My Clarity

by M. Clarke

  I tried to snub him as best as I could, but I couldn’t help my curious eyes shifting to him, wondering what he was doing. I knew I had seen enough when his hands and lips were on another girl.

  For the first time, I felt like I didn’t belong here. Everyone at our table was chatting away and I sat there listening. Lexy was sweet for bringing me, but I should have gone with my gut and gone home instead. No! It was good thing I saw Elijah with another girl. He never did care for me in that way, and whatever fantasy or whatever thought I had about the possibility that maybe…just maybe…there could be something between us was gone. He killed it big time. My heart ached mercilessly and I was tearing up.

  Tonight, he validated why I didn’t date someone like him. He validated that what I wanted was someone stable, who knew what he wanted. Sure, Liam may be domineering at times, but at least I knew he loved me, didn’t he? Even then I wasn’t sure. Not that I was thinking of working things out with him. To me, we had broken up already. To hell with guys!

  Why did my heart ache so much? Had I fallen for Elijah? What was wrong with me? I could never date anyone who smoked, that looked dangerous, and especially not someone who raced for a living. Oh God! I needed to snap out of it.

  Feeling the dagger twist deeper and not wanting to be in the same room with Elijah, I texted Lexy, who had excused herself to the restroom. I wrote that I was catching a ride home. Turning around one last time, I noted Elijah was gone. That only meant one thing and I felt disgusted at myself for being this jealous…for letting it get this far…for letting it get to me.

  Since our condo wasn’t that far, I flung my purse over my shoulder and walked out the door. The sting from the cold breeze awakened me as I ran. I could see the mist puffing out of my mouth with every ragged breath I took. When I got home, I saw all the lights were on. I heard the muffled sounds from his room, and I knew Elijah had brought his date home. He was breaking my heart everywhere I turned tonight.

  I suddenly recalled Lexy’s words, when she told me if Elijah brought home too many girls and I couldn’t stand it, I could sleep at her place. Then I remembered Cynthia, who had asked me in class if Elijah brought home a new girl every night. There was a reason my friends had said these things. I found out tonight that Elijah was a big time player. He had been hiding it from me. I felt like a huge fool for almost falling into his trap.

  Elijah knew how to weasel his way into a girl’s heart. Everything about him screamed trouble, but how could a girl ignore his charm, his charisma, his…everything? Wanting to prove that he had no effect on me, I went to the bathroom and made my appearance known by flushing the toilet, taking a shower, and making loud banging noises with the cabinets. There was no way he could miss me now.

  After I got into bed, I texted Lexy again to let her know I was home safe. I also saw Emma’s text letting me know she was coming down early to help me bake the turkey. I was just about to tell her not to bother, when I changed my mind, thinking about how excited Lexy was. Why did I open my big fat mouth?

  It was difficult to sleep when all I could think about was what they were doing in his room. Now that I had a taste of Elijah, I could imagine what he was doing to her. I was just another girl that didn’t make it on the one-night stand list. I meant nothing to him and apparently, our friendship meant nothing, either. At that moment, I hated him. Anger, frustration, confusion, love, lust, want, need, and sadness were all mixed up, jumbled into one messed up me. I never felt so many emotions all at once.

  Putting a pillow over my head so I couldn’t hear them, unexpected tears fell. They were tears for missing my dad, and tears because I didn’t want to fall for Elijah, but I knew deep down inside, I already had. I would fight this feeling with everything I had and be strong, because I had a wake-up call tonight.

  Elijah

  I almost freakin’ crashed the car. Death looked me right in my face, but it let me go. I was almost certain the car had been tampered with, and my only suspect was no doubt, Nolan. But holy shit! I had never been afraid of dying before, and I knew something had changed in me. I needed a reality check or more like an “Elijah doesn’t give a fuck” check. That was the attitude I was used to.

  Street racing was dangerous. I was willing to risk my life for fast cash. It was easy. Desperate measures meant desperate calls. If I died in the process, I didn’t care, but a part of me did tonight. That scared me more than dying.

