When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  Katy doesn’t seem interested in me at all, which only pulls on me harder.

  “Yeah, that all sounds great,” I interject in a way that might just be a little bit rude. If it is I don’t mean it to be. “So, that sounds like we’re going to be spending a lot of time together then.”

  “Erm, yes.” She gives me an odd look. “I suppose so. Especially in the beginning, until we get all the details together and we draw up all the plans. Why, will that be a problem?”

  “No,” I smirk. “No problem at all. Just interested, that’s all.”

  In my mind I start imagining dinners, drinks, late nights alone in the room with me, her, the view, and my bottle of Brandy… it’s all very sexy and maybe even a little romantic. Not where I should be letting my mind go at all. I need to reel myself in.

  “Good. Right, so I assume that you’ve thought about all your options?”

  ***

  Katy is still on my mind long after she’s left. I keep alternating between the ideas that we’ve discussed when it comes to moving forward and all the work that’s going to entail… and her. It’s not just when she’s sitting in front of me that I’m intrigued by her, it’s now as well. I can’t get her face out of my mind which isn’t like me at all. It isn’t like I’m pining after Ally when I’m not in the office, it’s just when she’s near and it’s convenient.

  “Hey, boss.” Speaking of the Devil, Ally wanders into my office. “Have you finished with the boring lawyer woman now?” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “What was all that about?”

  I narrow my eyes, a little annoyed that she’s speaking about Katy like that. She doesn’t know her, who is she to say that she’s boring? Then again, I don’t know her either. Maybe she is boring. All I really know is that she’s super clever and very switched on. She knows more about what I need to do than I do, and I’ve been living in this for years. “Business,” I tell her bluntly.

  Ally perches on the edge of my desk and she flicks her hair at me. “Is that all I get, business?”

  I stiffen my spine as I think about telling Ally anything. She’s great with confidentiality, obviously, that’s a key part to the job and to being a hook up, but I’m sure that’ll fly out the window the moment she learns that she might well lose her job. I don’t think she’ll be so keen to keep my secrets if it means she might be jobless soon enough, I can’t guarantee that. “Yes, that is all you get.”

  She rolls her eyes and snorts as if I’ve said something highly amusing. “Well, she doesn’t seem to be your type so I think I can safely assume that you aren’t hooking up with her...”

  “What do you mean, type?” I feel a bit incredulous by the accusation. I don’t think I’m like that. I’ve never seen myself as the sort of person who’s callous enough to have a type.

  “Oh, come on.” Ally indicates to herself by running her hands up and down her body. “Like me. Sexy, fun, the sort of woman who makes an effort with herself.” She moves closer to me, swaying her hips in a way that actually seems a bit crass today. A bit designed in a way that doesn’t appeal. “So, if I can assume that you aren’t all worn out from your time with Miss Boring Lawyer then maybe you and I should have some fun?”

  She moves onto my lap and straddles me, so I slide my eyes closed to try and get into the heat of the moment. Maybe this is exactly what I need, something to take my mind off of Katy. Maybe once we’ve got into the swing of things, I won’t think about Katy again until I can see her… but I can’t drag her from my thoughts at all, and now that Ally is on top of me the thoughts are far more sexy than they are romantic. My cock stands to attention, but it doesn’t have anything to do with Ally, it’s all about the fantasy in my mind. The lawyer who is anything but boring.

  I feel Ally slide to the ground on her knees and she unzips me, but I don’t open my eyes for even a second. I don’t want to see her, I just want to imagine that my meeting with Katy took a very different turn. I picture her, pulling out her hair and letting it cascade around her beautiful, natural face, I envision her hand around my cock, although the Katy in my mind has much less confidence in her grip than the real Ally has, and then she takes me in her mouth, sucking me hard, taking me to Heaven and back in just a few dips of her head.

