When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Oh, come on, Brandon, it’ll be fun,” I say while resting my hand on his. “You know that you’ll regret it if you don’t do it. You need a good party to celebrate getting so old. I mean, eighteen, come on!”

  I laugh loudly, finally dragging his eyes up from his food. Brandon’s face eventually cracks into a weak smile. He doesn’t look happy yet, but at least he’s finally making eye contact. That’s a good sign, right?

  “Old?” he shoots back. “You realize that you aren’t far behind, don’t you? You’ll be in this place soon.”

  “Yeah, and I’ll be having a kick ass party to celebrate, believe you me! I’ll have everyone here singing happy birthday to me.” I can see myself getting through to him, so I push just that little bit further. “You know that everyone will want to celebrate with you. They all love you! Let everyone sing to you as well.”

  He doesn’t talk for a while, but the next thing he says fills me with a deep sense of relief. “You know what? You’re right. We should have a party. It’ll be fun. Are you sure about this, Mom? It might be chaos.”

  Mom looks happy too, she gives me a smiling glance, thanking me with her eyes for bringing Brandon around.

  “Of course, it’ll be chaos. I’m expecting that. I had an eighteenth birthday party myself once. But I want to do it for you. I don’t get to be around here as much as I’d like to, so this is to make up for that.”

  Brandon grins at me, looking happy for the first time in days, and I give him a grin too. I already know that there will be a lot of people at this party, and it’s the first one that I’ll be invited to as well. I can really use it as a way to burst out of my bubble, I can get something amazing to wear and really make the world see me in a different light. Maybe even Zane will see me in a different light, he might finally know that I’m an adult.

  No, I remind myself sharply. No, I’m not thinking about Zane. None of this will be for him. This is for me. Nothing I do will ever be for Zane again. I’m forgetting about him, he doesn’t exist to me anymore.

  “We should get planning,” Mom says overly happily. “Decide what we’re going to do.”

  “Oh, we could do a themed party, couldn’t we? That could be fun. And I could invite all the class…”

  As they talk, I sit back and think about this. I have an intense urge to go out today to pick something to wear. Maybe I’ll ask Mandi to go with me after school to the mall to see what we can find. She might want to get something new to wear as well. Obviously, she’ll be coming, I don’t think Brandon will have a problem with that. We can both break out of our mould and try to get everyone else to see us in a different light. Maybe if I can get some other guys to notice me, I won’t be obsessed with Zane so much. Maybe I can even get a boyfriend who actually likes me. A smile comes to my lips as I start to see a new future for myself. One that’s just for me.

  ***

  “Oh, my goodness, this is so exciting!” Mandi squeals as we walk through the store. “Our first party.”

  I give her a look before turning my eyes back to the racks of clothes. With her deep shock of red hair and her pale skin, I think she’ll need a dark dress to bring out her best features. I grab one off the shelf that’s midnight blue with a plunging neck line. It might be a bit much for her but I decide to suggest it anyway.

  “I think you should wear this.” I shove it into her hands. “Or at least try it on. You need to look sexy.”

  Mandi gives me a look. “Okay fine. I’ll try it on, but you have to wear this.”

  She hands me a red and white polka dot dress that has a sweetheart neck line and a skirt that will puff out around my waist. The idea of wearing this makes my heart hammer against my rib cage and nerves coil in my stomach, but I have to at least try it on, just to see what it looks like. Just in case it’s amazing.

  “Fine, I will. But let’s get more stuff.” I smile at her. “I think we might need a few.”

  Giggling playfully, we move around the store and grab armfuls of dresses. This is a part of high school that I’ve missed out on so far, and it feels good to take part in it. Even if it doesn’t happen again and it’s just the once, I want to embrace every aspect of being invited to the party of the cool kids. I just hope it goes to plan.

  “Right, come on. I think it’s time to go into the changing rooms and try these on.”

  As me and Mandi try on the selection of dresses, some of them too conservative, some of them far too sexy, we have a great time. In the end, she picks a little black dress with a ruffled neck line and a elegance as it skims past her knees, and I go for the polka dot dress. It’s quirky, it’s sexy but in a more subtle way, and it’s fun. I’ll stand out anyway, and although that isn’t a position I normally want to find myself in, for Brandon’s party I do. I’m attempting to step out of my shell and becoming a much better person. Maybe that will make the rest of high school that much more bearable. I don’t want to stick my head in the clouds, but it would be nice to think that I could go through the rest of school without suffering any teasing.

  Me and Mandi pay for our clothes and we head out to the food court to get ourselves something to eat for dinner. We take our seats with our burgers and fries, just for me to notice the very person that I’m trying to forget.

  “Oh my God,” I gush quietly to Mandi as my pulse thuds in my throat. “There’s Zane. He’s here.”

  “Is he here with your brother?” She turns in her seat to spot him. “Oh… I see.”

  He has a girl with him, but that doesn’t get to me. I already knew that he had a new fling on the go, that’s why he’s been neglecting my brother, it’s the sadness in Zane’s eyes. He isn’t really here with the girl who’s draped all over him. It’s almost as if she can’t see that his eyes are distant, that he isn’t connected to her at all. Maybe she’s so obsessed with him that she doesn’t mind. She’s happy enough to just be seen with him.

