The One I Love to Hate

by Amanda Weaver

  “Um, thank you.” She drew in a deep breath. “Your opinion piece was good. Really, really good.” Fair was fair. His piece was brilliant. Refusing to acknowledge that had been petty and a little bitchy on her part.

  With the unusual compliments still hanging in the air, silence stretched out between them. Having a normal, nonhostile conversation with Alex Drake was uncharted territory. Having it alone in a dark bedroom with a bunch of beers clouding her judgment was almost too ludicrous to comprehend.

  “Peyton’s looking for you.” Ugh, why did she say that? Just like asking him about Chicago, the words just came flying out of her mouth, her alcohol-fuzzed brain unable to hold them back.

  Alex flinched. “Yeah, I know.”

  What did that mean? If he was hiding from Peyton, why had he asked her to stay? The room suddenly felt small and close and too quiet. Could he hear her heartbeat? It had taken off like a racehorse. A bubble of panic welled up in her throat, making it hard to breathe. When she could manage words, they spewed forth in a rushed jumble.

  “It’s really late I should probably go home now.”

  “You’re leaving?” He turned to face her again, the city glow casting the side of his face in extreme light and shadow. There was something new in his voice, a note of uncertainty. If she didn’t know any better, she’d have said he was nervous, but what the hell did Alex Drake ever have to be nervous about?

  “It’s a long subway ride back to my house.”

  Alex’s eyebrows furrowed. “You shouldn’t take the subway this late at night by yourself. Take a cab.”

  A bark of nervous laughter broke free. “Um, a cab to Brooklyn from here will cost me as much as my weekly Metro Card. No way.”

  His gaze drifted back to the window. “Right. Sorry. I didn’t think.”

  No, he probably never did think about stuff like that, because he didn’t have to. A moment later his eyes found hers again, but he said nothing. He just watched her with a steady intensity that set her nerves on edge.

  No, not nerves—butterflies.

  Those stupid butterflies, which refused to show their faces for Josh, were putting on a freaking party in her belly as she stood here staring at Alex.

  This was stupid. What was she doing here, staring up at him like some besotted fool, yet another member of the Alex Drake fan club? Tomorrow morning, she was going to be really embarrassed about this weird moment.

  She took a step back. “Okay, well—”

  “Jessica... Jess.”

  The low rumble of his voice, caressing that single syllable, stopped her retreat. He’d never called her that before, and she was glad, because it was lethal. That murmured name slithered down her spine like molten gold.

  “Yeah?”

  In the dark, without a sound, he leaned down and kissed her. And everything—the whole wide world—just stopped turning. Like gravity had released them all, and she was floating up while the stars outside were falling to the ground.

  A soft, warm press of his lips on hers, and then, at the end, a ghost of movement. It was just a slight caress, his lips gently urging hers apart, enough to let her breath escape into his mouth, and for his to land on her tongue, before he pulled back to look her in the eyes.

  The bewilderment she saw there mirrored her own. How could something so extraordinarily unexpected have felt so very perfect? “What...why did you do that?” And why did he stop? She liked it better back there, suspended in that moment, instead of here, blinking at each other in bafflement.

  “I wanted to,” he said simply. Such a brief, gentle kiss, and yet his breathing sounded like he’d just run a mile. Or maybe that was hers. Her lungs felt too tight to let any air in.

  “Are you drunk?” Please say no. The best kiss of her life should not be someone else’s drunken mistake.

  “A little.” He paused, licked his lips. “Are you?”

  “Maybe.” She was lying. Because “drunk” made this excusable, understandable...forgettable. Take away that excuse and all that was left was—oh, no.

  “Is that why you did it?” Her breathing stopped entirely as she stared into his eyes and waited for his answer. Nothing had ever felt so important as his next words.

  He took a deep breath while she still held hers. “No,” he said quietly, like he was telling her his darkest secret. “Is that why you let me?”

  Did she let him kiss her because she was drunk? No, because she wasn’t. He’d just laid himself on the line. Now it was up to her.

