My Heart Says Yes

by Ashley Blake

  I talked and talked, telling her all about him from the first time I met him until the last time I saw him. I didn’t give her any of the sex details, of course, but I made sure to get across how special and different I thought this relationship was.

  “Well, from what you’re telling me Emma, it sounds like he really cares for you. Now maybe he is the kind of person who retreats when they are under a lot of stress, a lot of people handle it that way. I think that you should give it some time and just wait to see if you hear from him. I know that’s not going to be easy but, trust me, I really think that you’ll hear from him again.”

  “You don’t think he was playing games with me?”

  My mom had a really sincere look on her face as her eyes searched mine. “No honey, I really don’t. Just wait and see, I’m sure you’re going to hear from him soon. And when you do, you both need to make sure that you are very open about the importance of communicating. If he is the type who handles stress by retreating, then he needs to be honest with you about that and hopefully the two of you can figure out a way to help him feel more comfortable opening up to you about how he’s feeling.”

  I had to admit, there was nothing like talking to my mom to make me feel better. She always comforted me and made me feel at ease when I was worried about something. Since I had opened up about how I felt about Caleb, I decided that I would talk to her more about my relationship with my dad. It had to change and I needed her help in getting him to recognize that we had a problem.

  “Mom, I really want to have a better relationship with dad and I don’t know where to start. I know we’ve talked about this and I really feel that he loves me a little less than the other girls. He may not mean to make me feel that way, but I do and I want things to get better between us. I think we should go see a therapist. What do you think?”

  I know my mom saw the hurt in my eyes and she put her hand on my shoulder. “Before you suggest a therapist to him, just talk to him Emma, tell him how you feel.”

  “I don’t want him to be upset with me.”

  “Honey, he won’t be upset with you, he loves you. But I think it will be good for both of you to talk.”

  “Okay, I’ll talk to him tomorrow since it’s kind of late right now.”

  “Okay honey. We have lunch plans at the club, and you’re welcome to join us.”

  The “club” was a small golf club so it wasn’t like my parents were going somewhere like the East Bank Club in Chicago. I didn’t really feel like making small talk with their friends so I told her that I would just see them when they came back home in the afternoon. I was exhausted so I told my mom that I was going to bed and I would see them in the morning. It felt really good to be back in my old bed and I think I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

  The next morning I slept in and stayed in bed for a while and thought about what my mom said about Caleb. I was hurt and I was pissed but most of all, I missed him. I wanted to be with him and no matter how I tried to forget about him I just couldn’t. I dragged myself out of bed a little while later because I could have wallowed in self pity all day and that wouldn’t be good for anyone. When I went downstairs for breakfast, my parents were already gone and they left a note for me letting me know that they would be back later that afternoon.

  I ran on the treadmill that we had in our workout room in the basement for a while to get out some of the stress that I was feeling. Afterwards I made myself breakfast and watched TV for a bit. It was a totally relaxing morning and it was exactly what I needed. I didn’t realize that I dozed off on the couch until I felt my mom shaking me awake.

  “Are you guys back already?” I was a little bit disoriented when I woke up and I sat up to clear my head. “What time is it?”

  “It’s almost 3:00. Your dad is in the study if you want to go talk to him.”

  “Do you think it’s a good time? Maybe daddy wants to relax for a little bit, I don’t want to cause any stress for him.”

  I started to tell my mom that maybe I would wait until the next time I came home to talk to him and then I stopped myself. There I go again, trying to keep everyone happy and not rocking the boat. But this was important to me, and my dad needed to know how I felt if we were ever going to have a better relationship, so I decided that I should go talk to him.

  “Emma, now is the perfect time because all he is doing is reading a book in the study. Go ahead, it will be okay." My mom gently encouraged me and it made me feel better so I took a deep breath, straightened my clothes and walked into the study to talk to my dad.

  “Daddy? Do you have a minute?”

  “What is it Emma?” He glanced up at me from his book and I thought I saw him look little bit annoyed. That right there is why we need therapy.

  “I’d like to talk to you about something.”

  He let out a heavy sigh and then told me to come on in. He put his book down and looked at me with a somewhat impatient look.

  I closed the door behind me and sat on the couch next to his chair so that we were facing each other. I held his gaze for a few seconds before I started.

  “Do you like me dad?”

  He looked shocked. “What?”

  “Do you like me? I know you love me because I’m your child, but what I want to know is if you like me. Because I don’t feel that you do.”

  “Emma, where is this coming from?”

  “Well, to be honest with you, it’s coming from years of interaction with you. I have never felt that you like me as much as you like the other girls.”

  “Honey, that’s just silly, of course I like you, I love you.” I could tell that he was trying to brush off the conversation but I wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily. I had wounds that were deep and I wanted them to heal and I needed for him to be real with me here.

  “Daddy, whenever I try to tell you something about what is going on in my life you never seem very interested. You rarely ask me any questions about what’s going on in my life and I think we need to talk to someone.” My heart was pounding waiting for his answer.

  That got his attention.