  Seeing Alex tonight made me feel guilty for racing. She was like the angel on my shoulder who was shaking her head, telling me that this was not the way. I knew it wasn’t, but it would have to be for now.

  I assumed she was with Liam tonight, but when I saw her walking in with Lexy, my heart not only jumped out of my chest for her, but there was an ache I didn’t want to feel. It was raw pain, deeper than the ocean; a pain I hadn’t felt in a long time. And I knew what I had to do.

  Being surrounded by girls was something I was used to, but being surrounded by them and not flirting back was not. When Diane had her hands all over me, I responded by kissing her. I’d never kissed a girl in front of Alex before and I had no idea why. She was the one who was with someone. Why would she care and why would it matter to her?

  Ever since she entered my life, I was adapting for her. I stopped bringing girls home, except for that one time. I said no to having parties at my place since I had to share with Alex. I even made sure to clean up after myself and to keep our place clean. This was not what I was used to doing. Not wanting to smoke in front of her caused me to smoke less. It also made me feel uncomfortable, since her father had died of lung cancer and it would remind her of that. I had even stopped flirting with all those girls that threw themselves at me.

  I had become someone else. What was next? But I did it for her. My worries, my anger, and even the loss of my family was forgotten when she was around. I swear she would be the destruction of me.

  I could tell Alex was trying not to look, but I could also tell she was curious at who I had in my arms. A part of me felt good that she bothered to look, but when she turned away, I felt like an asshole. Why should I care? She was the one that was taken, not me. I was playing games and I would play even harder tonight, just so that whatever she thought she felt for me would be gone completely. I wanted her to be disgusted with me so it would be easier for me to move on.

  I took Tracy home with me since Diane was wasted. Yup, that should do it. Whatever feeling Alex had for me was out the door tonight. It was better this way.

  Chapter 27

  Alexandria

  Whiteboard:

  My friend is coming over today.

  She will be spending the night.

  I will be sleeping on the sofa.

  -Alex

  The best thing to do was pretend it never happened. That is what I did for the next couple of weeks. I went to work, went to my classes, and did my own thing. I even started looking at “roommates wanted” ads. Elijah was out most of the time, too.

  I did jot on the white board that I was making a turkey dinner several days ago, and that Seth, Lexy, and Dean would be here for Thanksgiving. I didn’t know if he saw the note or not, but at this point, I didn’t care. That whiteboard was his idea and if he didn’t bother to look at it, then it was his problem. Whether he chose to be here or not would be his decision.

  Liam texted me to let me know he wasn’t going home for Thanksgiving. I asked him if he wanted to come just to see what he would say, but he opted out, knowing it would mean being with my group of friends. If there was any doubt in my mind about breaking up with Liam, he just gave me one more reason to do so. I don’t know what I would have said if he had agreed, but I couldn’t wait for Christmas break so I could finalize our breakup. I also couldn’t wait to see Emma. When the doorbell rang, I ran knowing who it was.

  “Emma,” I cheered as I opened the door. But it wasn’t her. The girl who stood before me was someone I had never seen before. She was tall and beautiful with long dark hair. The look she gav
e me summed up her personality. She was not to be messed with.

  “Who are you?” she asked. Her tone was not sweet. In fact, it was more like how dare I be there.

  “I’m Alex, Elijah’s roommate. Can I help you?”

  “Can you tell Elijah that I came by?”

  “Who should I say stopped by?”

  “Clara,” she replied quickly and left.

  Clara…why did that name ring a bell? Then it came to me. Lexy’s brief discussion about how Clara was Elijah’s disaster and the initials on his tattoo. C-L-A-R. The missing letter must be A.

  Almost immediately after I went back inside, the doorbell rang again. This time I was careful to check and I was rewarded with the sight of my friend.

  “Emma,” I squealed. She grew out her auburn hair and she looked cute in her jeans and striped sweater.

  “Alex.” She threw herself at me and I happily held her tightly as the tears of missing her came crashing through. She was my comfort, my warmth, and my home.