  His face was too close to hers to allow her to see the whole thing, to read his expression. There were just his eyes, looking into hers, and his mouth, still just inches away from hers. The heat of it, the electricity, still tingled on her lips.

  Heart pounding, she stared back at him, digging through the tangled jumble of her emotions to sort out what she wanted. But of course it was right there, once she allowed herself to acknowledge it. She’d always wanted him, from the minute she’d laid eyes on him. She wanted to kiss him again, then again, then never stop kissing him.

  Her voice was barely a whisper when she answered him. “No, that’s not why. I wanted you to k—”

  The rest was lost under his lips, because they were kissing again—seriously kissing—open mouths and stroking tongues and mingling breaths. Wow, Alex could kiss. Really kiss. One hand came up to her face, fingertips just barely touching her skin, while the other landed firmly on her waist, turning her until her back was to the window. Cold glass pressed against her back as the solid warmth of Alex’s body pressed into her from the front. He leaned in just enough to tease her with his weight, making her imagine lying down, with the hard, gorgeous length of him pressing her into the bed and...oh. Her fingers curled into his biceps as lust pooled in her stomach. She sighed into his mouth.

  His hand slid around her back, pulling her away from the glass and into his chest—his broad, perfect chest. She stumbled into him and he stepped back to catch her. Then they were moving together across the room, an awkward dance as he bent low over her to kiss her. The bed loomed up behind him, a hulking shape in the dark. She wanted to tumble down onto that bed with him and not stop until they were both naked.

  Swaying to a stop beside it, he held her steady as they kissed again, then again. She was the one to tip backward onto the silk duvet, pulling him down with her. The softness of the expensive, plush mattress cradled her as Alex pressed down on her from above. Somehow her legs found their way to either side of his. Lost in his endless kisses, before she knew it, they were grinding on each other, hips against hips.

  “We can’t do this here,” she murmured.

  He kissed the side of her neck and exhaled, his hot breath rifling through her hair and making her nipples go hard. “I know.”

  “Someone could come in—” His kiss silenced her, his tongue making her momentarily forget the reasons they should be stopping.

  “Let me get a cab and take you home,” he murmured between kisses. His fingers slipped up under the edge of her shirt, skimming across the sensitive skin of her stomach, making her tremble. “Let me take you home, Jess.”

  She’d heard that nickname every day of her life, but it sounded so different when Alex whispered it in the dark—soft, sexy, intimate.

  It was Saturday night, which meant Dad and Gemma would be tied up at the bar until last call at three a.m., and then probably another hour for cleanup and closing. Livie was away at college. The rambling, shabby family town house in Carroll Gardens was empty right now, and would be for hours. If she let Alex take her home, they’d be all alone there. There was little doubt what would happen next.

  “I have to find Lina first.”

  Alex reared back and licked his lips—licked the taste of her off them. Desire curled in her stomach like a fist. If there wasn’t a good chance of someone walking in on them at any moment, she’d strip his clothes off hi
m right here and right now and keep going.

  But Lina was her best friend. She was somewhere in this party, mixed up with a truly lousy guy. Her conscience demanded that she check in with Lina one more time before abandoning her to her dubious choice.

  “I gotta talk to someone, too,” he muttered grimly.

  Peyton. He was going to ditch Peyton and leave with Jess. Oh, God, she’d just nodded yes. She was leaving this party with Alex Drake, taking him home with her. What was happening right now? No, don’t think too much about it. If she stopped to think, it might all end, and whatever else happened, she did not want this to end.

  “See you in a minute,” she whispered, slipping out from underneath him. Alex let out a frustrated groan as he rolled away from her. His fingers dragged across her belly as she sat up. She felt it between her legs, a hot, heavy pressure. She staggered to her feet, keeping her eyes averted. If she looked back at him, she’d never leave.