  “Are you okay, Leah?” Mandi asks. “That must suck. Sorry, I didn’t know that he was with someone.”

  “It’s fine.” I give her a shrug. “It doesn’t matter, he always has another girl on the go. I think it might be better for me to forget about him anyway. He really isn’t for me, is he? Like I said before, he’s a fuck boy.”

  Mandi sucks in a deep breath and nods. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. There’s plenty of guys in our class anyway, some of which I’m sure like you. Max, for instance, until your brother terrified the living hell out of him.” She laughs awkwardly. “Zane is too fast and lose for someone like you. You’re too nice for him.”

  Too nice. That’s the problem, isn’t it? I’m too nice. It’s almost as if people don’t know how the image of danger turns me on. Zane is nice anyway, he isn’t what he appears to be. He might sleep around and be a player, but the rest of it is just a façade, one that I can see all the way though. But anyway, that doesn’t matter, that’s irrelevant. Zane can be whoever the hell he wants to be. It doesn’t matter to me. Aside from the sadness...

  “Do you want to go and talk to him?” Mandi asks. “Make him feel uncomfortable? Could be fun.”

  I consider that for a second. Both him and Brandon aren’t happy. Maybe I could bang their heads together and make it alright again. But I don’t necessarily want to get in the way of him and that girl. She’ll hate me for it. I can already tell that she’s one of those girls who really doesn’t tolerate other girls in her space.

  “No, I don’t want to,” I reply decisively. “I want to sit here with you and talk about the party because it’s going to be amazing. Especially now considering we’re going to be the best dressed there.”

  Mandi lifts her hand for a high five, which I smack willingly. On the outside, I’m the happiest ever, but on the inside, I feel all uneasy. It’s almost as if there’s a storm brewing and something really bad is going to happen. Something that’s going to change the lives of me and everyone around me. The question is what is it, and what the hell can I do about it?

  Chapter Six – Zane
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  I’ve been a dick recently and I know it. I’ve gotten so wrapped up in my own internal bullshit with my father that I’ve allowed everything else to slide. My school work – not that it matters much but apparently – my friendship with Brandon, everything except for Rosa which is annoying because she’s the one thing that I don’t want in my life any longer. I knew it right away, and my fears have been proven right. She’s crazy, she’s obsessed, and she really doesn’t want to let me go. Hooking up with her has only added to my problems.

  “Happy birthday, mate,” I say awkwardly to Brandon as I walk in to his party, thankfully alone. I didn’t mention the night to Rosa, and somehow it seems that she doesn’t know about it. “Here’s your gift.”

  I hand him the nicely wrapped parcel that the woman in the store sorted out for me. I got him a whole bunch of really nice books to help him through college. I know that he needs more stuff and that he can’t ask his mom for it. So, this seems like the perfect time to help him out a bit. I hope it’s an olive branch too. I want to apologize.

  “That’s really nice,” Brandon replies with a forgiving smile. “Thank you, Zane. I’m glad that you’re here.”

  “Sorry I’ve been a bit…” I scuff my shoe awkwardly along the ground. “You know. It’s Rosa, she’s crazily obsessive and I’ve had some troubles at home as well. You know better than anyone what that’s like.”

  Brandon smiles at me and he throws his arm over my shoulder. I don’t even need him to speak for me to thankfully know that I’m forgiven. He’s a great friend like that, we can have our differences – not that this was even that really – and we can come out the other side stronger than ever. I even think our friendship will survive college. Although, it’s only supposed to be him going off to college, not me as well.

  I decide not to bring that up tonight, not on Brandon’s birthday. I’m not really ready to share anyway. I’ll wait until things have calmed down tomorrow when we can talk better. Who knows, maybe Brandon will even have some advice for me. If anyone is smart enough to get me out of this, it’s definitely him.

  “Let’s go and get some drinks in!” I say loudly instead. “Come on, you only turn eighteen once!”

  The house is absolutely crowded, I’m surprised Miss Hawkin has allowed it but I suppose she wants to give her son a good time. I’m sure she feels guilty for not being there much. She’s an amazing mom despite all of that, I had my birthday three months back and didn’t actually do anything for it because of them. Me and Brandon tried to get into a bar but we immediately got kicked out for looking as underage as we are.

  Despite our young age, there’s quite a bit of booze floating around tonight, all of which I’m sure has been snuck in. Normally I don’t feel this odd sense of anticipation, I just get stuck right in, but I suppose this is the first time that I might actually be involved with the clean up… which sucks. I hope nothing gets broken.

  “I have to ask you,” Brandon turns to me once we both have drinks. “How did you manage to get here without Rosa? She’s been absolutely stuck to your hip the past few weeks. Is she coming later on?”

  “I would love to answer that question with a resounding no, but I can’t be sure,” I reply with a chuckle. “I never mentioned it and nor did she, but then again she didn’t ask me where I am tonight which isn’t like her, so I have to assume that she might crash at some point. I’ll try and get rid of her before she does anything crazy.”

