My Clarity

by M. Clarke

  Chapter 24

  Elijah

  Whiteboard:

  I cleaned the bathroom

  since you vacuumed.

  -Alex

  Unable to sleep on my bed, I decided to lay on the sofa, hoping I could fall asleep there. I was thinking about Alex and what I could do to distance myself from her. I knew that I was probably the cause of her fights with Liam, which wasn’t right, even though I couldn’t stand the dick. I had to do something about the situation since I could never give Alex what she needed and wanted.

  When I saw a light from the kitchen, I tossed my blanket aside and headed in that direction to see if Alex needed anything. Whoa! I was surprised to see her wearing nothing but her panties and a plain white T-shirt. Hot damn! She was beautiful.

  I didn’t mean to scare her. In fact, I didn’t say a word. I was going to walk away¸ but when I saw that she was half-naked, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The fridge door hadn’t closed all the way, so there was just enough light for me to get a clear view. When Alex jumped and screamed, the milk carton went flying and the milk spilled all over her, from her chest to her toes, pooling around her.

  Her shirt was soaked and I could see her hardened nipples through it. The sight of her had my dick stirring in my boxers. I was going to have this image burned in my mind forever, and I know that I’ll be dreaming of this moment for a long time to come. I grabbed the kitchen towel and reached out to hand it to her. Looking horrified and embarrassed, she slipped on the puddle of milk when she moved away from me.

  Trying to stop her from falling, I slipped myself. It happened so fast, I didn’t even know how we both landed on the floor with me on top of her, the same positions we were in on the ice. Only this time we were wet from the milk that was all over the floor.

  My left hand was supporting her neck while my other hand had a mind of its own, and so did my dick. It did not help that I was only wearing my boxers.

  “Alex, are you okay?” I whispered in her ear breathlessly, feeling my heart pound rapidly against my chest. It took every ounce of my willpower not to bury myself deep inside her, but I couldn’t stop myself from rubbing my hand in a circular motion on the side of her breast.

  “Yes,” she breathed softly. Her breath quickened as she lay stiffly, and she did not make a move to get up. Her eyes bore into mine in surprise and something I couldn’t describe, but I was pretty sure it was the same look I was giving her. The look that screamed…I WANT YOU NOW!

  What possessed me to do what I did next was beyond my control. I had totally lost all of my willpower. Being in this position and with no one around, I let my selfish need for her take over. The need I had the minute I laid my eyes on her. I wanted her and I was going to have her.

  “Alex,” I murmured. “I’m going to taste you now.”

  I didn’t let her respond. After I heard what sounded like a whimper, I sucked on the wet spot on her neck that was splattered with milk. That was just the beginning. I couldn’t stop there. While I licked my way down, my hand slipped underneath her T-shirt and headed toward her breast. She arched her back and let out a sexy little moan that made me even more excited.

  After pulling up her T-shirt to expose her breast, my tongue circled around it, and I sucked and teased her nipple until she felt the need to take a fist full of my hair. I knew I was driving her insane. Thinking she would push away and knowing I should end this before it went too far, I started to slow down. But when Alex started to spread her legs open for me—Holy shit! There was no way in hell I could control it now.

  “We shouldn’t,” she groaned. “But don’t stop.”

  That was all the confirmation I needed. I crushed my lips on hers hard from all the sexual tension that had built up for so long. I slid my hands underneath that fine ass of hers and teasingly rocked on top of her, obviously giving her what she wanted.

  Alex moaned louder, putting me over the edge. I was desperately trying to control my urge. Everything about this felt so right and yet so wrong. I had to stop. I knew she would let me have her and if we gave into temptation tonight, we would both be screwed. There wasn’t going to be an “us” after this. I couldn’t give her the good things in life she deserved.

  Alexandria

  I dreamt about this several times, but I never knew Elijah would feel this good. When his mouth was over my nipple, I had utterly left all reality behind and floated blissfully away. When his lips were on mine, every single nerve in my body jolted, awakening me. I couldn’t understand why his touch excited me more than Liam ever could. Maybe because I knew Elijah was off limits or because I got a taste of what so many women wanted. Maybe it was the way he was caressing me with such need and passion.