  Outside, the hallway seemed too bright, too loud, after the soft, cocooning darkness of the bedroom. Reality rushed back in like a wave, and she had to touch her lips, still tingling and slightly swollen, to remind herself that it had been real. Alex had just kissed her, touched her, set her on fire. And he was going to do it again before the night was over.

  She pushed her way through the overcrowded living room, looking for Lina. No one she asked had seen her in ages. After an endless circuit of the room, and then the kitchen and dining room as well, she still hadn’t located her. That left just the bedrooms on the other side of the apartment.

  The hallway was unlit and quiet. The first door on the left wasn’t quite closed. She’d grasped the handle and was about to step inside when she heard voices.

  “I just don’t understand what you were doing in there with her.”

  Jess froze. Peyton. And for once, all that languid boredom had vanished from her voice. Had she seen Alex leaving the bedroom after her?

  “Come on, Peyton, leave it alone.” Alex sounded dismissive, bored, not a hint of the breathless urgency she’d heard a few minutes ago when he’d begged her to let him take her home. It was like he was a different person.

  “Alex, I’m trying to look out for you. As a friend. She’s an absolute nightmare. The worst kind of self-righteous, crusading do-gooder.”

  Heat flared in Jess’s cheeks as she listened to Peyton diss her. But who cared? Let her say what she wanted. She was about to be shocked into silence anyway when Alex told her what had just happened.

  “Peyton, it’s nothing—”

  Nothing? Unease prickled along Jess’s skin.

  “You can’t trust her, you know. She’s such a little hypocrite, wearing that outer-borough working-class thing on her sleeve while she chases after the richest guy at DeWitt. It’s really so transparent—”

  “Peyton, knock it off!” Alex snapped. “I was just messing around. It’s a little fun, that’s all.”

  Fun? It hadn’t felt fun a minute ago. It had felt urgent, passionate, intense...

  Peyton shifted gears, letting out a trill of laughter. “Oh, it’s a joke. Why didn’t you say so?”

  There was a rustle of fabric, as if she was brushing up against him. Jess bit her lip, not breathing, waiting for Alex’s reply.

  “Sure,” he said flippantly. “A joke. She’s so easy to wind up. I was just having some fun with her.”

  The roar in Jess’s ears was so loud, she almost missed Peyton’s low purr. “Alex, you know I love it when you drop the Boy Scout routine and let your wicked side show. Now, are you taking me home or not?”

  Her face burned and her eyes pricked with tears. She’d heard more than enough. Time to find Lina and get the hell out of here.

  How could she have been so stupid? Of course Alex Drake wasn’t into her. Well, he’d have slept with her if she gave him the opportunity. And she’d given him plenty of opportunity.

  But when she imagined the next day, she felt sick with humiliation. He’d give her that smug, knowing smirk as he and Peyton laughed at her foolishness—how hilarious, Jessica Romano thinking she had a shot at someone like Alex Drake. Thank God she hadn’t done it. She’d never have lived it down.

  Lina. She had to find Lina and get the hell out of here before he came back out to the party. Facing him—facing both of them—would be unbearable.

  “Oof!” She’d been so distracted, pushing her way through the crowd, that she’d run right into someone again.

  “Hey, there you are! You disappeared!”

  “Josh. Sorry, I was...um...”

  Josh lightly held her shoulders and crouched down to look her in the eye. “Is everything okay? You seem upset.”

  He was so, so nice. Why couldn’t it have been him that let loose those butterflies? Why hadn’t he been the one to press her against the window and kiss her until she forgot to breathe? Why couldn’t Josh be the one she wanted to take home?

  She hated Alex Drake for making her feel this way, for making her want him when he was clearly never meant for her. She might not ever give him the satisfaction of acknowledging what had just happened, but she would hate him for the rest of her life for it.

  “Nothing’s wrong,” she muttered, desperately trying to rein in the emotions Alex had sparked tonight. There was no place for them. She’d burn them down, stomp them flat, bury them deep, then forget all about them. He was dead to her.