  “Hey, Brandon…” Serena, one of the shyer girls in our class says to him. “I was wondering if you wanted to dance?” Her entire face flames with embarrassment, but still she persists. There’s a lot of this at the moment, the attitude that we’ll all be going our separate ways soon so we have to seize the moment. “If you want to…?”

  Brandon looks to me as if he feels bad for leaving me which is crazy. I want him to have the time of his life!

  “You go, buddy,” I insist. “I’ll catch up with you later. Have a good time. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”

  “Well, that leaves nothing,” he chuckles, a sound that’s filled with mirth. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

  As he goes, I smirk to myself. It’s quite freeing this attitude that nothing really matters because everything’s going to change soon anyway. Although, in a way, I’ve always been like that. The rules, the commitment, that’s never appealed to me, so I’ve always lived every day a little like it’s my last. It’s just awesome to see everyone else finally catching up with me! Living in the moment is awesome, I don’t ever want to stop.

  I walk through the party, scanning my eyes over everyone. It’s mostly the usual crowd, the one’s who party all the time, but I spot a few new faces too. People who Brandon invited to be kind or because they overheard him discussing it. He’s nice like that, I just hope everyone behaves enough so it doesn’t backfire.

  Who is that? All of a sudden, my eyes find someone brand new. An incredibly sexy girl with the cutest fifties style pin up dress on that I’ve ever seen. It’s red with white dots all over it and makes her look like a sexy model slash house wife that I’ve laid eyes on. My heart actually stops dead in my chest. Oh my God, is that Leah?

  I’ve noticed her growing, I’ve seen her developing, I’ve felt certain ways about her, but it hasn’t ever been like this. It’s as if there’s a spot light on her, as if everyone else has vanished. It’s only her left in the world. Even the noise of the party vanishes into nothing as I stare at Leah as if she’s an angel sent from heaven.

  With her ash blonde hair spilling down her back and her eyes popping under the incredible make up that she has on, she doesn’t look young anymore. She doesn’t look anything like Brandon’s kid sister. She’s a goddess.

  Before I can even think about what to do next, my feet begin walking towards her. There’s an intense pull, dragging me forwards if I want to go or not. A magnet is dragging me, it’s out of my control.

  “H…hi,” I stammer at her as soon as I’m close enough. I sound like the nerdy virgin guy rather than the cocky bad boy that most people know me as. “How are you, Leah? Are… are you having a good time?”

  She sends me a bored smile and flips her hair over her shoulder. As more of her neck and shoulders are revealed to me, all I want to do is sink my teeth into that beautiful, unbroken flesh. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, I’m fully aware that Leah is off limits, but today that’s making her even more appealing.

  “Yeah, all good thanks.” Leah’s eyes are everywhere but on me. “Lots of people here.”

  “Yeah, I know.” I nod along, bobbing my head like an idiot. “I’ve just been talking to Brandon but he got dragged away by one of the girls in our class in the middle of the conversation. He’s a player tonight.”

  He’s a player? What the fuck am I on about? Have I forgotten that this is his sister? Idiot!

  “You talked to Brandon?” She grips onto my arm, finally giving me her full attention. All of a sudden, I can see my distance from her brother has been the main problem. I don’t get the impression that Brandon and Leah talk much about personal stuff, so my behavior must have been bad. I need to explain myself when I can. But not now… still, not now. “You made things up with him? Is everything alright now?”

  “Erm, yes, everything is fine.” It’s hard to focus on her words when her touch has bolts of electricity racing through my skin. It’s almost as if she hasn’t ever touched me before, and the first time is bringing me to life all over. It’s odd, but far too pleasant at the same time. “It’s all good now. We’ll talk properly tomorrow.”

  Leah’s face breaks into a genuine grin. This just reminds me exactly why I need to stay away from her. The Hawkin family have lost a lot. I can’t be the reason that they lose each other as well… even if Leah does have the most incredible red lips known to man, even if I can see down her dress ever so slightly and I like what I see, even if I’ve never seen her legs before and they go on forever. I have to keep control of myself.

 
“Is your girlfriend not here?” she asks in a playful tone. “I heard you are joined at the hip.”

  I growl at her and roll my eyes dramatically. “You know me, I don’t do girlfriends.”

  “You will one day. When the right girl comes along, won’t you?”

  I don’t know what it is, but the air between us is so sexually charged that for a moment I get the impression that she might be taking about herself. She can’t be though, if she’s attracted to me then I would have spotted it beforehand. I’m basically the king of seeing lust from a million miles away. It’s a skill.

  But tonight, there’s definitely something in Leah’s eyes. I haven’t ever seen a guy hanging around her before and I know Brandon’s determined to keep it that way. Maybe kitty is bored of being locked away and she’s desperate for someone to set her free. The idea of taking that crazy step makes me embarrassingly hard. I’m sure Leah can see it, hell the whole room can probably see it. I’m known for being well endowed.

  It’s absolutely impossible for me to drag my eyes off of her. I try, I attempt to for the sake of my friendship and the sake of her family. I need to so I can keep any further drama out of my life, but I can’t. Leah is giving me some kind of look and it’s driving me wild. I haven’t ever been so tempted to lean down and kiss her before…