Manage Me (Toven's Circus #1)

by Marlowe Fox

  Until I hear a knock on the door causing me to freeze.

  “Uh, everything okay in there?” Comes Ryker’s concerned voice through the door.

  “Yeah, Ryker, I am fine.” I squeak out before pulling a pillow over my face.

  “Nell?” Comes his questioning tone as he pops open the door. I decide to stay hidden instead of facing him. “One time huh?” He chuckles.

  Pulling the pillow from my face, I glare at him. “Shut up, Jaden is staying with his family tonight, so I just thought that since he was going to be gone, that I would steal a chance at sleeping in a real bed for a night.” Hey it’s true. ”What are you doing back here?”

  “I had the same thought, then heard you screaming. It didn’t sound like the fun kind that usually comes from this room.” I try hard not to flinch and Ryker chuckles before falling forward onto the bed.

  “Uh…dibs, what are you doing?”

  “We are the only two on the bus tonight. I thought we could hang out.” He says almost shyly.

  It dawns on me that we are in his hometown and he’s stayed every night on the bus. He didn’t have anyone cheering him on tonight like the rest on the band. No family, no friends. The band is his family but that doesn’t make this time easy for him.

  “Yeah, we can hang out. What do you want to do?” I smile at him and see a sense of relief wash over his face.

  “We could make some food and watch a movie.”

  “I get to pick the movie!” I yell jumping up.

  “Fine, but I pick snacks.”

  “Deal,” Along the vanity there is a line of blue-ray cases. I start skimming the titles as Ryker makes his way to the kitchen.

  All the movies are either action, comedy, or horror. I love a good horror movie, so I grab Rob Zombies, House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects. I set up the first one in the player then head out to help Ryker with snacks. Upon entering the kitchen I smell popcorn. He has about 10 different kinds of candies mixed in a bowl, a 6-pack of Dr. Pepper, and a bag of Cheetos.

  “My god, you eat like a 10 year old.” I laugh grabbing a soda. “Mmm… my favorite.” Popping the top and taking a long swig.

  “Me too. And yeah, I kind of splurge in the candy aisle. We didn’t have a lot when I was growing up, so candy wasn’t something that I got very often.”

  “Well it’s a good thing I love candy.” I say popping a skittle into my mouth and grinning. “Do your parents still live in Oregon?”

  “No, they are both dead.” His face closing off.

  “My mom is dead. Died when I was 16.” We share the quiet moment but neither of us elaborate. The microwave dings and Ryker grabs the bag out, adding it to the bowl of candy, then mixing it all together. “Gah, what are you doing!”

  “It’s good, trust me.” He loads up his arms, making his way back to the bedroom, leaving me to stare in shock at the candy he just destroyed.

  We make ourselves comfy on the bed with our snacks. With an unspoken agreement Ryker stays on the outside of the blankets fully clothed. The candy concoction from hell is actually really yummy. The salty, sweet, buttery mix somehow taste delicious.

  He grabs the remote and pauses, not looking at me he says, “I’m sorry about your mom.”

  “Thanks, but I’m not.” I say softly, but his head jerks to look at me. “I’m sorry about your parents.”

  “Don’t be, I’m not either.” His voice is gruff and we continue looking at one another, recognizing the pain of abuse caused by the people you are supposed to trust most. Reaching out Ryker clasps my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, then lets it go and turns to the TV, hitting play on the movie.

  Without saying another word about it, we make our way through the first movie and half of the second, before I pass out. The bowl of sugary goodness mostly devoured between us.

  Chapter 22

  Jaden

  I head back to the bus early. It is always great to see my family but when we are all under the same roof it becomes a bit overwhelming. I have to meet up with Emily to talk in a couple hours. Plus, I miss her. I want to see Nell before having to face the Dragon.

  We will be heading to Seattle. I am looking forward to being together 24/7 for the next three months. A fact that should be freaking me out, didn’t at all. Actually, I was truly excited to spend more time with her. I want to hear about her childhood growing up with all those music legends. I want to know what foods she likes, her favorite movies, and what her favorite color is. I want to know what makes Nell tick and what drives her, and I want to just bury myself deep inside her over and over again.

  I think about the night before in the hot tub. Nell was definitely not the innocent girl that I thought she was and I fucking love it. I love that she was willing to play games with me. She messes with me right back, which is a first. Most girls just jump on for the ride, so they can say they fucked me. Nell wants to challenge me and make me work for her. She is stubborn and competitive. Fuck me, her competitive streak is hot. My cock twitches in excitement “Hang on big guy, we’ll be seeing her soon.” and I hope we can convince her to play another game before I have to leave.

  Entering the bus, Finn and Ashton are sitting at the table quietly eating cereal together.

  “Hey, so I wanted to talk to you guy’s about something real quick.” They both eye me with concern. I told them and Ryker about Emily’s pregnancy and they all felt the same way I do about it. “I know things are crazy with the whole Emily thing, but, uh,” I lose my nerve a little bit but power through. "Nell and I, uh, well fuck, I really like Nell.” I finally get out. They both give him the same what the fuck look.