  I explode hard in Ally’s mouth rapidly, shooting my load to the back of her throat, but still in my mind it isn’t her in the picture. It’s Katy. Sweet, pretty Katy who probably doesn’t really need to be corrupted by a pig like me. A man with no desire to ever be serious.

  Maybe this is the best way to get all my weird feelings for her out of my system. I can continue to screw Ally in the way that we always have done, and I can think about Katy so it never gets weird. It can all just be a crazy little game inside my mind. Never anything to worry about.

  “Wow, that was quick,” Ally declares smugly. “Seems like you’ve been wanting me all afternoon.”

  I laugh thinly, not wanting to admit the truth. I can’t admit to Ally that she has nothing to do with it. She’s never been jealous before, but this might be the one thing to make her feel that way. Especially if she learns that she’s just been used in a way that I wouldn’t normally consider.

  “Yeah, I guess so,” I reply awkwardly as I zip my trousers back up.

  “That’s what will happen if you spend so much time with someone so stuffy.” Ally shoots an exaggerated wink my way. “Just remember that I’m always here for you when she’s gone.”

  I nod, hating how that statement makes me feel. I know I don’t commit and I haven’t always done my best in business, but I’ve always tried to be a good person. This is the first time in my life that I don’t feel like I am. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt like I might need to make some changes in my life… and it isn’t a nice feeling at all.

  Chapter Six – Katy

  The music is too loud, I can feel it radiating through my entire system. It’s actually pulsing so deeply that it’s making my ear drums ache. I don’t want to be in a night club tonight, I want to be in bed. Tucked up under warm duvet covers, reading a book or drifting in and out of sleep… somewhere quiet and peaceful so I can actually hear on my birthday. If I have to be out, I’d much prefer to be somewhere quiet where me and Robyn can share some drinks and conversation, but somehow, I’ve lost complete control of the night and here we are. In a sticky club, listening to awful music.

  “I’m headed out for a smoke,” Jon mouths to Robyn, while pointing to his friend, Bear or Baz or something. Some oaf anyway that I’m already sick of. “I’ll be right back.”

  Becca, Hetty, and some other girl who’s name I’m not sure of are on the dance floor, so I suppose I’m at least alone with Robyn for the moment. We can’t talk much, but it’s better than being surrounded by shrieking giggles. The other girls are nice but I don’t really know them very well.

  “Are you okay?” Robyn leans in to speak into my ear. “Are you having a good night?”

  I suppose I could tell her the truth, I could admit that I don’t like it here and that I want to leave, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She’s planned all of this night for me, she thinks this is what I need, to ‘blow off some steam’ I think her exact words were. I don’t want to upset her now.

  “Yeah it’s great,” I yell back, with a fake bright smile on my face. “Really awesome.”

  “We should go and dance in a moment. Join in with the other girls, you know?”

  As she points towards the dance floor, a wave of exhaustion hits me once more. I nod then indicate towards my nearly empty glass as if I want to finish that first.

  “So, how are things at work?” I can tell that she’s just trying to engage me in a conversation that she thinks I’ll actually want to discuss, but tonight is the one night that I really don’t want to talk shop at all. I just want to forget about it completely. It makes me clutch my glass in anger at the mere mention of the word. “All going well? When do you have your partner meeting?”

  I roll my eyes. “I’m not to
o sure yet. I think next week, but you know what the seniors are like. They are always too busy to actually do anything in house when they say that they’re going to.” I breathe out deeply. “And work sucks. I’m having a terrible time at the moment. I have this new client that I can now see Grant dumped on me for a very good reason…”

  “Grant passed a client off to you?” Robyn widens her eyes in shock. “That’s not like him.”

  “I know, right? Especially just before a partner meeting. I thought that it was strange too, but now I can understand it fully. He’s trying to stitch me up.” I speak so rapidly and angrily that I don’t think Robyn gets every single word which I can tell from her blank nodding at me. “Anyway, now I’m stuck working for Evan Debroils and he’s an asshole.” I shake my head. “An utter asshole.”

