wanting this craziness to end, and I lean over to see her screaming and clutching the iron spike piercing her through the heart.

  FC grabs me by the shoulders, shaking me and yelling at me. “How could you do this? She’s still important to me! She’s my son’s mother! You killed her! I hate you!” The more he yells, the louder Lila’s screams ring in my ears.

  “Idaline! Idaline!”

  I bolt upright, gasping and sweating, to find a concerned FC sitting on the edge of the bed next to me. Without hesitation, he pulls me into his arms.

  “You’re okay.”

  “I don’t think I am,” I whisper. “I had a nightmare about what happened.”

  He smooths down my hair and kisses the top of my head. “When is your next therapy appointment? He will probably be more helpful than I will be, even though you know I’m here for you. Whatever you need, you tell me and I’ll help you. I understand you may be feeling some justifiable emotions over what happened, but you shouldn’t feel at fault for an accident that resulted from you being attacked.”

  What he says makes sense, but it’s not working for me right this second.

  “Are you hungry? You should eat something.” FC stands and tugs on my hand. Reluctantly, I follow after him. “Lila’s parents called me.” I look at him with worry. “They admitted they were worried she might do something like this because she called them recently and she didn’t sound quite right. They have no hard feelings, even though they are mourning their loss. They said they would let me know when the funeral is.”

  “Will you go?” I ask. It is somewhat of a relief that her parents don’t blame me, but at the same time, would FC lie to make me feel better? I don’t think he would, in all honesty, but I worry nonetheless.

  FC sighs as he sets a plate on the table and I sit. “I don’t know. I have no reason to go, except maybe for Sawyer, but even then, is that really a reason to go? Yeah, she’s dead and I’m sorry for her and her family, but that doesn’t change the fact that she was a shit human being.” He takes a deep breath. “I have a hard time finding compassion here. I just can’t with her. If that makes me a shit human being too, then oh well. I can live with that.”

  “So, you aren’t going,” I state.

  He shrugs. “Doesn’t sound like it, does it?”

  “No. Thanks for dinner.”

  He nods a welcome. We’re quiet while I eat. The good news is I don’t have to worry about going straight to work tomorrow. I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning; talk about great timing. All I need to do is survive the night. FC doesn’t say much and we actually go to bed early. He holds me in his arms, pouring all his comfort from his body to mine. His body doesn’t take long to relax into a sleeping state. I, however, am terrified of falling asleep.

  What if I have another dream about Lila’s death? I can’t stand to see her body again. I lie next to FC all night, and then on my own when he shifts away from me, with my eye
s wide open. My heartbeat thrums throughout my entire body, making it hard to relax. When I hear the beginnings of Sawyer’s cries, I slip out of bed to change his diaper and rock him back to sleep. There’s no sense in FC waking up when I’m already awake.

  My body betrays me after I lie back down and caves to the exhaustion. Instead of seeing Lila, I’m lying flat and I’m in extreme discomfort. When I look down at myself, there’s a spike piercing my chest and holding me in place. Sticky blood coats my white T-shirt and my hands clutch the iron as if I can somehow remove myself. I gasp for air, but drown in blood. Two figures appear above me: FC and Lila. The spike appears to lengthen, but it’s only my body sliding down as I realize they hold hands.

  “You can’t keep us apart now,” Lila smirks. “Enjoy your well-deserved death.”

  Just as she turns to FC, grabs his face, and is about to kiss him, I jolt awake. I glance over to see FC walking out of his bathroom with a frown on his face.

  “Another nightmare?” he asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry. Maybe things will get better after therapy today. The shower is ready for you.”

  “Thanks.” I lie in bed for a few extra minutes, though. I watch FC move around, getting dressed, and eventually going to get Sawyer who has woken up. That’s when I decide it’s time for my own shower.

  My chest aches and my fingers tingle; good signs that my anxiety is up and running this morning. FC has breakfast on the table and helps feed Sawyer when I join them in the kitchen. Small talk is doable, but I don’t really pay attention to what’s going on. My anxiety annoys me enough that I take my pill that’s supposed to calm me down during an attack and hope it works quickly and lasts all day.

  Sitting in the waiting room for Mr. Tucker is hard. It feels as if everyone stares at me. As if everyone knows what I did. The relief I feel when I’m called to the back nearly has me floating on air. Mr. Tucker smiles when he sees me.

  “How is Miss Idaline today?”

  “Not that great.”

  His smile all but disappears. “Tell me what’s going on. Have you found a job yet? Is everything going well with FC?”