  “Jaden, what? You can’t date Nell, she is Craven’s daughter. You can’t gamble with the bands future because you can’t keep your dick in your pants.” Ashton spits out, trying to be quiet but she looks like she's about to jump out of her chair and choke me.

  “It’s not like that. I really fucking like this chick.” I tell them and they both look surprised.

  “What about Emily? Have you even warned Nell about that crazy asshole?” Finn calmly asks.

  “No, I haven’t told her yet, I wanted to wait until we get the results of a paternity test before freaking everyone out about it. I am meeting up with her this morning to talk through a plan. I’m going to tell her that I will pay for the test to be done and that it needs to stay absolutely quiet. No one needs to know about any of this, especially the press.”

  Ashton is shaking her head but Finn continues, “Good, that all sounds great. Hopefully she will be understanding…” he say this while giving me a, good fucking luck, look, “And what happens when you lose interest in Nell in a week? We have three months to spend trapped on this bus with the two of you. Do you really think that you can just sleep with a girl like Nell, then ditch her to sleep with another chick six feet away?”

  “I told you, it’s not like that with her.” I almost tell them I’m in love with her but I want to tell her before anyone else.

  “It better not be like that Jaden. We all love this band, the music, the fans, the tours, it’s not fair to ask us all to risk losing that because you have a crush.” Ashton says sternly.

  “I promise, I am not going to fuck this up. If it doesn’t work out with us, we will figure out how to continue working together. This won’t affect the band. She knows how much the band means to us. She wouldn’t do that to us.”

  “You’ve known her for like two seconds. You have no idea what she would or wouldn’t do to us.” Ashton points out.

  “Look, she doesn’t want to fuck up her career either. Going to her Dad or trying to fuck with us, would fuck her up, too.” I growl out in a low tone. “She is the first chick I've liked, and I mean really fucking liked, in forever. She’s not just some groupie skank that I want to get my rocks off with, and while yeah, that part is fucking amazing, I do actually like to hang out with her, too.” They both just stare at me.

  “Jesus fuck, am I really that bad?” I ask starting to fe
el like I am a huge asshole without knowing it.

  “Jaden, no! You are amazing, but you haven’t been with a girl for more than a couple nights since, you know…” Ashton trails off without saying the name of the girl that we all promised we would never talk about again. Regardless to her sensitivity I still visibly flinch.

  “Yeah, well…” With the thought of her, I feel my walls crash down. I hadn’t actually thought about her in years but I can see how what she did has directly affected my need to keep girls from getting close.

  “Let’s just drop it. We know you’re a good guy, Jaden. We all know that she wreaked havoc in your life. Nell does seem really great, and sane, besides being interested in you.” Ashton says trying to make light of the situation. Finn eagerly nods his agreement.

  Shaking my head, I glance around wondering where my girl and Ryker are at. “Where is Nell and Ryker?”

  “Still asleep I think.” Finn says, milk dribbles down his chin.

  I make my way past him, through the kitchen, and into the hall with the bunks. Nell’s bed is empty and I grin, assuming she decided to sleep in my bed. Heading past the other bunks, I quietly open the door to the bedroom.

  She sleeps soundly in my spot on the bed. Her face smothered in my pillow. The comforter is partly covering her torso with one long smooth bare leg thrown over another pillow. It’s like she’s built herself her own Jaden out of pillows to snuggle with. A big grin breaks out on my face as I creep closer. I can just make out the hem of her shorts and a strap of a tank top on her shoulder, bummer, I guess she isn’t sleeping naked. A loud snore comes from the other side of the bed and I finally notice the blanket that is usually at the end of the bed tossed over Ryker.

  I see red. My blood fires straight to kill mode and I reach over grabbing Ryker by the shirt and hauling him up to my face. A couple pieces of candy stick to his cheek and a strain of drool hangs off his chin.

  “What the fuck are you doing in bed with my woman?” I roar at my best friend, at my brother. His sleepy eyes focus on my face with a look of confusion.

  Nell jumps out of bed and pulls on my arm, “Jaden, let him go! Nothing happened, we were watching movies, and fell asleep!” she tries for calm but I don’t hear her. Finn barrels through the bedroom door and pries his way between us. Ryker still hasn’t said anything, he just looks at me, hurt in his eyes.

  The look he is giving me takes a few minutes to register past my fury. But when it does, I stop, I let him go, and take some steps back. Nell is in my arms, grabbing my face to look at her. When I do, her eyes are full of tears, and her mouth is moving but I can’t hear anything. I close my eyes and shake my head.

  “Watching scary movies, eating candy, and drinking soda. We must have fallen asleep. I swear we were just hanging out. It wasn’t anything like what you are thinking.” The tears are falling down her face and I reach up catching them, nodding my head. I see that now. Ryker is still fully clothed in jeans and a t-shirt. A big bowl of popcorn and candy is tipped over in the middle of the bed. Soda cans litter the top of the headboard. The TV is even still on running the blue-rays screensaver.