  Wiping any evidence of the tears I had, I welcomed her in. “So…what do you think of my place?”

  Dropping her bag, she glanced around. “It’s cozy, just enough furniture, nothing fancy. For a place with two girls, you sure didn’t decorate this place the way you and I would have.” Emma curled her lips and lifted her brows. “I’m just giving you a hard time ‘cause I’m jealous.” She nudged me, breaking me out of my thoughts, wondering if Elijah would be home tonight. “Did you remember to defrost the turkey?”

  “Yeah, I got your text. Follow me. I’ll show you to my room. I’ll sleep on the sofa.” Emma trailed behind me.

  “You don’t need to sleep on the sofa.” Emma gave me that pity eye look.

  “Of course I do. You’re my guest. It’s too bad I don’t have a bigger bed. Hey, I didn’t make anything for dinner, so I thought I could take you out and show you the campus.”

  Emma didn’t answer, her eyes swung to the sound of the door being opened. When her eyes grew wide and she sucked in air, I knew who had entered. She was taking in all his hotness, seeing his fine sculpted chest as he peeled off his leather jacket and set it on the sofa.

  With her eyes still on Elijah, she smacked my arm lightly and mouthed, “Where on Earth did he come from? Tell me you see what I’m seeing. Or did my dreams just come true?”

  When Elijah turned at the sound of our voices, he gave a shy sexy grin to Emma, but when he saw me, his smile faded. I’m not sure what I did to deserve this cold treatment from him, but it made me want to move out even faster. Needing to be polite for Emma’s sake, I introduced them.

  “Emma…this is Elijah. Elijah…this is Emma, my friend from home.”

  Emma giggled like a schoolgirl. “Hi,” she waved.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Emma.” Elijah shook her hand. “You’re the one who’s going to bake our turkey. That’s very sweet of you.”

  “You’re coming?” she squealed too happily.

  “I’m pretty sure I am since I live here.” He let out a short chuckle.

  “You live here?” She sounded completely surprised and that’s when Elijah looked at me. Now he knew I hadn’t told her about him. Good! He’ll seem less important and his ego might come down a notch or two. Or maybe he won’t care.

  “I guess Alex didn’t tell you.” His tone sounded somber, almost as if he was disappointed.

  “I did,” I butted in. “She knows you as Ellie.”

  Emma looked confused, looking at me with those big eyes of hers, asking me for clarification.

  “Emma, Elijah’s nickname is Ellie. I didn’t know before. I didn’t tell you because….” I paused, flicked my eyes at Elijah. “Anyway, I won’t be staying here too long. Also, Emma and I are on our way out so you can bring home whomever you want.” I don’t know why I said what I just said, but it was too late to take it back. “And by the way, someone named Clara stopped by.” After I said those words, I headed to my bedroom without making eye contact with him. I needed to get our jackets and purses and get the hell out of there. It was too hard to be in the same room with him.

  Elijah

  Seeing Alex without a smile made me feel guilty, but why was I feeling this way? If she had a fight with her boyfriend again, that was not my problem. She shouldn’t be with someone who made her that miserable. When she said she wasn’t staying here too long, it gave me a little jolt to my heart. I hoped she didn’t mean she was planning to move out. Then again, if she did, maybe it would be good to give us some distance, but I felt bad that she felt like she had to. Maybe I should consider moving out instead.

  When she mentioned Clara’s name, my heart took a leap. She had been calling me, and I knew the reason why. It was always the same. Go out with a loser. He breaks her heart, and she comes running back to me. I wasn’t going to play her game anymore. I only hoped she didn’t say anything to Alex, like telling her I had cheated on her when it wasn’t true. Clara used that excuse to leave me for another rich guy, but as usual, she came back to me when he dumped her. Enough was enough.