  “So, you’re working for someone who you don’t like?” Oh, it seems Robyn picked up on some of it. “Why don’t you just tell him where to go? That’s what I would do?”

  “Well, it just doesn’t work like that. I can’t just turn him away, not so close to a partner meeting. I have to somehow just make it work. Even if he’s infuriating, and he makes me seriously mad.”

  “How come?” Robyn sucks on the straw and gives me a curious look before leaning back in to hear me properly. “What’s he like? This Evan guy…?”

  “Arrogant, annoying, he doesn’t want to hear anything that I have to say.” I feel like I’m letting out the tension bit by bit as I rant. “He even got annoyed when I turned up instead of Grant and I’m sure it’s because I’m a woman.”

  “Yeah, I get all of that. Rich asshole. What I’m asking is what does he look like?”

  “Oh.” I purse my lips and shrug. “I guess he’s the typical tall, dark, and handsome type. He certainly seems to have all the women in his office fluttering around him like bees near honey.”

  “Ooh, he sounds hot. I like the sound of him.” Robyn shifts playfully in her seat. “Do you think that maybe you might like him?”

  “Huh?” My cheeks flame as I even consider the possibility. “Do I like him? No way, I don’t like him at all. He’s horrible. One of the worst people that I’ve ever had to work with.”

  “But you just said that he was good looking?”

  Much as I really didn’t say that at all, I don’t bother to argue. Not on that point anyway because I know that he is good looking if you don’t consider his personality. If I hadn’t ever spoken to him and I saw him in a place like this, then maybe I would think him handsome. But I do know him and I don’t like him at all. Plus, I don’t think he would ever come to a place like this anyway. He’s the sort of man that would be more comfortable in a high class joint with expensive champagne behind the bar and supermodels dotted around, looking for men to hook up with.

  He will probably take one of those supermodels home with him as well. Of course, he will. I mean he is a good looking rich guy, and girls who like that sort of thing don’t care about personality. They just want someone gorgeous with a fit body who knows what they’re doing in the bedroom. He’ll have his hands all over the woman in a second, touching her flushed skin, brushing over her breasts, pushing his firm abs and his thick cock up against her…

  God damn it what is wrong with me? I need to get a grip. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been laid in a long time, I haven’t had time to get with anyone so I’m a little bit needy. That’s why there’s a buzzing in my underwear that hasn’t got anything to do with the music, it has nothing to do with the arrogant Evan. I don’t care about him at all.

  “I don’t know,” I finally say to Robyn, needing to say something. “I don’t know what I think about him, I’ll just keep my head down and continue going until the partner meeting comes up.”

  “But…” Robyn bites down on her bottom lip as if she’s uncomfortable with whatever she’s about to say next. “But what happens if you don’t get it?”

  My stomach drops out. I feel a sickness swirling. I keep trying my hardest not to think about that possibility but it’s there all the time. Robyn reminding me on my damn birthday is just a killer move. I know she isn’t trying to be cruel, but that’s the effect that it’s had on me all the same. I just want to shrivel up into a ball and weep like a baby. The thought of my life without that partnership title will be awful. I know I’ve been all brave and tried to consider what it’ll be like if Grant gets the job, but the reality… I don’t know if I can handle it. Can I go back to taking on all the shitty bits of work knowing that I could have been the one dealing it out?

  “I don’t know,” I whisper back. “I don’t know what will happen.”

  “You’ll survive it, you know that.” Robyn touches my arm softly and gives me a loving smile, supporting me through and through. “You’re strong enough to get through anything.”

  “I don’t know about that,” I admit. “I don’t know if I can. I feel like I’ve put so much into this that it’ll kill me if I don’t get it.” Tears ball up behind my eyes, I feel like I could cry at any given moment. “Sorry, I don’t want to get emotional, especially not tonight…”

  “You need to dance.” Robyn decides to give up on talking and she grabs onto my arm. “Come on, you need to let go a bit. You’re so tightly wound up, you need to let loose.”