  “Yeah, I see that. Sorry for jumping to conclusions.” I mumble, feeling like an ass for flipping out. Even though I don’t know Nell all that well, I do know Ryker, and he is my brother. He would never, ever do that to me. “Ryk, I am sorry, man…I” before I can continue Ryker stomps out of the room. I start to head after him but Finn grabs my arm stopping me.

  “Let him go and give him some time. You know how he is,” I nod agreeing and turn back to Nell, Finn and Ashton head out, closing the door.

  I step into Nell’s space and grab her tear stained face with both hands. “I’m sorry,” I say softly looking deep into her eyes.

  She tries to shake her head, to shake off the apology, but I don’t let her. “I was an ass and lost my cool. I should have taken a second but I didn’t and I am sorry. I had just been talking with Finn and Ashton about some shit and it had me spun up. Walking in here, I just wasn’t expecting to see what I saw. Will you forgive me?” Nell lightly nods. The look of fear in her eyes is gone and she tries out a smile. I lean forward brushing my lips softly against hers but not kissing her. I need her to give me the okay and luckily I don’t have to wait long before she leans into me, sealing our lips together.

  We kiss lightly at first, but her hands soon weave up into my hair and I wind my arms around her pulling her close. Nibbling on her lips while she releases a sweet gasp but before I get to really dive into her, she coyly pushes me back.

  “I forgive you, but Jaden, I am only going to say thing once and you better believe it. I’m not in this because you’re Jaden fucking James. In fact, it would be a whole fucking lot easier if you weren’t. I’m not a star fucker, I don’t fuck just anything with a dick, and I especially don’t cheat.” Her eyes are hard staring me down.

  “I hear you and I promise you I will never accuse you again.” I wrap her face up in my hands and brush her cheek with my thumb, on the verge of pouring my heart out but chicken out at the last second fastening my mouth to hers.

  “So what were you talking about with Finn and Ashton that had you all spun up?” She asks pushing back again. Damn it, I was hoping to not talk about this now. But after being such a douche I know I own her more of an explanation. Nell patiently waits me out.

  “My ex.” I pause, maybe she’ll be satisfied with that…

  “Annnnnd?” Arching a blonde brow and folding her arms over her chest.

  Damn it.

  “And how she royally fucked me up.” I take a deep breath, readying myself to spill my guts. “I’d known…Courtney,” I choke over the name, “for years. She was the only kid on the street my age to play with, so we ended up falling in together. When high school hit, we eventually started dating. She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, and my first love. We lost our virginity to each other, and thought we would be together forever. She loved the band, loved coming to see us practice, and always made it to every show. After we all graduated, it became all about the music for us but Court was still there. She worked and was in school. I made it through a couple semesters but it just wasn’t for me, music was, and school was taking my time away from the band.” I run my hands through my hair and pause, I hate talking about this time. Nell pulls me over to the bed and pushes me to sit. She sits down next to me, grabbing my hand, resting it on her bare knee. Offering me silent support to continue my story.

  “Toven’s Circus was quickly building a following in Portland and we were getting booked at bigger places. A few labels came out to talk to us but no one had made any offers yet. After quitting school, I got a job making pizzas. We all worked crappy jobs and put any extra money towards studio time. Court and I started having fights about how much I was devoting to the band. She was ready to settle down, wanted me to get a real job so we could move in together. I didn’t not want to settle down and have a family someday, but I didn’t want it when I was 19 years old. I wanted my music, I wanted my band. I wanted to see, to travel, and share my music with the world. Despite our issues, we stayed together.

  “When we heard that Craven was interested and sending someone to see us play, we were out of our minds excited. Our big break was right there and we just needed to focus. We wrote some new songs and practiced until everything was perfect. The night finally came and we were air tight, playing better than ever before.” I am grinning ear to ear at the memory.

  “It turns out that your Dad decided to come in person to see us instead of sending someone else. He offered a deal at the end of our set. We naively signed the contract right then and there, we were lucky it was a good deal, because he could have royally screwed us. But your dad is a good guy.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know how wonderful and noble my father is, keep going.” Nell says rolling her eyes.

  “Yeah okay, Princess.” She laughs, punching out to hit my arm but I grab her, pulling her into me for a kiss. Despite the heaviness of the convers
ation, I can’t seem to keep my hands off her for long. I nibble on her jaw to her neck, wanting to get her under me again, but she pushes me back again with the sweetest giggle.

  “Nice try Casanova, but you aren’t going to distract me that easily.”

  Letting out a frustrated breath I flop back on the bed and stare at the ceiling while I tell the rest.

  “So, we signed with your Dad and quickly invited everyone we knew to a huge celebration party at Finn’s house. We were all having a great time drinking and partying. I lost track of Court at some point and just continued hanging out with all my friends. We were told that we would be going out to L.A. to record some tracks, see how things go. They were even signing us up to go on the Warped Tour for the summer. So we knew that we were going to be leaving soon.” I pause racking my hands through my hair, buying some time, I have never spoke about this last part to anyone.