  Alex and Emma went out. I didn’t ask where they were going. I assumed they were going out to dinner since it was around that time. I hated to admit it, but I missed Alex’s cooking and the leftovers she would save for me. Though she never admitted it, I knew she cooked extra just for me, and that touched my heart deeply. I had to remain strong. She was still seeing someone else. To me, that was an indication she didn’t want to let him go. After all, they had a history together and he’d been there for her through her father’s death. At least I could give him credit for that. I just hope I could make it through Thanksgiving dinner.

  Chapter 28

  Alexandria

  Emma blasted her iPad and music filled the air. Cooking the turkey with Emma reminded me of the days when my dad was still alive. Every other year, I got to spend Thanksgiving Day with my dad, and when I did, Emma would come over just to help me bake the turkey. Everything else I could handle.

  Elijah either went for a run or to the gym, I didn’t know which, but I knew he had gone to work out since he came through the door all sweaty. Emma’s jaw dropped and she was practically drooling. She almost dropped the turkey.

  “Emma,” I snapped. She broke out of her trance and stuck the prepped turkey into the oven.

  “I can’t help it. I don’t blame Liam for asking you to move out. Regardless, I’m so happy you’re going to break it off with him. But holy crap, Alex. How do you sleep at night, knowing that hottie is sleeping in the other room?”

  I rolled my eyes. I’ve heard that question way too many times. “He’s just a guy, not a god,” I stated and started to cut the potatoes.

  Emma closed the oven, turned on the timer, and stuck her head in the fridge.

  “Everything we need is right here,” I reminded.

  “I know. I need to cool down.”

  “Seriously? Shut up.” I tugged her out.

  “I’m just playing around. I’ve missed you so much. I missed those days when we used to talk about boys and sneak out to parties. You know your father knew you were sneaking out, right?”

  “What are you talking about?” I dumped the potatoes in the pot, placed the pot on the stove, and set it to boil.

  “I didn’t tell you so you wouldn’t feel nervous about doing it. I saw him peek out the window several times.”

  “He did?” I started to peel the onions while Emma trimmed the beans.

  “Yeah. Your dad was cool like that. He understood. We came home at a decent hour, which was probably one of the reasons why he didn’t say anything to you.”

  “Yeah, he was the best,” I agreed and started to tear up. For a change, it wasn’t from what Emma had said; it was from cutting the onions. The aroma shot through my nostrils and burned my eyes. I had no choice but to shut them and let the tears pour out.

  “Alex, you should have let me cut the onions. I forgot how cutting onions affects your eyes.”

  Emma shoved the napkin in my han
d. I wiped the tears and headed to the bathroom with my eyes still shut. Just as I took a step out of the kitchen, I bumped into something hard.

  “Alex, are you alright?” Elijah asked. I had my hands pressed against my eyes as he took hold of my arms. His tone was sweet and sounded genuinely concerned. He cleaned up real fast.

  “It’s the onion,” I sniffed, still unable to open my eyes. “It stings. I’ve never had it this bad before.”

  Elijah led me to the bathroom and told me to bend over the sink. He splashed cool water on my face. After hearing the sound of the cabinet being opened and closed, I heard the water running again. Then, he placed a cool towel over my eyes.

  “Does it feel better?” He could be so sweet when he wanted to be and that calmed my anger toward him.

  “I’m okay.” The burning sensation lingered somewhat, but it was much better. Trying to adjust my vision, I blinked several times. “Thanks.”

  “Freckles, are you winking at me?” He cracked a joke and my heart stung when he called me Freckles, but he made me smile. That was unexpected.

  “Did you need something from the kitchen?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Looks like both of you were having so much fun in there, I thought I’d help.”

  I couldn’t believe how he was warming up to me as if nothing ever happened between us. Maybe this was the best way to move forward. I had to try to get everything back the way it was because I missed this. I missed our friendship, the talks, and the closeness between us.

  I missed HIM.

  “Lexy is coming over to help. You don’t have to. Emma and I have done this many times before with my dad. We haven’t burnt the turkey yet,” I snorted.

  Elijah nodded in understanding and he even gave me a sympathetic look when I mentioned my dad.