  I really don’t want to, but it’s either that or sit in a chair weeping like a baby, in a club on my birthday. Crying over work is sad enough anyway, doing it on my one and only night out in forever, is just plain pathetic. If Evan is going to be out hooking up with supermodels – not that it matters one bit what he’s doing – and Grant is going to be at home with his perfect girlfriend, plotting my demise, then I need to try and have some fun. Enjoy myself before everything goes to shit again.

  I let Robyn drag me up until we reach the other group of people then I sway my hips in time to the music. I feel uncomfortable, especially when everyone else looks so carefree, but I stick to it. Luckily, I have some alcohol floating through my system – not too much because I do have to be in the office tomorrow morning to catch up on some work – so I can get over my inhibitions and have some fun. I can dance and enjoy my birthday like a normal person would.

  Men dance around us, some of them try to infiltrate our group as we dance, but none of the girls let them for which I’m really glad. I’m having enough of a nightmare dealing with Evan and Grant, the two men currently in my life, I don’t need any more. None of them are attractive enough to catch my eye anyway, not when I’ve spent a whole week with someone who is basically an Adonis.

  No, I can’t think about him… I need to concentrate on having fun.

  I listen only to the music, forgetting about the world as much as I can, and eventually I sort of manage to have some fun. It isn’t like me at all, but that’s the good thing about this night. I’m stepping out of my shell and doing something completely different. This is what people do, isn’t it? This what all the people who work normal jobs do… they enjoy themselves as much as possible.

  “Thank you for this,” I eventually lean in and say to Robyn. “This is the best birthday ever.”

  She grips onto my hand and smiles at me. My heart explodes with love for this woman as she does. I’m so lucky to have her, I’m so glad that she’s stuck around for me when no one else has. “I’m glad you’re having a good time. You deserve to have a nice birthday.”

  I part my lips, ready to thank her and to say something about her being the best friend ever, but before I get the chance to do so, Jon comes back and he circles his arms around Robyn’s waist, holding her close to him and my chest aches painfully. I am so happy for Robyn, she deserves to find someone nice, but she just reminds me that I still have absolutely no one. I don’t have anyone wanting to hold me, wanting to hug me, wanting to love me.

  I’m lonely, I think sadly to myself as I look away. I am really lonely. This suck and the worst part is I want to do something about it, but I just don’t have the time.

  Chapter Seven – Evan

&n
bsp; “Goodnight, my big handsome boy,” I say to Liam as I rub his dark hair gently between my finger tips. “I’m glad I got to see you off to sleep tonight.”

  “Yeah, I usually miss you at bed time, Daddy. It’s nice to have you here.”

  I stare down at my son with love in my heart. I know that I’m lucky to have a selection of some wonderful nannies to help me with raising him, and they’re doing a really good job of it, but I wish it could be me. I wish I could find the time and the space to be the one to raise him but I can’t… and that’s because looking at him hurts me as much as it makes me happy.

  Actually, no, that isn’t what I wish at all. I wish that his mother, Victoria was still alive and everything was as it’s supposed to be. I shouldn’t be a single father, she shouldn’t have been taken from me just after my son was born, but unfortunately that’s exactly what happened.

  When I first met Victoria, it was very much just a sexual thing. We didn’t have much in common aside from an explosive physical chemistry so that’s all it became. Every few days we would meet for a hook up and then we would go our separate ways. That is until she fell pregnant…

  At first, we had no idea what to do. We had to give it a go because it was the right thing to do for our unborn child. It wasn’t always easy but we made it work. There were arguments and hard times but we had a reason to stay together and because of that we stuck it out.

  Then Liam was born and everything felt perfect. I proposed to Victoria in the hospital bedroom and we started planning our wedding right away. It was going to be the event of the year, we were both so excited for it. The wedding that would ultimately take everything from me…