  “What do you mean you think we need to talk with someone?”

  “I think we need to see a professional so that we can hash out all of our issues. I don’t want our relationship to be like this for the rest of our lives dad, I want a better relationship with you.”

  He was silent for a few minutes and looked a little bit uncomfortable as he was thinking over what I had just said.

  “Emma, I’m trying to understand what you are saying. Exactly what issues do you think we have?”

  I took a deep breath because I could feel myself starting to get really annoyed. My dad was not being honest with either one of us in that moment. I looked at him trying to gauge where his head was.

  “Daddy, I am totally speaking from the heart here and I am not blowing anything out of proportion. I honestly feel that you would rather not have me around. I notice you looking at me sometimes and it’s not always a nice look that I see on your face. I know that Katie is your favorite and the twins are a close second. Sometimes I feel that you couldn’t care less what happens to me. And when I broke up with Jordan? I think that the real reason you were upset is because you wanted Jordan to take me off of your hands, and then the second reason after that is I think you were upset that we wouldn’t be meshing with his family.”

  My dad squirmed in his chair a little bit as I continued.

  “I know that his family has a lot of connections and I think you were caught up in what others would think, the kind of status it would give our family, over and above the status we already have, if Jordan and I got married. I don’t think that you were concerned with my happiness at all. Ever since I was a little girl, you never paid much attention to me. I know that I have always excelled in school and you didn’t think that I needed to hear how proud you were of me, but I did daddy, I still do. Just because I was smart and the work came easy, doesn’t mean that I don’t need to
hear that my father is proud of me. I don’t think you have ever said that to me, ever. Mom has, but I have never heard it from you.”

  My dad sat there stunned and then the strangest thing happened, I saw tears welling up in his eyes. That shocked me and I felt extremely uncomfortable because I don’t think I had ever seen my dad cry. His shoulders started to shake and he put his hand over his face as the tears spilled down his cheeks and I didn’t know what to do. After a few seconds, I reached out and put my hand on his knee.

  “Don’t cry daddy, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just wanted you to understand how I am feeling.”

  He cried for a couple of minutes and I got up to get him some tissues from his desk. He wiped his eyes and blew his nose and after a couple of minutes he composed himself and we were able to continue talking. He turned red eyes toward me and I could see the sadness there.

  “Emma, I had no idea that you were so hurt for all of these years.” He grabbed my hand and looked at me with sincerity. “First of all, I do care what happens to you. I would never want you to be hurt in any way and I would rather that I endure all of your pain so that you wouldn’t have to, than have you endure one second of pain. The fact that it has been me causing all of this pain for you, I can’t tell you how awful I feel about that. Second, about Jordan, the only reason I was upset is because I really thought that you loved him honey. I thought that by me telling you that you wouldn’t find someone like him again, that you would realize how you really felt about him and you would get back together with him. I said that only to help you avoid any kind of heartache honey.”

  He looked at me and then he looked down at the ground. “Emma, I am so sorry that I made that nasty comment about your looks, I never should have said that and I have no excuse for it. I think that you are beautiful honey and I always have, no matter what your size was. I have to admit that I was also a little bit upset about Jordan’s family not being our in-laws.” He quickly explained why. “But it’s not what you think. Mom is such good friends with Jordan’s mom, she was excited about being her sister-in-law. So I was upset for mom because she was let down. But that is no excuse for what I said to you and for the rest of my life I am going to have to live with what I said and how I hurt you.”

  He shifted in his chair and grabbed my other hand. “I have always been proud of you Emma, you’re my little girl, my first born. I’ve never been very expressive with my feelings and I should have told you how proud I am of you, because I am, honey. I am very proud of all that you have accomplished. And now you have moved to Chicago and I know you are going to be a huge success there. Emma, I guess I never worried about you because you have always been so smart and mature. Mom and I have always been able to rely on you because you have always been so responsible, even from the time you were a very little girl. I probably gave more attention to your sisters because they need it more than you do, or at least I thought they did. They are just not as strong as you Emma, they don’t have your confidence. So I guess I felt that they needed me more than you did and I could not have been more wrong. I feel just awful that you have been feeling like for all this time. Why didn’t you come to me sooner?”

  “I guess I thought if I said anything then you might not want to ever talk to me so I figured the little bit of interaction that we had would be better than none at all.”

  “Oh honey, that’s not true at all. I know that I wasn’t around a lot because I was working so much building the business and I can’t take that back. I wanted to make sure that I built something that would provide for all of you forever. But I want you to know that I do love you, and I am proud of you, and you can always come to me about anything. I promise you that I will ask you more about what is going on in your life, because I want to know that you’re happy. If you ever need anything, no matter the time, day or night, I will always be here for you. Also, I want you to know that I am more than happy to go to therapy with you. I will ask around and find a few people and give you the information and then you can decide who you feel most comfortable with us talking to.”

  I could not believe that we had had such an incredible breakthrough and I don’t know if I had ever been happier about something family related in my life. It was like a huge weight has been lifted off of me and a new chapter was going to begin in my relationship with my dad, and I was really looking forward to letting him get to know who Emma Blakely was. I reached out and gave him a big hug and I did not want to let go.