  I knew Elijah was slowing down and was probably thinking that this wasn’t a good idea, but it didn’t stop him when I moaned louder. When he pressed down on me, I nearly exploded. My body temperature changed drastically and I stopped shivering from the cold milk. Having his hard body over mine, I completely came unglued. I withered under him and allowed myself to be taken. Surrendering to him, I didn’t care what tomorrow would bring. I just wanted this moment with him, but at the same time, I had a feeling we were making a mistake.

  Elijah suddenly stopped and let out a heavy breath. “Alex, what are we doing?” We can’t. You know how this will end up.” He had finally let go.

  The truth was, he was right. I had let my desire and want take over. The fact that I was a virgin was another reason to stop, even though Elijah had no clue.

  I didn’t know how to answer his question as I continued to stare at his sexy smile and enjoy his hand caressing my cheeks. “Eli…jah,” I hesitated, not sure how much I should tell him. “I’m not really that…what I mean to say is I’m not….” I was really making a mess of this, but how do you tell a guy you’re a virgin? I sucked in a deep breath. Here it goes. “I’m a virgin,” I blurted before I could change my mind.

  Elijah nodded, looking at me blankly. Suddenly, I was lifted off the ground. He carried me to the bathroom and turned on the water.

  “Take a shower,” he directed, unable to look me in the eyes. “I’ll clean the kitchen.”

  His tone told me that what happened between us would never happen again. Apparently, it didn’t mean much to him. Whether one of us would end up moving out because of this, I didn’t know.

  Chapter 25

  Elijah

  I slept in as long as I could, purposely avoiding Alex after what happened last night. My mind kept on racing, thinking about how good she felt in my arms, but at the same time wondering how I had let it go that far. Now knowing she’s a virgin, I’m glad I stopped. Since it was Saturday, I knew Alex had gone to work. Stretching and yawning, I went to the kitchen to get something to eat. My heart softened when I saw a plate covered with clear plastic wrap and the note on the white board.

  Elijah,

  Hope you win this race.

  Please be careful.

  I made this breakfast for you.

  Liam is coming over to talk.

  P.S. Don’t dunk your pancake in a glass of milk.

  It will fall apart. I know you want to. Lol!

  -Alex

  Laughing aloud at her words, I lifted the cover. I let out a quick chuckle to see a racecar-shaped pancake. Cute! How could I eat this? I was starving, so I did anyway. Enjoying every bite, I saw Alex’s smile in my mind, but I couldn’t help the pain in my heart thinking of her back with that asshole. He wasn’t good enough to be in the same room with her. I guess last night meant nothing to her. That hurt more than I wanted it to. It didn’t matter. None of this would be any good for either one of us.

  I guess it was a good thing she wouldn’t be at the race. At least she wouldn’t be a distraction for me. I would constantly worry about her if she were there. Little did she know that I had told Lexy not to bring her. It was one of the most dangerous sites and the crowds were going to be worse than the last ones. It wasn’t safe for any audience, but unfortuna
tely, more people meant more money for me.

  After I ate the pancake, I drank a glass of juice and washed the dishes. I headed to my room where I saw a gift bag with my name on it. How did I miss that?

  Elijah,

  Happy belated Birthday!

  Everyone needs a home, even pictures.

  Hope you like them.

  -Alex XO

  The two picture frames were simple, just like how I like things. They each had a black border around them and that was all. My friends and I didn’t exchange birthday presents, so it had been a while since I received one. Not only was I very touched by her gesture, I felt like crap about last night. I wished she could be mine.

  Alexandria

  “So you and Liam made up for the one hundredth time?” Lexy asked, leaning against the counter. It was so slow today. All we did was talk. Occasionally, my mind drifted off to last night and I could still feel the heat lingering from Elijah’s touch. I wanted to tell Lexy what had happened mostly out of guilt, but knowing nothing good would come out of me telling her, I decided to keep that topic to myself. The fact that it would never happen again was another reason.