  “Were you looking for Lina?” Josh asked. His thumbs gently caressed the curves of her shoulders. Nothing. No tingling skin, no flush of arousal.

  Over Josh’s shoulder, she saw Peyton slipping back into the room, an indolent smile on her face as she towed Alex after her. Look at the two of them together. That’s where Alex Drake belonged, and she was a fool for thinking otherwise.

  Nausea roiled through her as his gaze met hers. Peyton turned back to him, saying something over her shoulder. He answered her without looking, his eyes still on Jess. Was he waiting for a reaction from her? Some hopeful smile from her that he could mock? That was never going to happen. She might not have his money or his privilege, but she’d be damned if she’d let him make a fool of her.

  She tore her eyes away from Alex and looked back to Josh. Fine. He wanted to watch her? Let him watch this.

  Forcing her mouth into a brittle smile that almost hurt, she reached out and curled her hand around the back of Josh’s neck, her fingers sliding into his gold curls.

  “I wasn’t looking for Lina,” she murmured. “I was looking for you.”

  For a split second, she saw Josh’s eyes go wide with surprise as she pulled his face down to hers. Then she closed her eyes, blotting out everything and everyone, as she kissed him. She might as well have been kissing that vase over on the table, for all the resemblance this held to what she’d done with Alex a few minutes ago. But that didn’t matter, because what happened with Alex was never, ever happening again.

  When she came up for air a minute later, Josh was smiling at her like she was the sun, moon, and stars combined, and Alex was gone.

  Chapter Six

  Present Day

  “They’re coming over here.” Lina’s voice snapped Jess out of that unpleasant trip down memory lane. By the time Alex and Chase reached them, she’d schooled her face into impassivity. She’d never breathed a word of what happened in that bedroom, not to Lina or anyone else. She wasn’t about to change that now. It was still too humiliating to even think about.

  “I don’t see you for a year and a half and now twice in one day,” Alex said. The words were casual, as was his stance, one hand stuffed in the pocket of his pants, but there was an edge to his voice and a spark in his eyes that she didn’t trust. He took a sip of his scotch, never taking his gaze from hers. Scotch, still. Alex had always been weirdly anachronistic. He wore a vintage wristwatch with a leather band when everybody else their age just used their phone to check the time. He d
rank aged scotch when all the other college students had swilled beer from Solo cups. On anybody else, it would have been a pretentious affectation, but on Alex, it just worked, like he’d been born forty and fused to a leather club chair.

  “Josh invited us.” She tossed the words out like a challenge.

  “Right. Your old friend Josh.”

  It almost—but not quite—felt like a dig. If she called him on it, he’d deny it, pretending nothing had ever occurred between them. For all she knew, he didn’t even remember it. It was years ago, he’d been drinking, and by his own admission, it had meant nothing to him. She was an idiot for thinking he might be bothered.

  “Lina, nice to see you again.” Chase didn’t even try to hide the once-over he gave Lina. She gave him a glacial smile in return. “So I’m sure you’ve heard, I’m working with Alex at ClickNews now.”

  “Hmm. I think someone did mention that.”

  Her pointed lack of a congratulations hovered in the middle of the conversation. Any normal person would be aware of the awkwardness of the exchange and change the subject, but Chase had never been sensitive to other people.

  “Yeah, it’s awesome, being in on an organization like this right as it’s going viral. ClickNews is changing the face of journalism. We’re going to put the final nail in the coffin of print media, right, buddy?” He slapped Alex on the back, full of bro camaraderie.

  Surely that thunk made by Jess’s and Lina’s jaws hitting the floor was audible, right? Had Alex not told Chase where they worked or did Chase simply not care? Or maybe Alex was gloating about destroying print media, too.

  “Well!” Jess said brightly. “I guess me and Lina and everybody else at the Brooklyn Daily Post should be dusting off our resumes, huh? Maybe Starbucks is hiring.”

  Chase managed to look mildly chagrined. “Hey, I didn’t mean—”