  “I love you dad, thank you so much for talking about this with me today, and thank you for agreeing to go to therapy with me.”

  My dad hugged me back and for the first time in my life I could feel that he loved me. “I love you too sweetheart.”

  My mom had tears in her eyes when I told her about the great talk that dad and I had. That night we rented a movie, made some popcorn and had a really good time, just the three of us. Although I would’ve liked for my sisters to be there, it was really nice to have such incredible quality time alone with my parents and I knew that this was a turning point in our relationship moving forward.

  Even with everything that was happening with Caleb, I could not have been in a better mood when I went back to Chicago the next day. My dad and I were on a new path and I was excited to see where it would take us.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  When I got home there was still no word from Caleb, no message for me on our answering machine and no emails. I really tried not to let it bother me but the more I thought about him the more pissed I got. What right did he have to treat me like this? The next time I see him I’m going to let him have it. I knew that I was bound to see him again because not only did we both know Rena, we both volunteered at the same center and I doubted he would quit volunteering at the center because he been there for so long, and he really loved the people there.

  I called Katie at school that night and told her about my talk with dad and how well it went.

  “Oh my gosh Emma, that is awesome! See, I told you that daddy loved you.”

  “I know Katie, but I really didn’t think that he liked me as a person. But we got everything out on the table and he even agreed to go to therapy with me which shocked me.”

  “I’m really happy that you guys were able to talk and get started on a better path. I can’t wait till we’re all home again because it’s going to be so much more awesome next time. Hey, have you heard from Caleb yet?”

  “No, but I’m not going to stress about it because I’m sure I will see him next weekend at the center. Caleb Morgan has no idea that I won’t tolerate being treated this way. I’ll definitely keep you posted on what happens with that.”

  We talked for a few more minutes and she told me about everything I was going on at school and which guy she was crushing on this week. She sounded happy and that is what was most important to me.

  When Kelly came home the next day from her boyfriend’s place, I filled her in on everything that happened with my dad and told her how he had agreed to go to therapy with me and she was so happy for me.

  “Emma, I really think this is going to be a huge turning point for you and your dad and I am so excited for you. I think you should really try to make an effort to talk to him regularly, maybe once a week or something like that.”

  “I plan to, and we both agreed that we need to talk more often.”

  “Things are looking up at home for you and things will look up here as well, you’ll see.”

  “I hope so Kel, because I really miss him.”

  One trait that I had always had, which I was extremely thankful for was that I was able to focus on the work that needed to get done no matter what personal turmoil I may have been experiencing at the time. So even though I was super bummed about Caleb, I did not let it affect the work that I had to do for school. The rest of that week I focused on a couple of papers that I needed to prepare for different classes, and Marta and I worked on our big project that was due at the end of the semester, so I had a few really late nights.
By the time Friday rolled around I was exhausted both physically from all of the late nights, and emotionally from my conversation with my dad, and I was ready for the weekend. I walked into my last class of the day and plopped down in my seat next to Marta.

  Marta turned to me. “You look exhausted.”

  “That is an understatement. I can’t wait until this class is over so that I can go home and crash in my bed.”

  “I hear you, I’m going to do the same thing.”

  I was really happy when our professor walked in because the sooner the class started, the sooner it would be over, and I was so ready for it to be over. He was looking through his papers and getting organized when my elbow knocked my pen off of the table. I bent down to pick it up and as I sat up my eyes glanced toward the door because I heard someone walking in, and my mouth suddenly went dry. Staring back at me were the gorgeous dark eyes that had me mesmerized since the first time I saw them. A small smile quickly spread across his face as his eyes captured mine, and then he turned his attention toward the rest of the class. What is Caleb doing here? And why is he smiling at me, is he kidding? I had nervous knots in my stomach as I watched him standing in front of all of us, tall and so gorgeous.

  Marta leaned over to whisper to me. “Hey, isn’t that the guy from the party a few weeks ago? He’s so hot!”

  She had no idea that Caleb and I had anything going on. I sat there stunned, unable to move, as I tried to process what he was doing in my classroom, and then I remembered that he told me that he had been a guest speaker at my school in the past. Our professor was talking so I had to snap out of my stupor and pay attention.

  “Okay guys, today our guest speaker is Caleb Morgan who is a graduate student at the Art Institute.”

  Caleb stood up and looked around at all of us. “Thank you Professor Jansen. As your professor stated I am a graduate student at the Art Institute, and I also will be opening an art gallery next summer to which all of you will receive a personal invitation. I think it is important for art and design students to get as much hands on experience as they can, so I hope I will see you all there. A little bit about my experience, I designed the layout and logo for this year’s information packet for your school and I have designed numerous campaigns for various clothing companies as well as painted many pieces that are on display throughout the city. I want to find out what you know, and I want to teach you what I know so that you will all be the best designers that you can possibly be. I am going to pack as much information as possible into the two hours that we will be together today.”