  I frowned at her. She was right. Liam and I had been fighting more and more since I moved away to college. “To tell you the truth, I told him to come over so I can tell him in person that it’s over. I just need the courage to do it. My feelings for him have changed. Maybe we’re both changing. It’s also this long distance relationship. It’s difficult and he doesn’t like that I’m living with Elijah.” Talking it over with Lexy helped me sort my thoughts.

  “Can you blame him?” Lexy said quickly. “I mean, would you want Liam living with a hot looking girl?”

  Once upon a time I would’ve cared, but I didn’t anymore. And how do I even know he wasn’t with other girls? Who knew what he was doing? He was the one that had the car. He never invited me to his place. “I guess not. He wants me to meet his parents during Christmas vacation.”

  “Wow…that’s pretty serious.”

  “I’m not going to. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s older, but I feel like I don’t have a say in the relationship sometimes. It’s like I need to accommodate his needs and his wants before mine. Am I being selfish?”

  “Of course not. Relationships should be give and take.”

  “He wanted me to spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve with him, which is fine, but what about my family? What about getting to know my friends?”

  “Did you talk to him about this?”

  “Yes, but he always gets his way.”

  “Hmmm…acting like a true lawyer already. Didn’t you say he wants to go to law school?”

  “Yup.”

  “You should have done what always works. If he’s not giving in, then don’t put out.” Lexy’s face was so serious; I thought she was joking at first.

  “Does that work?” I only asked since I didn’t feel like telling Lexy that I was a virgin.

  “Hell yes. All guys ever think about is sex.”

  I let out a chuckle. “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

  “I was going to go home, but I may just stick around and go home during Christmas break instead. It’s costly to fly to New York. I might as well go for a week instead of a weekend.”

  “How about Elijah? Does he have any relatives nearby?”

  “Why don’t you ask him?”

  I looked away. “Sometimes, he can be so complicated. I don’t know if he likes me. I mean…like a friend.” Oh God! I didn’t even know what the heck we were after last night.

  “Elijah is complicated, but he has a huge heart. He cares too much, but at the same time, he tries not to show it. For example, he doesn’t want you at the race tonight.” Lexy stiffened. “Shoot. Please don’t tell him I said anything, okay?”

  “He doesn’t want me to go?” I don’t know why, but that hurt my feelings. I wished I hadn’t made him that racecar-shaped pancake. What the hell was I thinking? Feeling bad for causing a fight between Nolan and him, it was my way of apologizing for everything, including last night.

  “Don’t take it the wrong way. The crowd will be worse tonight and even I’m not going. It’s not a safe place to be. And Liam is coming over to see you right?”

  “Yeah, if he doesn’t cancel. I wouldn’t blame him. The drive is really long. I want him to come over so I can let him go. I don’t feel right doing it over the phone or in a text.”

  “Wow, you are seriously going to break up with him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, it happens. You grow, you make mistakes, and you change. You also see things in a different light. Not only will you make a lot of mistakes with your first, he will also be the hardest to let go. That being said, if you’re sure he’s not the one, then let him go. You have yet to meet your Mr. Right, the one who was meant for you.”

  Letting Lexy’s words of wisdom soak in, I knew she was right, but it was easier said than done. Letting go of someone was always difficult. It’s as if they took a piece of you with them and you couldn’t get it back.

  “When will you know if Liam is coming?” Lexy asked.

  My phone vibrated in the back pocket of my jeans. “You must be a psychic.” Taking it out, I read the text from Liam. “He’s not coming,” I grumbled.

  Lexy gave me a sympathetic smile. “Let’s go out, just the two of us. What do you say?” Lexy must have seen the disappointed expression on my face.

  “Sure.” Then I had an idea. “Have you ever baked a turkey?”

  Lexy grimaced. “Are you kidding? I can’t even stand to touch one.”

  After letting out a small chuckle, I suggested, “Since you’re not going home for Thanksgiving, how about I roast a turkey?”

  “You know how?” Her mouth opened wide in surprise.

  “Yes. I’ll ask my friend, Emma, to help me.”

  “You’re not going home?”

  “No,” I said wearily, texting Emma to ask her to come for Thanksgiving. “It’s the first Thanksgiving without my dad. I don’t want to spend it with my mom and my stepdad. I’d rather spend it with my friends.”

  “Girl, I will help you with everything else but the turkey.”

  “Deal.”

  Chapter 26

  Alexandria

  Lexy drove me to another place after dinner when she got a text from Seth, letting her know where they were going to celebrate Elijah’s win.

  “Are you sure I should be there?” I asked worriedly. After last night, I knew we were trying to avoid each other, but I guess now would be as good a time as any to face him. Having friends around would help me, like what happened between us was no big deal. It obviously meant nothing to him.

  “Why not?” Lexy gave me a strange look.

  “Elijah didn’t invite me and he didn’t want me at the race.”

  “I already told you why. Don’t be ridiculous. He’s just your roommate.” Lexy tugged me inside.

  The air was filled with music and excitement as we walked in, and seeing all the people I recognized was comforting.

  “Lexy, it’s good to see you,” a plump lady said, pulling Lexy into her arms.

  “Mama Rose,” Lexy squealed, returning the hug. “This is Alex.”

  “So this is Alex. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” She gave me the same tight squeeze.

  “Thank you,” I smiled, unsure what to call her. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

  “Mama Rose is Seth’s mom,” Lexy explained. “She’s the owner of this restaurant.”

  Seth had his mom’s green eyes and similar facial structure. “Seth’s mom,” I repeated.

  “You girls here to party with the boys and all those girls?” She gestured with a nod of her head.

  All of those girls? Surely she didn’t mean…oh yes, she did. I’ve never seen so many girls at any of their parties before.

  “If Elijah keeps winning races like that, he’s going to have a line of girls at his doorstep. He’ll be famous like a rock s
tar. Shoot, if I was younger, I would be first in line.”

  Lexy and I snapped our eyes at each other. We started to laugh, but we held back the loud cackle that wanted to burst out of our mouths.

  “It’s true,” she continued. “I may be old, but I have eyes.”

  Looking through the crowd, I saw Elijah standing with a bottle of beer in his hand. With his signature leather jacket on, he leaned back against the wall, looking cool and collected. His lips deliciously curled into a sexy, irresistibly wicked grin. He was thoroughly enjoying himself.

  Blood had drained out of me and an icy chill suddenly shivered through me from seeing all those girls’ hands on him. I knew girls were attracted to him, but why did it bother me this much? There was a sting in my heart, and it got worse when he kissed one of them. I had no idea who they all were. I didn’t remember ever seeing them before on campus. Knowing last night meant nothing to him for sure now, I pretended, too, but I couldn’t help the tears collecting in my eyes or the pain in my heart.

  “Alex, let’s go.” Lexy broke me out of my trance.

  The closer we got to them, the harder my heart pounded against my chest. The room suddenly felt small and it was difficult to breathe. I needed air. What I needed to do was to pull myself together. What made this worse was that he didn’t even acknowledge me. He had to have seen me. There was no way anyone could have missed Dean’s greeting.

  “Lexy. Alex!” Dean slurred his words. He was thoroughly wasted. When he draped his arms around us, I got a good whiff of his breath. “You missed a good face…no.” He shook his head. “Pace. No. Race.” He laughed at his own words and so did we. “He almost boom….twash…no…cwash.”

  I flashed my eyes at Elijah. The thought that he could have been injured made me feel sick. I could vividly picture his car smashed, or even worse, tumbling into the crowd, killing some spectators. At that moment, I caught his eyes, but he turned away so fast I knew for sure he was purposely ignoring me.